Thoughts on a situation with a coworker

[CHLove]

I have lost a lot of weight recently and started dressing/acting better obviously due to the fact that I have lost weight. Well a coworker has noticed and told me I look really good, he has also noticed I am wearing my hair differently and have been wearing makeup. He has told me I look really good. Well I also think he is flirting with me... which I also have a crush on him.. so I am not sure if its due to my hopeful wishing or if he really is trying to hit on me?I guess that is where I am needing the opinions...

 

 

 

He touches me like every time I see him... on my arm, my back, my shoulder, he also playfully pushes himself into me. He does touch other people every once in a while but nothing like he does with me. He also constantly goes to me directly for anything he needs help with at work.

 

 

A couple of examples of things that have happened in just the last few days.... Thursday I was working late and he came over to my desk looking for envelopes and started just talking to me joking around about our singing voices (I was kinda singing out loud) so we went on a search to find the types of envelopes he was needing. He left and then came back later asking where to put out going mail.... I mean seriously... then he comes over later to tell me he is leaving in a few minutes. Well I tell him so am I, because I was. He walked out to the hall way together and he told me that he needed to do something so to go on ahead. I left and went down the elevator.. about a few minutes later I hear loud foot steps behind me and he just appears on my side. He starts asking me about my phone and I tell him I hate my music player. Well I have a playlist that makes me think of him (pathetic I know) so I try to hide it. He flat out asks are you trying to hide something from me with a playful smile, and I looked at him and said yes... so he knocks into me and asks what I am hiding... we then part ways because we are at our cars.

 

 

Another example is about two weeks ago it was very hot in the building and I do not have a fan so I ask him to bring me his. Well he does, and he crawls under my desk to plug it in, then he bends over putting his butt in my face and turns it on for me.. messing with the knobs on the fan.

 

 

Yesterday I walked into the break room and although he was talking to another female employee he kinda grabs my arm as I walk past... and I grazed his stomach my hand (I have no idea how that even happened).. later we were talking to another two employees and again touches my arm. Then when me and another girl were walking out of his office yesterday he was behind us and grabs my shoulders.. but not hers..

 

 

He also constantly makes eye contact with me and smiles... then other times he seems so busy and disconnected.

 

 

 

I want to think he is flirting.. but am I just making something out of nothing? I wouldnt mind asking him to lunch or something but not if I am reading things wrong.

 

 

 

Also please no rude comments, I have already gotten some on another forum.. I really am just looking for good advice.

[newmoon]

if you don't care about your job then go for it. workplace romances and workplace crushes often end up very badly. you'll be subject to embarrassment and gossip and etc. if you make a play for someone who does not return your feelings. i would say that if he didn't like you before your transformation he probably doesn't like you now and is just being friendly. your new-found confidence is maybe leading you to believe things that aren't there. pretty women get playful attention and flirting from men all the time and if you weren't "pretty" before you might be misreading it and it's likely something he does with everyone and isn't singling you out.

[kenmore]

He is extroverted enough to ask you out, you don't need to take the step. I recommend against it for a few reasons. Like Newmoon said, dating someone from work is often career suicide. Second, if you are not sure, give it time. Third, as soon as you turn all aggressive on him, he'll suddenly turn it off. I have seen it too many times and it's better to have the confidence building attention than the confidence destroying rejection.

 

Another question: You started this thread by saying you recently lost weight and he started showing you attention after. That's awesome and congratulations!! The question, will you keep the weight off? Is it something you made a lifestyle change out of or is it a diet and you may go back to your old habits?

 

I know that's an awkward question and not really fair since you obviously hope you will maintain it, but you need to be honest with yourself. If you are not sure, you should not get into anything until you go for awhile and find out. You don't want to get into this guy, have your looks change, have a whole "thing" about that and have an unhappy relationship. I'm not trying to put you down, I just know it happens to me and I'd prefer a woman who likes me as I naturally am, not how I am when I'm dieting, or on an exercise kick. (yeah, I don't exercise regularly either )

 

Definitely don't do anything rash!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

Also, welcome here!

[darkmoon]

how well do you know him? just from what you wrote, it sounds like not v well, enjoy the attention, but this sounds like a crush on a flirty stranger, you have not had many convos yet, just flirting

 

you are looking good now, keep your options open, there might be other men as well now

Edited June 21, 2015 by darkmoon

[jen1447]

I want to think he is flirting.. but am I just making something out of nothing? I wouldnt mind asking him to lunch or something but not if I am reading things wrong.

 

Sounds to me like he's definitely flirting. Enjoy it!

[CHLove]

I have actually being working with him for about two years. I have in fact decided on a lifestyle change due to health reasons.... I went from 190 pounds down to 140 pounds and plan to keep it that way. I actually have to do to health. Anyways though.

 

I def agree on the work thing, and that is why I wanted outside advice. I do not want to lose my job because I love it. I think you are all correct best to wait to see if he does anything.

 

I just wanted to make sure it also came off as flirting to people who didnt know the whole thing. I have a few friends at work who keep telling me to be careful because he is.. but didnt believe them.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[preraph]

He likes you and he is flirty, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is willing to take it any further since it would jeopardize his job potentially. It's considered unprofessional to date coworkers. If you don't care if you lose your job, then feel free to encourage him. Remember, though, that some people are flirty at work with no intentions to take it further. It's like they flirt because they know it's going no further. So you don't know if he is willing to risk his job to ask you out or not. But I wouldn't do anything except wait for him to make a move to see if he's going to or not. I've had gay guys who were really flirty like him because they knew nothing was going to happen but just enjoyed flirting that much. So you can't assume anything. Just wait and see if he cares enough to actually ask you out. And your first question if he does should be "So you're not with anyone?" Make sure he's not just cheating on somebody. Good luck. Have fun! Don't just stay focused on him. You just lost weight and there's a bunch of guys out there who you don't work with to go out with too.

[kenmore]

...I have a few friends at work who keep telling me to be careful because he is.. but didnt believe them.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

This may be a red flag too. Often if people around you say things like "be careful" it's because they know something you don't. He may have a reputation for this kind of thing, and they don't want to say the whole truth because they don't want to speak ill of someone they work with.

 

In other words, you probably should believe them.

 

Ken

[applej4]

This may be a red flag too. Often if people around you say things like "be careful" it's because they know something you don't. He may have a reputation for this kind of thing, and they don't want to say the whole truth because they don't want to speak ill of someone they work with.

 

In other words, you probably should believe them.

 

Ken

 

And often when people say such things they are drama-llamas. They don't necessarily "know" squat. Warning someone to "be careful" (of someone else) is 'speaking ill'. Friends? Sounds like a bunch of nuts. HOWEVER, OP it's not a good idea to get involved in a flirtatious encounter at work. Keep things professional and focus on the job. If/when people "warn" you about the guy, say nothing. Walk away in the middle of their sentence. Or ask them if they have some extra time to help you with some work.

[kenmore]

And often when people say such things they are drama-llamas. They don't necessarily "know" squat. Warning someone to "be careful" (of someone else) is 'speaking ill'. Friends? Sounds like a bunch of nuts. HOWEVER, OP it's not a good idea to get involved in a flirtatious encounter at work. Keep things professional and focus on the job. If/when people "warn" you about the guy, say nothing. Walk away in the middle of their sentence. Or ask them if they have some extra time to help you with some work.

 

While there is some truth in this (and it's hard to read because the quotes are not working), Why would someone speak ill of someone at work unless they had a good reason to? Would you?

 

I doubt it's because they are "nuts" but because of an experience. Multiple people? All the more experience (you said a few.)

 

I'd keep my distance. This advice comes from experience and you can get hurt. If you pursue, keep your feelings in check if you can (but you probably can't.)

 

Ken

[applej4]

Kenmore -

Why? Some people are malicious gossips. Some people are jealous. Sometimes people lie. And there are drama llamas who love to keep things stirred up. THAT'S why.

 

If you've never heard of such people or crossed paths with such people you are either naive or extremely lucky.

[Bobbi7]

Sometimes workplace romances work out. These 2 co-workers starting dating, then they moved in together and now they are married. Been together for 4-5 years... They are a perfect match. It makes me wanna puke. Just kidding.

[kenmore]

... They are a perfect match. It makes me wanna puke. Just kidding.

 

LOL while I know you're kidding, it is sickening to the rest of us, right? Yeah, jealousy rears it's ugly head a lot, and I'm not immune but I'm really trying to focus on what's good for me now, and at the moment, relationships and jealousy are not they!

 

Yes, "they" is the right term there as awkward as it sounds lol

 

Good music is becoming more of my life as is focusing on what I need to, my career. I love that video where Joe Satriani plays his guitar with his tongue, you can't even tell when listening! It's awesome!

 

applej4, you are so right! Malicious types are all around and as some people here are hurt, they need to be especially careful. Hurt can come from friends, workmates and strangers. My wife's motto, trust no-one! At least I got something positive from her, a negative!

 

All that said, a good relationship with people you know helps. The trick is knowing where you think you stand, putting yourself back about two steps and making sure there is a cutoff. In other words, don't expect anyone to be what you think they are. In electronics it's called a "bias". It's an offset from a norm that creates a limit, and once that limit is crossed, that's all folks! Unfortunately, as humans, it's much harder to set such a strict limit. It's good to try though.

 

Ken

[jackny123]

I slept with three coworkers over the course of four years at my last job. One was fifteen times, a second partner was four times and the third partner was only once.

 

One was in a different office in a different country while two were from different departments in our giant New York office with me and 500+ other people.

 

It never turned out badly but my case might be rare.

 

Couple of ground rules here:

1) Make sure the coworker does not work with you on a daily basis and that you are not required to interact with them on a daily basis.

2) Only do it with someone close to your level. You don't want someone who is very senior to you or vice versa. You cannot report to this person in any way.

3) Do not tell any other coworkers, ever. If you have to tell someone, tell friends who are not associated with your job.

4) Never talk to your FWB/coworker on any company devices or channels. Personal phones only.

5) Never be seen entering/exiting the building together and stay away from each other during the work day. Basically, don't be physically seen interacting or talking by anyone. People can pick up patterns of others and also judge when two people are "too close for comfort" even though you two think you're hiding it.

 

 

Best of luck!