Too many things on my mind ...

[Rikksy]

Hello, I honestly hope anyone can help me with my problem, cos it's driving me crazy ...

 

I am a 29 year old male living in mid Europe married to my 34 year old wife. We have two wonderful children, a girl of 5 and a boy of 3. Since two week's ago, me and my wife had been fighting and raging all along about our business, financial and lifestyle aspect problems.

 

I am a verry active and sentimental type of guy, faithfull to my wife and children. Always been and still doing something in my life, either it is gaming on PC with friends, playing guitar, cooking, bakery, having a band, home gym, martial art's, running, graphic design and many, many more with good scores and with a sense of time (not to vant myself!).

I can say that I'm a very creative type of guy cos I need that! On the other side I need some time to chill. I realy need to disconnect my mind from my family otherwise I become nervous and rage about my problems. My wife prefered to mess around instead of leaveing me alone to chill, but all of this years of messing contributed to the main problem.

 

My wife is ("was") a monotone mediocre type of woman, with no (more) hobby's, a good feeling for business, yet sometimes too ambitious. She is also psychotic about money. She wasn't always like that. When we started dating she was doing gym at least, mainly due to a car accident that she had some years back that left her with wholelife problems. I had some problems back home with my father which influenced our relationship at the begining. After I went to live to her parents house and altho we had issues we lived 3 realy nice years together. She is a good type of woman for rising our children, but can't accept my point of view about things with my children and how my parents were teahing to me.

 

When we were arguing, after, I always had no problems with picking up. I just needed 20 minutes. My wife held faces for a day or more and never admitted her guilt, or said sorry, sometime even for stupid things.

But this last two years since we started our business (catering) we got even worse. Our situation got to the point where I was left with no dinner, forced to cook for myself, forced to sleep on the couch to keep calm, basicly almost lived like "a single" in our appartment ...

 

The main problem started when I left my work as a graphic designer at my family's company. She was working there before me. That's where I met her and in some years felt in love with her. At firts she was not convinced, because I was the oldest son of her boss (my mother), but I realy loved her and wanted this relationship. After that I too started working there, and at first it was all good. In a couple of years I had a very hard time at work. My uncle and the non blood father of my mother (my "grandfather") owned the company. They always picked on me, even for nonsense things and covered theyr arses for the mistakes they made, sometimes even thworing guilt on me! My wife and my mother saw that, but couldnt and didn't wan't to pick anyones side altho they knew I was not guilty. In the mean time we moved to our appartment, that my family had "given" me, which was situated just above the workplace where I and my wife worked.

 

I was getting extremly depressed, they wanter me to work even at night for them, that I got the appartment for "free", altho since we got it, we are paying rent for it. I decided to leave that workplace, but my wife was against that, stating that I am getting a good salary.

The owner of the company (my mothers non blood father - my "grandfather") told me that if i'll leave my work I will be thrown out of the appartment. That didn't happend thank god. I carried on for 3 more years there, with each year getting worser and worser. In the mean time we got our wonderful children and normaly our lives became a bit more fuller. We had new resbonsibility on our back's and also our sexual live's had slowed much.

 

After I left the company I was so depressed and empty inside that I couldn't live. I had to do it, otherwise I wouldn't be typing this story. Our children were almost 3 and not even 1 year old ... We had much money in place at that time, and I kindly asked her to understand my situation, that I realy need time to get on my feet again after all of that. We had much money spared to do that.

 

She didn't want to listen and forced me to find work right after, and I did. We were fighting all the time. She convinced me that I was the cause of all the problems all along, altho sometimes I realy did wrong things. She advised me to go to the psychotherapist to find my way again. In the mean time I left the new work becaus the boss was a real jerk. I opened my own company, it was a catering business and spent much money for it in the past three years.

 

At first the psychotherapist, after explaining the story, was also convinced that I was the cause of all the problems. I was realy doing stupid things like gaming for 8 or more hours a day at that time, raging and beeing depressed and anxious for having hairloss due to all the stress I was going through. That made me even worse.

I told him that I just need time and understanding for what happend to me in the past years, but my wife kept acting like a victim and convincing him about my "guilt". A couple of times she even said that she want's to divorce, cos she cant stand me. That made me so sad, but I soon saw that she was just acting. All the year's of business with my wife even worsened things. I was still gaming to hide the depression, my wife was raging and making a fool out of me, sometimes even in front of my family. She was always arguing for what I was doing and stating that we are out of money and that she wants to divorce. We still had much money spared, and I was constanlty telling to the therapis and to her that the gaming is just my depressive reaction to the situation she is creating at home.

 

Time passed and I started to trully correct myself, started working for many hours a day, set all the work for the company with her, worked around with her and build a mini company in less then a year with her. We had a good starting year, but still, my wife was raging for nonsense things, my gaming and for money. My gaming problem was still the No.1 thing for her and the therapist, altho I was gaming maybe 2 times a weak for max 2 hour a day, or not even that ... I was much more with my children, band and martial arts in the free time.

 

Then I said, "OK, I will stop gaming, but I want you to stop angering for nonsense!" I did that for the whole year and still she didn't change and remained stubborn.

I stoped gaming, was working (TRULLY) 14 hours a day for about a year with maybe 10 days with no vacation anywhere to relax or to free my mind, stil kept the band, but quit martial arts . My wife went for vacation with our children.

In the mean time the psychotherapist saw the difference and even praised me for the change I made (all for the welth of my family!), but she remained stubborn and didn't want to listen to the therapist that she also needs to calm down and accept the situation there was.

 

The next year, the company was not doing good due to the recession. A couple of times mid fights, she said "I will quit working for the company and you will give me all the money I spent for it back! You are the one that wanted this company!"... That's what she said.

I wanted to quit the company just to keep my family intact but at the end somehow she convinced me to keep it.

 

I and the therapist kept doing conversations with her, together in sessions, and me alone at home, trying to convince her that money is not the prime thing, that she needs to stop this nonsense or she'll lose her family! We even started to punch each other during fights at home (She did that 1st ...).

 

This summer of 2013, after two years of suffering I had enugh and wanted to divorce. Even the therapist advised me that!

The morning after she didn't went to work and stayed at home, convincing me for 2 whole hours, crouched on her knees that she'll change and that I should do that for the children. I barely forgave her, altho my inner sentimental feelings for her were gone. I honestly did it for the children.

 

1 month into that she started to do the same thing again. Right after that I started to smoke marihuana again after 8 years (I stoped smoking for her when we started dating!), to calm myself and work easier for the company. I didn't want to take depression drugs!

Mid summer we picked a partner to go along with our company to ease the work a bit. I was working 16 hours a day in mid season and the guy seemed as a perfect coworker at that time. In the end the guy showed as a jerkoff, I was doing even more work, he was at the store working and complaining that there is not mudh to do. She even got defensive for him, stating that there is no work and he is not geting any payment! We were barely getting enough money to pay the bills and for MY salary. The "partner" invested almost nothing ...

 

3 monthe of that and at the end, after all of it I found out that I did SO MANY THING, JUST TO MAKE HER HAPPY, THAT I TOTALY LOST MYSELF AND GOT SO NERVOUS, DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS, AND STARTED TO FEEL PANIC ATTACKS BY THAT! I even started gaming again, trying to hide the depression.

 

When she found out about my smoking habbit, she came to me and said "find a therapist or this is over" ... WOW!?

 

It's been two months since that. Due to all this years of painfull thoughts, raging each day in my head, I again decided to divorce. I said her that she needs to leave the appartment, that I was the one that asked my family for it, and even arraged it. She said "Only your "Grandfather" can throw me out!" ... Anyway, I love my children, I lost all sentiments for my wife, we had a couple of fight's and finaly at the end, AGAIN, convinced here about her guilt, altho she declined even the therapist.

 

I stoped smoking, I found out it is not the solution, but I realy, REALY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I lost almost every sentiment to her.

 

The thoughts that I am just one month to my 30th birthday, with a wife like that makes me think: "Is it worth it, to keep convincing myself?".

 

I honestly don't beleve her "guilt" anymore. I am afraid she will show here true part again ...Again she got on her knees, crying out loud that she is gulty, bla bla bla ... and that we should go to see a therapist together, again.

 

I left the company, started doing some pizza business with a company in Italy that looks promising. I realy like the idea! I am a pizza fan all along I just can't keep calm in my head, I wake up with this thought and go sleed with it. They drive me crazy at least once a day. I can't even be spontanious with my poor two children becaus of it I know they are not guilty of anything, I just want to make the right decisiopn for them.

 

I read some other forums, about family problems other people have, and that the childrend shouldn't be the victim of the parents problems.

I am sking myself: "Will I be so strong to find again love in my wife like once anymore?".

 

Sorry for my english and sorry for the "roman" I wrote. I am realy depressed. I try to be strong, but, it's hard. Spent more then two hours to type all of this, hope someone understands my situation.

 

 

Thank you for your answers.

[pink_sugar]

Wow, I am amazed you had children together despite all the issues you've been having. Sounds like therapy isn't working for either of you. If you are having a hard time making the decision to divorce, separate for awhile before you decide. While she sounds manipulative, it sounds rather silly when you say "forced to cook for myself". You're almost 30, you should be able to prepare your own meals and not act like you will starve if she doesn't. It sounds like you are both working individuals and each need to share 50% of responsibilities. The way you're dealing with this stress isn't good either and you cannot blame her for your constant gaming and marijuana use. If this marriage is bringing you to a point where it does this to you, separate or end this marriage.

[burningashes]

If you're serious about divorce, get a lawyer and see what you are entitled to.

 

There's nothing wrong with playing video games for a couple hours two days a week. You shouldn't have had to quit your hobbies, you have every right to have a little time to yourself and do what you enjoy. It's too bad your wife doesn't see that and working 14-16 hours a day is too much.

 

I really wish I had better suggestions, but it's sounding like you're really done since your wife doesn't seem to be the forgiving type. I would suggest approaching your "grandfather" and asking what will happen to the apartment in the event of divorce. Do this after you consult your lawyer, and decide your best course of action from there. Your wife shouldn't be bullying you into thinking you have to give all the money back- you are entitled to it too!

 

This is really scary, I get that, but you may feel a little better finding out what your options are.