Asking how someone died--rude or acceptable?

[Zapbasket]

This question came up today because I had an interview earlier this week where I mentioned that my dad died when I was young, and the interview asked, "How did he die?" I felt it was none of his business and was offended he asked.

 

I talked with an acquaintance afterward, and she said that since I had mentioned that my dad had died, it was "fair game" for the interviewer to ask how.

 

I completely disagree.

 

I have no problem talking about my dad's suicide, but I resent the presumption that I would be comfortable talking about it, especially when it's people who don't know me well. Saying, "My dad died when I was two" and saying, "He hung himself" are two very different things, two very different emotional experiences, and I volunteer the second only with people to whom I'm close.

 

Curious to know what fellow LoveShackers think, and what others' experiences have been on either side.

[pink_sugar]

I think it's a grey area. Interviewers are fairly limited in what they can ask to avoid discrimination laws, but this isn't illegal. You could simply say you'd prefer not to go into the details if it bothers you that much. I personally wouldn't ask how someone died unless they volunteered that info or I knew them fairly well.

[tbf]

If you hadn't volunteered that your father was deceased, I'd be all over it as a breach of social and professional etiquette. But with the volunteered information, it puts it in a grey area, moderately leaning black/crass.

 

To offset this, I would have probably said, "If you don't mind, I'd rather not discuss my father's death since I really miss him and it makes me feel sad discussing him." [insert sad face].

 

Unless the interviewer doesn't have an ounce of compassion, everyone will back off.

[Col1]

The follow-up question is fair if the interviewer felt the circumstances could affect the applicant's ability to successfully work in the specific position. The vast majority of jobs don't apply to this.

 

How did the interviewer's voice sound when he asked that follow-up question? Did this man's voice sound like an attempt to empathize (as though he lost a parent recently), or was the interviewer neutral/cold about it?

Edited July 26, 2013 by Col1

[TaraMaiden]

Weirdly enough, my brother was asked this in a performance review...He mentioned our father's death in 2010.

The Assessor asked him how he died, and my brother, neutrally, pleasantly, responded

 

"Is that relevant?"

 

The Assessor back-tracked immediately, insisting that "no, no...I was merely empathising...." and my brother gladly responded briefly, that our dad had been very elderly, with numerous ailments, and had really, just come to the end of his available time....

 

The assessor thanked him, and that was ok.....

[Arabella]

A lot of people assume that if you mention it, you feel comfortable enough discussing it. This is a fair assumption since YOU brought it up... so it's up to you to correct them if that's not the case.

 

My mother passed away a little over a year ago, at age 59. It was unexpected by everyone except my dad and I, who knew her true physical condition. When I mentioned it, people actually seemed surprised and asked what happened.

 

I think they do it because they know something out of the ordinary must have happened, and they want to comfort you. If an 89 year old man dies, people don't usually ask.. they know he died of the ailments of old age, and most mature adults are equipped to handle that. If a 40 year old passes away, it's something else entirely.

 

Anyway... I wouldn't usually give too many details (to protect her dignity), but I did tell the general truth, and the responses were usually very empathetic and sincere.

[Taramere]

This question came up today because I had an interview earlier this week where I mentioned that my dad died when I was young, and the interview asked, "How did he die?" I felt it was none of his business and was offended he asked.

 

I talked with an acquaintance afterward, and she said that since I had mentioned that my dad had died, it was "fair game" for the interviewer to ask how.

 

If somebody volunteered the information that their parent had died, I might respond with condolences and ask whether it was sudden - but "how did he die?" sounds quite blunt and intrusive to me. Standards of courtesy vary from person to person, of course. I don't know about being "fair game" for the interviewer to ask that - but to my mind it's not overly touchy or "wrong" for you to feel that this wasn't an acceptable question. Especially, as you say, when the cause of death might have been something extremely controversial such as a suicide.

 

If you want a job sometimes you have to be prepared to overlook somewhat cack-handed management of the interview process, but if the person with poor interview handling skills is going to be your immediate supervisor then (and I say this from personal experience) it's worth asking yourself whether you're really so desperate for the job that you'd be prepared to work under them.

 

TaraMaiden's brother's way of handling the question was good. It establishes whether this is something the prospective employers have any reason to feel they need to know. For instance, if they were angling to know whether there was a hereditary health issue involved. That said, if investigation of any potential health issues were part of the recruitment process, the interview would not be the stage at which that should be handled.

[Zapbasket]

The follow-up question is fair if the interviewer felt the circumstances could affect the applicant's ability to successfully work in the specific position. The vast majority of jobs don't apply to this.

 

How did the interviewer's voice sound when he asked that follow-up question? Did this man's voice sound like an attempt to empathize (as though he lost a parent recently), or was the interviewer neutral/cold about it?

 

No. It sounded like curiosity, pure and simple.

 

And this, in my opinion, is the REAL underlying reason for asking the question in most cases, except when the two people know one another pretty well.

 

Here's how I feel: if you are not prepared for ANY answer, and not prepared to either console them or engage in a follow-up conversation, in private, where you talk with them about it, you shouldn't ask. I can't tell you how many times I've had people ask, "How did your dad die?" and when I say, "He committed suicide," all of a sudden they're uncomfortable; their eyes dart around the room; they change the subject or mutter an awkward, "Oh, sorry" that feels a lot more like, "Sorry I asked the question" than "Sorry for such a tragic loss." These people have no idea what it feels like to disclose something like that, only to be left to clean up the awkwardness that THE OTHER PERSON CAUSED by being nosy.

 

I've been asked at a sit-down dinner party, from across the table, how my dad died. It's just awful.

[Zapbasket]

If you want a job sometimes you have to be prepared to overlook somewhat cack-handed management of the interview process, but if the person with poor interview handling skills is going to be your immediate supervisor then (and I say this from personal experience) it's worth asking yourself whether you're really so desperate for the job that you'd be prepared to work under them.

 

I'd love to hear the backstory to this. I got a number of red flags from this interviewer (who would be my sole supervisor), and while I do desperately want the job for short-term monetary gain (not at all for career advancement), I'm a bit wary that this person's lack of boundaries (not just the incident of asking how my dad died) could prove more trouble than the job is "worth."

 

TaraMaiden's brother's way of handling the question was good. It establishes whether this is something the prospective employers have any reason to feel they need to know. For instance, if they were angling to know whether there was a hereditary health issue involved. That said, if investigation of any potential health issues were part of the recruitment process, the interview would not be the stage at which that should be handled.

 

I agree. I like how TaraMaiden's brother handled it, too. I'm going to respond that way in the future.

[pink_sugar]

I'd love to hear the backstory to this. I got a number of red flags from this interviewer (who would be my sole supervisor), and while I do desperately want the job for short-term monetary gain (not at all for career advancement), I'm a bit wary that this person's lack of boundaries (not just the incident of asking how my dad died) could prove more trouble than the job is "worth."

 

 

 

I agree. I like how TaraMaiden's brother handled it, too. I'm going to respond that way in the future.

 

Overall, it doesn't sound like it would be a big loss if you don't end up with the job or decline due to the reasons you just listed. Not really worth it. Next....

[LisaLee]

No. It sounded like curiosity, pure and simple.

 

And this, in my opinion, is the REAL underlying reason for asking the question in most cases, except when the two people know one another pretty well.

 

Here's how I feel: if you are not prepared for ANY answer, and not prepared to either console them or engage in a follow-up conversation, in private, where you talk with them about it, you shouldn't ask. I can't tell you how many times I've had people ask, "How did your dad die?" and when I say, "He committed suicide," all of a sudden they're uncomfortable; their eyes dart around the room; they change the subject or mutter an awkward, "Oh, sorry" that feels a lot more like, "Sorry I asked the question" than "Sorry for such a tragic loss." These people have no idea what it feels like to disclose something like that, only to be left to clean up the awkwardness that THE OTHER PERSON CAUSED by being nosy.

 

I've been asked at a sit-down dinner party, from across the table, how my dad died. It's just awful.

 

I have to ask, if you are comfortable enough to bring up that your father died, but uncomfortable enough to not want to disclose it, how come you have not (as of yet) come up with a response to off set that awkwardness? I can relate in a certain way. I have never met my father. He abandoned us when I was a baby. I have never even seen a picture of him. I have had people ask me about my dad, and when I explain I have never met him I get the "Awwww..." *look of pity stare*. Or if they were talking about their fathers there is that awkward moment/silence. That annoys the **** out of me!!! So I came up with an answer that for me is satisfactory and alleviates the tension.

 

But I don't understand how that even came up in an interview. When it comes to interviews, my personal life is not brought up, and if a question is even close to invading my privacy I curtail it.

Edited July 28, 2013 by LisaLee

[Thumb410]

I lost my brother/only sibling when I was in elementary school but in the real world, I'm not comfortable telling people that until Ive known them for a while and can trust them, because I don't want to deal with the follow up questions, like others have noted in this thread...so if someone in the "acquaintance" category asks if I have any siblings, I tell a half-truth (or half-lie, depending on how you look at it) and say "no"...later on, if I become close to that person, I may reconsider and tell them if the topic should come up again though...

[pink_sugar]

I think I have had an interviewer ask how I paid for school...not a red area, but definitely grey.

[HokeyReligions]

No. It sounded like curiosity, pure and simple.

 

And this, in my opinion, is the REAL underlying reason for asking the question in most cases, except when the two people know one another pretty well.

 

Here's how I feel: if you are not prepared for ANY answer, and not prepared to either console them or engage in a follow-up conversation, in private, where you talk with them about it, you shouldn't ask. I can't tell you how many times I've had people ask, "How did your dad die?" and when I say, "He committed suicide," all of a sudden they're uncomfortable; their eyes dart around the room; they change the subject or mutter an awkward, "Oh, sorry" that feels a lot more like, "Sorry I asked the question" than "Sorry for such a tragic loss." These people have no idea what it feels like to disclose something like that, only to be left to clean up the awkwardness that THE OTHER PERSON CAUSED by being nosy.

 

I've been asked at a sit-down dinner party, from across the table, how my dad died. It's just awful.

 

If you don't want to answer the question don't bring it up. You don't know what is going on in the lives of others any more than they know what's going on in yours. If someone says their parent died I'm probably going to say "I'm sorry. How did he die?"

 

If they phrase it more like "I lost my father..." or "my father passed..."

I would phrase my inquiry differently. In any case the door was opened so I would not feel uncomfortable asking. If someone opened the door then slammed it with "I don't want to talk about it" I would stop asking but if I'm interviewing that person its going to raise a couple of red flags. I'd the person able to do their job or are the grieving so much that it will impact ability to work. Or is the person looking for a support group and will cause drama.

 

Consider that you know the circumstances of his death. The other person does not. They have no idea that its a sensitive topic for you. Perhaps they also lost a parent and a shared loss, oddly enough, can be a bonding moment. Maybe their parent died from cancer. If yours did too that creates a bond becsuse you each can relate to that disease.

 

If you are going to offer the info that your dad passed then have an answer you are comfortable with ready for the inevitable follow up question of how.

 

If you look at some of my old posts you'll see where I've talked about my two kids that I lost. You'll see a variety of ways people asked me how they died.

 

I am sorry for your loss. Suicide is touchy and is felt differently by everyone. There is still a stigma tha carries over to the family and my only experience is with a distant relative I only met once, a neighbor where I grew up, and a school friend many years ago. I remember it was hard on her and there were some cruel kids who made fun of her.

[Zapbasket]

Hokey, I'm so sorry about your children. :-(

 

I see your point. I guess I personally wouldn't ask someone how someone close to them died in the course of casual conversation, but I can see how it might be wise for me to be prepared with an answer. Usually I mention that my dad died only after someone asks me something like, "And what does your dad do?" And then I'll say, "He died when I was two," and the other person will ask how he died. My mother suggested to simply say, "It was tragic" and leave it at that. There was a boy in the first grade with me, she said, whose father died by falling into a wood chipper. She said that his mother would say simply, "It was tragic," when asked how he died. That should suffice for casual conversation between acquaintances, don't you think?

[HokeyReligions]

Hokey, I'm so sorry about your children. :-(

 

I see your point. I guess I personally wouldn't ask someone how someone close to them died in the course of casual conversation, but I can see how it might be wise for me to be prepared with an answer. Usually I mention that my dad died only after someone asks me something like, "And what does your dad do?" And then I'll say, "He died when I was two," and the other person will ask how he died. My mother suggested to simply say, "It was tragic" and leave it at that. There was a boy in the first grade with me, she said, whose father died by falling into a wood chipper. She said that his mother would say simply, "It was tragic," when asked how he died. That should suffice for casual conversation between acquaintances, don't you think?

 

Yes that would work. Or if asked what he did for a living you could say what he did and that he passed when you were a baby and steer the convo to another area or return the question and ask the other person what their dad does.

 

Death is very sensitive and tho I've been around it all my life I know that everyone deals with it differently. Its very personal and ties to religious beliefs too. And I don't engage in religious or political convos in casual conversations. If someone tries to draw me in when I'm not ready I'm honsst and tell them I'm not comfortable. I might follow with a smile and ask their favorite movie. They know ifs a deliberate changecof subject but I've never had a bad response.

[MsSmurf]

No. It sounded like curiosity, pure and simple.

 

And this, in my opinion, is the REAL underlying reason for asking the question in most cases, except when the two people know one another pretty well.

 

Here's how I feel: if you are not prepared for ANY answer, and not prepared to either console them or engage in a follow-up conversation, in private, where you talk with them about it, you shouldn't ask. I can't tell you how many times I've had people ask, "How did your dad die?" and when I say, "He committed suicide," all of a sudden they're uncomfortable; their eyes dart around the room; they change the subject or mutter an awkward, "Oh, sorry" that feels a lot more like, "Sorry I asked the question" than "Sorry for such a tragic loss." These people have no idea what it feels like to disclose something like that, only to be left to clean up the awkwardness that THE OTHER PERSON CAUSED by being nosy.

 

I've been asked at a sit-down dinner party, from across the table, how my dad died. It's just awful.

 

Even though you mentioned your dad passed away in the interview, it was rude (although not illegal, just irrelevant) for the interviewer to ask how it happened. The only appropriate response when a stranger reveals that bit of information is "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you and your family are coping as best you can." I work with seniors and deal with death all the time and it blows my mind the things people ask and say. When you're not a stranger you get more flexibility, otherwise you don't.

 

You're exactly right that when you do satisfy these nosy strangers with an answer they are instantly uncomfortable and wish they hadn't asked. I used to just let that go, but now I call them on their discomfort. I'm not rude but will say something like "You seem uncomfortable hearing about my relative who died of xyz, have you dealt with something similar or is death something you aren't used to discussing?" They could acknowledge their discomfort, admit they shouldn't have asked, or share something about themselves. If they keep shuffling and trying to change the subject then I'll suggest an appropriate response by saying "In a situation like this there is no perfect thing to say, you can just say you're sorry to hear that and hope I'm moving forward as best I can."

 

The only reason strangers think its ok to ask such nosy questions and then make it the sharer's problem to deal with their awkwardness is because they've gotten away with it in the past. Quit letting them get away with it and they'll either learn a better way of handling it or not to ask in the first place.

[Shepp]

Difficult... I would never do it, dunno guess just the way i've been brought up id never pry into someone's life. I'd feel awkward asking, i'm sure that you'd hear that in my voice and i'm sure the whole thing would be awfully awkward.

I could see my girlfriend asking something like that though, and she can get away with it, she... I guess she's so confident and im a guy who likes to keep his cards close to his chest but she has a way of looking you right in the eye that just makes you tell her stuff, and trust her.

That's what I think it comes down to I think if I asked someone that there'd walk away like 'he was a bit forward' whereas if my gf did there'd walk away like 'wow I really connected with her'.

 

Sounds like either this guy thought he could pull of asking a question like that and couldn't or his just plain noesy and yeah rude - dunno, I guess id base that decision on my gut.

 

btw, sorry for the loss of your dad

[Zapbasket]

The only reason strangers think its ok to ask such nosy questions and then make it the sharer's problem to deal with their awkwardness is because they've gotten away with it in the past. Quit letting them get away with it and they'll either learn a better way of handling it or not to ask in the first place.

 

This is a great approach. You're right: I think people just push forward with their curiosity and it's innocent, but they do it because no one has ever forced them to consider that it might be difficult for someone to say how a loved one died, especially if the death was tragic.

[Zapbasket]

That's what I think it comes down to I think if I asked someone that there'd walk away like 'he was a bit forward' whereas if my gf did there'd walk away like 'wow I really connected with her'.

 

Exactly. That's why I think it's more appropriate of a thing to ask within a close relationship.

 

btw, sorry for the loss of your dad

 

Thanks

[Star Gazer]

To me in depends on the context in which it came up.

 

I mean, what position were you interviewing for? CEO of a retail company? Highly irrelevant. Grief counselor? Totally relevant. Vacuum sales? Irrelevant. PR campaign for the American Cancer Society? Potentially relevant.

[Zapbasket]

Oh, it was irrelevant big-time. The guy had no boundaries, which was proven again on second interview, and led to me turning down his job offer.

[D-Lish]

Oh, it was irrelevant big-time. The guy had no boundaries, which was proven again on second interview, and led to me turning down his job offer.

 

I'm guessing that the interviewer was thrown off that you disclosed it. Death is a conversation AND a situation that makes most people feel very awkward and uncomfortable.

 

Most people will feel the need to address a disclosure regarding the loss of a loved one. It becomes especially awkward to address it with someone you've just met 5 minutes prior.

 

I'm not sure what type of job you were interviewing for, or what question precipitated your disclosure. Knowing that information would help to answer your question better. Did the interviewer ask an inappropriate question to begin with, or did you disclose the information and are mainly offended by his response? If I skimmed and missed the details, I apologize.

Edited August 30, 2013 by D-Lish

[Trimmer]

Usually I mention that my dad died only after someone asks me something like, "And what does your dad do?" And then I'll say, "He died when I was two," and the other person will ask how he died. My mother suggested to simply say, "It was tragic" and leave it at that.

Since we're on the topic of how one might respond in these situations, can I offer a slight alternative to the above? If you are asked something about your father that puts you in a position to have to go down this road, what if you modified your answer above to something simpler and less detailed like "Oh, my father passed" or "My father isn't with us anymore" or whatever similar phrasing works for you.

 

I tend to agree with Hokey:

If you don't want to answer the question don't bring it up. You don't know what is going on in the lives of others any more than they know what's going on in yours. If someone says their parent died I'm probably going to say "I'm sorry. How did he die?"

 

If they phrase it more like "I lost my father..." or "my father passed..."

I would phrase my inquiry differently. In any case the door was opened so I would not feel uncomfortable asking. If someone opened the door then slammed it with "I don't want to talk about it" I would stop asking but if I'm interviewing that person its going to raise a couple of red flags.

I think it may be useful to note a subtlety in your original answer: when you volunteer that your father died and specifically add the additional information that it happened when you were two, many people will assume you are opening a conversational door by offering that additional detail. This is definitely a subtle conversational cue, but if someone tells me their father died "when they were two", or "of cancer", or "in an aircraft accident", instead of just leaving it that "he died", I hear that as a tentative opening - it's an offering; almost an invitation, if a subtle one - for further conversation.

 

In my case, if I were the interviewer and I chose to pursue that conversational line (and I might not, in a professional setting...) then I would do it tactfully and with empathy, but that's how I would hear that response.

 

As in Hokey's example, I would of course respect it if you preferred not to talk any further, but I would find it a bit of an odd conversational interaction that you offered this extra - and so personal - piece of information when you could have easily left the conversational door substantially shut by simply leaving it at "My father passed" or "...no longer with us..." or whatever.

 

Analogy: if you ask me how my weekend was and I answer "Fine", it's pretty clear that I'm not offering or inviting more conversation on the subject. But if I say "Fine, I went to a baseball game...", that could be seen pretty clearly as an invitation: I offered additional detail that is there on the table as fuel for you to take the conversation further.

 

So my suggestion for the future is to consider that this additional detail that he died when you were two may be the thing triggering people to continue the conversation; a more basic and less detailed answer may well end the subject more gracefully and get you back on topic more quickly without needing to figure out how to explain it as a tragedy, or twist around deflecting the question, etc.

 

(Now, following those general comments, I also acknowledge your impression that this particular interviewer was insensitve, without boundaries, etc., and I suppose you could look at it as if that leads to one minor positive outcome of the interaction: since you were considering the possibility of taking the job - even temporarily - you might as well have known about that up front, eh?)

Edited August 30, 2013 by Trimmer

[spiderowl]

I think it's not really on to ask such a question at an interview. If someone volunteers that their father has died, it might be appropriate to say something like 'I'm sorry to hear that' and then see if the interviewee wants to say more, but if they don't comment further then it's best to kindly and tactfully move on. If I were interviewing in that situation, I think I would be a bit torn between not wanting to pry or dwell on something and wondering if they'd mentioned their father's death because they did want me to ask more or express understanding and sympathy.