The Boy (or Girl) who cried, "Harrassment!"

[always_searching]

This maybe long, as it is something I feel strongly about. I also expect to get flamed by some.

 

I have noticed numerous postings related to sexual harassment and Human Resources involvement in personal issues--be it their own or another couple's.

 

I just have to ask: WTF? I don't get it. If you are over 18, and you are working with someone who is (presumably) sexually harassing you, are you unable to express your disinterest to the person his/her self without running to a third party for mediation? I mean, come on! We're adults. I think initially yelling, "Harassment!" when someone is sexually interested in you is bull ****--to be less vulgar, it is an expression of an utter lack of maturity on the part of the person doing the "tattling." We are human. Human persons who interact with other human persons are bound to find one of these other human persons attractive at some point in time. It is human nature to want relationships of one sort or another, and it is perfectly understandable that someone is eventually going to find you attractive if they spend a great deal of time either with you, or around you--more than understandable, it should be expected.

 

That is, of course, not to suggest that Human Resources' involvement isn't sometimes necessary. For example, if, after you confront the person who is "sexually harassing" you, he/she continues to do so: then tell him/her that if the **** doesn't stop, you're going to H.R. If he/she continues to harass you, make good on your threat.

 

The same goes for people who are butting their noses into other people's business: If an office relationship bothers you, why not go to the couple and say something? Why run to H.R. about someone else's business that is of no real concern of yours?

 

What happened to communication? I mean, I think people have watched Fatal Attraction one too many times, or something. The person who is "harassing" you is--like you--a person, and, more likely than not, he/she is not entirely crazy. I mean, I doubt if you tell someone that you are not interested in his/her advances, he/she is going to go off the deep end and stalk you, or boil your pets.

 

 

I think most people today have the maturity level of 4th graders--"Teacher! So-and-so touched me!"; "So-and-so said something mean to me!"; etc."

 

Grow the **** up and take care of your own ****!

 

Sorry for the language, but, MAN! I just can't get over some of this stuff...

 

I mean, am I missing something here? Do you just want someone else to take care of your problems for you? How would you feel if someone called H.R. on you every time you crushed on someone in your office? Or are you immune to sexual attraction at work? If so, please, let me in on your secret! Do you have a "stoic" switch that goes on at work?

 

Really. I'd like to know...

Edited November 8, 2010 by always_searching

[NotKelly]

I mean, am I missing something here?

Yes, you are.

 

Harrassment isn't just about unwanted romantic attention. It's usually also about someone in an office hierarchy throwing their power around. Either they are your boss or higher ranking employee and are making the lower ranking employee feel pressured ("Don't complain or I'll make trouble for you") or the employee is scared that by complaining, he or she will get in trouble due to office politics.

 

In a work situation, all this stuff matters and gets in the way... it just isn't always so simple as telling the person you aren't interested. It's not like telling someone at a singles bar to get lost.

 

(However, one recent post here was by a woman who initiated an off-work friendship with a co-worker that she now felt uncomfortable with. But the consensus was pretty much that she had NO grounds for crying sexual harrassment in that sort of situation.)

 

I once was in a situation where someone employed by my company (not someone I worked with directly - a delivery guy) was too interested in me and making me feel uncomfortable. Fortunately I didn't have to take steps to deal with it in the end, but I wouldn't have had much grounds for calling it "sexual harrassment" as I had no real work relationship with the guy. All I could have done was to complain to his supervisor maybe, but most likely would have had to just tell the guy to leave me alone.

Edited November 10, 2010 by NotKelly

[OpenBook]

I know it can be murky, where the line is drawn. We spend more time with our co-workers than we do with our own families. Of course sexual interest is going to happen somewhere! Where it becomes sexual harassment is when it becomes unwanted (according to what I've heard about it).

 

I would go a step further and say, when it becomes pressure to engage in unwanted sex or sexual attention, under any kind of insinuation that your job is somehow dependent on it - THAT'S when it turns into sexual harassment. The little flirty office stuff, and even others engaging in relationships with each other outside the office, does not constitute sexual harassment to me. The Fed Ex guy coming on a little too strong, might be (because he is making you feel uncomfortable in the workplace). The boss offering you a raise, promotion, client, etc. if you sleep with him/her is DEFINITELY s/h!!

 

Sexual harassment is not about sex. It is about power (the abuse of power) in the office - using any kind of professional leverage over someone to convince or force them to give you sexual attention. It's a horrible and ugly thing.

 

But thanks to our society's evolution over the last 30 years (especially the rise of feminism), we don't have to put up with it anymore. Most companies today have an official Zero Tolerance policy toward sexual harassment in the workplace. Every company I've worked at, the managers are required to undergo formal training on sexual harassment - how to deal with it and prevent it from happening in the first place.

 

This is why I believe that the best course of action is to have a brief word with your own boss (or a trusted manager) if you feel you are being sexually harassed. You don't even have to make a big deal out of it - just mention it during a conversation with him/her, and poof! the problem magically disappears. At least, that has been my experience.

 

But whatever you do, DON'T GO TO HR!!!!!! Engaging them for ANYTHING other than clarification of company policy&procedures or filling out paperwork is a big mistake! HR is not concerned with the employee's welfare. They are looking out for the company. Period. No matter what they claim. Don't be fooled!

[NotKelly]

Yes... sadly that's one of the most important lessons that young people new to the workforce are never taught:

 

HR IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

 

You go to HR with complaints about anything, they start a file on you. All your earnest complaints go in there, and there they stay. No, they don't start it to "get the goods" on you, but in a dispute it comes down to "who has the biggest file." You get a reputation as a troublemaker (since HR really doesn't care about your complaints unless the company can get in legal trouble. Unless you have the balls/resources to get them in legal trouble, stay away from filing complaints with HR.)

[biochemgrl]

I had my direct Supervisor (of a career, high earning, position) slowly start with comments and jokes. I could have taken care of that. He progressed with the very personal comments, passes, and questions- I never would give him an answer, and avoided being alone with him at all costs.

The worst of all that is the other behaviors and almost threatening way he would talk to me, he wanted me to be afraid of him. I wasn't afraid yet, just disgusted.

Maybe he's an extreme example, but it happens and it's a horrible place to find yourself when all you wanted was to finally be in a great career.

I filed a complaint within the company. It made everything worse, he lied like a pro and I still was working 5 ft away from the *******. He still did everything he could to scare me, followed me home, was on my street when I left for work in the morning-

I filed a restraining order and saw an attorney about filing suit, and resigned from my position.

He's a sick f**k, and he will do this over and over untill someone finally nails him.

I was too scared to follow through with a law suit, and I really just wanted this to be over.

It's real, and it has nothing to do with a few comments about your ass or boobs. Most men aren't predators, that's why you don't understand. The men that do this are very good at it, and make sure their rep with others is decent. He should be in jail, because I swear one day he'll hurt someone.

So, not all women are crying wolf or want attention.

[biochemgrl]

Yes... sadly that's one of the most important lessons that young people new to the workforce are never taught:

 

HR IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

 

You go to HR with complaints about anything, they start a file on you. All your earnest complaints go in there, and there they stay. No, they don't start it to "get the goods" on you, but in a dispute it comes down to "who has the biggest file." You get a reputation as a troublemaker (since HR really doesn't care about your complaints unless the company can get in legal trouble. Unless you have the balls/resources to get them in legal trouble, stay away from filing complaints with HR.)

 

I learned that the hard way. I would have had an attorney just to make sure I was being treated fairly to help with HR. They did nothing to help me even after seeing me crying and told them I was afraid of him. *******s.

[Feelin Frisky]

Why should anyone feel they can judge all such situations with a one-size-fits-all dismissal from a distance? "We're adults" is an assumption--an assumption that could get someone killed in a worst case scenario. People are animals. And some of those animals are certifiably instance--obsessed, vindictive, out of their minds. I don't know of anyone screaming harassment on first contact. Usually it takes a few incidents for a person to be sure there was no misunderstanding. But if someone feels they are bing sexually harassed they should establish that they do so--even if what actually happened does not constitute sexual harassment.

 

Sexual harassment by its nature should alert people to the fact that something un-adult-like is at issue. Someone is acting out in ways that are disturbing and potentially criminal. If the person who cries sexual harassment is wrong. it will bear out son enough that this person is part if not all of the problem. But if it IS sexual harassment, the person being targeted has a stake in getting on record ASAP that ho or she has objected to the harassment and that it is to the point where he or she has become intimidated or frightened by it. Documentation by a HR department is in the good interest of the company and its employees. I don't think advising people to just trivialize things like this is good advice. I've seen the lengths to which some loose-cannon nut jobs will go to stalk and intimidate their quarry.

[biochemgrl]

Why should anyone feel they can judge all such situations with a one-size-fits-all dismissal from a distance? "We're adults" is an assumption--an assumption that could get someone killed in a worst case scenario. People are animals. And some of those animals are certifiably instance--obsessed, vindictive, out of their minds. I don't know of anyone screaming harassment on first contact. Usually it takes a few incidents for a person to be sure there was no misunderstanding. But if someone feels they are bing sexually harassed they should establish that they do so--even if what actually happened does not constitute sexual harassment.

 

Sexual harassment by its nature should alert people to the fact that something un-adult-like is at issue. Someone is acting out in ways that are disturbing and potentially criminal. If the person who cries sexual harassment is wrong. it will bear out son enough that this person is part if not all of the problem. But if it IS sexual harassment, the person being targeted has a stake in getting on record ASAP that ho or she has objected to the harassment and that it is to the point where he or she has become intimidated or frightened by it. Documentation by a HR department is in the good interest of the company and its employees. I don't think advising people to just trivialize things like this is good advice. I've seen the lengths to which some loose-cannon nut jobs will go to stalk and intimidate their quarry.

 

I don't know why the "one-size-fits-all" is applied to the woman in these situations, usually. The bad women who made false claims made a huge impact on real victims getting treated fairly.

The truth is "sex" really has nothing to do with the whole process. I wouldn't want anyone to be scared of a man the way I was afraid.

[Star Gazer]

As a former employment attorney, seeing lay people define sexual harassment issues kinda irritates me. There are two types of sexual harassment: (1) quid pro quo sexual harassment, and (2) hostile work environment sexual harassment.

 

Quid pro quo is basically "submit to my requests for sexual favors, or suffer adverse employment action (termination, demotion, change in hours/pay, etc.)." This form is actually quite rare now.

 

The more common form of sexual harassment is the hostile work environment variety. In order to establish such a claim, the employee typically must show EACH of the following elements: (1) the employee suffered intentional, unwanted discrimination/harassment because of his or her sex; (2) the harassment was severe and pervasive (some states say "or," but the majority require both); (3) the harassment actually negatively affected the terms, conditions or privileges of his or her work environment; (4) the harassment would detrimentally effect a reasonable person of the same sex (objective standard); and most importantly, (5) management knew about the harassment (it was reported), or should have known (so open and obvious), and did nothing to stop it.

 

Do you have any idea how truly difficult it is to satisfy all of these elements?

[biochemgrl]

As a former employment attorney, seeing lay people define sexual harassment issues kinda irritates me. There are two types of sexual harassment: (1) quid pro quo sexual harassment, and (2) hostile work environment sexual harassment.

 

Quid pro quo is basically "submit to my requests for sexual favors, or suffer adverse employment action (termination, demotion, change in hours/pay, etc.)." This form is actually quite rare now.

 

The more common form of sexual harassment is the hostile work environment variety. In order to establish such a claim, the employee typically must show EACH of the following elements: (1) the employee suffered intentional, unwanted discrimination/harassment because of his or her sex; (2) the harassment was severe and pervasive (some states say "or," but the majority require both); (3) the harassment actually negatively affected the terms, conditions or privileges of his or her work environment; (4) the harassment would detrimentally effect a reasonable person of the same sex (objective standard); and most importantly, (5) management knew about the harassment (it was reported), or should have known (so open and obvious), and did nothing to stop it.

 

Do you have any idea how truly difficult it is to satisfy all of these elements?

 

Yes, trust me. I do, it was hell to even go through, then seemed impossible to legally to anything about. I had statements from collegues, months of text records, witnesses from two of the companies biggest clients, he made mistakes and was aggressive. He was more frightening after I filed the proper channels at work and slapped his wrist.

They knew, I reported to the Regional V.P. before HR.

But it's ancient history and I'm happy, no lasting damage.

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't know why the "one-size-fits-all" is applied to the woman in these situations, usually. The bad women who made false claims made a huge impact on real victims getting treated fairly.

The truth is "sex" really has nothing to do with the whole process. I wouldn't want anyone to be scared of a man the way I was afraid.

 

Just FYI, I typed my post before I saw yours. I was not only not addressing you, I couldn't know that you posted because it wasn't there when I started typing mine. My comments address the OP and unless I quote you, please don't take what I say as directed at you. I reiterate that my position is that passing cavalier judgement on every situtation without knowing the individual circumstances is not useful and sometimes the basis of advice that can blow up in one's face. The one-size-fits-all characterization was used to address such big over-simplification and dismissals like the OP engaged in. Nothing intended to address you or make any differentiation between men and women as your quote infers.

[paleblue]

in my experience, who ever is running to a third party instead of trying to approach someone first, is just looking to create drama. that is when it comes to minor none-sense. if it is something major, then ya, go to HR.

 

i see garbage like this all day at the office. women in the office will create drama over the most petty ridiculous miniscule thing , just so they have something to get excited about in life.

 

i knew a girl who turned someone in at her job (same job class as her) because he brushed up against her a few times. i dont entirely know what the deal was because i was not there, but it didn't sound like anything major. he wasn't grabbing her or anything. the guy was written up by human resources. turns out this girl was just playing games for her own enjoyment. didn't even bother approaching him beforehand. she just ran to HR and turned him in. then she tried to keep it a secret. truth be completely known - i wouldn't be surprised if she was provoking him to begin with.

 

this same girl was playing games with me on the dating scene. she would act like she wanted to date, then pull the rug out. after i caught on to the fact that it was all just games so she could find something to be excited about in life, i booted her entirely from my life. she didn't get mad because she cared, she just got mad because i did it first. sick!

 

so i guess my point is i think people who do the kind of stuff you're talking about seem to be drama oriented.

Edited December 21, 2010 by paleblue

[creighton0123]

I'd open your eyes wider on this issue. There are many things that could qualify as harassment, not always sexual, that would merit HR involvement.

 

In a previous job, most of my coworkers knew I was gay. It wasn't because I announced it, but in personal conversations I had on the phone in my cube over lunch break. My boyfriend would call and they figured it out that way. Mostly everyone had no negative or positive response - it was just fact. We had company parties and all. Being from a large company, everyone would bring their significant others. We had team poker nights, everyone would bring who they were dating/married to. It was only natural that I brought him.

 

Well, word spreads. A few months after I started working there, I started hearing gay jokes from the next team over always coming from one guy, especially as I was walking towards or leaving his team's area.

 

I would come to work in the morning to find prayer cards on my keyboard. It began to escalate. I'd be left the wonderful gift of conversion therapy literature including application forms for Exodus International, pamphlets from the American Family Association, AFTAH, Mass Resistance, National Organization for Marriage, etc. etc. etc.

 

I caught this one guy in the act a few times, heard the word 'faggot' a number of times in the cafe, on the way out to my car, etc. etc. (apparently, he had nothing to do when work ended). I approached him and informed him that we're not working in a private establishment. We're working for a fortune 500 company closely affiliated with a large number of government contracts (company has 400k employees) and his behavior must stop given that it is completely unacceptable.

 

He scoffed me off and the behavior continued. From that moment on, I began writing down every incident, including speaking to any witnesses on my team who would back me up. I spoke to his manager. The behavior didn't stop. I spoke to my manager and informed him of the literature. He gave me permission to install a motion-activated web cam. I informed the other employee that I've done this and anything left on my desk would be captured on video. This didn't stop him and the insults/bad behavior became more direct and targeted.

 

After speaking with him three times, his manager, my manager, and our second line manager, the last straw was drawn when he made an inappropriate comment on a conference call with a large number of clients. After the call, I immediately contacted Human Resources and, after two months of documented harassment, they immediately fired him. His negative reaction required police involvement and a restraining order.

 

The fact of the matter is that you're working with strangers. Sure, direct communication outside of management involvement should be a given UNLESS the harassment jumps right to physical harassment (inappropriate touching). HR exists for a reason. If one doesn't abuse it and if you have the support of your manager, second line manager, and others who witness the behavior, chances are HR will side with you.

 

To your "HR is not concerned with the employee's welfare" comment, I'm sure there are many companies who have an HR department that is like that, but a good portion recognize what need to be done to ensure a safe, happy, professional, and productive environment.

[pureinheart]

This maybe long, as it is something I feel strongly about. I also expect to get flamed by some.

 

I have noticed numerous postings related to sexual harassment and Human Resources involvement in personal issues--be it their own or another couple's.

 

I just have to ask: WTF? I don't get it. If you are over 18, and you are working with someone who is (presumably) sexually harassing you, are you unable to express your disinterest to the person his/her self without running to a third party for mediation? I mean, come on! We're adults. I think initially yelling, "Harassment!" when someone is sexually interested in you is bull ****--to be less vulgar, it is an expression of an utter lack of maturity on the part of the person doing the "tattling." We are human. Human persons who interact with other human persons are bound to find one of these other human persons attractive at some point in time. It is human nature to want relationships of one sort or another, and it is perfectly understandable that someone is eventually going to find you attractive if they spend a great deal of time either with you, or around you--more than understandable, it should be expected.

 

That is, of course, not to suggest that Human Resources' involvement isn't sometimes necessary. For example, if, after you confront the person who is "sexually harassing" you, he/she continues to do so: then tell him/her that if the **** doesn't stop, you're going to H.R. If he/she continues to harass you, make good on your threat.

 

The same goes for people who are butting their noses into other people's business: If an office relationship bothers you, why not go to the couple and say something? Why run to H.R. about someone else's business that is of no real concern of yours?

 

What happened to communication? I mean, I think people have watched Fatal Attraction one too many times, or something. The person who is "harassing" you is--like you--a person, and, more likely than not, he/she is not entirely crazy. I mean, I doubt if you tell someone that you are not interested in his/her advances, he/she is going to go off the deep end and stalk you, or boil your pets.

 

 

I think most people today have the maturity level of 4th graders--"Teacher! So-and-so touched me!"; "So-and-so said something mean to me!"; etc."

 

Grow the **** up and take care of your own ****!

 

Sorry for the language, but, MAN! I just can't get over some of this stuff...

 

I mean, am I missing something here? Do you just want someone else to take care of your problems for you? How would you feel if someone called H.R. on you every time you crushed on someone in your office? Or are you immune to sexual attraction at work? If so, please, let me in on your secret! Do you have a "stoic" switch that goes on at work?

 

Really. I'd like to know...

 

Excellent post Always! In a workplace with the ratio of 1 female to every 10 males and over a 1000 people in one hanger alone...well if I went to HR everytime I got hit on or messed with, they would have had to move my work area into HR! I don't care for snitching, especially if it means a persons job...I took care of the really bad ones my own way:D.

 

Most of the guys were harmless and if your going to work with a bunch of guys you'd better be able to handle certain things. Most of the guys were priddy respectful, and took care of the ones that weren't, although guys are guys..

 

I can tell you that because of this, most of the guys didn't trust women anymore where I worked (they did me)...they wouldn't joke around, nothing because of some of the misuse of "harrassment"...it really made things extremely uncomfortable.

[pureinheart]

I know it can be murky, where the line is drawn. We spend more time with our co-workers than we do with our own families. Of course sexual interest is going to happen somewhere! Where it becomes sexual harassment is when it becomes unwanted (according to what I've heard about it).

 

I would go a step further and say, when it becomes pressure to engage in unwanted sex or sexual attention, under any kind of insinuation that your job is somehow dependent on it - THAT'S when it turns into sexual harassment. The little flirty office stuff, and even others engaging in relationships with each other outside the office, does not constitute sexual harassment to me. The Fed Ex guy coming on a little too strong, might be (because he is making you feel uncomfortable in the workplace). The boss offering you a raise, promotion, client, etc. if you sleep with him/her is DEFINITELY s/h!!

 

Sexual harassment is not about sex. It is about power (the abuse of power) in the office - using any kind of professional leverage over someone to convince or force them to give you sexual attention. It's a horrible and ugly thing.

 

But thanks to our society's evolution over the last 30 years (especially the rise of feminism), we don't have to put up with it anymore. Most companies today have an official Zero Tolerance policy toward sexual harassment in the workplace. Every company I've worked at, the managers are required to undergo formal training on sexual harassment - how to deal with it and prevent it from happening in the first place.

 

This is why I believe that the best course of action is to have a brief word with your own boss (or a trusted manager) if you feel you are being sexually harassed. You don't even have to make a big deal out of it - just mention it during a conversation with him/her, and poof! the problem magically disappears. At least, that has been my experience.

 

But whatever you do, DON'T GO TO HR!!!!!! Engaging them for ANYTHING other than clarification of company policy&procedures or filling out paperwork is a big mistake! HR is not concerned with the employee's welfare. They are looking out for the company. Period. No matter what they claim. Don't be fooled!

 

This is soooooo the truth, and to the other poster that communicated this!

 

0123- I am really sorry that happened to you ((((((hugs)))))

Edited December 22, 2010 by pureinheart

[Taramere]

The workplace is an environment where there's a clear hierarchy. Some people have the power to carry out appraisals and make decisions about other employees future within the organisation. Decisions that can impact on that employee's entire life, given the dependence people have on their jobs. It's a power imbalance that can be felt very keenly by people who are on the weak end of that power imbalance. Some people may not officially be at the top of the hierarchy at work, but may nonetheless have a lot of informal power due to their length of service with the organisation, and the contacts they have formed within it.

 

I got sexually harassed years ago. I remember talking to my brother about it. He took the "all you need to do is tell the guy to f*ck off and he'll f*ck off" approach. I think even if they don't say it, a lot of people will generally think that if you complain about feeling harassed you're just being a bit wet. I had in fact told the guy in really clear terms to stop touching me. On one occasion he'd responded by throwing his hands up in the air and singing "don't stand so close to me." He was like a creepy old uncle.

 

One morning, I heard a buzz at the intercom first thing in the morning on one of my days off. It had been him, informing me that he just happened to be in the area and could be use my bathroom? He'd never been in my home, I'd never invited him there - and I hadn't personally given him my address. I told him he couldn't come in. He didn't go away immediately. When I put the receiver down he buzzed again, and only went when I got really angry. Then, a few days later, he made the visit to my brother's shop. My brother has a bit of a past, and is far more streetwise. He responded to the creep's ingratiating introduction and "casual" questions by shoving him against a wall, and giving him a warning.

 

It was certainly the right approach with this guy - probably because it was probably the only type of approach he really understood. He was quite civil after that. At times he would still engage in psychological warfare, but I could handle that. There was no more groping, no more singing Police songs in a taunting manner.

 

Not very practical to rely on male relatives threatening workplace predators in order to stop them, though. If I were working with the OP, I'd be inclined to encourage any workplace harassers like that guy I encountered to switch their attentions to her so that I could witness in action her no nonsense "it's simple" methods of dealing with them without assistance or support. After all, by her account she handles these situations very easily -and has no worries about going to HR if the initial approach doesn't work... so what would be the problem? An easy, stress free, step by step guide to dealing with sexualised workplace bullying.

 

It's pretty obnoxious to assume that the average person who has gone to HR with a complaint went running straight to them without making some sort of effort to stop it themselves first. I'm sure most people who have experience in the workplace would rather not involve HR if at all possible.

Edited December 24, 2010 by Taramere

[biochemgrl]

A perspective from someone who has been in a no win situation. Thanks for sharing your story. People jump to conclusions and are sadly misguided by rumors, media, and their own assumptions that women want this type of attention from men in the workplace. It is about power and dominance. Ethical women want to excel by means other than laying on our backs. It's not a revolutionary notion anymore that a woman has no need to use her sexuality to establish herself professionaly. Furthermore, no woman in her right mind would want go through the process of filing a complaint and suffer through all the terrible experiences that causes, without it being the very last option left for her to choose. I also made it very clear to this man I had no intrest in him and told him many times to stop, **** off, stay away, HR would be notified, etc, etc. I even stopped wearing dresses to work! He wouldn't let up. He was a pro and I knew I had no chance, but I did what I knew was the right thing, even if it meant that I was going to suffer for his actions. I sleep well, I only regret I hadn't been more proactive on learning the proper procedures before a perverted power hungry sales manager used his knowledge and my lack of knowledge to play out his sick fanatasies without ever getting caught. My restraining order against him was extended for one year. At least a Judge was able to help.

One month after I has resigned the CEO sent me a letter of apology. This was after my court ordered text records finally made it to them, which all to clearly backed up my statements. They called me quite frequently for a few months, I never returned one call.

I heard later that his wife left him. I was told he was eventually fired for the same behavior.

C'est La Vie.

I sleep well again. He may have put me through a horrible ordeal, but that's all he accomplished.

Sometimes when you lose, you win, even if you never played the game.

[Taramere]

One month after I has resigned the CEO sent me a letter of apology. This was after my court ordered text records finally made it to them, which all to clearly backed up my statements. They called me quite frequently for a few months, I never returned one call.

I heard later that his wife left him. I was told he was eventually fired for the same behavior.

 

I wonder what it took for his wife to finally see the light. She must have known what he was like. I'm sorry you had that experience, biochemgrl - and good for you, taking direct action to deal with it. It's not easy, when so many people are keen to maintain this stereotype of the troublemaking woman at work who is out to ruin some innocent man.

 

Everyone at my old workplace knew what a creep X (the guy I spoke about in my last post) was. When he eventually got fired for an incident, nobody in that line of work had a good word to say about him....but when I was working with him all that time ago, any tentative attempts to discuss my problem with a trusted colleague would result in them swiftly changing the subject.

 

When I first started there, I was generally having problems. It was an environment I felt swamped by, and two of the more powerful females in the staff group had taken a dislike to me. This guy would carefully pass on to me snippets of things they were saying about me to others. He was keen to create a vibe of "I'm your only friend in this place" - which was BS, because I got on very well with most of the staff team. He would tell me little stories that contained a suggestion of him being involved in person-being-dumped-in-sea-wearing-concrete-boots incidents. He was desperate to convey himself as a powerful man you didn't mess with. As well as feeling harassed and stressed out by his creepiness, I felt sorry for him. He was a pitiful character.

 

I questioned whether my brother's physically aggressive response had been a disproportionate way to handle the creepy behaviour of such a sad sack of a man.....but he (my brother) was right. Just because a person is pitiful, doesn't mean they aren't also potentially dangerous. Sometimes they're the most dangerous because underneath that pitiful exterior is a sea of resentments and vengeful thoughts.

Edited December 29, 2010 by Taramere

[that girl]

If you are over 18, and you are working with someone who is (presumably) sexually harassing you, are you unable to express your disinterest to the person his/her self without running to a third party for mediation? I mean, come on! We're adults. I think initially yelling, "Harassment!" when someone is sexually interested in you is bull ****--to be less vulgar, it is an expression of an utter lack of maturity on the part of the person doing the "tattling." We are human. Human persons who interact with other human persons are bound to find one of these other human persons attractive at some point in time. It is human nature to want relationships of one sort or another, and it is perfectly understandable that someone is eventually going to find you attractive if they spend a great deal of time either with you, or around you--more than understandable, it should be expected.

Sexual harassment is complicated. It is easy to say that you should confront the person, but the one time I dealt with sexual harassment I felt intensely physically uncomfortable around the guy. He said things that were highly inappropriate, but not quite personal. Like he'd graphically describe a kinky girlfriend who liked a specific sex act and then tell me how much I reminded him of her. At the time, I was a teenager and he was a grown up so I really didn't know whether he was crossing the line or I was being hyper sensitive, so I just avoided him.

 

But he wasn't flirting with me or searching for a human connection. He was a bully and I'd imagine a lot of harassers are just bullies.

 

Now as an adult woman, I would make it very clear right off the bat that I did not appreciate his comments. But I can see why someone who is more timid than I am would go to HR rather than confront.

 

I think a lot of people who haven't experienced sexually harassment just write it off as flirting, but normal people can read signs and should know to back off if the person isn't meeting them. There are people out there who like to bully and this is one way they do it.

 

 

i knew a girl who turned someone in at her job (same job class as her) because he brushed up against her a few times. i dont entirely know what the deal was because i was not there, but it didn't sound like anything major. he wasn't grabbing her or anything. the guy was written up by human resources. turns out this girl was just playing games for her own enjoyment. didn't even bother approaching him beforehand. she just ran to HR and turned him in. then she tried to keep it a secret. truth be completely known - i wouldn't be surprised if she was provoking him to begin with

You don't know what happened, yet somehow you know she was just playing games?

 

Considering you think "women in the office will create drama over the most petty ridiculous miniscule thing , just so they have something to get excited about in life" I doubt you are an impartial observer.

[hART]

Some of us are too nice, are confused and don't know how to say no. Sure it is bad, but why judge the victim?