Girl at work v. girl at home...

[tman666]

This should possibly go in the "General Relationship" forum, but for the moment, I'll post here and see what happens.

 

About 3 months ago, my company hired a new employee that I work along side with on a daily basis. Immediately, it was difficult not to notice her physical attractiveness. I figured "hey, this will make going to work more fun, now that I get to work with this good looking 22 y.o. girl" (most of the people at my office are middle aged men, and the women tend to be middle aged and older). I'm the youngest male at the office at 24. I really never gave it a second thought beyond the fact that I got to work along side someone who was fun to look at and be around for a change.

 

As time passed, however, our professional relationship and friendship has grown. We often talk to each other about our personal lives, interests, struggles, beliefs and views, favorite shows, pets, etc. She always laughs at my jokes. Sounds like a no brainer, right? Try to keep it professional and friendly, but if it develops past that, then take it slow and see where it goes?

 

Wrong. I am in a committed relationship with my girlfriend of almost 2 years, and she is engaged to be married about 10 months from now to her boyfriend of ~4 years.

 

Despite this, I seem to have developed feelings for this girl.

 

When I first started crushing, I figured it would pass. During the time with my current girlfriend, I have met numerous attractive, single girls who have caught my attention for only a very brief span. I have never entertained thoughts of cheating on or leaving my girlfriend for someone else.

 

Also, I have a lot of respect for the girl I work with. As far as I can tell, she is a truly wonderful person with a great head on her shoulders, sound morals, and a great attitude. I would feel terrible and low if I did or said anything to harm her engagement. I feel that letting my feelings develop and become known to her would not only be unprofessional, but unbecoming of me as a man. In short, there would be nothing "right" about it.

 

To make matters worse, my own girlfriend has been getting seemingly "dumpier" by the week. She finally got a full time job (after almost 9 months of "looking"----> I had to give her an ultimatum about a month ago in order to explain to her that if she didn't make an honest effort to find employment, she and I would have to part ways. Lo and behold, suddenly there were jobs out there!), but her employer has not given her a start date yet. Over the last 3/4 of a year, she has spent the better part of her days sitting at home, watching T.V. shows on Hulu, and not much else. I usually come home to a messy kitchen, an excited needing-to-be-walked dog, and an increasingly chunky girlfriend clad in stained sweats.

 

Last night, I came to the realization that I have not been sexually attracted to my girlfriend for a couple weeks... Which brings me to Loveshack.

 

I do love my girlfriend, and I know that she can be a smokin' hot babe when she takes care of herself and isn't lazy. I don't want to ruin my career, girl at work's career, or our respective relationships. How do I pull out of this thing without losing face?

[sally4sara]

This should possibly go in the "General Relationship" forum, but for the moment, I'll post here and see what happens.

 

About 3 months ago, my company hired a new employee that I work along side with on a daily basis. Immediately, it was difficult not to notice her physical attractiveness. I figured "hey, this will make going to work more fun, now that I get to work with this good looking 22 y.o. girl" (most of the people at my office are middle aged men, and the women tend to be middle aged and older). I'm the youngest male at the office at 24. I really never gave it a second thought beyond the fact that I got to work along side someone who was fun to look at and be around for a change.

 

As time passed, however, our professional relationship and friendship has grown. We often talk to each other about our personal lives, interests, struggles, beliefs and views, favorite shows, pets, etc. She always laughs at my jokes. Sounds like a no brainer, right? Try to keep it professional and friendly, but if it develops past that, then take it slow and see where it goes?

 

Wrong. I am in a committed relationship with my girlfriend of almost 2 years, and she is engaged to be married about 10 months from now to her boyfriend of ~4 years.

 

Despite this, I seem to have developed feelings for this girl.

 

When I first started crushing, I figured it would pass. During the time with my current girlfriend, I have met numerous attractive, single girls who have caught my attention for only a very brief span. I have never entertained thoughts of cheating on or leaving my girlfriend for someone else.

 

Also, I have a lot of respect for the girl I work with. As far as I can tell, she is a truly wonderful person with a great head on her shoulders, sound morals, and a great attitude. I would feel terrible and low if I did or said anything to harm her engagement. I feel that letting my feelings develop and become known to her would not only be unprofessional, but unbecoming of me as a man. In short, there would be nothing "right" about it.

 

To make matters worse, my own girlfriend has been getting seemingly "dumpier" by the week. She finally got a full time job (after almost 9 months of "looking"----> I had to give her an ultimatum about a month ago in order to explain to her that if she didn't make an honest effort to find employment, she and I would have to part ways. Lo and behold, suddenly there were jobs out there!), but her employer has not given her a start date yet. Over the last 3/4 of a year, she has spent the better part of her days sitting at home, watching T.V. shows on Hulu, and not much else. I usually come home to a messy kitchen, an excited needing-to-be-walked dog, and an increasingly chunky girlfriend clad in stained sweats.

 

Last night, I came to the realization that I have not been sexually attracted to my girlfriend for a couple weeks... Which brings me to Loveshack.

 

I do love my girlfriend, and I know that she can be a smokin' hot babe when she takes care of herself and isn't lazy. I don't want to ruin my career, girl at work's career, or our respective relationships. How do I pull out of this thing without losing face?

 

I don't think you respect your co worker OR love your GF. You get a new co worker and you immediate thoughts are about her physical appearance rather than any work benefit. This tells me you only see women as objects. You also seem to believe your desires becoming known would cause this girl to be unable to not act on them and damage her engagement. Its like you think she has no choice in obliging you if you speak on it.

 

While I agree a lazy partner is not the most appealing, the ability to truthfully say you do really love someone, is to exhaust all possibilities before drawing a point of no return. Has your GF been assessed for clinical depression? What if all this lay about turned out to be due to that? Did it even cross your mind or have you only been taking stock of the fact that she isn't keeping herself to the same physical standard as the chippie you think you were gifted with at work? If you really loved your GF, you'd be more concerned with her mental health and self esteem than how she measures up to someone you've only known for 3 months. And since her job situation was in effect prior to this new coworker showing up, are you sure it really bothers you that much or are you just looking for an excuse? If all she is waiting on is a start date, it sounds like she is putting in the effort - and to no avail seeing as you now have no sexual attraction to her. It doesn't seem to be as much due to anything she has control over as it seems due to your desire for your coworker. If you're going to act - at least own up to your motivations rather than pin it all on your GF.

[tman666]

I don't think you respect your co worker OR love your GF. You get a new co worker and you immediate thoughts are about her physical appearance rather than any work benefit. This tells me you only see women as objects. You also seem to believe your desires becoming known would cause this girl to be unable to not act on them and damage her engagement. Its like you think she has no choice in obliging you if you speak on it.

 

While I agree a lazy partner is not the most appealing, the ability to truthfully say you do really love someone, is to exhaust all possibilities before drawing a point of no return. Has your GF been assessed for clinical depression? What if all this lay about turned out to be due to that? Did it even cross your mind or have you only been taking stock of the fact that she isn't keeping herself to the same physical standard as the chippie you think you were gifted with at work? If you really loved your GF, you'd be more concerned with her mental health and self esteem than how she measures up to someone you've only known for 3 months. And since her job situation was in effect prior to this new coworker showing up, are you sure it really bothers you that much or are you just looking for an excuse? If all she is waiting on is a start date, it sounds like she is putting in the effort - and to no avail seeing as you now have no sexual attraction to her. It doesn't seem to be as much due to anything she has control over as it seems due to your desire for your coworker. If you're going to act - at least own up to your motivations rather than pin it all on your GF.

 

Thanks for your post, Sally.

 

Of course the coworker girl would have the option of shutting me down if I made any passes. I never meant to portray an assumption that she would even entertain the though of relations with me, let alone swoon to any advances.

 

I didn't give as much information as I apparently should have about my girlfriend. She has been like this for as long as I have known her. I believe this is due to her sister being killed in a car accident about 2.5 years ago. I have never lost any loved ones in such an abrupt and traumatic manner, but I can only guess that it is a pain that will never be fully alleviated.

 

During the majority of the time that we were dating, I took the concerned, mothering stance that you suggested would indicate true love. Over time, I have learned to view and approach the issue in a different way. While I can be sympathetic, empathetic, and supportive, it is not my responsibility to enable her lazy tendencies in the name of sympathy and love. She has free access to a therapist and treatment options. She chooses not to partake because she doesn't believe it helps. Who am I to say? All I can say with certainty is that laziness is a massive turn off to me. I have bent over backwards in the past to motivate her, entertain her, make her happy, etc. But ultimately, happiness is a personal responsibility.

[norajane]

If you have issues with your gf and no longer want to be with her, that's something you need to determine without taking the girl from work into consideration. These are two separate things, or should be.

 

Right now, all you have to offer the girl at work is cheating, lying, and sneaking around. Why in the world would a girl who is engaged to her bf of 4 years and who is " is a truly wonderful person with a great head on her shoulders, sound morals, and a great attitude" be remotely interested in that?

 

You're focused on her because you're unhappy with your gf. If you want to date other women, break up with your gf and at least be able to ask a girl on a date openly and honestly. But not this girl. She's engaged. Back off.

[tman666]

Before this goes any further let me reiterate something. Please read the following very carefully:

 

I HAVE NOT MADE ANY PASSES OR SUGGESTIVE COMMENTS TO THE ENGAGED GIRL.

 

I also never suggested that a real relationship is an option with said girl. You're correct Nora, why would anyone trust someone or want a relationship with someone with who the initial premise of the relationship was deceitful and dishonorable? I wouldn't!

 

Please do not blur the lines between what I wrote in my post and any knee jerk "he's a cheating a--hole!" feelings you may be feeling.

[norajane]

FYI, this:

 

As time passed, however, our professional relationship and friendship has grown. We often talk to each other about our personal lives, interests, struggles, beliefs and views, favorite shows, pets, etc. She always laughs at my jokes. Sounds like a no brainer, right? Try to keep it professional and friendly, but if it develops past that, then take it slow and see where it goes?

 

is exactly how emotional affairs start. Turning to another woman for emotional sustenance is an emotional affair, especially when it is to the detriment of your primary relationship. And yes, it is cheating.

 

You may not have gotten deep into that yet, especially since the woman at work is engaged and only sees you as a colleague/friend, but your feelings are getting into that emotional affair stage. Google it and read all about it.

[imani]

I think somewhere inside you, you'd like to end the relationship with the current girlfriend. I could be wrong, but it just comes across that way. You should sit down with your lady and have a serious talk as to what is going on with her and with YOU. Then you BOTH can decided if you two should stay together.

 

Surely you must care more about her as a person other than the fact that she can be a smokin hot babe when she takes care of herself and isn't lazy, right? Because if you honestly don't, then do yourself and your girl a favor by breaking up.

 

I wouldn't go for "work girl" until you've handled your current situation though. I know you said that you haven't, but norajane has a point about the whole "emotional affair" thing.

[threebyfate]

tman, you're laddering up aka branch swinging. End it with your g/f before proceeding further.

 

If this new girls has any morals, she won't bite when you start putting the moves on her.