tkgirl Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 so I have this boss/co-worker that used to be my friend... and now I feel like she hates me! and I'm pretty sure it's because she is jealous of me.... I know that sounds conceited but hear me out. She is a good 300+ pounds and I am just your average 130 pounds. Lately she has been very cold and will hardly say two words to me... it makes me very sad because we used to be friends and have a lot of laughs together at work. I think she is just a very unhappy person and sees me as "having it together" but only because I take care of myself! I don't think it's fair the way she treats me now... I mean, I don't hate her because she's fat so why does she hate me now? I'm dreading going in to work today because it's just her and I there alone.. being a sunday and all... anyways, anybody got any advice for me? thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 Today is a perfect opportunity to ask her directly! Tell her exactly what you said above - parts of it anyway, like this: so I have this boss/co-worker that used to be my friend... and now I feel like she hates me! ... Lately she has been very cold and will hardly say two words to me... it makes me very sad because we used to be friends and have a lot of laughs together at work. ... but don't say anything about your speculations. You don't know anything for sure. All you know is there has been a change in your relationship, and you'd like to know why. Be very nice AND GENTLE with your words, emphasize that you miss joking around with her, ask if you did anything to offend her. Get the message across that you're bewildered by the sudden change in her behavior. Whatever you do, DO NOT bring up her weight!! If the problem is jealousy as you suspect, that's the last thing she wants to talk about. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 tkgirl, can you expand on why you feel that weight is an issue between the two of you? Were there incidents that convinced you of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tkgirl Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 To be honest, I have no idea why the sudden change towards me. I guess I figured the weight thing made the most sense. But no, I would never say annything to her about that! I just think she is a very unhappy person and I know she's been having some health issues lately (due to her weight) and I don't know.. it just makes me sad. I try to be friendly towards her, but she has made it pretty clear she does not like me and doesn't want me even talking to her. I guess all I can do is give her her space.. try to be nice to her but not pushy. BTW since it is so slow today she left so I'm here at work by myself... which is a relief actually! anyways, thanks for the input Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 tkgirl, people harbour resentments for all kinds of petty reasons so it's best to just leave it lie, if you can't figure out what the issues are. If it's due to jealousy and/or envy, you're going to create more resentment by even bringing up the discord, nvm addressing the issue directly. They're just going to find all kinds of negative reasons to hold their grudges and deny, deny, deny. Just drop it and keep on being civil and professional. As soon as you can, if at all possible, find another department head who wants you as an employee and transfer out. If that's not possible, look for another job. It's impossible to work for an unprofessional boss. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 If she's always been heavy and you've had a healthy friendship in the past, then IMO something has changed with her outside of her weight or something has changed with you. The health issues you mentioned might be the focal point of the change. Such issues can fuel insecurities and take their toll on self-esteem. IMO, during this time, it would be best to remain supportive and positive but a bit distant, rather than familial. Link to post Share on other sites
imani Posted May 13, 2009 Share Posted May 13, 2009 Did you use to be overweight as well, and are 130lbs recently? Maybe your friend is having personal issues that have nothing to do with you or you being 130lbs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tkgirl Posted May 13, 2009 Author Share Posted May 13, 2009 Did you use to be overweight as well, and are 130lbs recently? Maybe your friend is having personal issues that have nothing to do with you or you being 130lbs. no, actually I used to be thinner and wouldn't mind losing a few pounds again... and when I think about it, she could even be close to 400 lbs... I'm serious, she's HUGE and it's very sad. I just saw an ad in a magazine for that shows "Ruby" that's on the Style network. In the ad it said she was about 437 lbs... and she looks about as big as my "friend." But I think it goes way beyond the weight thing and I feel bad saying she's jealous of me... but I do feel she resents me for some reason and that's the only thing that made sense. Like I've said, the whole thing makes me sad but I know I have to leave it alone... thers' nothing I can do about the way she feels about me.. and herself. I will continue to try to be pleasant her, but I won't push a friendship on her anymore... I just want her to be happy though. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 13, 2009 Share Posted May 13, 2009 so I have this boss/co-worker that used to be my friend... and now I feel like she hates me! and I'm pretty sure it's because she is jealous of me.... I know that sounds conceited I'd say it might be more than likely something you said and didn't realize it. Maybe you made fun of someone that was fat when she was around, maybe she overheard. I know, you might say you don't make fun of "fat" people, but maybe it was a comment that you just didn't think about. I used the phrase "big ass ham" when in the company of an overweight female friend. It was a funny reference to the phrase used on David Letterman. Nowhere was I thinking or correlating it to being overweight, but the phrase "big ass" ticked her off. I just said "that is a big ass ham" when looking in my then gf's refrigerator. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tkgirl Posted May 13, 2009 Author Share Posted May 13, 2009 I'd say it might be more than likely something you said and didn't realize it. Maybe you made fun of someone that was fat when she was around, maybe she overheard. I know, you might say you don't make fun of "fat" people, but maybe it was a comment that you just didn't think about. I used the phrase "big ass ham" when in the company of an overweight female friend. It was a funny reference to the phrase used on David Letterman. Nowhere was I thinking or correlating it to being overweight, but the phrase "big ass" ticked her off. I just said "that is a big ass ham" when looking in my then gf's refrigerator. yep, you could be right... I always tried to just be myself with her, not worrying about have to "edit" what I say around her. I really don't know, it just sucks because she used to be my friend, we used to have a lot of fun together... now she's so cold to me... BTW, I use "big ass" a lot when describing stuff, too... like "man, that was one big ass truck that just drove by..." maybe that's what I did one time around her? Link to post Share on other sites
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