What have I gotten myself into?

[burningashes]

Hi all.

 

This is probably going to be a long one, so please be patient with me. I work in a group home where I am friends with everyone off duty (I have known these people plus my boss for a very long time before I came to work there), and I have been there for 3 years now.

 

A year ago, I was good friends with a guy who was working the same shift I was in the same house. He had expressed interest in me but I always told him that I wasn't interested in anything other than friends and was quite explicit about it. Everyone knew this also. Anyway, we went out for drinks with mutual friends after our shifts ended and I ended up drinking way too much. He offered a ride to my house and since he had to work in the morning, I told him he could crash on the couch. I passed out on the couch (it was a L shaped one) and he moved over to molest me. I woke up and flipped out on him, I told him I was going to call the cops and he ran. He broke through my window and broke down the gate to get to his truck to leave my house before I could call the cops. I called them anyway and pressed charges against him. Long story cut short, I didn't have enough evidence (I turned in my phone with the messages he had texted me fully admitting that he touched me and asking me not to tell anyone etc), the police had his reciept from the bar (he blamed his behavior on being drunk, yet he drove me home and he only had 2 beers that night), etc, etc, instead of sexual assault charge, I agreed on a peace bond. It was conditional that he stays away from me both at work and off duty, and go to counselling for sexual issues, and some community service for a year.

 

At the beginning of this, I went to my boss and requested that I work different shifts other than him, and I did not go into details because this was strictly between me and him and I wanted to be professional about it. Since then, there hasn't been any problems... until now.

 

My boss showed up at my shift and said that she wanted to talk to me. She told me that she has wondered what happened that made me change my shifts, etc and needed to know. I explained that because it never happened on the job, that I wanted to be professional about the whole situation. It was difficult because we shared many mutual friends and I suffered so many rumors that started because of it, it was difficult for me to keep my dignity. It was an extremely hard year for me. She told me that she did a recent criminal check on everyone and the peace bond turned up, with a note that it is about to expire.

 

I said that I would tell her everything, except that it had to be off the record because I did not want to be responsible for any information that might cause problems at work. She agreed so I told her everything that happened that night, and what happened afterwards as a result. She told me that it made perfect sense, because she has been noticing inappropriate behaviors from him towards her and other female staff. She asked me if I was afraid that this might happen again, I said, yes, that's why I wanted to press sexual assault charges but had to settle on the peace bond. I myself have noticed the same thing, but kept quiet and now, I'm sort of worried that I might have gotten myself into a mess by telling my boss what happened.

 

I wish he went to jail. I really do- I'm very disappointed in the judicial system because despite all the evidence the police gathered, I couldn't get the assault charge to stick. If he got charged, there would be no way he would have been able to continue working in the group home. But because he didn't get charged, I wasn't willing to quit my job because of what he did. My personal and professional life has suffered because of what he did to me.

 

It's also an concern because he works with female clients in those group homes with female staff. I mean, it happened to me, so there's no reason to think it won't happen to someone else too. I also know the bond is going to expire soon too, does anyone know if I can renew it? I really do not want this guy anywhere near me, either on the job or off duty. This keeps coming back to bite me in the ass.

 

Should I have not told my boss? I am sort of doubting my decision in telling her about the situation, but I'm also glad, because now she knows that his behavior towards women in general isn't new. I'm just freaked out about this whole thing

[2sure]

You did exactly the right thing in telling your boss.

The judicial system can only do so much. You were being mature & responsible in telling your boss because you know first hand that he is a sexual predator and thats why you needed protection from him. Given his position, in a group home - this information is MUCH more important than say, if he worked at a garage.

 

So, even though the bond will expire - she will not disregard the inappropriate behavior towards women that she has already been made aware of.

 

He hasnt changed, hasnt learned anything. He will slip up and if not jailed will at least not have access to vulnerable people

[Chinook]

You did the right thing. Have to say though, the chances are that your boss was also looking for evidence from you due to other factors (him trying it on with others) and she did the criminal record check because something wasn't right for her with it and she wanted hard evidence. It sounds to me like he may have already tried it on with someone else and your boss has been made aware of it. As long as you stick to the facts and do not engage in slander or name-calling, you are within your rights to talk to whomever you wish about it. The issue of shame regarding sexual attacks is one which isn't to be taken lightly - but you should be assured, you didn't do anything wrong. The guy did. Yes, it's not nice talking about it when people ask, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.

[You'reasian]

He broke through my window and broke down the gate to get to his truck to leave my house before I could call the cops.

 

This is horrible. I'm sorry a person has to go through this kind of thing. How long have you known each other?

 

Did you take pictures of the broken window? broken gate too? How much did it cost to replace both items?

 

It must have been rather expensive for you to replace those things - so not good. How did he break the window? The gate?

 

What is the make and model of his truck? Color? Did anyone in your neighborhood see the two of you enter your place? see him leaving (or fleeing) as you described?

 

I called them anyway and pressed charges against him. Long story cut short, I didn't have enough evidence (I turned in my phone with the messages he had texted me fully admitting that he touched me and asking me not to tell anyone etc), the police had his reciept from the bar (he blamed his behavior on being drunk, yet he drove me home and he only had 2 beers that night), etc, etc, instead of sexual assault charge, I agreed on a peace bond.

 

Keep the texts. His phone would have them as well. Is this a bar that you frequent as well?

 

It was conditional that he stays away from me both at work and off duty, and go to counselling for sexual issues, and some community service for a year.

 

What do you mean by "it was conditional"? Was this a verdict from a hearing? Was this an out of court settlement?

 

If he is going to counselling for sexual issues, then he is likely seeing a counselor - establishing some kind of record and paperwork, yes?

 

At the beginning of this, I went to my boss and requested that I work different shifts other than him, and I did not go into details because this was strictly between me and him and I wanted to be professional about it. Since then, there hasn't been any problems... until now.

 

My boss showed up at my shift and said that she wanted to talk to me. She told me that she has wondered what happened that made me change my shifts, etc and needed to know. I explained that because it never happened on the job, that I wanted to be professional about the whole situation. It was difficult because we shared many mutual friends and I suffered so many rumors that started because of it, it was difficult for me to keep my dignity. It was an extremely hard year for me. She told me that she did a recent criminal check on everyone and the peace bond turned up, with a note that it is about to expire..

 

Is this a Canadian jurisdiction? What is the criminal record of the man involved other than the peace bond? Does he have repeat offenses? of what nature?

 

Assuming your boss did some kind of background check on the guy, shouldn't there be a record of this guy seeing the counselor?

 

Do you know the whereabouts of your friend?

Do you live near each other?

Is he still working for the group home?

 

This is a horrible thing to have happened to anyone and it sounds like you did the right things.

[burningashes]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. It sucks because I keep trying to move on and it keeps coming back to me :/

 

It was awful at the beginning- I stayed totally quiet about it and only a couple of my closest friends knew (they also had to go to court to be my witnesses, since they were present at the bar before the incident). I didn't call him names at work or off duty, and even when people asked, I said that I didn't want to talk about it as it was between us. I was very careful about the whole thing because everyone was friends with everyone at work and off duty. However, people found out anyway from him, who of course maintained his innocence that caused people to question my actions. The women were pretty nasty in particular, they defended him by saying that I asked for it by putting myself in that position.

 

Thing is that, he had slept over on the couch before a few times, and the last time was no different from the last few times, it was just letting a friend crash at my place. My guy friends defended me because they know that I don't sleep around and am very picky when it comes to guys- they also knew that I wasn't interested in the guy. So the drama got really nasty and even though, I tried to minimize the rumors, it still hurt me personally and professionally. My boss mentioned that she didn't think he was maintaining his boundaries at work and was wondering what was up with that, then she found out about the bond. Initially, she asked him about it and he refused to elaborate, told her to ask me. That really caught me off guard, because legally, I know that you are obligated to go into details if an employer finds out you have a bond posted, but either way, I told her anyway.

 

After I told her everything, I sort of back tracked and doubted my decision, I was afraid that I might have put myself in a bad light somehow so I came here for reassurance, I have a lot of resentment towards him and how he dealt with the situation especially at work. Just venting, I guess, thanks everyone.

 

You'reasian, I'll try my best to answer your questions!

 

Yes, pictures were taken and so on, the police gathered evidence of what he did. I turned in my phone that had all the messages from him saying that he was sorry for doing it to me, that he was drunk, etc, to please not tell anyone, etc. I never got reimbursed for the window and the gate, unfortunately. Reason being is that I was already going through the legal system for the assault, and it was a lengthy process for me. To go after him to pay for the damages, I felt that it wasn't worth the additional stress of going through another several months of legal wrangling while I was in school. So I'm alright with that. The police went to the bar and got the bill with all the drinks we both had and interviewed the bartender (who is a friend of mine, he was working that night), to attest to the fact that the guy wasn't drinking much, on top of the bill. I went through a series of interviews recounting what happened that night and so on. I was lucky to get officers that was impartial, because I've heard so many horror stories of cops treating you as the prep, not the victim.

 

Canadian jurisdiction, yep.

 

As for the peace bond, yes, it was a out of court settlement. We all showed up that day, and the prosecutor told me, after reviewing my case, that she didn't think that I had enough to make the sexual assault charge stick. Because of the fact I was drinking (I had quite a lot that night) and I worded my police statement in a way that would cause doubt (such as, "I think...") and most of the evidence weren't concrete enough. She recommended on the peace bond, with conditions attached to it that I could decide on. I decided that he had to see a counsellor, serve community service and to stay away from me. I was also told that if he committed another sexual crime, he wouldn't be getting another peace bond again (which my bf later told me that they were wrong, it doesn't work like that?).

 

I was also told that legally, if the bond shows up on a criminal check, and the employer asks, he must tell his employer details about it. After the bond expires, it will disappear from his record so his future employers won't know about his crime. The legal system/law enforcement will be the only ones who will know about the bond if they do checks on him. So anyway, I decided rather than letting him walk away scot free, I settled on a peace bond out of court. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make.

 

I don't know if he's had repeatable offenses or of what nature if he does. My boss found out about the conditions for the peace bond from me, about the counselling, so I would assume there isn't additional records other than the existence of a bond on his criminal check. No, I don't know his whereabouts or where he lives, I haven't had contact with him since it happened. Yes, he still works for the group home- which sucks because I still see him at meetings and have to change shifts with him on rare occasions.

 

I'm still interested in possibly renewing the bond so that he stays away from me, I won't be attaching conditions like the counselling etc, I just want to make sure he stays away from me.

 

Hope this answers everything. Are you a lawyer?

[You'reasian]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. It sucks because I keep trying to move on and it keeps coming back to me :/

 

It was awful at the beginning- I stayed totally quiet about it and only a couple of my closest friends knew (they also had to go to court to be my witnesses, since they were present at the bar before the incident). I didn't call him names at work or off duty, and even when people asked, I said that I didn't want to talk about it as it was between us. I was very careful about the whole thing because everyone was friends with everyone at work and off duty. However, people found out anyway from him, who of course maintained his innocence that caused people to question my actions. The women were pretty nasty in particular, they defended him by saying that I asked for it by putting myself in that position.

 

Thing is that, he had slept over on the couch before a few times, and the last time was no different from the last few times, it was just letting a friend crash at my place. My guy friends defended me because they know that I don't sleep around and am very picky when it comes to guys- they also knew that I wasn't interested in the guy. So the drama got really nasty and even though, I tried to minimize the rumors, it still hurt me personally and professionally. My boss mentioned that she didn't think he was maintaining his boundaries at work and was wondering what was up with that, then she found out about the bond. Initially, she asked him about it and he refused to elaborate, told her to ask me. That really caught me off guard, because legally, I know that you are obligated to go into details if an employer finds out you have a bond posted, but either way, I told her anyway.

 

After I told her everything, I sort of back tracked and doubted my decision, I was afraid that I might have put myself in a bad light somehow so I came here for reassurance, I have a lot of resentment towards him and how he dealt with the situation especially at work. Just venting, I guess, thanks everyone.

 

You'reasian, I'll try my best to answer your questions!

 

Yes, pictures were taken and so on, the police gathered evidence of what he did. I turned in my phone that had all the messages from him saying that he was sorry for doing it to me, that he was drunk, etc, to please not tell anyone, etc. I never got reimbursed for the window and the gate, unfortunately. Reason being is that I was already going through the legal system for the assault, and it was a lengthy process for me. To go after him to pay for the damages, I felt that it wasn't worth the additional stress of going through another several months of legal wrangling while I was in school. So I'm alright with that. The police went to the bar and got the bill with all the drinks we both had and interviewed the bartender (who is a friend of mine, he was working that night), to attest to the fact that the guy wasn't drinking much, on top of the bill. I went through a series of interviews recounting what happened that night and so on. I was lucky to get officers that was impartial, because I've heard so many horror stories of cops treating you as the prep, not the victim.

 

Canadian jurisdiction, yep.

 

As for the peace bond, yes, it was a out of court settlement. We all showed up that day, and the prosecutor told me, after reviewing my case, that she didn't think that I had enough to make the sexual assault charge stick. Because of the fact I was drinking (I had quite a lot that night) and I worded my police statement in a way that would cause doubt (such as, "I think...") and most of the evidence weren't concrete enough. She recommended on the peace bond, with conditions attached to it that I could decide on. I decided that he had to see a counsellor, serve community service and to stay away from me. I was also told that if he committed another sexual crime, he wouldn't be getting another peace bond again (which my bf later told me that they were wrong, it doesn't work like that?).

 

I was also told that legally, if the bond shows up on a criminal check, and the employer asks, he must tell his employer details about it. After the bond expires, it will disappear from his record so his future employers won't know about his crime. The legal system/law enforcement will be the only ones who will know about the bond if they do checks on him. So anyway, I decided rather than letting him walk away scot free, I settled on a peace bond out of court. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make.

 

I don't know if he's had repeatable offenses or of what nature if he does. My boss found out about the conditions for the peace bond from me, about the counselling, so I would assume there isn't additional records other than the existence of a bond on his criminal check. No, I don't know his whereabouts or where he lives, I haven't had contact with him since it happened. Yes, he still works for the group home- which sucks because I still see him at meetings and have to change shifts with him on rare occasions.

 

I'm still interested in possibly renewing the bond so that he stays away from me, I won't be attaching conditions like the counselling etc, I just want to make sure he stays away from me.

 

Hope this answers everything. Are you a lawyer?

 

What did you pay to have the window and fence re-installed? Do you have the receipts?

[burningashes]

I paid about 4 hundred dollars, and yes, I still have the reciepts.