Problems with a female housemate? What is her problem with me?

[lazlow99]

First of all, I'm a student living with 5 friends who I met during my first year of university. One of our housemates dropped out, so we ended up with a random housemate who our landlord found. She's a couple of years older than us, and a local to this city.

 

Anyway, for the first couple of weeks I though she was alright, but I noticed quite quickly that she makes things up about herself, like stories that I think are probably exaggerated or untrue.

 

The week before last she knocked on my door at 3am, drunk out of her face and was crying hysterically. When I asked her what was wrong she basically said that a 'ghost' had shouted at her in the living room, and that the ghost told her that ''we all need to get on.'' Then she started hitting herself and saying 'I''m so f*cked up'' and I got one of my friends and we were up till 5 trying to calm her down. After I was told by someone that hallucinations are signs of a serious alcoholic, and she does go out a lot and drink a lot.

 

What concerned me was when she said that the ghost 'loves' me but hates her, and when she said that one of her friends was raped, and that this is ''like rape when something comes from another world and shouts at you.'' I don't know why she thinks we don't get on, and I don't understand what I've done to upset her. We're not really friends, but I'm not nasty to her or anything. The day after she hardly left her room, and said nothing happened last night and that she's fine. She didn't say she was sorry to me, but instead complained to one of our housemates and seemed pissed off that I asked her if she was on drugs.

 

Anyway, fast forward to today... Last night me and a friend had a joking argument with her about what we wanted to watch on the TV. Two male friends came around later, and she was talking to them and started exaggerating stories about herself to them, then they went out to a club together. We didn't argue when her friends were there, so we didn't show her up, and I didn't even think it was a big deal.

 

So today me and two of our housemates are in the living room, and she's been in the kitchen with a friend for ages cooking. Suddenly she comes, takes the remote off me and changes the channel, saying ''I'm going to watch what I want now, seen as you didn't let me watch what I wanted and made me feel like a dick.'' We had an argument and I lost it a bit and ended up walking out.

 

After she suddenly switched and was being all nice again, asking one of our housemates, while I was there, if he wanted some dinner. I can't help but feel that she's got some insecurity issues, and tries to get around people. I think what happened with the TV when she confronted me was that she waited until everyone was there, to make me look like the bad guy so she could get all the sympathy. I'd seen her earlier in the day and she was fine, why couldn't she mention it then?

 

Its worth mentioning that she always says that her life is 'sh*t' and when she was drunk she said that her problem was that she's lonely. She has mood swings too, and sometimes seems depressed for no reason. She also said that she hates her course and she's intermitting next year.

 

I know this is long winded but any advice would be appreciated cause its getting to the point where I want to move out. I honestly don't know what I've done to her, and I just think that she wants to turn people against each other. When we were talking about the bills she suddenly started blaming one of our housemates who wasn't there, saying that he leaves the lights on etc and I stuck up for him. I just don't want to spend my time her arguing with anyone.

[carhill]

Armchair dx from here would be some sort of mental disorder, anywhere from bi-polar to BPD. Obviously, if she uses drugs or is an alcoholic, other issues are in play.

 

Best thing I can tell you, as someone who cared for a mentally ill person, is not to take things personally and to do what you can not to agitate her. You can't control her actions, so control yours in a way which is healthy. If that means leaving, so be it. Since she is the random addition and was brought in by the landlord, perhaps a conversation with the landlord is in order.

[casanovacorner]

Armchair dx from here would be some sort of mental disorder, anywhere from bi-polar to BPD. Obviously, if she uses drugs or is an alcoholic, other issues are in play.

 

I agree. My friend had a girlfriend like that. She would wake up in the middle of the night and destroy his room because "I didn't have a father when I was growing up, and you don't understand." LOL. Yeah, good times.

 

Best thing I can tell you, as someone who cared for a mentally ill person, is not to take things personally and to do what you can not to agitate her. You can't control her actions, so control yours in a way which is healthy. If that means leaving, so be it. Since she is the random addition and was brought in by the landlord, perhaps a conversation with the landlord is in order.

 

Again, I agree. This can also be a good source of entertainment. I'm not talking about laughing at her in her face, but later when she has moved on, you'll think about it and probably have a few funny stories to tell. Soak it up.

[Lost Student]

Sorry, I feel bad for you - that's pretty bizarre. Obviously your housemate has some serious problems. No one should have to be expected to deal with behavior like this.

 

You said that your landlord found her somewhere? Have you tried complaining to the landlord about her behavior? Maybe if you and your friends get together and document all of her strange behavior the landlord will remove her if asked to. If that alone doesn't work, the landlord may be convinced to do something if all of you threaten to leave.

 

What are the terms of your lease? I know my lease mentions something like disturbing neighbors is grounds for eviction if enough complaints are received.

 

Worse case scenario is that you may need to consider moving out with your friends and finding another place to live if the landlord doesn't cooperate.

[LittleDove]

hey-i feel for you. She has obviously got some serious mental health issues.

I dont think shes aiming at you, to me the way she came TO YOU,and showed her vunerable side, loosing it, im thinking she must feel close to you...could be why you are copping it.

Is she in anyway a friend? If not, get her out, she will disrupt your lives, and cause issues in the house that wouldnt happen, 'normally'.

Then again....isnt this the school of life? life has allsorts of people, and learning how to deal with this type, is part of growing up and dealing with ALL aspects of life.

Kicking her out seems kind of mean.

What about a big household meeting??

If her 'ghost' told her the house needs to get along better'...maybe thats her way of saying how shes feeling..

share housing is always a challenge.

[lazlow99]

Thanks for your replies guys. Since I posted last time not much has happened other than she was drunk one time and had a go at the first person she came across because she was locked out of the house. I don't really speak to her anymore, she doesn't speak to me because I think she thinks I won't give her the attention she's always after.

 

What are the terms of your lease? I know my lease mentions something like disturbing neighbors is grounds for eviction if enough complaints are received.

 

Worse case scenario is that you may need to consider moving out with your friends and finding another place to live if the landlord doesn't cooperate.

 

Well the terms are individuals can't move out unless they find a replacement. The actual contract runs out in July. Quite a few things have happened with a couple of our housemates, and I might be moving somewhere else anyway depending on what happens. So really it looks like everyone will be moving out July. Its not a fun house to live in, but if I can put up with it till next summer it will be okay I guess.

 

hey-i feel for you. She has obviously got some serious mental health issues.

I dont think shes aiming at you, to me the way she came TO YOU,and showed her vunerable side, loosing it, im thinking she must feel close to you...could be why you are copping it.

Is she in anyway a friend? If not, get her out, she will disrupt your lives, and cause issues in the house that wouldnt happen, 'normally'.

Then again....isnt this the school of life? life has allsorts of people, and learning how to deal with this type, is part of growing up and dealing with ALL aspects of life.

Kicking her out seems kind of mean.

What about a big household meeting??

If her 'ghost' told her the house needs to get along better'...maybe thats her way of saying how shes feeling..

share housing is always a challenge.

 

Well I've learnt A LOT since I moved away from home last year. Its been challenging but its made me a much better person. Like I said above it sounds like everyone is moving out in July. If what I've got going on works out I'll be okay, other wise I will probably move into a smaller house with a couple of my present housemates.

 

I don't think she feels close to me at all, although a couple of people thought she had a 'thing' for me. And she said some stuff to me when she was drunk ages ago that I 100% rejected - then later she started slagging me off to her friend who always comes around saying I was gay and in denial, and that I should get a mail order bride because I ''like to boss people around.'' Just childish stuff that doesn't have any basis.

 

I think she's pretty manipulative and she's always trying to get sympathy off people. She's a sorry state really. She looks much older than 22 due to all the alcohol I guess, and she must make up for her low self esteem by going out and getting laid or getting really drunk. It's something I really have no interest in being a part of. It's a story to tell my grandkids anyway!

[Maxie_Me]

I came across this thread while just doing some surfing and just for my 2 cents, Carhill is right. It may be a good idea to research on both bipolar and BPD(borderline personality disorder)...If it's bipolar, the good thing is it's treatable.

 

If BPD, her behavior may escalate even further. BPD can look like bipolar because of changes in mood. It can also be a combination of both. Dealing with either can be difficult, but chances are from the drunk conversation she had with you, she may already is aware that she needs help.

 

Just don't sacrafice your own needs to reach out(BPD people eats this for breakfast)..and if I were you, just keep a good distance until you can find a replacement or your contract ends.