I feel like an idiot…

[christo1]

I came in this new country for studies. I have no friends, been single for a long time, over 26,and a romantic. At the first day of uni, I notice that there was an attraction with my tutor that I tried to ignore. He must have seen it in my eyes because he started flirting. I thought that if he does it so obvious because the rest of the class was giving me idiotic commends it must be more serious, or he is doing it to draw the line.

 

I was struggling not to see my future with him and five kids. I really liked him. The rest of the class was horrible to me but from what I understand, it is in their culture to be crude and direct as far as they are hurting the others. One girl was specifically mean saying things like I look like someone who spends their time in the gym and was horrible to me. I am by the way a student of distinction an have studied in 3 countries. At one point the tutor was being even more mean to me. I wasn’t giving any signals or flirting because I was hurt and afraid. He was making public commends about me that could have been interpretated differently.

 

At some point, he started making fun about me in the class to get the attention of the other girl who was mean to me. Therefore, the whole class watched me being humiliated. I was so hurt. It still hurt. I do not have feelings for him – I am not an n idiot or a masochist, but he is doing things like e.g. putting my grades down unofficially when she is in the class etc. I don’t get it! I know it is not a positive not to be professional but sometimes you cannot help your feelings. Why did he need to embarrass me in public? (He is quite young). By the way it is necessary to say that i often have tutors who flirt with me. It is difficult for me not to fall for them. Progressing in my work is important for me so i need to have a lot of contact with them to move on. I am not sure they understand though that my work is so important for me, they start flirting, and because i am an idiot i cannot always control my feelings. Than, they start playing and it is a torture for me. I have no other life i am a foreigner and i hate this. In one university the lecturer told me to stand on the table to give a talk so that he can see my underwear! And believe me i am not looking for trouble! How could I deal with things like that! I cannot always report it! It will come against me! I will be tagged as a troublemaker! How can I not take things personally?

 

I feel underappreciated and don’t know how to act the next time he behaves like that. When he started threatening me about my grades – the same point he stated flirting with the other one- I reported the incident to his boss- of course I wasn’t mean about him. He was supportive, but still the tutor finds every opportunity to make me feel like **** and that reflects on my work as well.

 

How can I deal with this?

 

Unfortunately I need to see him every day, want to be top of the class and keep my dignity as a person and as a woman. The city I am studying in is not discreet and doesn't respect difference (especially if it is not something very direct and obvious like skin color)

[MimiMe]

I find it hard to believe that every tutor, professor, fellow student, etc... flirts with you or teases you. Either you attract and welcome this kind of behavior or you are seriously irresistible.

 

If you are serious about this affecting you so much, stand up for yourself!! Report the person harassing you. You're only going to look like the "troublemaker" if you let it become a pattern. Do it once but do it right! Make it known that you must be respected as the human being that you are and not the "make me laugh or eye candy" of others.

 

good luck!

[Kamille]

Yeah there seems to be a lot going on and a lot about your story that doesn't fit my understanding of being a foreign student in a different country. I studied abroad twice and never felt that being a foreigner made me a target for abuse.

 

Nor was it very isolating. I mean, at first it is hard building a group of friends, but that happens no matter if you move to a foreign country or just to another city withing your country.

 

I wonder.... Are there a lot of women in the education system where you are currently enrolled?

 

Also, might you be misinterpreting how the class reacts to you? Someone saying that you look like someone who spends a lot of time at the gym would actually be considered a compliment here in Canada. It means you look healthy.

 

I also don't understand how a teacher can 'put grades down unoficially".

 

And as far as falling for tutors go... I was a teacher and a lot of students fall for teachers. Your tutor shouldn't flirt back and if he does says things you find humiliating in class, you should tell him. He might not even realize he is offending you.

 

As for the standing on the desk comment, that was way out of line and definitely deserving of an official complaint.

 

Anyways, good luck...