It's so hard for me to come out of my shell!

[Mapper71]

2 weeks ago I was all gung ho about how I want to volunteer to work at my work's travel festival next weekend and how I planned on going to an orientation next month to start working at an animal rescue. But, as usual, I lose the desire to do that the more I think about everything. Because I am shy and quiet and not very good in social situations I end up changing my mind. It seems like the times I do push myself to do something on my own I feel so awkward and out of place and immediately think people find me weird and never go and do it again. Like I seemed to have a lot of confidence a few weeks ago when I was sure i wanted to volunteer at the travel festival. Now however I keep thinking "What if an attendee asks me a question I can't answer or give them wrong info?" "What if I feel silly walking up and down the isles to give them handouts?" "What if I do something to screw up someones presentation?" Then the animal rescue volunteer thing seemed great a few weeks ago too but now I think "What if nobody talks to me and looks at me like i'm weird, like they did when I volunteered for a rescue years ago (which I ended up quitting before my 3 months were up because I felt uncomfortable)?" "What if I end up doing things wrong"? Most likely I'll make some kind of excuse as to why I can't go.

 

I've also wanted to take classes at the art studio in town but am so deathly afraid of making an ass out of myself in a small class of 5 or 6 people and screwing up the easiest of things. I took a cooking class with my husband which was a disaster because we had to share a cooking area with another random couple and my husband was in a bad mood because he thought the couple were idiots and then he started getting upset with me because I wasn't doing anything right so I'll never do that again. I went skiing with a friend after 15 years of never skiing and made a complete ass out of myself during a small group lesson. I kept falling down and couldn't get up and they just stared at me. I'll never do that again

 

It's just the more I think about doing things, I almost always back out of them because it seems like every time I end up with a bad experience.

[RecentChange]

Sounds like you have a lot of social anxiety. Have you ever talked to a professional about it?

 

The skiing thing jumped out at me. I am a fool on skiis! I joined some friends on a skiing lesson. I sucked! I flopped around like a seal! And you know what? I laughed my ass off! I pictured how funny I looked, and I couldn't stop laughing at myself. I think my abs were the most sore when we were done.

 

So while you get anxious about being weird and what others think - some of us adopt a don't give a damn in order to cope.

 

Maybe a counselor could give you some tips on how to tackle this anxiety? It doesn't sound very fun.

[Mapper71]

No I've never talked to a professional about it. I just feel like I'm the weirdest person in the room no matter where I go because I'm quiet or can't come up with a snappy comeback. Or else I'm uncomfortable because I'm having an acne breakout (at age 45!)or a bad hair day and that makes me even more uncomfortable. I walked into a lunchtime party at work a few months ago, and I went by myself because the others in my dept went over before I did and they were leaving just as I got there. Nobody came up and talked to me. Everyone was in their little group and I'd sidle over by someone and they'd look at me then look away engaging in conversation with other people. I stood there like a total idiot in the middle of the room.I stayed about 2 minutes and then left.

[todreaminblue]

No I've never talked to a professional about it. I just feel like I'm the weirdest person in the room no matter where I go because I'm quiet or can't come up with a snappy comeback. Or else I'm uncomfortable because I'm having an acne breakout (at age 45!)or a bad hair day and that makes me even more uncomfortable. I walked into a lunchtime party at work a few months ago, and I went by myself because the others in my dept went over before I did and they were leaving just as I got there. Nobody came up and talked to me. Everyone was in their little group and I'd sidle over by someone and they'd look at me then look away engaging in conversation with other people. I stood there like a total idiot in the middle of the room.I stayed about 2 minutes and then left.

 

 

Mapper there are always going to be people like you , feeling the way you do.....you dont have to fit a specific mold to participate, you dont have to feel like you fit in, you just have to be who you are and be in the place you feel a push to be in..........

 

go easy when you feel out of place.....its social anxiety and it exists......you have it...probably two or three more people wherever you go have it.....many people are quiet in social situations....some of them are quietly confident some of them dont know what to say and some of them just dont want to speak preferring just to participate and get things done.....

 

 

there are confident ones who input all the time in group discussions and there are people who it takes a little longer to settle in and input.....and then there's people like me who will bluff confidence when inside im going shut you talk to much, shut up no one wants to hear your annoying whiny voice, shut up think you know everything.....and i speak up to basically to silence the voices.....i hate the word shut up...i hear ti so much....constantly ...internally...the worst thing someone can tell me ...is to shut up..they have no idea how much i have heard it and will hear those two words.....its a constant battle

 

to make a classroom dynamic and progressive takes all types......you are part of that dynamic...you ...as you are...just there.....doing worthwhile and beautiful things.....your husband if he behaves in that manner ......is not helping you...it is not you who needs to change....he needs to learn tolerance by getting on with people he normally wouldnt and doing that cooking class is an opportunity for him to grow.....fi he takes it.....i guess thats up to him.....everyoen has bad days maybe that was his...bad day......

 

dont give up...some days its hard to go places and do things for me...and you know if i don't make it ( i try hard to) i feel really guilty......but....if i go to everything i want to go to ...i would be dead.....i wan tto do everything so i join many things and then end up not going to some things because its draining for me fighting internal battles all the time is draining ...being empathetic to people around you draining........so this week...i have missed one creative writing class.....goign to miss choir today because im trying to help a friend with a phone she is going overseas and it needs to be done today.........

 

 

missed cooking a dinner last night at my place with friends because i went to a new arts class yesterday..i want to go to uni and this is a stepping organisation that will help me get there..........meant to go to a start up dinner for my fave choir tonight and have a rubbish removal coming tomorrow morning and i have to cook for a church quiz night dinner tomorrow night..we are going bollywood style and i have four dishes i want to make..even though one would suffice i want to make four.....cant decide which one to cut so makin four.....and i have to watch this movie over(seen ti before)as a refresher because its part of the quiz..and i have part of me that is highly competitive needing a fix...........

 

 

i want to kill myself.....because i cant do it all.....im feeling overwhelmed...so i will be cancelling a few things.....AND THATS OK...ill go next week to things i miss out on .....

 

i used to be a recluse wouldnt go out anywhere for months on end other than to skulk around food shopping as fast as possible and go back to my room and my computer......and even though connected to people online and i have a big family...i was really lonely.....i wanted to be out in the world...fitting in or not...and volunteer work is so positive mapper such a positive way to ease yourself in to worthwhile pursuits......

 

 

you might not ever feel you fit in...i never do......but i have fun anyway i meet people and i learn and i grow.......maybe start with one thing you really like to do .....and increase as you get more used to being part fo a group .....you may feel awkward.....but dont think you are the only one who is feeling that way...you wont be.....and you dotn know who is there is actually just waitign for a person like you to talk to.....to interact with

 

a girl who went to my school( i have her on fb) read my poetry on my face book and said to me why didnt we know each other at school....must be the way things were so many people...but it wasnt that at all...i knew her and her friends i knew her hobbies her likes her dislikes what sport she played......where she excelled.....i was the girl who watched from a distance too shy to speak ...felt too insignificant..bullied too much....to the point i didnt really talk to anyone.....the girl who was chosen last for everything because i would always try to blend in to a wall and be unnoticed so i often was...unnoticed........

 

 

i wonder now ...just maybe....if i had spoken up ...walked over ...sat down with.......some of those clever funny(they were always laughing and i so wanted to laugh with them) intelligent girls.they intimidated me...to em they were perfect...and i wasnt........maybe i would have fit in if i had just once...said soemthing...instead of being silent ...........i might have made some friends...and school wouldnt have been so lonely that i would go home and cry at the end of every day..in the bathroom so my sis wouldnt see me cry .......

 

 

fear stopped me...fear of being publicly humiliated......rejected......or ridiculed......and it still does on occasion prevent me from being part of a group where i would probably be welcome...and be a valued member of..i can work hard......i can be of worth..not if i dont go though.....

 

dont let fear stop you or let apathy settle in your heart..... ...you never know what might happen if you do go ...but it surely wont happen ...if you arent there......i wish you well mapper.......just be you......and go easy when you feel anxious......but still be there...awkward or not..... ..you are needed to be.......there's always a reason why we feel a push to be somewhere...join something.........God knows where we need to be.......and we need to be there....for us...and for others......good luck...deb

Edited March 9, 2017 by todreaminblue

[RecentChange]

I think talking to a professional who could give you some tips on how to tackle your anxiety will help.

 

I know I am extrovert, so totally on the other end of things....

 

For example I get cold sores. Giant, disgusting herpes sore on my lip. It's gross, I hate going out in public when I have one. I call it my "lepro lip" as I feel like I have leprosy when I have it!

 

So I buck up, and do my best to pretend it's not there, and ya know what? Most people act like it's not there either.

 

I have a sociology degree, and one thing we learned about group social interaction, is that not only do people not like to be embarrassed, but that other people do not like seeing people be embarrassed.

 

People do not take glee in another's embarrassment, rather it makes them feel uncomfortable. If someone often acts embarrassed, they will avoid interaction with them as to not feel akward / uncomfortable.

 

If I walk into a room, even one full of people that know me, I can't count on them coming up to me - I need to go up and greet them, I don't expect people to come to me.

 

I feel like you see the world through the lens of your anxiety, and that perhaps if you developed some tools to manage your anxiety, that you would be more comfortable with social interactions.

[messier31]

I used to have social anxiety just like you did. I used to step into a social setting thinking they're so much more fun and more interesting than me. They can talk about anything while I can barely muster anything good to come out of my mouth that would peak their interests. I'll tell you what it's normal for most folks. The fear of embarrassment is normal.

 

Here's how I overcame my issue with this. I changed my mentality which helped me gain more confidence and made me care less. I thought about how life really is too short to care what other people think. I should just be my (best)self and just approach everyone like they have social anxiety like I do. I started looking at people directly in the eyes when talking with them. Look at their reception to me talking to them and gauge the interaction that way. It became more like experimenting (which is kinda what you're doing). If I embarrassed myself I just chuckle at my mistake and move on. People don't really mind. The mature ones know that everyone makes mistakes and understand.

 

Of course this was my way. I go to the gym a lot and that helps me build my confidence. You don't have to try to be the most impressionable person in the room. Take baby steps to get out of your comfort zone.