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Boosting Self-Esteem/Self-Love


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Old 22nd February 2017, 10:19 PM   #1
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Boosting Self-Esteem/Self-Love

I think I have a lot of codependentish like issues. I've been trying to learn how to stay in my own lane more, stop caring what other people think, and walk away from drama.

I've read and observed within myself that I get less involved with other people the more engaged I am with myself and my own life, which I am equating here with self-love/self-esteem (the logic isn't totally straight, but I think people will get it!).

Does anyone have any idea of activities/techniques that can help with self-love/self-esteem?

For example, I read somewhere that integrity is a big first step, which means making sure your actions match your words, so I've been paying more attention to my obligations, esp. obligations to myself like devoting time to my hobbies, cooking food for myself, grooming, diet, exercise. Goal-setting, I think, is also important--though I'd like them to be fun goals.

I have also been trying to be present with myself more. So for example instead of feeling awkward at a party and drinking or eating more, letting myself feel the feeling, telling myself it is okay and moving forward from there.

I guess I just want to tap more into this happiness I'm assured lies within

Last edited by lovely81; 22nd February 2017 at 10:23 PM..
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Old 23rd February 2017, 10:39 AM   #2
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lovely81,

It sounds like your introspective efforts have already yielded good results - congrats! .
There are so many types of tools and techniques for psychological healing that it's difficult to offer a 'one size fits all' approach.

There is an 'Invocation for Loving Yourself' (INV05 - in the middle of the list). If that is of interest, these two links - Link #1 and Link #2 - are related to giving invocations.

As far as reading material, you could consider: 'How to See Yourself As You Really Are', by the Dalai Lama. There is also 'The Way of Liberation', as well as 'Power vs. Force'.

I also believe that happiness and fulfillment lie within; these are some of the tools that I have recently found helpful for my own Spiritual growth - but by far are
not the only ones. As we seek, so shall we find. .

Wishing you the best,
Ronni
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Old 23rd February 2017, 2:11 PM   #3
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Thanks so much for the links!
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Old 23rd February 2017, 8:34 PM   #4
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The best thing you can do to strengthen yourself so you're not as dependent or codependent is live alone and totally support your own self and do everything to take care of your life and responsibilities and that will give you confidence in your ability to survive in general.

Other co-dependence issues go back to issue from childhood and need some therapy to see why. Like a friend of mine had a dad who abandoned and she keeps thinking she needs these men who are pushing her away and that it's very important she make them stay, no matter what crap they are.
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Old 24th February 2017, 12:16 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovely81 View Post
I think I have a lot of codependentish like issues. I've been trying to learn how to stay in my own lane more, stop caring what other people think, and walk away from drama.

I've read and observed within myself that I get less involved with other people the more engaged I am with myself and my own life, which I am equating here with self-love/self-esteem (the logic isn't totally straight, but I think people will get it!).

Does anyone have any idea of activities/techniques that can help with self-love/self-esteem?

For example, I read somewhere that integrity is a big first step, which means making sure your actions match your words, so I've been paying more attention to my obligations, esp. obligations to myself like devoting time to my hobbies, cooking food for myself, grooming, diet, exercise. Goal-setting, I think, is also important--though I'd like them to be fun goals.

I have also been trying to be present with myself more. So for example instead of feeling awkward at a party and drinking or eating more, letting myself feel the feeling, telling myself it is okay and moving forward from there.

I guess I just want to tap more into this happiness I'm assured lies within
Try to accomplish a few things. While other people can flatter you with BS, you can't do that. The only way to be proud of yourself is to be proud of yourself. You'll find it's not really about accomplishment, but the feeling good about yourself is in the journey, doing your best and getting better.

To thine own self be true. What is it that you really want, other than to feel good about yourself? Go do it. That's the only way.
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Old 24th February 2017, 9:48 AM   #6
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Try to accomplish a few things. While other people can flatter you with BS, you can't do that. The only way to be proud of yourself is to be proud of yourself. You'll find it's not really about accomplishment, but the feeling good about yourself is in the journey, doing your best and getting better.

To thine own self be true. What is it that you really want, other than to feel good about yourself? Go do it. That's the only way.
These words, perfection. My dad said these words to me as a kid. It took years for me to understand and I repeated them at his Memorial.

OP being true to yourself is the opposite of selfishness. You will be exactly in the right place at the right time and the most benefit to the most people.

Not the least, you will be free.
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Old 24th February 2017, 10:55 AM   #7
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These words, perfection. My dad said these words to me as a kid. It took years for me to understand and I repeated them at his Memorial.
I am curious--what did you not understand for years? What do you think of as being yourself and in what ways were you not yourself?
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Old 24th February 2017, 11:53 AM   #8
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I thought being true to myself was selfish. I struggled to put my needs or wants on the same level as others.

It's kind of funny in a way I still do and yet I am being true to myself. The other day I asked my bf what he thought if when a person asks something of me and I don't want to do it.....instead of making an excuse and degrading my integrity with a lie, I only say 'I'm sorry, I can't do that.' With no further explanation.

This comes easily to some people, I'm aware, but for me it's a challenge and as much as I want to, I will see if I am able to do it. I'm not sure that it's the proper thing to do anyway.

I don't think that I lack confidence so much that it is very important to me to do the right thing and to not offend. LS laughing, it's true and if I am willing to stick my neck out it's because I believe it's the right thing to do and I am being true to myself.

I would ask you lovely81, do you believe that to thine own self be true is something that comes easily for you?

Last edited by Timshel; 24th February 2017 at 11:56 AM..
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Old 24th February 2017, 3:18 PM   #9
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Hi Timshel, I've been doing that lately about not giving excuses and just saying "I can't." It's something that is encouraged in books and audiotapes by Byron Katie. I think a lot of the time the excuse is just clutter and gives more stuff to talk about, almost creates drama, even if on a micro-micro-level. I've really enjoyed the cleanness of just saying "I can't."

I think I am scared to stick up for myself. A lot of times it comes in the form of being scared to turn down social invitations because I might be "left alone." (Either lose contact with the people who invited me or miss out on meeting a potential mate.)

People who know me I think think I'm very confident and in touch with myself. But in seems to me although this is true in a superficial way (I'm not afraid to critique Beyonce for example ), it doesn't seem true to me on a deeper level. It seems to me I will cross some inner boundaries rather than risk feeling social adrift. For instance, I put up with a fair amount of gossiping and even contribute rather than voicing the truer, deeper feeling ("This seems mean-spirited and rude.")

Recently I was watching a documentary about the civil rights era, and a man was talking about being arrested for protesting segregated lunch counters. He said something like how that first night in jail was the freest he ever felt. I really identified with that. I don't feel oppressed so much by laws the state put down as much as by laws I've put on myself, perhaps. (Be funny, agreeable, confident etc.) Byron Katie says we're afraid to be honest/be ourselves when we're afraid we'll lose something.

Anyway, I think this is why I'm thinking more about how I treat myself when I'm alone, because I think it does have a ripple effect on your outside life. This vulnerability I have about not wanting to be alone has kept me trapped in relationships that never quite feel right. And I've noticed that I often end up treating the people who do feel right like sponges for all my emotions.
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Old 24th February 2017, 5:16 PM   #10
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I have a problem with the term co dependent......probably because i am co dependent....age old story made into a song... daddy never loved her much,mother never keeps in touch.......so yes i have been abandoned..abused misused..sexually assaulted...ignored...rejected...publicly humiliated....ridiculed bullied....its a wonder i am still here really...or not permanently locked up...i crave affection..physical mental...emotional...spiritual.....i am the one who will push people away....because on top of all this i am empathetic.....people lie...which aggravates trust issues......even though i crave affection like an addict.....it takes years for a man to get through to the heart of me no matter how much i like them that si why......i would consider going back to an ex i loved.....


...i have also lived alone...faced life by myself gone completely introverted to the point of being a recluse ..done therapy over and over and over .....taken meds ...had electric shock therapy even get to a certain point in time where i want to take myself out of this life's equation just too damaged and complex.....

i have had a pshychological profile done and got a result of 100 per cent complexity


.you name it i have tried everything i can to be considered a fit.... to be "considered" a "normal" healthy member of society by a shrink.....the shrinks i have had are by the way, are never straight up normal..which is rather ironic....

what i have found helps......with self worth.....

getting negativity out of my head...i am creative so write....or i sketch or i create...out of loneliness pain happiness sadness...depression..... ...i create feelings in abstraction to remove them adn allow me to get on with my day.....i observe...the world around me......i watch interactions...i push myself out int he world even when at times its like i am dragging myself around.....with a smile on my face so i dont ruin someone else's day.....and you know...this actually helps a lot.....i try to laugh as often as i can..laughter makes you feel good scientific fact with no pretense in it.....when i am really low and struggling ill help others i will push them up as high as i can adn hang on tot heir sneakers so maybe they might take me with them.....and it does.....it lifts me from introversion and being in my own head too much/........when i have low self worth...i try to be around people who are good to me who care who make me laugh and see the bright side....and if i cant be with people who are good...ill go global......the internet is a way to0 connect doesnt have to be all bad all the time...it can be freeing if you let it be........so on a global scale.....i will travel hunt for that bright side on my own......

i got to church...to lift my spiritual core.......surround myself amongst others doing the same thing.......gives me the opportunity to let go of my mistakes adn start anew each week trying to be better than the day before......

i forgive others....i do unto others...so that my worth is bolstered b y the freedom that forgiveness provides.....

but most importantly...i dont have to do anything......i dont have to match someones ideal of what they believe is healthy.....for me to be healthy i have to accept the skin i am in...to have self worth...i have to feel worthy of this life regardless of how damaged i am outside and inside.......i have to believe the pain i have experienced all has purpose as does the addiction to affection and love......the craving i feel to connect to others......is there for a reason...maybe its what developed my empathy...honed it...polished it so it was as keen and developed as my needs.....


no one.......can tell me how i feel or should feel or what i should do or what i shouldn't do...that's gods realm..and my agency........and maybe ill just go around in circles ....and always have low self esteem.....till i kick the bucket.....but i wont hurt people...not intentionally.and if i do hurt someone i am quick to apologize.........and being like that ....makes me happy.....

a few quotes and sayings that keep me alive and they push me to get out and not be a recluse...
Quote:
is theres a time a reason and a place for everything in life and on this earth.
....god made it so...and i dont understand his reasons and i wont ...not in this life....and thats ok...i can let go of not understanding why and move on.........even feelings of co dependency..there's reasons for feeling a strong desire to be connected to someone.....if i used that word which i dont.....i accept i am damaged its actually understandable......


to feel good about myself......to feel "high" on life not so much myself....holding yourself in high esteem can sometimes be counter productive to change.....feeling high...comes from acceptance and a desire to grow......aND create and be useful and help others and be around people who feel the same...thats how i feel ..."high" ......so does accepting others for who they are and not trying to be anyone but myself while REALLY FINDING that acceptance back...is enlightening and lifting.....

and last of all...honesty...honesty is huge......with myself...and with others...i know my own faults..and im not easy....but people...hardly ever are....easy ....having high self esteem to me...is not as important as having compassion for others......or ....showing, expressing or having love in your life.....giving and receiving.......living alone going introspective..... ......yeah not quite sure that helps a co dependent;......co dependent flagellation....more or less.....

maybe turning that co dependent need into helping others...and pushing yourself out in the world...might just fill that need in you more.....(shudder...i have used the word co dependent so many times...feel dirty now...need a shower)...smilin...i think sometimes you can get caught up too much in your own head thinking about your own needs that get you down ....when you could be helping someone else and in that help...you help yourself more than you do actually them....more than thinking and thinking and thinking deep introspection........about how you need to change ...be that change to somebody else....and like every action has an equal and opposite reaction.....so the reaction that happens.....due to your actions....is that you change yourself...a longer lasting....deeper...more fulfilling change....comes down to a scientific spiritual hypothesis.......lol...ahem.... or my fave dr suess quote ill leave you with....JUST


Quote:
be you...no one is youer than you...dr suess

...deb

Last edited by todreaminblue; 24th February 2017 at 5:38 PM..
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Old 25th February 2017, 10:26 AM   #11
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Thanks, todreaminblue. Creativity is also really important to me.
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Old 25th February 2017, 11:55 AM   #12
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[QUOTE=lovely81;7238296]
Byron Katie says we're afraid to be honest/be ourselves when we're afraid we'll lose something."

I would agree with this. In many ways this addresses avoiding engaging in aberrant behavior, resisting actions that will result in being socially ostracized. This has it's place in broad strokes but for the average individual who is a 'people pleaser' or conforms to a point of suppressing their own identity, something to be challenged perhaps.



"Anyway, I think this is why I'm thinking more about how I treat myself when I'm alone, because I think it does have a ripple effect on your outside life. This vulnerability I have about not wanting to be alone has kept me trapped in relationships that never quite feel right. And I've noticed that I often end up treating the people who do feel right like sponges for all my emotions."

Would you explain a little more about this? In what ways do you treat them as emotional sponges? Are you venting to or at them, are you emotionally volatile with them?
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Old 25th February 2017, 9:45 PM   #13
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I have been...rejected...publicly humiliated....ridiculed
Deb,
You know the first thing that came to my mind when I read that? -- "Jesus can say that, as well...Deb is in pretty elevated company!" I mean...it's not not true, right?

Again, I don't really know what may or may not be useful for you or lovely81, so I'm just going on instinct/intuition. These two Discourses are complementary to each other; though, the second one listed was actually given first:
Why you took on limitations [challenges] on Earth - and - Spirituality beyond elitism
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Old 26th February 2017, 10:42 AM   #14
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I have also been trying to be present with myself more.
Practise this whenever you can, even when you are alone. The more present you are within yourself, the more able you will become in every aspect of your life.
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Old 26th February 2017, 4:24 PM   #15
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[QUOTE=Timshel;7239085]
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Would you explain a little more about this? In what ways do you treat them as emotional sponges? Are you venting to or at them, are you emotionally volatile with them?
Venting to them.

It's only recently that I've begun to feel as if I could even live life a little more emotionally independently. I think I've done a good job of sort of pretending to be so to most people, including myself, but I have a couple of key relationships where I'm not afraid to let out my fears and insecurities--and those relationships can be overwhelmed and dominated by this need for assurance. I realize it's these relationships (thinking of my mother and a good friend) that are a more accurate reflection of how I'm feeling on the inside most of the time--tense, on edge, unworthy.

And, I think, even in the relationships where I'm not venting, perhaps I'm doing so subconsciously. So these relationships don't end up feeling very fulfilling either a lot of the time, because they're all predicated on this need for assurance that persists no matter what "successes" accumulate.

@TruthTripper I love the Jung quote in your profile, really related.
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