Meditations on life
I had a realization, while I was at work yesterday, after observing and listening to this kid speak to supervision. To begin with, the kid seems to be very personable, physically appealing, and well put together. Furthermore, he had a stable upbringing, very minimal conflict or struggle growing up, and has had a relatively smooth transitions advancing through the projected phases of a successful life. He's already had three promotions at work, within a four year time span, has a projected path to success within the company we work in, just got married, purchased a new home, has a child on the way and is self-sufficient.
I noticed the interaction he had with the two people in front of me. It was a fluent transaction that went very smoothly, which was very personable; included laughter and a general interest in one another's personal/public life. It also included discussion about the movement of individuals to their next promotion within the small group of bourgeois elite that dominate within the company. The interaction ended with them all agreeing to meet up for lunch, with no hesitation on agreement. After the kid departed from the exchange, you could see the augmented levels of confidence he experienced through such a positive interaction, through his body language, before he went on to his next venture.
While I was making all these observations, I started to reflect on my own life, drawing comparisons to what I just witnessed in front of me. I reflected on the chaos of failed relationships, a broken family with little resources or wealth, personality flaws that make it hard to connect with others on a superficial level, being at the company for a couple years with no promotion in sight, having huge amounts of debt, having to move back in with my parents due to said debt, and much more.
Due to my age, I asked myself what is the value of my life at my current age given the current circumstances? I reflected on just how behind I am in life, given this kid revealed he is four years younger than me, but is light years ahead in his progression. I reflected on my averageness. I reflected on my introverted personality, my lack of talents, or something that makes me stand out from the rest in a positive light. I reflected on the pain, the perpetual hardships of trying to dig out of an endless hole, the loneliness, the continual effort of putting my best foot forward, but never seeming to make any meaningful progress.
I then looked into the future, and looked at the most likely scenario with the quality of life attached to it. After evaluating, and being honest with myself, I came to the inference of where all this was going. From when we begin on our pilgrimage into the world, we find out where we place on the societal hierarchy fairly quick. Some advance up the latter, but most always stay in their cast. For me, I am still that geeky outsider who sat at the other end of the lunch table with a small group of others, away from the norm or popular. I have always ranked somewhere in the middle or slightly below; this trend will likely continue, because this was my destiny.
Now that I have exited my twenties the illusions and fantasies are over, the hope has nearly but all dissipated. I have finally reckoned with my future, and have pondered if it is a future worth continuing. I feel older than my age internally, but this odd survival instinct within keeps me somehow going when I know the hopelessness of the situation.
I wonder how long this will last?
Last edited by endlessabyss; 7th January 2017 at 12:09 PM..