Developing Emotional Resilience

[thecrucible]

I've worked out that what's holding me back with relationships is the fear of being hurt. It seems silly because it's not like it hasn't happened before and I haven't gotten over it. But the very thought of it freaks me out. Other emotional events can set me back in my head for months. Last summer something stressful happened at a job I was doing (it was to do with someone talking behind my back) and it made me so upset that I lost a bit of confidence for at least 3 months after it happened. It seems so minor as well.

 

I think it stems back to issues I've had bonding with people throughout my life. I do worry about being judged a lot. I have difficulty trusting people as well. I should say that in the background is my social anxiety. The social anxiety is not like shyness. I can be effective in the majority of social situations. It's what happens afterwards when I'm by myself and I start going over everything in my head that's troubling.

 

Any tips for going out into the world of relationships again without fear? Or can anyone relate?

[LastAcorn99]

I can relate to this. It was a real struggle for me too. But after I learn to be more excepting of myself -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- I began to be less threatened by other people’s wrong opinion about me. Regarding trust, I think it will be foolish to trust anyone and everyone just like that; it has to be developed over time. However, if you feel some deep hurts from past is crippling your emotions, you might want to seek the help of a counselor. Hope this helps!

[S2B]

It's easier if you understand what your healthy boundary is and what that looks like for you.

 

It also helps if you decide to trust only when people earn your trust by their words matching their actions.

[Blackened Heart]

I would say that people worry about being judge is more in their head. Honestly I feel people don't think much of others but rather think about themselves more so. For me I've been fortunate where I don't honestly care or worry what other people think of me.

 

My ex-wife though, she was constantly concern of what others thought or said about her, so I get the worriment. For her it was a real struggle, and one that couldn't be helped. Just remind yourself that people are typically way more into themselves than judging you

[Arieswoman]

the crucible,

 

Any tips for going out into the world of relationships again without fear?

 

No, sorry, no-one can provide such information.

 

Unless you choose to be a hermit and live in a cave there will always be the necessity to interact with other humans in one way or another. So there will always be the potential for getting emotionally hurt to a greater or lesser degree.

 

But as S2B says, you need to minimize emotional traumas by setting healthy boundaries for you, and enforce them. This will go a long way towards gaining confidence in dating.

 

Give yourself permission to walk away at the sight of the first "red flag" and learn to listen to your gut feelings.

 

Good luck x

[truthtripper]

I can relate. I suffered child abuse. In my view, if parents fail to instill a strong sense of self and confidence in their children, the children are also going to have problems in adult their lives. It all falls back on your upbringing. Sure, there may be anxiety/depression genes, but there also has to be environmental triggers for the genes to be switched on.

 

In my case, I have always felt like I don't belong to myself or I'm not worthy of being so-that I belong to other people and not to myself, like I'm their possession. I wasn't consciously aware of this until recently. This realisation has helped me to understand exactly why I get so anxious around people, which in turn has helped me to control it. When I feel the anxiety rising, I tune into my body and presence and remind myself that they solely belong to me.

 

Another way I could express it is like feeling transparent around people, like they can see straight through me and I have no solid stature of my own.

 

Becoming more aware of your feelings is the only way to resolve anxiety. It will always stem from ingrained self-defeating beliefs from childhood many of which are unconscious, but can still be retrieved, as above!

 

Hope this helps.

[thecrucible]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. currently travelling so I'll write more when I'm home on my computer.

 

When it comes to relationships, I wouldn't say I'm avoiding them. I desire them so much but I hate the vulnerable feeling I have when I get close to someone. I can feel misunderstood by some who don't like my sensitivity and impetuousness. Arguments get magnified in my head so any ups and down are really emotionally draining. I've been single for 5 years and I didn't feel lonely to begin with but I feel it now. I'm quite busy in life so I know it's not influenced by me having nothing to do.

[thecrucible]

Thanks you guys. That's really helpful. To give some background, I did have social anxiety (maybe still have a bit now) so I think that does feed into it. I actually enjoying being around people so social situations are not something I try to avoid.

 

It's afterwards that I analyse things. For instance, I'm quieter than other people and I'm not one for great quips or witticisms. I've had people say that I'm serious or intense. I won't be able to instantly charm people and actually that kind of gets to me. In a way I accept who I am but I also worry that I'm too unusual to find rapport with others sometimes.

 

I do tend to avoid conflict though. I'm not a walkover but sometimes I want an easy life so I'll avoid arguing even if the issue is important to me. If I'm really angry, I do show it but it has to be something really big.

 

 

But as S2B says, you need to minimize emotional traumas by setting healthy boundaries for you, and enforce them. This will go a long way towards gaining confidence in dating.

 

Give yourself permission to walk away at the sight of the first "red flag" and learn to listen to your gut feelings.

 

Good luck x

 

Thanks Aries. The boundary enforcing is definitely working for me in a lot of ways. I can be more detached when I make certain decisions. At the moment, I'm feeling pretty rubbish to be honest. I've put on a couple of stone due to stress so I don't like my looks (but working on it). Plus I've been hurt physically and emotionally in relationships before so it's not an unknown for me. I'm afraid of being with someone who doesn't really like me for who I am, who doesn't really love me or wants to have me as what I would call a 'placeholder girlfriend'. Guys like that can be harder to spot than you would think initially and I've been in that situation before.

 

In a non-dating scenario if say I have a bad job interview or fall out with a friend, I'll be thinking of it all the time and lose a lot of motivation.

[NTV]

Just wanted to add... how much do you judge others? Probably not that much right?

 

And when you do judge them...do you let that stop your life? Do you spend more than a moments time thinking negatively about others? I don't. I don't have the time to spend on that kinda stuff.

 

So even if you are being judged, the only folks I can think of who spend a lot of time judging are the ones who don't have enough going on in their own lives to matter to me.

[knockout33]

I feel the same way sometimes when I think about it. Im sensitive at times and so it can be hard. I was hurt before also. I ususally just expect the unexpected. I guess its not always a good idea though depending on who your dealing with and the situation. But recently I started doing that. It might help. Kind of like setting a boundary with someone .A friend or b/f. When or if you were to set that boundary, I guess know in your mind that the person may change their ways, but also know that they may not. So it won't catch you off guard or atleast too much. Just an example of expecting the unexpected.

Edited December 29, 2016 by knockout33

[thecrucible]

I feel the same way sometimes when I think about it. Im sensitive at times and so it can be hard. I was hurt before also. I ususally just expect the unexpected. I guess its not always a good idea though depending on who your dealing with and the situation. But recently I started doing that. It might help. Kind of like setting a boundary with someone .A friend or b/f. When or if you were to set that boundary, I guess know in your mind that the person may change their ways, but also know that they may not. So it won't catch you off guard or atleast too much. Just an example of expecting the unexpected.

 

Thanks knockout33,

 

I will try to 'expect the unexpected'. I think that's a good way to go about things. I'm human and I will get hurt. But that's it. Being fearless is something I'm going to try for the next year.

 

It's only on online dating this happens - that the fear sets in. It's like too much in my face at the moment. I'm okay until it starts to get real and it's really hard for me to just bite the bullet and go on a date. But if a guy started chatting to me in real life, I'd treat the situation differently. But I'm going to have to do it because you don't get what you want by not trying.

[Satu]

You might benefit from looking at your self-talk, and making some changes.

 

We talk to ourselves all the time, even when we're not aware of it.

 

Just notice the way you make comments about yourself, and notice any lack of kindness.

 

Start saying nice things to yourself:

 

"Today, I'm ok. I'm ok with who I am. Other people are ok with who I am. Other people are ok. I'm ok today."

 

It sounds ridiculously simplistic, but it does make a difference.

 

You can even be more than ok, if you want

 

 

Take care.

[thecrucible]

You might benefit from looking at your self-talk, and making some changes.

 

We talk to ourselves all the time, even when we're not aware of it.

 

Just notice the way you make comments about yourself, and notice any lack of kindness.

 

Start saying nice things to yourself:

 

"Today, I'm ok. I'm ok with who I am. Other people are ok with who I am. Other people are ok. I'm ok today."

 

It sounds ridiculously simplistic, but it does make a difference.

 

You can even be more than ok, if you want

 

 

Take care.

 

Thanks Satu.

 

I let things get to me so when they turn out different to what they initially seemed, I criticise myself. Like when I am too sensitive about something or read something extra into it or let what other people do affect me. It can get blown out of the proportion in my mind and it really affects me.

 

I had anxiety at university and got advice on various techniques but I'm still a work in progress. I'll give some positive self talk a good old try.