How do I keep going?

[Inflikted]

I feel like the vast majority of people I've encountered have something that drives them, something that gives their life meaning, something that gets them out of bed every morning. Something that makes their struggles and their troubles all worth it to them. Whether that be a career they take pride in, or some endeavor, or some close friends, family, or a loved one, or something.

 

Me, I don't have that. I don't even know how I manage to drag myself out of bed. Most of the time, I wake up disappointed, wishing that my actual life was all some horrible nightmare that I'll really wake up from. Every day for me is exactly the same. I wake up, I go to a frustrating, low-paying, menial "high school"-level job (which is pretty embarrassing, me being a 26 year old guy), I come home and dabble in a couple nerdy little hobbies, I go to bed, and I repeat that all over. I have no social life, never had a friend, never been on a date, I have no real family to connect with. The only "passion" I've ever had was the thing I pursued and completed my education in, but as it turns out, it's nigh impossible for me to get into that industry, so that's just another fantasy for me, at this point.

 

I've watched so many people come in and out of my life that have SOMETHING that drives them and gives their life meaning. I've seen countless people that are younger than me work through college, find entry level career opportunities, work their way up into a cool job, have a social life, date, and get married. I've seen so many people accomplish more in the last five or six years than I've accomplished in my entire life.

 

My thing is, I just feel completely and utterly "lost" and "aimless". I've tried looking at and considering new hobbies and pastimes, but nothing ever "gels" and sticks with me. I tried doing volunteer work in the past, but I hated it and it wasn't for me. Besides what I've already gotten, there's no other career or profession I have an interest or affinity in to return to school for. I lack the skills and abilities to do anything more than menial "high school" level jobs. Having friendships and especially dating are pretty much an impossibility for me, so I've pretty much written that off by now.

 

I feel so incredibly "empty", and so utterly disappointed in myself for being the way I am. And I really don't know what to do.

 

I realize I post a lot, and it's often about the same stuff, again and again, but really, at one point or another, I've already tried many of the more "meaningful" suggestions and advice people have to offer, in the past. I may not "document" it internally enough to be able to provide specific examples upon request, but it's not like I've spent my whole life doing absolutely nothing and being unwilling to do anything, and being upset about not "getting things handed to me".

 

I've spent my entire life around people, from grade school, to high school, to college, to colleagues from work, and I've tried so many times to connect, and it's always been unsuccessful. I've spent the last several years pursuing my education, I've spent the last several years looking for and applying for opportunities that could get me into my career field of choice, or anything that I could do that would be more meaningful than what I do now, and it's always been unsuccessful. I've done a lot of "soul searching" to try to find SOMETHING to give my life meaning and purpose, but I've found nothing.

 

I understand that I come off as difficult and unwilling around here, but again, that's because I've tried every reasonable thing that should work for any normal human being, at some point or another in my life, and it's all been a total bust. What is someone like me supposed to do? How does someone like me not feel miserable and unhappy and unfulfilled 24/7?

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are feeling the way you are. You are not being unwilling and difficult at all. The way you are feeling is the way depression can make you feel. Being a sufferer myself, I know how it does feel. I know you've probably tried to seek therapy or seen your doc but please think about that again, maybe see a different doc. Sometimes a new person looking at the situation with you can make all the difference.

 

Life can be difficult. Have you got some kind of internal clock in your head that is telling you if you haven't achieved everything by now then something must be wrong? I appreciate you mention lack of goals and interests, but it also strikes me that you may be putting pressure on yourself. If you imagine for a moment that that clock can be thrown away and that you still have lots of time to achieve things that matter to you, that might help. It helped me recently anyway.

[Inflikted]

I don't necessarily feel any kind of internal clock, per se. It's not really about doing things by a certain time, really, I just feel like I have nothing to give me a reason to live, nothing to keep me moving forward. I feel like I'm never truly progressing through life.

 

I have nothing to show for my life. I've done nothing with my life, I've accomplished nothing, I have no connections, I have nothing to be proud of. I'm nothing, I'm a nobody, and I can't see a way out.

[spiderowl]

It might sound stupid to you but I do understand that feeling.

 

What was the passion you were interested in? Is there a way you could follow that up as a leisure activity until such time as something crops up?

 

Just wondering.

[Inflikted]

It might sound stupid to you but I do understand that feeling.

 

What was the passion you were interested in? Is there a way you could follow that up as a leisure activity until such time as something crops up?

 

Just wondering.

 

I like working with video. Primarily the editing of it. To an extent, I do do stuff with it as a hobby; the thing is, aside from not being able to afford a proper camera, I'm not an "idea" person. In other words, I like putting video together and assembling the final "package", but I wouldn't have any idea as to what to shoot on my own, or anything like that.

 

That said, I have a YouTube channel that I make some basic videos for, but it's frustrating because I get no views. I try to remind myself that it's more for me, but it's hard not to be disappointed when you put so much time and effort into making something, and it gets no appreciation from anyone. Building an audience is not my forte, unfortunately.

[spiderowl]

You know you are really hard on yourself. You say you lack the skills and abilities to do anything but a 'menial' job (your view that it's menial not mine) and yet you write incredibly well. Your description of how you are feeling is of a very high standard so it seems to me that your view of yourself is exceptionally critical and unjust. You denigrate your hobbies as if they are not important but they are important to you and would almost certainly be important to someone with similar interests.

 

It sounds like for some reason you feel you haven't been able to make (or form) connections with others. Why do you think that is? Sometimes people are just in difficult circumstances and find themselves alone. I have sisters and if I didn't I would have spent some very lonely times. It is a good question as to how does one form relationships that mean something and are supportive. It does take some effort I know. What do you think has contributed to you feeling unsupported in this way?

 

Have you investigated the possibility that you are depressed and/or tried any treatment or therapies? If not, this could be a way forward for you. You sound like a very talented person to me whose self-image is so critical that it is hindering you in your relationships. This could change with the right therapy.

Edited September 1, 2015 by spiderowl

[newmoon]

don't judge yourself, ever, against other people. just because someone has friends, or a good job, or a few kids, etc. it doesn't mean they are happy. i think of lot of people feel similar to you but don't voice it or dwell on it, they just keep going and see it as life. you need a friend. that's my only advice from what i read. no man is an island, and if you isolate yourself from all social connections you will continue to feel depressed. social connections - even if it's just one person - can help you see things clearer and not feel alone. it's through people that you can gain connections (perhaps into your desired field), you can get out and do things that might encourage happiness, etc. there is no reason you can't make a friend, even if it's just a coffee buddy at your job. take the time to just talk with someone at work, a co-worker or a person who comes in. you're obviously educated - your writing indicates that - and you have to help yourself through this. you won't find answers - or friends - on message boards. a live person and some interactions will help imo

[Inflikted]

You know you are really hard on yourself. You say you lack the skills and abilities to do anything but a 'menial' job (your view that it's menial not mine) and yet you write incredibly well. Your description of how you are feeling is of a very high standard so it seems to me that your view of yourself is exceptionally critical and unjust. You denigrate your hobbies as if they are not important but they are important to you and would almost certainly be important to someone with similar interests.

 

How does writing well help me in any kind of way, though? What can I really do with that?

 

As for my hobbies, eh... I fully realize that most people aren't really "attracted" to the things I occupy my time with. It's not really a huge deal to me. I have this weird... "thing" with my interests, because I never really feel like anyone with similar interests is on the same page as me with it. They're either not as into it as me, or they're way more into it than I care for.

 

It sounds like for some reason you feel you haven't been able to make (or form) connections with others. Why do you think that is? Sometimes people are just in difficult circumstances and find themselves alone. I have sisters and if I didn't I would have spent some very lonely times. It is a good question as to how does one form relationships that mean something and are supportive. It does take some effort I know. What do you think has contributed to you feeling unsupported in this way?

 

I don't really know why that is. Well, let me correct myself. I simply can't grasp the concept of connecting with people even on a basic level. I'm not "nervous" or "anxious" or "intimidated" or "scared" or anything like that. I just... don't know how to connect. I really can't even have proper conversations with people or even just make small talk. I've never able to grasp the concept of connecting with someone. I've tried countless times throughout my life, but it forever feels too foreign to me. I just don't seem to "get it".

 

Have you investigated the possibility that you are depressed and/or tried any treatment or therapies? If not, this could be a way forward for you. You sound like a very talented person to me whose self-image is so critical that it is hindering you in your relationships. This could change with the right therapy.

 

I've tried therapy, but I just didn't feel it.

 

don't judge yourself, ever, against other people. just because someone has friends, or a good job, or a few kids, etc. it doesn't mean they are happy. i think of lot of people feel similar to you but don't voice it or dwell on it, they just keep going and see it as life.

 

I understand everyone has struggles and hardships and obstacles, but everyone seems to have something that gets them through, that keeps them going, that brings them happiness or satisfaction. I don't exactly believe anyone has " perfect lives " or anything silly like that. But people "do" things, they make progress, they have things that give them a reason to live.

 

you need a friend. that's my only advice from what i read. no man is an island, and if you isolate yourself from all social connections you will continue to feel depressed. social connections - even if it's just one person - can help you see things clearer and not feel alone. it's through people that you can gain connections (perhaps into your desired field), you can get out and do things that might encourage happiness, etc. there is no reason you can't make a friend, even if it's just a coffee buddy at your job. take the time to just talk with someone at work, a co-worker or a person who comes in. you're obviously educated - your writing indicates that - and you have to help yourself through this. you won't find answers - or friends - on message boards. a live person and some interactions will help imo

 

I think, of all the things I could have in my life, people are the least likely. I'll never have a friend. I'll certainly never date, fall in love, and know intimacy. I can't connect. I've tried over and over and over, and I'm no better at it than when I was a child.

 

I don't know how to bring myself happiness and satisfaction, but the one thing I do know for certain is that it will never involve people.

[thunder777]

reading this i sense high unmotivation, the worlds barely exciting, everythings just pointless

 

so your interest in yourself is minimal, they say boredom is a "choice"

 

maybe u need to look 6 months ahead and describe the dream version of yourself

 

such as, where youll live, where u work, the car youll have, the girlfriend/bf youll have, could u play sports or be coached in a gym class, or a personal trainer to get u up off your seat, maybe a study class, and your debts

 

find a new image of yourself and make small steps towards being that person

 

otherwise maybe take interest in others, help others out there instead of yoursel, maybe in a charity or become a carer

 

etc etc

[Inflikted]

reading this i sense high unmotivation, the worlds barely exciting, everythings just pointless

 

so your interest in yourself is minimal, they say boredom is a "choice"

 

maybe u need to look 6 months ahead and describe the dream version of yourself

 

such as, where youll live, where u work, the car youll have, the girlfriend/bf youll have, could u play sports or be coached in a gym class, or a personal trainer to get u up off your seat, maybe a study class, and your debts

 

find a new image of yourself and make small steps towards being that person

 

otherwise maybe take interest in others, help others out there instead of yoursel, maybe in a charity or become a carer

 

etc etc

 

Truth be told, I've been trying to "look ahead" and determine where I want to be in x amount of time for the last several years, now, and I never get there. I never get anywhere, really. I can never figure out how to get me there. I either can't figure out the "path" there, or the things I do end up falling apart, and in the end, nothing changes, and I'm still at square one.

 

I've had to stop "looking ahead", because all it does is set me up for massive disappointment. I end up getting my hopes up for something better for myself, but then I turn out to be too inept to get there, and then I just hate myself.

 

I'm not even really sure I know what I really want, or especially what will actually bring me pride and satisfaction. Nothing I try seems to do the trick. My previous "hopes and dreams" are not feasible for me. My only option is to find some alternative way to get my needs and desires met, but I haven't the slightest clue what that would be.

[Inflikted]

So I've known for a couple of months that the place I work would be closing down. Yesterday was the closing day, and me and three other coworkers are working the next few days to tear down the inside of the store, while the rest of our coworkers have moved to another store in the chain.

 

It's weird, because I'm not particularly close to any of my coworkers, and I don't like my job, and I've wanted to leave it for something new for a long time. I'm not "sad" about the whole thing. It's just... weird and unsettling to see the place I've worked for the last seven years get gutted (and to be one of the people doing the gutting). Even though I hated the job and wasn't really close with anyone, there's this odd... feeling I have, that I can't really describe. It just feels so weird for something that's been such a big part of my life for so long, whether I liked it or not, to change so suddenly. I had always hoped that when this chapter of my life closed, it would've closed differently. I always hoped I'd leave on my own terms, that I'd find something better and move on with my life, like the countless number of my peers I've seen over the years do.

 

I'm not out of a job, which I know is a "positive". I'll be moving to another store in the chain next week, myself. I'm not really looking forward to it, though. Aside from the fact that it's a much further drive for me, I just hate the idea of doing the same crap somewhere else, and having to get used to a bunch of new people and stuff.

 

I do have a job interview for something else later on this week, though. It's still fairly menial and "dead end", but it's not retail, and there's a lot of other little perks that make me hope I get that job, just to make my life a little bit easier.

 

In a not-so-related addition to that, I've been thinking a lot, over the last couple of months about the one and only girl I've ever had feelings for. We actually worked together, about three years ago. She was amazing, and we were so perfect for each other, but she wasn't into me that way, and when she found out I had feelings for her, I lost the friendship I had with her, and I ended up making her pretty much hate me and want nothing to do with me.

 

About two years ago, she got promoted and transferred to another store, and I've never seen her since. As creepy and "stalkery" as it is of me, I secretly look her up on social media every now and then to see how she is. Currently, she just got another promotion to an amazing job, and she has a guy in her life that she's madly in love with and will probably end up marrying. And I'm happy for her, but it pains me to know it couldn't have been me. I just can't get over the fact that the girl of my dreams was right there, and I wasn't good enough for her. That just might be the worst feeling I've ever had to experience.

 

So, my life is "forcefully" changing, which one could consider a good thing. Obviously, I do need "change". But will it be "good" change? Will it be "enough"? If I just end up at another store, doing the same crap I've been doing for the last seven years, I don't really see what a slight change of scenery will do. Maybe I'll get this other job I have an interview for, though whether that would be enough for me to feel happy and satisfied with my life, I don't really know. "Menial" work is still "menial" work, even if it's not retail. I wish I could be doing something that I really felt strongly about, that I could make a proud career out of, but that's not really in my control, unfortunately.