got lost somewhere along the way

[alreadysomeones]

hi folks. i'm not sure what i'm looking for and i already know this post is going to be way too long... but i need help? or i need a friend? or i just need a new brain...?

 

i'm in a good, 10-year marriage with a man i love and desire physically, intellectually, and emotionally. we have two amazing young kids. some things were messed up early on in our relationship which we never really healed from and we've made stupid (though joint) mistakes since, some pretty recently. but we always communicate and find a way to be whatever it is we are. but it's not all peachy, and he (in a very tight nutshell) doubts whether i am really a part of our relationship or even capable of being part. he's a very independent, strong-willed, entirely honest and rational black-or-white kind of person and i'm 17,000 shades of grey.

 

that's a brief back story to try to share where i am at, which is basically lost. working professional mom, head-of-household, young kids, grad school, freelance side work, gym dedication, and occasional social life leaves me without any time to "BE" a person or know what i think, what i want, how i feel. i run on auto-pilot 99.9% of the time... and i'm, sadly, fine with that. but 1) i don't want to be fine with that, 2) he's not fine with that, 3) i don't want to be a passive example of a woman for my children. the easy answer looks like "scale back on your commitments" and "find time for yourself" which is great advice, however impractical, but it's also not getting at the real problem, which is that i can't even find my voice, let alone hear it. do i still have one?

 

hubby is always telling me to have an opinion, assert myself. what do i want? my instinctual answer is "whatever you want." i have so deeply buried myself under everyone else that my first thought, even my thought before i know i am thinking, is to think about whatever is best for the other party involved. wtf kind of a life is that? and am i ok with it? what does it mean if i am?

 

i feel like i need a monitor in my head, or to be audited or something, to be held accountable somehow for these thoughts of defaulting to non-action or submission, because i do it CONSTANTLY.

 

i mentioned he feels like i'm not part of us, that i don't express enough independence to be a true partner, and wants me to either step up to him and be an equal or accept that i should find someone who wants a go-with-the-flow wife. tied up very complicatedly with this is his idea that if i meet other guys it will help me understand how i feel (because i am so wrapped up in our life and him that i can't see the reality of the situation or my own behavior).

 

i have a huge situation in front of me that requires a definitive decision which will produce definitive consequences. i have a sort of ultimatum: "shop around" and try to see what i really think about my life, or tell him no because i already know. i do already know that i want him and no one else, but stuck or lost as i am in my head and with him and the kids so loudly in there shouting over me, i haven't been able to assert my feelings as a real person naturally should. if i tell him no (without the accompanying independent spirit to back it) he will leave, because he doesn't want to go on feeling like the leader instead of a partner. if i do it and still feel the same about him, again i need the independence to prove i'm not just being stubborn. if i do it and find out i like other people as much as him, that's a simpler set of consequences and would be ok one way or another.

 

gods this is convoluted. how the f can i get these people out of my head and get ahold of who *I* am what *I* think/want/feel??? how does one seize independence when it has so long been ignored or shoved away?

 

i think if i can be and he can see me as an independent person with genuine opinions then the problems we have in our relationship, which are basically all secondary to this, would ease up significantly.

 

i feel very lame, like i am failing. but don't comfort me - i don't need that. i need real work to happen in myself i just don't know how to do it.

[StalwartMind]

This is actually an interesting but also honest post/question. I don't think I can give you an answer that will do your situation any justice, because I would personally be wanting more information to better assess the entire situation. With that said I'll share my view in no particular order of priority, but rather just for something you can reflect upon. There may be nothing at all to be gained from my reply, however there is also the chance some of it can aid you or at least give you a different perspective on things that will ultimately send you on a different path. In case it leads to a crash course much like the Titanic I'm afraid I can't be held responsible as it is ultimately your choice to act upon anything you do or do not. Happy we got that TOS agreement out of the way, before you engage further into this reply.

 

On a serious note, I am wondering this, regardless of any personal desire to actually better discover yourself. Are you "happy" with your current life and the way you are, minus the non peachy part with your husband being dissatisfied and doubting you? I believe a lot of people with many things they do daily are on pure auto-pilot, including your husband. The only time we don't do things instinctively in passive interpretation mode, is when we are confronted with new events which we aren't used to or don't know how to approach. It is entirely possible that some people will almost resemble a robot with repeated and predictable behavior. Is this a bad thing though, well to some it may be and apparently your husband too. I can think of many other things that are a lot worse, especially if things are otherwise fine, but again as such we are all different.

 

With that said though I do think it's important everyone find time to truly discover themselves and what they want. Even so the truth is some people are perfectly content with this situation, like you said yourself too and even if that is far from my own personality, I don't even remotely find it sad you are so much on auto-pilot. In fact if anything, the way life is set up with what society expects from us, there isn't really much room or time to figure out who the heck you are. From birth to death, we are also given a recipe that needs to be followed, and many people blindly do so. There is nothing wrong with that, although being a curious person I question everyone and everything. Others just see themselves content with whatever they are given or told, and by all means that is fine too.

 

The biggest time problem when you have a family and you are far into a relationship is that, you can't just pull up all your tent poles and relocate elsewhere to completely discover all the things that tick inside of you. Well you can but, it would also mean you'd have to give up everything that is currently your daily day, just in order to really figure out what means the most to you. The difficult you face is that, you have been given a sort of ultimatum but you don't have the right conditions to face it. Can you make more time, sure we all can, but if you don't even have the faintest idea of where to start and what to do, then it can possibly become stressful.

 

A lot of people need counteraction of some sorts in relationships and if you are a go-with-the-flow person, then this can be seen as someone who doesn't have an opinion. This may or may not be the case but either way, some people really just are very receptive and can easily adapt to many different events and lifestyles too. Think of something random such as music. Are there types you dislike, and do you actually prefer some artists more than others? I can listen to and enjoy practically any genre although I sure have favorites too. Point being that some people truly just are a lot more easy to be around than others, it doesn't have to be a negative thing. Sometimes people go looking for problems where there are not, to me I would always question someone wanting to change someone if you otherwise are enjoying things and are fine. A lot of people enjoy being givers and pleasing, even if very healthy relationships have good reciprocation between the parts.

 

Perhaps you should consider writing down some feelings, goals, dreams desires, no matter how absurd or simple. The main reason being to find out more about yourself, don't mind if it is a realistic goal or not. You should even consider what you'd do with your life if you were alone, how would you fill your day with activities? There are endless amount of questions you could ask yourself. Are you open minded or very set in your way and belief? Do you have any creative spark or are you purely driven by what you are told by others?

 

I'm not sure why you feel like you are failing or being lame, perhaps you could put some better words on those exact thoughts. Everyone struggles with different things, relationships takes dives for all kind of reasons. The outcome of most things depend on the effort one put into it. How badly do you want things or are you indifferent to whatever happens. All these things can and should give you a better idea of who you are. I'm not going to throw any accusations around but his personality would conflict with many. The vast majority of things aren't just black and white, although many will believe so. To me this is a character flaw of someone who either doesn't care or want to believe that there are possibilities outside what his mind is capable of comprehending. A lot of things in our world is a matter of perspective, and if people started observing more and look at the views of others,then suddenly you'd realize that not everything is as simple as one may think. I say this without the intention to insult anyone who has the same view, but the truth is, everything we do is based on morals and opinions, even you have regardless of what others may think.

 

Everyone have different idea of what is valid effort, I don't have a problem with how anyone choose to live their life, it's their choice. I enjoy my life as it is and those around me appreciate it as well, I really don't care what others think, it has zero impact on my life or the enjoyment of it. Some people want their life and opinions be dictated by what others tell them to feel or think, again I have no problem with that, personally I like to decide and think for myself. As long as a person is pleasant, kind, compassionate, honest and loyal, then I would probably enjoy the company of said individual.

 

Hope you figure out the best solution to approach this dilemma of sorts you are in, no matter what you deserve to live life as you see fit, regardless of what those around you may think, demand or believe. It's your life, no one else so stand up for what you believe in and hopefully you'll find a better foothold in your life so that everyone works out for the better.

[alreadysomeones]

thanks, i appreciate the response.

 

there were a few things you said that really hit home with me, and you're right that his personality is tough for a lot of people. i think one of the reasons we work so well is that i am very open-minded and don't feel the need to constantly assert myself.

 

you said:

Are you "happy" with your current life and the way you are, minus the non peachy part with your husband being dissatisfied and doubting you?

...i love my life, the only part that is truly a source of frustration and disappointment is the fact that our relationship is fractured. i am not happy with my own acquired submissiveness, however, and my desire to change that is half of what is driving me. he's not trying to change me, he's pointing out what he sees as a problem in my behavior (if we are to remain together) and i agree with him. if i didn't, if i were happy with myself 100% as i am, this would be irrelevant and we could separate amicably.

 

The difficult you face is that, you have been given a sort of ultimatum but you don't have the right conditions to face it.

...that is exactly how i feel. how can i begin to address "my" issues given the rest of my commitments and my emotional attachment to them?

 

I'm not sure why you feel like you are failing or being lame, perhaps you could put some better words on those exact thoughts.

...that would probably be a very useful exercise for me. Thanks.