need peoples perspective on an incident-sweat lodge long

[thegirlinquestion]

a LDR for 4 years. on and off a few times. she is a spiritual person, I am a bit but dont act upon it. much less than her. wanting learn and experience with her.

 

she goes to shamens gets healing sessions here and there and recently a new thing for her (and me obviously) sweat lodge.

Sweat lodge - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

she went a month before, first time. she offered we go together. it will help to bond.I love her and dont find interest in (other spiritual things, yes, but after hearing about the details I was very hesitant) it but would do it with her because I love her and want to experience what I can with her. so came to bond with her.

 

I have potential for bad panic attacks, I have asthma, and claustorphobia will kick in after this. I sleep woith the lights on by myself. at her house I can sleep in the dark. the heat of the event is no issue at all for me. and the sweating part I welcome as I bodybuild and I enjoy sweating and as much as I can.

 

it was new to me. I had heard from her there was a couple there the first time. she said the male was hesitant because he was asmathic. I said whats the big deal. take your inhaler and go in. but I didnt realize the situation there. I had no proper info and answers to questions. it is a closed tent. low 3 foot ceiling. NOT a teepee, with a vent on top, theres no ventilation. they place hot stones inside, put some "medicine" on it and water for steam. 4 rounds earth air wind fire. 30 minute at a time. the stones are heated in a wood bonfire. there is still sut on thes stones. there is satill some smoke in the tent. I can squat 320lbs and sweat like crazy and bear heat with no issue, but I cant be without oxygen or handle smoke or a tight space.

 

we were 25 male female. about 50/50 the all single except 2 couples vast majority aged 20-25.were 35-45 range. we put a small rug inside for me and her so not to sit completely on the ground. women go in first. you strip to your underwear. women wore bikins sport tops/shorts. men go in after. you sit around the edge of the tent. it was overloaded. youre tight close to one another. women one side, men another. im on the middle line with my lady with me. I come sit near her and she gets restless. its going down. its intense as hell. she says "wait I need my space" and that to me sends me in a frenzy.its dark inside. my mind and heart is working 300%. this is at night. 9pm. a few more to enter. no more space a guy sits in front of us and "blocks" my vision to the door. the way she said space triggers an overload for me. shes distancing herself. I start hyperventilating. I need support but I isolate my mind from everyone. she touches me and says let me help. I feel suffocation kicking in. I dont want to let her down, myself, or the group but im already sweating and after 30 seconds later or so I tell her I wont make it. she says then go. its ok. I tell the leader "simon im sorry, this is not for me" I get up and go. I saw her face of disappointment. but I would pass out in there. this would lead to me passing out.

 

 

later on. about 2.5 hours later. the women come out first. a few come out topless. people coming out covered in dirt from lying on the floor. trying to cope with the event and finding someway of breathing so slowing yourself down and almost in a light sleep is what many do.

 

I felt uncomfortable with topless women around me. a man who doesnt enjoy women topless around him, right? every man (I think) likes seeing naked women. I felt uncomfortable for a few reasons. I didnt want to look so as I saw it I turned. I didnt want my lady being upset that I was looking wwhich is out of respect to her. didnt want to create ban tension. but mostly I didnt like the sexual tension that there was there and I sensed it was there. single young guys and girls changing clothes, stripped to the bear minimum. in the tent toegtehr and who the hell knows what goes inside. I dont think intercourse but possible touching/groping. I dont know though. but also saw guys gawking at my lady. and women were also looking at me but I thought the whole situation was inappropriate.

 

I noted the topless girls to here and she saw I was not looking. I did look but for s plit second. when they exited the tent it was fast and unexpected and changing out in the open was as well.

men in underwear and women part topless or in bikini sweating dark, evening, just seems to some sexual tension I didnt like.

 

were driving home and she sees im flustered with the whole situation. I come out bad no matter what I say. her pov- I have sexuality issues because it stresses me to see tits and dont know how to react. or she downplays it so women are toplless or so what the men gawk or so what the women looked at you. so what. big deal. or tries it the other way around saying it bothers me cause I cant look, or that I was looking. I come out bad no matter what. she denys looking and she says I dont care cause im here with you. she keeps defending herself saying she was appropriately dressed. I reassured her that isnt the issue at all. that she was dressed just fine. I just didnt like the whole feel of the situation.

im just wondering if youd let your partner go to something like this? im certain those who have gone to nude beaches or coed saunas wont have an issue. I also have a problem with hippies because they are very easy to get to bed with. but im noting this is with those ive been with.

 

there is also some hypocrisy. im a wedding photographer by profession. if she would have her way she would not want me to continue it. she suspicious of me all the time. thinks I flirt and talk up women all the time and take women to the bathroom for a "good" time. this simply isnt the case. I dont project it and I dont talk much at all at weddings.

 

Im shooting a lot. I call her all the time during the wedding, I even send her clips of the ceremony and tell her how much I love her and care. if I was screwing around I wouldnt have time for her and I would tell her im busy. but I reassure her all the time im loyal and devoted and committed to her. shes so blind to see.

 

 

this is not a troll post but I didnt sleep well at night from this. the panic attack. the image of what it looked inside the tent. everything closing in, the smoke. then the tension afterwards. would like to hear your POV please.

 

thank you for your time.

[CarrieT]

I have been to sweat lodges. And based on the information you provided here:

I have potential for bad panic attacks, I have asthma, and claustorphobia will kick in after this. I sleep woith the lights on by myself. at her house I can sleep in the dark.

There is NO WAY IN THE WORLD I would have suggested you go into a lodge.

 

And the people who sponsored this lodge should be ashamed of themselves if they didn't warn you against going in.

 

A sweat lodge is NOT for people with panic attacks and claustrophobia. It is not about a sexual adventure. It is a single, solitary rite of spiritual passage and if you are not a spiritual person, it is not for you. That you went trying to impress a girl was wrong. If these people are doing it within the confines of a sexual adventure, they are horrifically misguided.

 

I am sorry you had such a horrible experience, but I think you should distance yourself from this girl.

 

It is obvious you two are on different paths.

[thegirlinquestion]

just want to add some things

 

-the scene can be similar to the beach. there I dont have an issue of guys looking at my lady. i compliment her ALL the time. tell her how hot she is. I also tell her how guys look at her. but there was a different sexual tnesion there that borderlines to sweaty group orgies.

 

-there is a double standard here. she doesnt like me shooting wedding for a profession and gives me hell as shes suspicious all the time. it stressed a recent work relationship I had with a female photographer and it was nightmare as she thought I was sexual with her. I never touched her, never slept, I hardly even spoke to her besides shooting. it was the same with another female photographer I worked with who she I was messing with as well. my ex wife cheated on me when I was shooting weddings at night so I know what cheating is. I reassured her I would never betray her like that. its a horrible thing to go to.

 

and of course in weddings we all strip to out underwear and gotot the bathroom and screw and get BJ

 

but its no big deal in her eyes the situation at the sweat lodge. and theres no connection between the two in her eyes. she says I ruined the good feel she had from the event. well shes ruined so many workouts of mine with bombardments of sms, well were even.

 

she says she hates those who work the in nightlife jobs. bars dance clubs and such. she knows im a kick ass photog and thats because I work. I shoot, I put effort. I dont mingle. I shoot a lot in sniper mode so have little interaction with people. shes blind.

 

I never controlled her and never told her not to do something ecause I didnt like it. in the past ive gone on a spiritual even with her and it was wonderful. this was not like that one. i was in a nonstop nightmare of group sex and suffocation all night. im still trying to collect my thoughts.

Edited May 29, 2015 by thegirlinquestion

[thegirlinquestion]

I have been to sweat lodges. And based on the information you provided here:

 

There is NO WAY IN THE WORLD I would have suggested you go into a lodge.

I did it because Im crazy in love with her (shes not a girl) were 4 years together. Im moving to her city soon. our relationship is serious (with issues obviously)

she offered we do it together and I didnt do it to impress. I had fear and she knew it and she tried to releive my anxieyty and concerns but not enough. personally If it was the other way around I would say to her sweetheart, come with me, but be with me outside. its too stressful for you. it pissed me off a bit. because she mentioned it a few times that we should do it. and after hesititation and wanting to share experiences with her, I said yes. I tried to psych myself up. but there was no though of trying to impress. I told her I dont really want to do it but because I love you and do want to bond and be closer to you I will do it. but I had fear and hesitation. I can handle heat no issue ( I ride a scooter with a full face helmet in blisterning heat for years) and even the darkness, being with her,but not the smoke and she said to me a few times she had hard times breathjing. so that frightened me. but yet I wanted to bond with her.

And the people who sponsored this lodge should be ashamed of themselves if they didn't warn you against going in.

 

the leader who spoke, said very little and I had a shet load of questions and concerns and none was answered. I never saw a situation like that in my life. I was in panic mode before going in and no one gave a shet to alleviate any of my concerns. "flow" with it is their mindset. they should be shamed. and im upset with my lady as well. I wonder if I would recommend something she do with me if she was scared of it. life threatening. to me it was a real threat. wth asthma and panic attacks. disregard and disrespectful. and even being inside and she told me I need my space when I need support to try and make it through shot me straight down. I have tons of emotions from betrayel to letting down to being let down to emasculation to frustration to disgust. and no sympathy from her side. not a drop as I think she was very selfish here. she would not do for me what im willing to do for her.

A sweat lodge is NOT for people with panic attacks and claustrophobia. It is not about a sexual adventure. It is a single, solitary rite of spiritual passage and if you are not a spiritual person, it is not for you. That you went trying to impress a girl was wrong. If these people are doing it within the confines of a sexual adventure, they are horrifically misguided.

 

not everyone who is spiritual would agree to something as intense as sweat lodge. so I am spiritual, a newbie I guess. my last GF was an high level astrologist who read palms numerolgy and would go to group gatherings "The 4th Way - Gurdjieff-Ouspensky" so I know spirituality. I dont practice it but im learning. willing to.

 

also there was nothing sexual there but I dont know what the hell goes oon in the tent besides chants and drum playing.

I am sorry you had such a horrible experience, but I think you should distance yourself from this girl.

 

easy to say, but I cant. Im in too deep. its not an option.

Edited May 29, 2015 by thegirlinquestion

[GoBlue]

I am not sure what to make of the whole sweat lodge thing and the double standard you indicate. I do know, however, that if you and this particular woman plan on getting married there are some things that need to be worked out. Couples in today's world are even investing in pre-engagement counseling. Sitting down with a professional and walking through some things could help a lot. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[thegirlinquestion]

I am not sure what to make of the whole sweat lodge thing and the double standard you indicate. I do know, however, that if you and this particular woman plan on getting married there are some things that need to be worked out. Couples in today's world are even investing in pre-engagement counseling. Sitting down with a professional and walking through some things could help a lot. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

the relationship is not 100% committed/invested 50/50. marriage would be later. Im not going to move in with her. get an apartment in her city. I never brought up moving together but she doesnt want that. im not certain its the right time for that as well.

 

spoke to my mom yesterday to get a females POV. weve had many discussions and she knows my situation with this woman. long history of on and off. she is a difficult person to understand. she thought the incident was innapropriate because it was awkward with the unclothed people but also that she knows of your situation and she wasnt attentive to your needs.

 

my problem is that im so lost in love that I have lost myself. I am no longer priority. my world is around her and her needs. I feel like a dog many times. I dont get back but all my thoughts are how to please her.

 

after the sweat lodge I wont home with another image of her and I see her in a different light. she is disrespectful to me in many ways. she says very nasty words and I accept it and sweep it away. so much I want to say but trying to keep it at minimum.

[CarrieT]

Frankly, she sounds toxic.

 

At some point, you will come out of the fog and have the strength to leave her.

[TaraMaiden2]

....

easy to say, but I cant. Im in too deep. its not an option.

 

Sorry dearest, but this is rubbish. Of course it's an option. Based on your discomfort, anxiety and general experience, it's an important and extremely valid option.

 

This relationship sounds like you're giving an awful lot more than you are getting.

 

People have endured toxic, harmful and potentially life-threatening relationships before, and have walked away. You really need to sit down and evaluate whether this relationship is truly as good for you as it should be. From this side of the screen, I think it's quite obvious.

[thegirlinquestion]

im very rationale and not in denial and I see whats going on. to what must be done is, thats a very difficult situation I most likely will see my self in a very bad situation. either in a mental hospital or 6 feet under. I should have never felt so deeply in love. I understand why people dont want to be so devoted to another.

[GoldieLox]

I have also been in sweat lodges many times, and I agree with what CarrieT said. The ones I have been in were run by the same women every time, and they always asked anyone if they were sensitive to the dark, claustrophobia, heat, or had panic attacks. I'm mildly sensitive to two out of the four, but I enjoy the ceremony and find it cleansing. Just because someone can't tolerate it, doesn't make them any weaker than anyone else. I've witnessed many people leave halfway through. The fact that your girlfriend acted upset and disappointed that you did not finish the ceremony is really concerning. This is your HEALTH we're talking about here, physical and mental. I also think there's some much deeper issues here on both of your parts.

 

Do not let this girl land you in a mental hospital. Nobody is worth that, I'm sorry. Get yourself some individual counseling. You may begin to see things from a different perspective then.

[thegirlinquestion]

I have also been in sweat lodges many times, and I agree with what CarrieT said. The ones I have been in were run by the same women every time, and they always asked anyone if they were sensitive to the dark, claustrophobia, heat, or had panic attacks. I'm mildly sensitive to two out of the four, but I enjoy the ceremony and find it cleansing. Just because someone can't tolerate it, doesn't make them any weaker than anyone else. I've witnessed many people leave halfway through. The fact that your girlfriend acted upset and disappointed that you did not finish the ceremony is really concerning. This is your HEALTH we're talking about here, physical and mental. I also think there's some much deeper issues here on both of your parts.

 

Do not let this girl land you in a mental hospital. Nobody is worth that, I'm sorry. Get yourself some individual counseling. You may begin to see things from a different perspective then.

 

hi Goldie. its run by a couple (30 ish YO) that have been doing it for 5 years. she said he (husband) will explain then well ask him your question. he spoke. but he is not a good speaker. he doesnt explain properly. he explained the history abit but not anything for newcomers that would alleviate any concerns. I never saw what the tent even is till that night. I asked one question. why does it have to be so low. it makes it more stressing since I can never stand up which will bring claustrophobia. I went in and it was inevitable I would fail with all the stress and anxiety I had without know what will be. I didnt even see the inside of the tent till they called the men. I just have a whirlwind of emotions in me.

 

I dont believe I wrote she was upset at me. it was the opposite. the first round she lifted the side of the tent wall and called for me. I came over and I said im sorry (later on I felt the opposite ALSO...that I was let down) I let you down. and she said no I didnt. its no problem.

 

we have a lot of issues. its obvious. we both have childhood issues.

Edited May 31, 2015 by thegirlinquestion

[GoldieLox]

I get up and go. I saw her face of disappointment.

 

Sorry, I inferred this to mean she was upset with you. Regardless, she still has no right to be disappointed. Sweat lodges are extremely intense, as you now know. Definitely not for everyone. I had to bow out my first few times halfway though, as well.