Haerts Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I've been just thinking about something lately. Men only go in two categories for me: too hot or too ugly. If I consider them too hot, then I don't think I'm good enough and even if I get a chance to go out with them, I'll always be insecure thinking they deserve someone hotter. However, if the opposite occurs, I'll keep thinking I should look for someone better looking. Both has happened numerous times and I don't remember the last time (if there was, even) I considered someone a good fit for me. I'm aware people here may judge me for what I'm saying, but that's just how I am and if I'm posting under the self-improvement section, then it's because I want to know if there are more people like me and if there's a way I can get better at it, like how can I start looking in the inside, and not focusing as much on the outside? That would certainly make me feel more comfortable around handsome guys and less unmotivated/uninterested when I'm with a guy that is not that attractive. Any help? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I've been just thinking about something lately. Men only go in two categories for me: too hot or too ugly. If I consider them too hot, then I don't think I'm good enough and even if I get a chance to go out with them, I'll always be insecure thinking they deserve someone hotter. However, if the opposite occurs, I'll keep thinking I should look for someone better looking. Both has happened numerous times and I don't remember the last time (if there was, even) I considered someone a good fit for me. I'm aware people here may judge me for what I'm saying, but that's just how I am and if I'm posting under the self-improvement section, then it's because I want to know if there are more people like me and if there's a way I can get better at it, like how can I start looking in the inside, and not focusing as much on the outside? That would certainly make me feel more comfortable around handsome guys and less unmotivated/uninterested when I'm with a guy that is not that attractive. Any help? i operate the same, you're not alone. but... focusing on the inside? i only end up doing that because the guy falls into the "not hot" category, so it doesn't really solve much :-) and it leaves me just as miserable because he's still ugly. some people are particularly looks-oriented and i've come to the conclusion that i'm one of them, and i'm ok with that. i need a partner who excites me through attraction, and it's not like the guy has to be anyone's version of "hot" but mine. i've done the "focus on the inside" thing and given quite ugly (but really nice men) a chance, and it wasn't for me - i felt like i was forcing myself to be with someone i didn't really find attractive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 It's an excuse to always find a fault with people. You need to look into why you are scared of being involved with others. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haerts Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 i operate the same, you're not alone. but... focusing on the inside? i only end up doing that because the guy falls into the "not hot" category, so it doesn't really solve much :-) and it leaves me just as miserable because he's still ugly. some people are particularly looks-oriented and i've come to the conclusion that i'm one of them, and i'm ok with that. i need a partner who excites me through attraction, and it's not like the guy has to be anyone's version of "hot" but mine. i've done the "focus on the inside" thing and given quite ugly (but really nice men) a chance, and it wasn't for me - i felt like i was forcing myself to be with someone i didn't really find attractive. I'm exactly the same and I've tried that too; the most romantic, cute and nice guy I've been with is also one of the least attractive ones. It didn't last long enough. :/ And Emilia, I have absolutely no idea why that happens, but you're right and my best friend always says that all the time. It's still curious to me though how there's never a mid-term. If he is of my taste, then I put him under God-status, as in I can never get there or be good enough for him. If he is not, then I put myself under God-status believing I deserve better. It sounds so immature to think this way, especially when it comes down to appearance, but I don't know how to change it, though I'd love to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 It's an excuse to always find a fault with people. You need to look into why you are scared of being involved with others. And examine your self-esteem. If you're with a "hot guy", believe that he's with you because of you! Your personality, your kindness, your (fill in the blank). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I find that the way I perceive a guy's looks changes depending on how much I like him. If I meet a guy who doesn't ring my bells, but I connect really well with him, I'll forget that initial impression and start to think how good looking he is. Then I'll start to think of his little physical flaws as the adorable quirks that make him him. On the other hand, a hot guy who just doesn't do it for me will be difficult to think of as hot. I'll admire him from a distance, but up close and personal, his looks will lose the attraction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 On the other hand, a hot guy who just doesn't do it for me will be difficult to think of as hot. I'll admire him from a distance, but up close and personal, his looks will lose the attraction. I have found this to be true especially if the guy turns out to be a jerk. I've met a few hot guys who turned out go be grade-A you-know-whats, and now when I see them, I'm just repulsed by everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Did you grow up in a stable family, OP? Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I find that the way I perceive a guy's looks changes depending on how much I like him. If I meet a guy who doesn't ring my bells, but I connect really well with him, I'll forget that initial impression and start to think how good looking he is. Then I'll start to think of his little physical flaws as the adorable quirks that make him him. On the other hand, a hot guy who just doesn't do it for me will be difficult to think of as hot. I'll admire him from a distance, but up close and personal, his looks will lose the attraction. Same for me with women. They get more and more attractive the more we click. Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Thread bookmarked for the next time someone tries to say men are more visual. Everyone is visual, it's part of our nature. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 I'm exactly the same and I've tried that too; the most romantic, cute and nice guy I've been with is also one of the least attractive ones. It didn't last long enough. :/ And Emilia, I have absolutely no idea why that happens, but you're right and my best friend always says that all the time. It's still curious to me though how there's never a mid-term. If he is of my taste, then I put him under God-status, as in I can never get there or be good enough for him. If he is not, then I put myself under God-status believing I deserve better. It sounds so immature to think this way, especially when it comes down to appearance, but I don't know how to change it, though I'd love to. i don't think you have to change it or that you even have to apologize for it. it's who you are and you shouldn't feel bad about focusing on what you need to make yourself happy. i have found that when i am very attracted to someone (physically) it allows my better side to come out - i'm more outgoing, more positive towards them, happier, excited to be with them, etc. and if that attraction is missing then i'm less myself, and less happy. there is no reason to change - just look for a guy who excites you from the outside but also has the nice-guy factor and treats you well. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Its probably less about you and more about those men. Ever noticed those couples... the hot chick and the ugly guy, and you wonder how he did it? Well i for one have been paying attention, and those guys have other qualities other than looks that make them attractive. Usually they will be outgoing, friendly, confident, energetic and into sports, other outdoor activities, art, music and causes like Greenpeace or something like that, women just love it. Even as a guy i have met physically less attractive women, but their attitude has made them seem far more attractive to me than i would have thought possible. Attitude attitude attitude!! Link to post Share on other sites
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