''Work on yourself after a breakup''

[Lizrd3000]

What does this really mean? ''NC is time for yourself to heal and grow''.

 

 

For me, I just interpret it as work out hard and long as f*ck, eat well, sleep well, and do things well in general.

 

 

But what does it mean for others? Or what is the true definition of this?

[Satu]

"Work on yourself" means bringing yourself to your full potential as a human being.

 

It's a good thing to do at any time.

 

It doesn't require a breakup.

[SycamoreCircle]

I generally get sore at this advice.

 

I think it stemmed from reading so many posts during my BU of people advising guys to hit the weights after being dumped. Well, I was hitting the weights before being dumped.

 

What I didn't like was it seemed to insinuate that if you were a better version of yourself, maybe this wouldn't have happened. It also seemed to buy into some notion of progress.

 

Bunk.

 

Much more helpful to me, as evidenced by my signature, were the writings of Lao Tzu. That whole...be what you are. It really helped ease my spirit.

You're going to have to eat the sh;t sandwich. You're going to have to work through the pain. You can do that taking a walk or reinventing yourself---it's up to you. I just think the latter screams the insecurity of our age.

[Lizrd3000]

"Work on yourself" means bringing yourself to your full potential as a human being.

 

It's a good thing to do at any time.

 

It doesn't require a breakup.

 

 

Thanks Satu, you're right.

 

 

I was looking for something that'd maybe shed some light on what I should add in my goals.

 

 

But to be honest, I don't know what would make me reach my full potential. I don't really have any hobbies beside working out. I do absoulutely love the band ''Breaking Benjamin'', but that's the only thing I can really think of loving so much. But there's nothing I can really do with that except listening to them 24/7, which I already am for years. lol.

 

 

Thanks.

[joseb]

Well, I was hitting the weights before being dumped.

 

What I didn't like was it seemed to insinuate that if you were a better version of yourself, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

 

I never thought of it like this at all. But I guess I can see why someone might.

Exercise in general is a great way of improving mood, which is why I'd always suggest it to someone if they were not doing it already.

For you, as you already were hitting the weights, then it would mean doing something else. Like reading Taoist writings. Perfect.

 

Others it might mean starting yoga, running a marathon, learning a language, picking up the guitar.

Exploring issues from childhood that may be holding them back.

Honestly looking at what you want in life and relationships.

Reconnecting with old friends you have lost contact with. Making new ones.

Taking time to travel. Writing. Learning to eat well. Studying to improve your career.

 

The great thing about being single is that now you have a lot more time to devote to things like this.

Edited May 27, 2015 by joseb

[Eighty_nine]

i think that phrase 'work on yourself' is overused and ambiguous. it doesn't offer REAL advice, to me.

 

and it could mean a trillion different things, which is why it's not very helpful. could mean education-fitness-adventure-connecting with friends-spending more time alone and on and on and on.

 

my last breakup was with an emotionally stunted, unavailable person. (which i now have 100% confirmed, as he did the SAME stuff to the next girl). I broke up with him and cut ties because I couldn't take it anymore, but I was devastated about losing him.

 

so what I did after that was read as many books, blogs, experiences about what 'unavailable' men are like, and how to deal with them, as possible. i learned why they're that way, warning signs of this, WHY i am attracted to them (this part was very helpful), how to manage their presence in my life, etc. This was VERY helpful to me, however I don't think anyone on this board would've considered this a good idea-- it would sound like ruminating, obsessing over the breakup. But I feel like the immense amount of reading I did to understand what I had been through was the ONLY thing that got me through that first month.

 

I guess my point is... this advice is so generic, that we'd be better off really listening to individual situations and providing more specific advice about what might help- and stop saying "work on yourself."

[GoldieLox]

"Work on yourself" means bringing yourself to your full potential as a human being.

 

It's a good thing to do at any time.

 

It doesn't require a breakup.

 

This.... because when it comes to a breakup, sometimes it really just wasn't your fault.

[joseb]

so what I did after that was read as many books, blogs, experiences about what 'unavailable' men are like, and how to deal with them, as possible. i learned why they're that way, warning signs of this, WHY i am attracted to them (this part was very helpful), how to manage their presence in my life, etc. This was VERY helpful to me, however I don't think anyone on this board would've considered this a good idea-- it would sound like ruminating, obsessing over the breakup

 

On the contrary, I think this is a great example of working on yourself.

 

Now if you spent the time constantly thinking about every conversation you two had, stalking him on social media or trying to "get under another guy to get over him" I'd say that that was a terrible idea. What you did was very smart.

[SpiralOut]

To me, the phrase "working on yourself" means taking time to figure out what bad habits you have that might be holding you back. After my last big breakup I spent a huge amount of time learning to be assertive and looking into my past to see why I put up with crap so easily from others. Even now that I'm in a new relationship I continue to work on myself.

 

 

I think it's more popular to do this after a breakup because you suddenly have extra time on your hands.

[gemo-opus]

depending on the issue at hand, you have to work through it and then come back again.

 

it's required to be healthy.

[Bubberfly]

I really took this saying to heart after my break up. I hadn't realized I "let myself go." By that, I mean, during (and getting closer to the end where I was in "try to save it" mode) our 6 year relationship I was spending so much emotional time focusing on "Him" and "Us" I really was lost.

My emotions were invested in the relationship and then all of a sudden they weren't. So who did my emotions belong to?

 

I had to "work on" reclaiming my emotions for "myself"

 

I just went hardcore, got my emotions back in order, worked on being less selfless and more selfish (one of my big problems, putting everyone before myself). As a result, I've completely changed my mindset, lifestyle (yep! Lost weight) and my attitude. I do it for me, I don't care what the next guy might think, I'm not changing for him.

 

 

So.

 

My 2 cents: work on yourself = take back your emotions you had invested in the relationship and bring them more inward. Give yourself love instead of this other person. I really don't think it implies that you're "broken" and need to "work on yourself to be better for the next person."

 

And I absolutely agree with SpiralOut. You got extra time on your hands! Use it to learn new things, change things about yourself you've always wanted to. You don't have a significant other around who may hinder your progress.

[compulsivedancer]

Like Bubberfly, I had to find myself again. I had been so molded by ten years with my ex that I wasn't sure who I was without him. The first things I had to do were find an apartment and furnish it. Then I had to replace my car.

 

This required me to reflect. I had to think about where I wanted to live, how much I was willing to pay, what things really reflected my needs and wants (vs his or our shared interests), etc. It had to do with lifestyle, too. For instance, I discovered that it was really important to me to live downtown, because I wanted to live in a cool place where I could walk, and I wanted to be part of revitalizing the area. In essence, I wanted to put my beliefs about life into practice.

 

I got a cat, which filled a huge gap in my life. He's not a baby, but he sure gave me something to love and take care of. And by God he's soft and fluffy!

 

I started writing poetry and hanging out with people when I wanted to. I've worked on cooking my own food and keeping a clean kitchen. I've embraced the part of me that just wants to dance, as well as the part that wants to watch tv.

 

I thought about what I wanted in a boyfriend and tried a few on for size. And was still pleasantly surprised to find a guy who is up for anything. And learned how great my tiny double bed is...so much better for intimacy than a king-sized bed made for minimum interaction.

 

I embraced my quirks...I totally take my cat for walks downtown and bring my camera along. He also visits my mom with me.

 

Unlike others, I've actually gained a little weight because I'm super content right now. I'll need to address that soon, but right now I'm focused on other things that make me happy. Perhaps the cooking will start to offset that.