Depressed

[Ashbash11]

The past few years I've been feeling more and more depressed. I haven't been officially diagnosed with anything, but I've had my share of therapy over the years. I won't re-hash my entire life story, but I will briefly explain:

 

I feel empty, lonely, and depressed most of the time, but on occasion, I feel bad enough that I want to kill myself. I don't have the courage to do it, but sometimes I wish I did, because I would. I've even researched ways to do it, and I found a company that will send you a "cocktail" of drugs that you can take in one shot and they will kill you in your sleep (the same drugs that are used in physician-assisted suicide...apparently if you pay enough, you can order them from this private company). I've tried many things to make myself "feel better"- changed jobs, got married, moved, tried new hobbies/to make new friends, gone to many therapists over the years (I'm 30 years old now). I have never taken medication because I've never been diagnosed or prescribed any. I'm also afraid of the side effects... I feel like my life has been a constant search for happiness, but I am unable to grasp it. I just have a feeling of emptiness inside of me that I fill with overeating, shopping, and other negative habits. I've tried to stop, but I can't. At least I'm not drinking/doing drugs/smoking.. but it's still destructive.

 

My life circumstances definitely contribute to my depression. I was physically and verbally abused as a child by my mother, and to this day, we still have a strained "love/hate" relationship. When I go to visit my parents, she insults me, calls me a "fat bitch", offers to take me to weight watchers, and constantly comments on how fat I am, and how I'm an awful person. As a child, I was called a "retard," "stupid" and told that I never had enough friends and was never good enough. As a result, I now have very low self-esteem as an adult. I constantly yearn and search for external validation from others. My favorite people are those who compliment me and affirm their love and affection for me as often as possible. This is why I love my husband so much. He constantly tells me how beautiful, smart, and "amazing" I am. But, even though he says these things so often, I still want more. I have an insatiable appetite for compliments that no one can ever fulfill. As you can imagine, this wreaks havoc on my friendships, and people end up disappearing or stop putting effort into the friendships because they get tired of my neediness and endless need for validation. I usually scare people away eventually.... I have a few friends from college who I'm still close to, but they live several states away and I don't see them often.

 

On top of this, I work a very stressful, difficult, and thankless job as a school psychologist. I take children's problems on as my own on a daily basis, and I never receive any recognition or ANY sort of interest from my colleagues (for example, people never ask me, "how was your vacation?" How's your husband?" No one cares enough to even ask me about my life). I am stuck doing this job for the next 10 years due to HUGE student loan debt that will be forgiven as part of the "Public Service Forgiveness". I feel stuck. I often have fantasies of running away- saving up money, selling most of my belongings, and buying a one-way flight somewhere. I've always wanted to live abroad and I love to travel. It's a definite passion. There are days when I feel so depressed that I feel that there is no other way out. My husband and I are both settled in our jobs, and I can't imagine that we would be able to move somewhere or make any major changes.

 

I know that I can't rely on anyone to make me happy, and I have to "find it within myself." But honestly, that isn't going to happen. When I've gone to therapy, it becomes just talking about life and it drags on and on... I have yet to find a therapist who can really get to the root of my problems and help me make some progress. I just feel stuck. I don't know what else to do. It's probably weird that I'm writing all of this to strangers on the internet, but maybe someone out there has a new perspective or a similar experience to share. Even if I am clinically depressed AND diagnosed, I don't think just popping medication is the answer. I'm also scared that what if I end up doing something drastic (like moving to another country) and then I'm still just as depressed? I can't escape myself, as they say.

[Els]

Ash!! I remember you from the LDR forums, and missed you. Welcome back.

 

I think that there are a few things you could work on to improve this situation:

 

1) See a professional (not a therapist, a psychologist) and explain the suicidal thoughts. Really. Those people are there to help you.

2) Stop visiting your mother if she is verbally abusing you. When the time comes and you have solved your depression and are in a better place, you can reopen the doors to her if you like.

3) Your job - what happens if you quit? Can you pay your student loan debt back any other way? In the meantime, take a one-week vacation and go somewhere. Even if it's a cheap vacation, you really need to clear your head a bit and think about things.

[Ashbash11]

Elswyth!! Hi! You helped me SO much with my LDR, and I'm forever grateful for you. I hope you're doing well.

 

Unfortunately, I'm at a bad place in my life right now... I've come back to LS for some guidance. I agree that I need to see someone. I'm working on that. RE: my mother, she and my dad always guilt trip me (I'm an only child) and say that if I don't visit them often enough, I will regret it because they are going to "die soon" (they're senior citizens- my mom is 69 and my dad is 72). I could quit my job, but I have to stay in "public service" for 10 more years in order to have the debt forgiven. It's a huge amount of debt, and if it doesn't get forgiven, I will have to pay it back for 30 years.

[Els]

Thanks, Ash. I'm doing quite well.

 

Your parents sound quite similar to mine, and I understand the guilt trip thing perfectly, unfortunately. However, there comes a time when you have to do what you need to do in order to live. I suggest an honest conversation, where you tell them that you are in a really bad place right now and your mother's sniping about your weight is making things worse for you. Give them a chance to change, but if they don't, you have to do what you need to do to pull through during this time.

 

Are there other public service options available to you that might be less stressful?

[StalwartMind]

That is quite a self-awareness captivity of sorts. I more than understand it's the vast minority of people who are capable of, or can change their life in drastic ways to improve it. Being committed to a career, child, family and so on are all reasons that prevent most people from even remotely consider a change of scenery. Despite that, I do still believe that within reason, we can all alter our life so it becomes more meaningful.

 

When you say you have to work off your student loan for the next 10 years, that doesn't exactly fill you with inspiration or excitement. Your life is kind of locked down, unless some fortunate event should happen that would remove that binding element from your life. I'm pretty sure that this is a contributing factor to your thoughts, stress and depression.

 

I don't think you can ignore your strongest desire and passion, because you will just end up feeling your life is and will be even more unfulfilled. Moving to another country, as exotic and perhaps just the thing you need, will still provide you with a different set of challenges. If you've traveled a bit and especially experienced normal day life, not just typical tourist traveling, in a foreign country, then you realize just how different places can be.

 

Depression can best be fought by accepting certain mental states that are uniquely relevant to each of us. I understand that you seek validation from others, but maybe the one you need it the most from is yourself. People are so incredibly different, which is rather fascinating and it is most certainly one of the reasons why we are/can be so interesting. If you asked yourself, how and what does my perfect world look like? What would be your answer, (You don't have to write here), do you even have one?

 

I believe that most would have a pretty good idea of how they envision their ideal world. It doesn't matter if it's an unrealistic vision, the point is to make you think, to let it run wild and really work your imagination. To me the answer is simple, although also complex of sorts. I can imagine many different scenarios that would be extremely fun, exciting and would make my life feel like it was worth living at the end of it. If you can find something that can fill you with that kind of joy by opening your mind, then you translate that into positiveness that will influence your life greatly.

 

Truthfully I don't know how my life will unfold, some things sure, but the rest is a big mystery. The more your life is set in stone, the less enthusiastic one probably is too at the prospect of things to come. Some may find most comfort in that exact setting, but others thrive under different circumstances. As I said at start, you do seem very self-aware, which is a positive thing, even the fact that you can admit and acknowledge your negative emotions. While they may not be considered "good" it's still a very positive ability to realize it.

 

There is every chance that all I wrote isn't of much use and/or won't help you much in tackling your situation differently. The optimist in me believe that almost anyone can change their life to something of greater meaning if they truly desire it. I do not advise anyone to make a decision that will put them in a worse spot than before, however if you are sensible then you should always try to exhaust every possibility of things that can advance and enrich your life as well as your own development.

 

We are all responsible for ourselves, no one else is, precisely like you said, you can't really rely on others to make you happy, however, that doesn't mean that you can't tailor your life to include a lot/or few people whom really can make those needs be even more fulfilled. There isn't any right or wrong way to live or think, in the end it's all a matter of our perception which is based on various things, typically those of socially accepted standards.

 

In addition to all of above I also want to say that you and anyone else who currently are around or have to deal with toxic/negative environments such as ones parents, you can't ever let such take too much a hold on your life. I know many will think family is family and it should make you be more tolerant to X,Y,Z behavior, but truthfully that is not the case nor a valid excuse. There isn't a good reason to be around any negative influence. Life is simply too short to deal with too much stress and people that have no desire to value us. Everyone have different thresholds of what they are willing to tolerate and while among one of your needs is to be complimented/validated, and it does take a great toll on some of your friends, there will be others who have an even greater limit.

 

All the best to you, at least it was good that you and Elswyth remembered each other.

[d0nnivain]

I can understand your frustration. I'm a little burned out on therapy too. I don't want to talk about it any more. I want some concrete suggestions on how to make it better.

 

Things that helped me were exercise & sunshine. I have a touch of SAD so everything is worse when it's cold & grey.

 

Sometimes affirmations can be helpful.

 

Just putting one foot in front of the other & savoring the smallest successes helps too.

[Ashbash11]

Stalwartmind-

Thank you for your very detailed and interesting post.. I've never had anyone reply quite like you did. I do agree with many of your points. I'm curious, have you ever felt depressed as I do now? I agree that the student loans do make me feel "trapped" in some way, and there is definitely a lack of excitement and inspiration in my life in general. I'm a creative person by nature, and I have a continuous need for adventure (which is why I love traveling SO much), but my current life does not tap into any of those traits. My job is pretty routine and monotonous a lot of the time, and I am living a "typical" American married life... there isn't much inspiration, passion or excitement in anything I do, and I don't know how to create that. Apparently, none of the many therapists I've seen do, either. I also wanted to mention that yes, I have indeed lived abroad- I lived in southern Germany, both in an international student house and with a host family and those were the best experiences of my life. I absolutely LOVED living abroad and learning about German culture. Traveling is the best teacher, in my opinion... do you think maybe I should switch careers to a job that involves more travel? At one point, I was looking into careers with US embassies abroad.

 

donnivain- I wholeheartedly agree with you. After a while, therapy to me becomes sort of stale.. I feel like my issues have been talked to death. I think Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is more of a goal-oriented therapy, have you tried that? Most of the therapists I've seen do "talk therapy," which hasn't been proven to actually improve people's problems. You know, it's torture to be a psychologist myself, because I know my issues and how unhealthy my thoughts are. Too much thinking about thinking.

[Ashbash11]

I wanted to add that I do in fact know what my "perfect world" would look like: I would have a busy and fulfilling social life with a group of close friends who reciprocate and put as much effort into the friendship as I do, who are caring/kind/trustworthy people. I would live with my husband, and I would work in a job that didn't feel like work- a job that taps into my passions and excitement for life, and hopefully that helps other people or animals in some way. I want a balanced, well-rounded life, with equal amounts of "work" and "play". And I want a healthy body and mind... Unfortunately, I have none of these things right now.

[StalwartMind]

I've not felt depression as you do now, however I've had someone close to me that struggled with very similar thoughts. Despite similarities I do recognize and feel every single situation needs to be handled independently. It's great with overall general advice, but no situation is really ever the same.

 

It is very likely that the way I think, act and interpret life and people in general, is quite different to the average person. I'm pretty forgiving with how anyone choose to live their life, it's their choice, but with that said I feel a "too" large amount of people see themselves content with complaining about things, instead of acting. Now just to be clear, I'm not accusing you of complaining, in my point is I don't complain much at all period, because if I feel unhappy with something I'll do everything in my power to change it. I've no intention to change others, as it should always be their choice in wanting to do so. I do however very much love the idea of opening up the mind of others, as sometimes humans have a tendency to only look at things from a certain perspective.

 

You, and many others live as you describe a very "typical American married life", which is actually pretty identical to most modern places on the globe. This is the way we are taught and it's the most commonly accepted way of living. Despite that fact, that doesn't mean that someone who choose to live widely different is any less of a valuable human. I think it's hard to ignore in your case that you do have strong pulls from things in life, that are not a part of your daily environment, except maybe the day-/dreaming state.

 

If I was you, I would heavily consider the possibility to actually doing something about it, which is naturally easier said than done. I can imagine the torture it is when you are a psychologist yourself, almost to the point where it must feel like your mind is overloading from the abundance of thoughts. Even so, there is still no shame or anything wrong with that struggle being real, but you do need to make some progress or else things will remain stagnant.

 

You say that your time spend abroad in Germany were the best experiences in your life, or well I assume at least some of them. Without a doubt I'm positive that your husband has to be one of them too, but that's just me derailing myself. If this really is the case, and you also strongly feel it's something you could enjoy again, which I find completely reasonable, then that's just further support in favor of change. Having been to Germany multiple times since it's the neighboring country of my own, I most certainly value both Germans and their country too. Anyway, there are many countries that have different interesting aspects, it very much depend too what kind of personality you have, that can make some more appealing than others.

 

I'm afraid my replies tend to run into lengthy ones, but that's the curse I guess of being able to write at a decent fast pace when my thoughts just keep rolling. I could add even more but there's naturally the chance that "my interesting initial response and this one" doesn't fall into the type of answer/information that you seek, which is completely fine and fair too. We all look for different things and appreciate varied levels of honesty/support.

 

From one very creative person to another, I still would truthfully have to say that, you do need elements in your life that challenge your brain greatly. I thrive of my creativity every single day and I know it's appreciated by those around me, even the ones that are at a distance much further away. You have many ways to make an impact on life for yourself and others, and the answer doesn't necessarily have to be moving elsewhere. I'm aware that with much less vacation for the average American, you have little time to go see places in comparison to most Europeans. Despite that, it doesn't make it impossible. With optimization of time and some good planning you can make things happen. Truthfully most people deserve to take some time and really spoil the heck out of themselves, but I do understand it can be difficult when you have many obligations.

 

My apologizes if any of above made you "think" even more, then it would promptly be time to ignore this Dane!

[spiderowl]

Medication can help somewhat. Believe me, I've tried lots and found something that helps with minimal side effects. It's not ideal but better than nothing.

 

The other thing I've found that has helped (not cured but made a difference to me) has been the 'More to Life' programme. I went on one of the seminars in the UK and found it offered helpful tools to investigate the roots of a problem.

 

Overall, I know how much of a battle it is. I'm hoping there will be a cure for depression. There does seem to be work going on towards it.

 

Regarding the need for external validation. I don't know when it happened but I suddenly realised that my views mattered just as much as anyone else's and that others didn't always know better just because they were more confident, better-looking, better-dressed, wealthier or apparently more intelligent. I suddenly saw that a lot we assume about others is irrelevant and does not make our opinions less valid than theirs. At some point, I realised that beautiful/handsome did not mean clever or thoughtful (yes, I know it should be obvious). Others especially don't know about us or our feelings so how can they be in a better position to judge us or validate us? You are totally unique, special, that gives you your own unique dimension, thoughts, feelings, experiences. Be proud of yourself and what you have coped with in life. Others are no better and have probably learned less if they have had a charmed life.

 

People will notice you because you are unique. It's that individuality that they will be interested in or not, as is usual in life. People see the world through their own filters. It doesn't make them right, but don't confuse other people's obsessions with the way things are. You need to step back and see people as individuals with their own ideas, not people who are there to judge you or should be permitted to. You are giving them a power they are not entitled to. Take it back for yourself.

Edited January 11, 2015 by spiderowl

[Ashbash11]

Thank you for your replies, Stalwartmind and spiderowl.. gave me a lot to think about.

 

As I mentioned previously, I think one of the hardest aspects of my life to deal with at this point is that feeling of being "stuck." I get bored very easily and I crave adventure and passion in my life. I enjoy moving frequently, exploring, traveling... Yet I live the "typical American life.." stuck in a job, married, looking to buy a house, have kids, etc. etc. and "settle down" like I'm supposed to. This life doesn't fit my personality, but I don't know how to live the life I want. I need the financial security of the job I have, and I enjoy being married, but it seems like along with marriage comes routine and complacency. I just have this underlying feeling of discontent, which leads to depression (among other reasons). Lately, I've been thinking about trying another therapist. Maybe I could at least use another objective opinion. Maybe I just have too much time to think.

[mrs rubble]

Have you tried CBT? The tharpist I saw helped me to change my life around.

I've been diagnosed with depression over the years at various times. Now I truely belive what I have is PMDD as my depression appears to be cyclic and I have all the symptoms. I feel suicidal at times, it's just awful. I cry like an idiot and my thoughts run away with me.

Two things stop me from taking my own life.

1) Reminding myself everytime I feel suicidal that these feelings will pass. They have before.

2) Making a mental note of the things I have to be greatful for.

[Ashbash11]

Mrs Rubble-

No, I haven't, but I would really like to try it. I haven't been able to find any therapists who do CBT in my area... I'll have to keep looking. I actually think it might be able to help me. Traditional "talk therapy" doesn't work... It just ends up becoming like a surface friendship where I talk to someone every week. None of my problems get solved, and my unhealthy thought processes continue....

 

Thanks for the tip!