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My relationship baggage


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Nikki Sahagin

I’m not quite sure whether this belongs here or in the general relationship discussion forum but basically, as a result of being in various relationships, I have noticed an array of faults in myself that I want to correct. I believe that I have chosen relationships that have forced me to examine these flaws, holding the microscope up to my issues to force me to deal with them.

 

 

It’s important to note that these issues exist for me outside of relationships also but manifest differently when I am actively in a relationship. I have noticed these issues follow me from relationship to relationship so I am fully aware that it is my baggage. At present I am with a wonderful, kind, loyal man and although we have our disagreements and differences, I truly love him and I don’t want my issues to destroy the relationship, which is what will happen if I don’t do something about my behavioural patterns soon.

 

 

· * I am incredibly insecure. I have been since childhood. I had a great upbringing. I think the insecurity may be something innate in me or perhaps learnt in adolescence. I am very stubborn and opinionated. I have a fundamental lack of security in myself a lot of the time, although I have done some incredibly independent things, such as travelling the world alone.

 

 

· * I am very self-conscious. Not bodily so. But emotionally/mentally. I am afraid often to share my thoughts, feelings, opinions, boundaries etc with others for fear of being rejected, ridiculed, unprotected.

 

 

 

· * I feel as a woman I have impossible expectations to live up to. This feeling began to creep in at age 14 and was motivated mainly by the media for me rather than my real life. I sometimes feel in relationships that the odds are stacked against faithful monogamy in the present world we live in and this leaves me feeling a further feeling of insecurity. In a world of hyper casual sex, I feel that falling in love is almost a weakness.

 

 

 

· * I can be very jealous, although I try to repress this as it’s an ugly trait. This jealousy exists outside of relationships also. I can be jealous of someone elses life, personality, blessings, opportunities, as well as experiencing relationship jealousy.

 

 

· * I always fear I’ll lose my partners. This often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

 

· * I can be quite dependent. When I am single, I am very independent. I think this is why men often find me attractive. However once I get into a relationship, I become dependent on my partner for emotional and mental validation. If I don’t receive this frequently, I become despondent, insecure, angry, disappointed etc and begin to sabotage the relationship.

 

 

 

· * I can be possessive. I know that this trait is incredibly devastating to a relationship. Because of my insecurity, I feel that if I don’t know exactly what is going on at all times, I can’t cope. This leads to control freak behaviour, with myself and my partners. A lot of the time I try to repress this also, but inevitably it comes out in some way.

 

 

· * I can be pessimistic. I always expect the worst to happen.

 

 

 

· * I have had a few bad experiences with men in the past. Nothing extreme in comparison to many but I have made a few ill judgements in the past; getting involved with a friends boyfriend (beginning of trust issues), cheating on two partners myself (I often feel my trust issues are my karma for having cheated – that the emotional toll I feel is the result of acting against my integrity – because I found it so easy to do so, I feel others will too) and as a child/adolescent being approached by a few older men in a sleazy, predatory way. Nothing happened sexually with them but I repressed a lot of anger/disgust/hatred over their actions which I think I have internalised against my partners. When I was 14 a tutor I had had for many months made a pass at me in my own home. This violation of trust was never discussed with anyone except my mum and still makes me feel deeply angry inside.

 

 

· * Often I feel very lonely. I have a loving family but there is this deep void of loneliness inside of me that I can never seem to fill. It reminds me of an Alanis Morisette song, ‘Would Not Come.’ She basically sings that no orgasm, drug, drink or experience seems to fill ‘the void.’ I can really relate to that. It makes me wonder how many others relate too.

 

I realise I sound like a hot emotional mess. I also know that I have made errs in judgement. I don’t want to hurt my relationship with my baggage. I would like to find a way to resolve it and go back to being the person that I know I can be; funny, kind, happy, giving, magnetic etc. But right now I feel all my good points are blocked out by this blackness that I’m feeling. For anyone who has struggled with similar demons, how do you continue to manage them? Does anyone have any recommendations for what I can do?

 

I want to change, I want to be a better person, I want to like myself, I want to feel secure in who I am. I just don’t know how to get there. I know that my boyfriend loves me but that this is beginning to take a toll. I want to make a difference before it’s too late.

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Nikki Sahagin

My partner just sent me the most wonderfully supportive text and I am so appreciative for it. I know he is a really good man and I don't want my problems to become more of a burden. As supportive as he is, I don't want to take that for granted. I really want to improve.

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do one thing at a time. you've listed too many things you dislike and that is really disheartening, because you look at that list and believe it's not going to be possible to fix all of that. pick the biggest issue on that list (ask your bf if you need help) and work on that one issue first. it is very very hard to change and you won't be able to fix all of that stuff at once. in fact, just one thing could take years. one step at a time. there are a few issues i have that also get worse in a relationship. i have to make an effort every single time i am with my partner to fix it. i have asked that he mention it to me when i go off track. if you have someone to help you they can actually fix something in the moment so you can reflect on it right away, change it right away, and make improvements little by little. it's not easy.

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I always try my best to understand others, even if they have views or do things that may generally be perceived as highly illogical, different, frowned upon etc.

 

The thing that surprised me the most of all you wrote, was that you cheated on two of your partners, because you found it so easy to do so, you feel others will to. I don't know if you regret doing so now, but else it would sort of defeat all the points of your post of wanting to change.

 

Everything we do and feel has a reason and cause, sometimes we're not quite aware of it but most of the time we are, even if we don't act upon knowing it.

 

I feel like, you are stuck in this vicious cycle of social expectations and standards which possibly against your very own will, cause you to act and feel in ways that are damaging to yourself and your environment.

 

It's entirely possible that people at times, completely against their own will and wanting, end up doing things they never intended. Pressure, expectations and just feeling uncomfortable or desperate can make most people react out of their comfort zone. This is not to defend you, for your cheating, but it's to debate I do believe, even if rare, that it's entirely possible people do react like that.

 

With that said, I also know the importance of not attacking people, especially those dear to you, just because an opportunity is presented. I truly am of nature curious as to why people do the things they do.

 

For the record there is nothing you feel that shocks me or would shock me if you were my friend or partner. If anything I'd be wanting to know to too the reason behind your feelings and help you the best I could. I do believe that help from outside can be of utmost importance in many cases, but it's the journey within yourself that will bring you to final liberation of all your struggles.

 

 

· * I am incredibly insecure. I have been since childhood. I had a great upbringing. I think the insecurity may be something innate in me or perhaps learnt in adolescence. I am very stubborn and opinionated. I have a fundamental lack of security in myself a lot of the time, although I have done some incredibly independent things, such as travelling the world alone.

 

Out of curiosity, how are you opinionated? Are you a person with strong biases and world views? Do you disregard others views as incorrect or are you actually open minded and realize there are more views than your own? Now I'm never trying to change anyone but, a very healthy way to be is to be able to look at things from multiple sides, especially ones that aren't your own. This will help you understand and accept things better in general.

 

About general insecurity, and this may be a lot easier said than done, but, the sooner you start not giving a flying fudge about other people's views of you, social standards, etc. (this is not meant in a rude way), then the more free you will be. However I do completely understand that in the world we live in, we are so heavily influenced of others, but this is where people need to learn to break free and think for themselves.

· * I am very self-conscious. Not bodily so. But emotionally/mentally. I am afraid often to share my thoughts, feelings, opinions, boundaries etc with others for fear of being rejected, ridiculed, unprotected.

 

This of course is pretty tough obstacle to overcome, and while this may be anonymous/on the internet with mostly strangers, if you are able to so here you could share the very same things with someone in person. I don't know your boyfriend, friends, family, but ideally it would be them you could also s hare these things with, whomever is the most comfortable to you really. To me it works like this, anyone, naturally especially those close to me, should feel comfortable and free to tell me anything. I'll always listen, not judge and only want to make you feel comfortable and always encourage you to do it at your pace.

 

· * I feel as a woman I have impossible expectations to live up to. This feeling began to creep in at age 14 and was motivated mainly by the media for me rather than my real life. I sometimes feel in relationships that the odds are stacked against faithful monogamy in the present world we live in and this leaves me feeling a further feeling of insecurity. In a world of hyper casual sex, I feel that falling in love is almost a weakness.

 

This is exactly why i am not fond of the media in general, and why I dislike people being so obsessed with social expectations and standards. I come from a country that possibly have citizens that are least offended by anything. I most certainly find it hard to be offended by much and yeah, in theory I could really care less about what the media does, shows or what the current social standards are, since it has zero impact on myself. The reason why I do care is because I see so often how it affects other humans.

 

Without offending anyone, a lot more women today feel the need for implants to look more womanly. Why? small, normal and large breasts are perfect. Then you look at every magazine, tv series, whatever, and both male+female casts are mostly young "socially perceived" beautiful people, which makes a lot of people with less well received faces feel none beautiful. It creates an ugly untrue image of the world. I find all types of women beautiful, and I know there are women whom do the same with men.

 

Truthfully, there are no expectations you have to live up to, besides what you create for yourself. Unfortunately you currently have your opinion heavily influenced by the media and others, which is a shame but too many currently are under the media/world's spell.

 

I would never want any of my friends, family or significant other to feel like they have to live up to any expectations as i know it'll wear their spirit down. It feels incredibly fake to go around and pretend you are or want something, that in reality you have 0 interest in, but without a doubt, it has become socially accepted to do so.

 

· * I can be very jealous, although I try to repress this as it’s an ugly trait. This jealousy exists outside of relationships also. I can be jealous of someone elses life, personality, blessings, opportunities, as well as experiencing relationship jealousy.

 

I'd repeat myself by saying, this is a part of the vicious cycle, and I'm sure you can trace some of this back to social expectations again. Personally I don't feel jealousy of anyone or anything. I honestly don't care about others or anyone not relevant to me. Don't mistake that for being negative or rude towards others, it's meant in the sense that, I'm happy for anyone enjoying their life and whatever they do, but it has no influence on mine. I'm perfectly capable of enjoying and loving things that I'm passionate about. There is also a natural difference between being jealous and being cautious/suspicious of things.

 

I'm not sure how you teach someone to defeat being jealous, I most certainly understand what people mean and how they can feel, but you really just can't let something like that rule your behavior. I am confident that it's connected to insecurities in many ways.

 

· * I always fear I’ll lose my partners. This often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

This is a part of the vicious cycle you are in, you will need to defeat it if you are ever to put this behind you. The fear stems from all the things I've mentioned and I'm certain your mind has no problem either imagining the billion different ways someone could leave you.

 

I'll try do something different and tell you about how I work, and this is probably different to most people. It doesn't matter once bit if you find it a valuable trait or not, but it'll give you an insight into how someone else thinks and feel.

 

I do not fear or worry about people leaving me. Friends of partners. This doesn't mean that I won't feel the greatest devastation or sadness if I was really fond of that person. I just know that in the end, it's not my choice or fault if someone choose to leave my life. In addition to that, sometimes things are just not meant to be and most people, sometimes just change or want something different and yeps, there can be a billion reasons as to why they feel they must move on.

 

I work in a very different way mentally. You will learn pretty fast the type of person i am at the core. I'm a person with a solid stability, one you can count on, open minded and will not give in to any sort of social pressure. Through time you'll find that I'm reliable and have plenty of things to offer, wide interests and extremely calm of nature. This may be extremely soothing to you or it'll scare you off, possibly if you are a person that cannot find any sort of if inner peace or peace in life in general. There are all types of people and this is perfectly alright, and no one is ever interesting or ideal for everyone. Not one single person on this planet. Accepting that, while logical, should be a must for all. Like in your case with the fear of being left, I'm not the type that leaves people, because in essence I'm always the same at the core, and if I like someone whom have similar core values, then I have no reason to leave you. I'm also the type whom is never bored. I have too many things I can do and want to do, and truthfully I'll never run out of things to do and there are constantly new and amazing things to be found, in both people and otherwise.

 

· * I can be quite dependent. When I am single, I am very independent. I think this is why men often find me attractive. However once I get into a relationship, I become dependent on my partner for emotional and mental validation. If I don’t receive this frequently, I become despondent, insecure, angry, disappointed etc and begin to sabotage the relationship.

 

I think this is very normal to feel when one is very emotional and all depending on your partner, this may be an issue or non-issue. Some people don't like a clingy partner, others loves. Some couples love spending every moment together 24/7 and others do not. Anyone whom is willing to put in the effort can make things work, even in a relationship that may not be 100% to your preference, like in your case of needing to be validated. To me this all boils down to one's partner again. A really thoughtful and considerate partner, knows how his or her mate feels and thinks, often without even the need to speak any words, you can simply sense it.

 

· * I can be possessive. I know that this trait is incredibly devastating to a relationship. Because of my insecurity, I feel that if I don’t know exactly what is going on at all times, I can’t cope. This leads to control freak behaviour, with myself and my partners. A lot of the time I try to repress this also, but inevitably it comes out in some way.

 

I'm not a fan of anyone repressing their true feelings regardless of the topic or issue at hand, because much like you said it will inevitably come out in some way. A notorious stereotypical image of most women is that they bottle up their feelings and then sometimes explode. I'm not one for stereotypes but regardless of that, It's really vital you find a way to communicate your thoughts, no matter how illogical or ill-perceived they'll be from the person you are with. Someone with understanding and patience will know better than to just immediately respond back with fire, in case the outcome of an event is that negative.

 

Few people likes to be controlled and nor should anyone really try to control others, that's why it's best to learn to communicate your thoughts out in a way that can yield better end results in favor of your feelings.

 

· * I can be pessimistic. I always expect the worst to happen.

I think there is nothing wrong with being pessimistic about things, at least in the general sense of protecting yourself and being cautious. If you however are pessimistic to and about your family, friends and partner, then you'll be creating a possibly unnecessary negative atmosphere. It's fine to share and discuss pessimistic concerns about things, it also just very much has to do with the way you present those thoughts.

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Nikki Sahagin
do one thing at a time. you've listed too many things you dislike and that is really disheartening, because you look at that list and believe it's not going to be possible to fix all of that. pick the biggest issue on that list (ask your bf if you need help) and work on that one issue first. it is very very hard to change and you won't be able to fix all of that stuff at once. in fact, just one thing could take years. one step at a time. there are a few issues i have that also get worse in a relationship. i have to make an effort every single time i am with my partner to fix it. i have asked that he mention it to me when i go off track. if you have someone to help you they can actually fix something in the moment so you can reflect on it right away, change it right away, and make improvements little by little. it's not easy.

 

You're quite right. I do look at the list and think that it's a hell of a lot to change. It is an honest assessment of what I feel are my shortcomings. I struggle with these things on a daily basis and they cause me a lot of despair, sorrow, anxiety and stress. It's very hard to try to disentangle. I find it a bit hard to share with my bf - I know he is aware of most of my faults (probably) although I don't think he'd be so harsh on me, but I just don't feel very comfortable at least right now, sharing the process with him, in case he doesn't understand.

 

How did your partner help you deal with these things? Was he always supportive or sometimes not?

 

I suppose I keep thinking there is a quick fix. Naturally, I don't want the process to take years. I just want to be better - now. Frustrating that I can be so broken that I'll take so long to fix!

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Nikki Sahagin

StalwartMind - thanks for your thoughtful response. It means a lot that you took the time to respond in depth to each of my points. I'll try to split my response into parts to correspond with what you've said.

 

* Yes, I have cheated on 2 partners with 3 men in total. My first relationship was with a man who also had a girlfriend for 4 months before he left her to be with me. I do believe that my relationship history has brought on some karma for me. I cheated for varying reasons, both 'good' and 'bad' i.e. the bad was insecurity, the good was sexual desire. I am not justifying that cheating is correct in any way, but that the cheating wasn't purely the typical 'oh she's insecure so she cheated' although I do believe my behaviour in the past has influenced my trust in others. I feel if I can do it, as I have, then others can too.

 

* I am very opinionated internally but don't always find it easy to verbalise my opinions. I'm a people pleaser and don't like to rock the boat. Inside, I don't compromise on my opinions but externally I can cater to what others believe just for an easy life. Inside, I do tend to think I am right and people who think differently to me are wrong, although I'm aware this is faulty thinking. I do care a lot about how people see me and what they think of me, which is strange because I never used to!

 

* Self-consciousness is indeed a horrible thing! It partly stems from having acne as a teenager. I became physically self-conscious. I started to imagine how I looked when I was talking to people. Were they looking at my acne and thinking I was ugly? So I started to hide/fly under the radar/try not to be noticed to avoid those fears. That has stuck with me as I've gotten out of puberty.

 

* I try to cut off from the media a lot. I don't read women's magazines, watch music videos or anything that I feel feeds into these unrealistic standards. It's not healthy for me. My fear is that, although I stop, my boyfriend and most people around me still watch and read these things so THERE expectations are still in that area even if mine aren't. In all honesty I would like to control that someone doesn't look at those things so that it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. I don't look but I don't want others to either.

 

* I find it amazing that you never feel jealous. Lucky! I think my jealousy is a reflection of my lack of security in myself. If I felt that security...I wouldn't feel jealous?

 

* It's interesting how you connect some feelings back to partner i.e. the right partner can do a lot to help if not 'fix' you. Perhaps in some senses, as much as I love my partner, he fuels some of these feelings.

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...although I do believe my behaviour in the past has influenced my trust in others. I feel if I can do it, as I have, then others can too.

That is true, Nikki. And it's the same as a serial killer saying the same thing (If I can do it, others can, too. Which is equally true...we all can be/do anything that has already been done.) The more pertinent question is: when you did it, was it about you or about the person on whom you cheated? So, you have to take THAT answer into account. *IF* you ever get cheated on, will you remember that it is not about you, but about the cheater? And, when you remember that, then someone cheating on you won't be so much of a blow to your 'inner you'...just to your ego. If that makes sense?

I am very opinionated internally but don't always find it easy to verbalise my opinions. I'm a people pleaser and don't like to rock the boat. Inside, I don't compromise on my opinions but externally I can cater to what others believe just for an easy life. Inside, I do tend to think I am right and people who think differently to me are wrong, although I'm aware this is faulty thinking. I do care a lot about how people see me and what they think of me, which is strange because I never used to!
Most people do, to one or another degree. The thing is to only care about the opinions of people whom you trust and respect...not just every tom, dick and harry...or sally. People need to EARN that you care about their opinions, whether of you, or politics, or if it's okay to drink white wine with red meat. People need to EARN your caring.

 

Being opinionated internally doesn't really count for anything to anybody on the outside of you...if you just keep it to yourself then, to everyone else, it is the same as you having no opinion at all.

 

You said that you had a great upbringing...but is that because you were a pacifist and pacifier, and catered to everyone else's needs, demands and comfort levels, and stayed silent and didn't rock the boat?

 

Can you live with it if what YOU think/feel is "right"...actually is, but only for you? And that other people get to choose and decide for themselves, what is "right" (and "not right") for them?

Also, it is that you could have a stronger sense of what is...I'm going to say "spiritually" more beneficial, useful, uplifting -- and a lot of other people just don't get that. They could be more selfish, or have a lower level of consciousness, or whatever. This is more difficult to handle, and one just has to accept that they won't get it until they're ready to get it...and that may not be in this lifetime. Incidentally, these are the people whose opinions you do NOT want to value too highly, if at all. ;)

 

Same for people who are going to judge you on any external appearances, whether things you can change (clothing, habits, etc.), or things that you can't. These kinds of critics and judges you do NOT need in your life. They are NOT beneficial, useful or uplifting. You don't need to value their self-righteous and/or ignorant opinions.

Self-consciousness is indeed a horrible thing! It partly stems from having acne as a teenager. I became physically self-conscious. I started to imagine how I looked when I was talking to people. Were they looking at my acne and thinking I was ugly?
I had acne well into my adult years. Do you STILL suffer from it? If not, it's time to put your foot down and tell that 'inner critic' to go to hell because it is still rambling on from REALLY old news that has no bearing on anything current or future. YOU are in charge of you, not any 'inner critic'-voice that doesn't know it's ass from it's elbow! Take back control from the parts of you that have gotten away from your control -- then also, it becomes less of a 'thing' (need, desire, want) to have to control all the crap on the outside.

It's interesting how you connect some feelings back to partner i.e. the right partner can do a lot to help if not 'fix' you. Perhaps in some senses, as much as I love my partner, he fuels some of these feelings.
No...you had it right in your original post. The people in our life trigger certain feelings, but they do not cause it. The 'fuel' comes from within. I believe that you are spot-on, that your relationships have been karmic in the sense that they've been attracted (by whatever means or forces) to help you eliminate all negative/low-level internal stuff, and come up higher.

 

Your original list of "flaws" is quite long, but seven of them are essentially one and the same. (Insecure, self-conscious, jealous, possessive, dependent, fear of losing a romantic partner, too-high self-expectations.) At least, they are inter-connected; inter-dependent. When one area starts loosening up, there will be relief in the other areas, too.

"Need to control" is not on the list; but it is a by-product that you might want to consider independent of the others.

 

So basically...the list really only has three items on it! Hope that is good news for you, and brings lots of hope? :)

 

For me, I've come to think/realize that my loneliness is more of a spiritual nature; not something that is going to get fulfilled through other people or material things or outer appearances.

 

Best of luck, Nikki. That you are willing to look at all of this is HUGE! Most people don't like it...they'd rather be pointing fingers at everyone else around them.

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Nikki Sahagin

Hi Ronni,

 

I'm very grateful for your response. Your comments have been eye opening for me, especially the analogy with cheats and serial killers. Yes, it was about me rather than the other person. I suppose though, thinking it could be 'about me' gives me a sense of control i.e. if I can be better, it won't happen. When it's about the other person, there is no control. I'm realising to quell the depression/anxiety I often struggle with, I like to control situations/people/experiences to feel calm.

 

Yes I do still suffer with acne. It drags me down a lot and makes me feel self-conscious. The thing is, without sounding arrogant, I know I am an attractive girl, but the acne is like a block over that for me. The comments you made about my inner critic nearly made me cry because I do feel like that a lot - I'm so hard on myself and always criticising. It's so hard sometimes to tune that destructive voice out that keeps listing what's wrong with me.

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