Trying to trust again.

[SpiralOut]

I tried to express this in another thread, but I don't think it came across very clearly so I'll try again.

 

I've had some bad experiences with people in the past. There is a pattern to them: they tend to be self-absorbed to the point that they say rude things to me without even realizing how awful they sounded. Several of my ex-friends were this way. My ex-bf was this way to a certain degree except that he didn't belittle me, he just didn't care about my feelings. It is probably safe to say that I chose these sorts of people because of my self-esteem level. Maybe I thought I deserved that treatment, or maybe I lacked the insight to recognize it until it had been going on for some time.

 

Long story short, I've cut out those people. I've been distrustful ever since. I hold grudges against people, for fear that if I forgive them they will hurt me again. I hesitate to share good news about myself, for fear of being mocked. I often feel that I need to downplay myself so people won't hate me if they think I'm too good at something. Perhaps worst of all, I freeze up when people pay attention to me. If they ask my opinion or engage in conversation with me, I get nervous and worry that whatever I say will be met with criticism or rude comments or that the person will attempt to argue with me.

 

This is affecting my efforts to make new friends. I seem to be somewhat getting somewhere with some girls I know. So far they seem kind-hearted - enough that even if I say something stupid, they won't act rude about it. I just can't seem to drop my habits enough, to let down my guard. I've known the one girl for almost a year now and we're kinda friends, but I still get anxious if she asks for my opinion in front of others. I'm worried I'll get shot down or that I'll say something stupid. I worry they will change their minds about liking me. I know this sounds really bad, but I can't stop feeling like I need to warn people that I'm actually not that great. When someone likes me I fear they will discover the truth and think that I've been tricking them.

 

Has anyone else had trouble trusting people again? I am working to improve my confidence, but I still have this problem. I'm worried that my nervousness and suspicious nature will drive people away.

[GingerVixen]

I totally feel you OP. I have met countless treacherous people in my life. People who would cry on my shoulders but when I wanted to cry on theirs, they would run away. People who would pretend to be my friends and then say terrible things about me at my back. I have given up on them a long while ago. I have just one friend (outside home and family) right now who I really like and appreciate . The rest are just colleagues and work buddies.

 

I have been going through very hard times because I just can't trust anyone. And it's not just about friendships, but also regarding romantic relationships as well. I think humankind is getting worse everyday.

 

Well so how I am dealing with it? Though I do not trust people anymore I have not lost faith and hope. I know somewhere somehow I will find a true friend and a nice boyfriend. Don't lose your hope because there are people in the world who are just like you, looking for a meaningful relationship.

[esteem-jam]

You could take the matter in your hands and just speak out that you have trouble making friends and trusting people. However, if this gets laughed off as nothing, bringing it on the second or third time will be super lame. Also no use doing this with people you just met. I noticed I often make good first impression, but as time goes by people pair with who they match best.

 

Do you specifically mean that one girl? Observe the crowd, is everyone free for all or with their "best" friend?

If you get liked by whole group, that would be like hitting the jackpot. But realistically, the more people you get to know, the more chance someone doesnt fancy you. Statistics.

 

Edit: Something more about wearing your heart on your sleeve, or not. There is one interview with Marvin Gaye, and he gets asked when times were bad did he consider suicide. He tells that he cant really answer that, because people would see him as weak. I think its a good approach. I dont have to tell you that (as an english speaker) when people ask you "how are you" you dont tell them your life story. You say "fine, thanks, and you?".

Edited August 4, 2014 by esteem-jam

[SpiralOut]

You could take the matter in your hands and just speak out that you have trouble making friends and trusting people. However, if this gets laughed off as nothing, bringing it on the second or third time will be super lame. Also no use doing this with people you just met. I noticed I often make good first impression, but as time goes by people pair with who they match best.

 

Do you specifically mean that one girl? Observe the crowd, is everyone free for all or with their "best" friend?

If you get liked by whole group, that would be like hitting the jackpot. But realistically, the more people you get to know, the more chance someone doesnt fancy you. Statistics.

 

Yes, I've been thinking lately that I may mention it. I did mean specifically that one girl. I do click with a few of the other girls, just not enough yet to disclose anything. I don't think anyone actively dislikes me, or if they do they hide it well.

 

I guess at this point I am worried that I will screw things up. I am so used to holding people at a certain length, that when I feel things getting closer I get very nervous. I was kind of becoming friends with this other girl, but she hasn't shown up in months.

 

I find women more difficult to befriend. I tried a different meetup group last month and my nerves ruined the whole thing. A few of the girls seemed eager to get to know me and I was okay at first, then my "cool" act fell apart. I felt totally intimidated and felt like I was being fake and I just couldn't do it. I left feeling pretty bad. Then two of them showed up to the main group I attend, and they recognized me and seemed happy (I think?) to see me.

 

Most people like me immediately. I will admit there were a few rude women here and there who just sort of hated me on sight. But I don't think my personality is a problem, it's my nerves that ruin it for me.

[StalwartMind]

I find it difficult to blame anyone for not being able to fully "trust" someone again, especially when you've been hurt, let down or disappointed multiple times by others in the past. However I guess you can break trust down into multiple tiers. Our world functions because we trust everyone to do their specified task, from the garbage collector to the judge sitting in a room enforcing the law in each respective country. Perhaps not the best example, but if we could trust no one in this world, then it would simply fall apart.

 

The above mentioned tier "trust" level is perhaps not the most glamorous one, or one we pay much attention to in our daily day but it still serves it's purpose for us being able to life in a "fairly functional" world. Humankind should never stop to improve and that goes for all of us, even when we are faced with people that disrespect, humiliate, hurt us and so on.

 

There are people in this world whom actually are worth trusting, and I'm sure you and the other posters as well, consider yourself being one of those people that fall into this group. You don't know when you'll run into someone whom can surprise you in the most pleasant way and whom will show you the utmost respect, attention and genuinely care.

 

I understand your concern and fear of how other people may perceive you, and how it can make you feel incredibly nervous facing various situations and challenges. Do know that not everyone judge others instantly or for that matter the first many times you meet. As with most things of a certain value in life, it takes times to gather a true impression, be it negative or positive. I'm not frightened away of someone possibly making a mistake or many mistakes, or one feeling uncomfortable in a situation. If anything it would make me curious as to why a certain individual may or acted in that particular way.

 

It's hard, not to say impossible at times to defeat fears and obstacles in your way, unless you face them. You are required to put in some "tier level" of trust again, in another person, if you want to find and do whatever it is you want from life. We all need to make ourselves somewhat vulnerable, much like writing here, even if one could argue it's more anonymous, to see what kind of response the other individual we're communicating with will provide.

 

As with most meaningful relationships, it takes time to build up trust and get more comfortable with each other. I don't think it's bad at all to be picky with whom you choose to invest your time with, after all it's your life. Anyone whom will sincerely give you the attention and understanding, is a pretty good starting point. As to how far any of your new relationships/friendships will go only time will tell, but don't scare yourself away from taking a chance and communicate with someone you feel could be worth your time. There's no shame in admitting fear or having the thoughts you do, in fact it's always admirable and people should be commended for being honest.

 

Believe in yourself, find a little courage and with some good common sense as well as being cautious, you should find yourself breaking barriers eventually. Warm thoughts and best of luck out there!