iDrumKing Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm a VERY forgiving person. I consider myself too nice for my own good, but that's just me. In any case where I'm belittled, scolded at, or screwed over tremendously; I have every right to be aggravated or mad. But I don't. I just don't have the strength to carry anger or a grudge. Sure I'll be a bit agitated, but give it 10 minutes all giving you high fives. Lately though I can tell it's having a negative impact on me. I notice that people walk all over me. They don't care how their action affect me because they know I will forgive them. Need advice. How do I find a balance? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Johnsmith1003 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm a VERY forgiving person. I consider myself too nice for my own good, but that's just me. In any case where I'm belittled, scolded at, or screwed over tremendously; I have every right to be aggravated or mad. But I don't. I just don't have the strength to carry anger or a grudge. Sure I'll be a bit agitated, but give it 10 minutes all giving you high fives. Lately though I can tell it's having a negative impact on me. I notice that people walk all over me. They don't care how their action affect me because they know I will forgive them. Need advice. How do I find a balance? I was like that. Pretty bad too. You're being too passive, and they know that. Be more assertive. Next time they do something you don't approve of, you take control and tell them why. You don't have to be 'right', per se, but what fundamentally makes you happy. They won't like you at first because you finally took a stand, but weirdly enough will quickly grow to respect you because of it and that's more important. You are your own person to stand up for, and sooner than later you'll find those grudges diminished. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I thought I was forgiving too - for years! turns out I was just pushing the dust under the rug. And at some point I had to clean under the rug. By all means, forgive whoever hurt you but DON'T let them back in your life again... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) I'm a VERY forgiving person. I consider myself too nice for my own good, but that's just me. In any case where I'm belittled, scolded at, or screwed over tremendously; I have every right to be aggravated or mad. But I don't. I just don't have the strength to carry anger or a grudge. Sure I'll be a bit agitated, but give it 10 minutes all giving you high fives. Lately though I can tell it's having a negative impact on me. I notice that people walk all over me. They don't care how their action affect me because they know I will forgive them. Need advice. How do I find a balance? I sometimes wonder about this too. I like to resolve disputes where I can, and get rid of the ill feeling...but there are times that I've forgiven maybe a little too easily. Sometimes with hindsight I'll think "well hang on, what that person said/did was absolutely appalling - and perhaps I was so busy trying to react calmly that I overlooked how crappy they were actually being. In the quest to always resolve and compromise, perhaps I've given them a message that it's really okay for them to speak to me however they want since they can rely on me accepting their apology." It's a tough one to decide. I suppose you have to take it case by case. With some people, you'll get a bit of behaviour that's really out of character and comes from a place of stress or major upset. I think in situations like that, letting it go is the honourable and adult thing to do. In other cases you will be on the receiving end of a piece of bad behaviour that you've seen from that person over and over again...and it's reached the point where "sorry, I shouldn't have said/done that" really doesn't cut it any more. Maybe in that situation the best thing is to say "I'm not really interested in hearing an apology. I'm interested in seeing one by you making some genuine effort over time to behave like a more decent person. Perhaps if you can ever get to that point and can show signs of staying there we can talk, but right now I really don't feel like discussing this with you or hearing any apologies." I suppose there's just that line you have to identify between holding a grudge in a fairly toxic way, and being forgiving to the point where, as you say, people think you're a bit of an easy mark. Edited July 1, 2014 by Taramere 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I struggle with this too. I just forget anything that's not lifechanging, nasty stuff. I fell out with someone I work with over a week ago and I know it would be best if we didn't talk, yet I'm ready to chit chat and discuss whatever is happening because I just can't stay mad. I don't really know how to make myself stay angry at people I can't cut out so I try to cut back contact but it creeps back because they often want to carry on talking too. I genuinely find it hard to sustain enough dislike for someone if we were good friends at some point and they wronged me or upset me. It leaves my mind and I forget. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm a VERY forgiving person. I consider myself too nice for my own good, but that's just me. Turn the cheek enough times and one runs out of cheeks. In any case where I'm belittled, scolded at, or screwed over tremendously; I have every right to be aggravated or mad. Perhaps the work is learning how to express that appropriately. But I don't. I just don't have the strength to carry anger or a grudge. Sure I'll be a bit agitated, but give it 10 minutes all giving you high fives. If you legitimately feel positive about such choices, then that works for you. The key is feeling positive about it. Lately though I can tell it's having a negative impact on me. So, you evidently don't feel positive about it. I notice that people walk all over me. They don't care how their action affect me because they know I will forgive them. If new, that's their apparent personality. If old, same and you've taught them, by omission of consequences, how to treat you. In either case, you have choices. Need advice. How do I find a balance? Balance is different for each person. I'm intrinsically non-violent so often bump into conflicts with 'darker thoughts' of the typical male when confronted with such situations so learned to process those thoughts to both alternatives (turning the other cheek as well as overt escalation to violence) as unacceptable and voice the resultant decision as 'that's unacceptable', then disconnect and walk away. Another balance, emotionally, is giving only what is 'free'; in other words, without expectation. Accept that the gift of generosity is willfully made and without any expectation of appreciation or reciprocation. Establish the boundary for what is 'free' and what 'costs' and clearly delineate that. At the point where the concrete wall of the difference exists, the person who cares the least has the most power and control. If you don't care about the other person's existence, they can't affect you in any meaningful way. This tends to filter out the hoovers and slowly morphs ones associations and friendships into like-minded individuals. Lastly, it's OK to be alone. Relationships and friendships are healthy but not at the cost of one's personal psychological, physical or financial health. When in doubt, choose what is personally healthy, even if that means being alone. Perhaps easier said than done but the basic premise is sound, especially if you're feeling out of sorts just to 'get along'. Why bend yourself into a pretzel just for some human interaction? As always, you have choices! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm a VERY forgiving person. I consider myself too nice for my own good, but that's just me. In any case where I'm belittled, scolded at, or screwed over tremendously; I have every right to be aggravated or mad. But I don't. I just don't have the strength to carry anger or a grudge. Sure I'll be a bit agitated, but give it 10 minutes all giving you high fives. Lately though I can tell it's having a negative impact on me. I notice that people walk all over me. They don't care how their action affect me because they know I will forgive them. Need advice. How do I find a balance? I sort of know what you mean. I couldn't be bothered to hold grudges or be really mad at anyone when I was younger. Not out of charity or anything. It just feels like the more rational thing to do to just bury the hatchet and worry about the future/things that are actually relevant moving forward. As I've gotten older I've figured people tend to interpret that as weakness. Which is kind of dumb when you think about it. Now I get mad at people because I'm expected to! I'm still figuring out which things to make a token angry stand about (even though internally, I really dgaf) and which things I can still have that happy go lucky attitude about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I used to have this problem. Now I'm the exact opposite and I hold grudges and hate people easily. It's not good. I don't know how to find balance - I'm figuring that out still - but I do know that it feels better to stand up to someone than to let them walk all over you. You will need to practice different methods until you find something that works for you. If you aren't sure of what to say or do in a certain situation, you can always post it here to get some ideas. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I struggle with this too. I just forget anything that's not lifechanging, nasty stuff. I fell out with someone I work with over a week ago and I know it would be best if we didn't talk, yet I'm ready to chit chat and discuss whatever is happening because I just can't stay mad. I don't really know how to make myself stay angry at people I can't cut out so I try to cut back contact but it creeps back because they often want to carry on talking too. I genuinely find it hard to sustain enough dislike for someone if we were good friends at some point and they wronged me or upset me. It leaves my mind and I forget. Well it turns out the above is not true. I thought about this thread and then I got really angry so I'm not on speaking terms with that person after all, I told them I was going back to restricted contact only discussing work when it's necessary (like once a month). I'm not letting anyone walk over me, sod that. No need to do anything just don't bloody talk to me. Forget the word grudge or anger, I don't want to sustain those feelings but when I feel I have to be nice to someone that hurt me, all the negativity floods back. Next time they will think twice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) Well it turns out the above is not true. I thought about this thread and then I got really angry so I'm not on speaking terms with that person after all, I told them I was going back to restricted contact only discussing work when it's necessary (like once a month). I'm not letting anyone walk over me, sod that. No need to do anything just don't bloody talk to me. Forget the word grudge or anger, I don't want to sustain those feelings but when I feel I have to be nice to someone that hurt me, all the negativity floods back. Next time they will think twice. I hear you. I am holding a grudge at the moment, against a dog. I'm not even joking. I dislike this animal to the point where I don't care how petty it sounds. It's a dog my neighbour sometimes looks after (a relative's). A completely vile, aggressive dachshund. The other day it stumpy-legged it over to me as I was coming down the outdoor stairs, and bit me on the ankle. I already disliked the thing. I suppose it sensed that, as dogs have an instinct for who doesn't like that. Still, it always had the option of keeping its distance from a larger animal that dislikes it but isn't doing it any harm. That's what most sensible living things opt for. The moment it bit me, I seriously wanted to kick it so hard that I would cause some internal injury. And that's why I'm holding a grudge. I'm usually a big animal lover. I felt shaky and upset that I would want to do that to an animal - especially one my neighbour looks after (she's a lovely person). I read up some articles afterwards on how to deal with an aggressive dog. What I wanted to read was that it was okay to drench it with water next time it tears over aggressively to me. That seemed, to me, like a fair compromise that would teach it who's boss without causing any injury. But of course, what I read was some pious article going on about how the dog is attacking because it's frightened and how drenching it with water would just make it more aggressive. So instead, according to this article, I should try to make friends with it. Feed it treats, with the neighbour's permission etc etc. Feed it treats??? Talk about unrealistic. This is an animal that the basest, most primitive part of me wants to kick across the entire length of the lawn - and I'm supposed to coo over it and give it a dog biscuit? No doubt getting my hand bitten in the process? As much as I'm capable of, around a thing like that, is to utterly ignore it. It hates me, and I hate it. Any attempts at friendly interaction are bound to end in either the dog or me getting hurt. I don't know that it's so very different with humans. Edited July 2, 2014 by Taramere 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Feed it treats??? Talk about unrealistic. This is an animal that the basest, most primitive part of me wants to kick across the entire length of the lawn - and I'm supposed to coo over it and give it a dog biscuit? No doubt getting my hand bitten in the process? As much as I'm capable of, around a thing like that, is to utterly ignore it. It hates me, and I hate it. Any attempts at friendly interaction are bound to end in either the dog or me getting hurt. I don't know that it's so very different with humans. It's not. Yes I do want to do the right thing, communicate, be mature, have empathy, understand others' feelings. Sometimes though, a dog needs to know its place in the pack. Same for a human. Sometimes a f*** you is the most effective. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm a VERY forgiving person. I consider myself too nice for my own good, but that's just me. In any case where I'm belittled, scolded at, or screwed over tremendously; I have every right to be aggravated or mad. But I don't. I just don't have the strength to carry anger or a grudge. Sure I'll be a bit agitated, but give it 10 minutes all giving you high fives. Lately though I can tell it's having a negative impact on me. I notice that people walk all over me. They don't care how their action affect me because they know I will forgive them. Need advice. How do I find a balance? Learn to say no to people sometimes. Bolded part: Those people who belittle you, are rude to you or screw you over are NOT your friends. Cut them out of your life. Sure forgive them if it helps you feel more at peace but don't surround yourself with people who treat you like crap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Theory816 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I would ask why you are being so forgiving. I think the true reason is because you want to avoid any real conflict or arguments. It's like you are saying people can do crappy things to you and get away with it because you "forgave" them...and you come up with the excuse that it drains to much energy. Naw man, people can be horrible and they need to be put into place. Real talk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnyaNova Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Well it turns out the above is not true. I thought about this thread and then I got really angry so I'm not on speaking terms with that person after all, I told them I was going back to restricted contact only discussing work when it's necessary (like once a month). I'm not letting anyone walk over me, sod that. No need to do anything just don't bloody talk to me. Forget the word grudge or anger, I don't want to sustain those feelings but when I feel I have to be nice to someone that hurt me, all the negativity floods back. Next time they will think twice. You have every right to choose which people you have more contact with you and your life outside of work, on your own time! I think that this is good boundary setting! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iDrumKing Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 Learn to say no to people sometimes. Bolded part: Those people who belittle you, are rude to you or screw you over are NOT your friends. Cut them out of your life. Sure forgive them if it helps you feel more at peace but don't surround yourself with people who treat you like crap. It's just tough for me I guess. By nature I'm not very assertive. Am I shy? Not really. I just like to keep to myself. I guess growing up like this has really prevented me from having a somewhat aggressive attitude to stand up to conflict. 1. I don't like conflict 2. I don't have many close friends so to start up anything and lose them worries me I say this but i know they aren't true friends if they take what I say negatively... Link to post Share on other sites
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