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Boy, is it tough not to ask questions about his FIRST wedding!


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Old 5th June 2004, 9:06 PM   #1
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Boy, is it tough not to ask questions about his FIRST wedding!

Maybe I should have typed this in the 'rants' section.... I just have to admit...that I'm having a tough time not asking questions about my fiance's FIRST wedding, to his ex-wife. As we start discussing details of our own wedding, I feel compelled to ask "and did you do that at your first wedding..?? Or ...what did you do the first time?" Arrrggghhhhh...I know, I know. It's just another outlet of my obsessive thinking (I suffer OCD).

I try to ignore the impulse to ask, to know, to have control over everything. I tell myself not to worry...it will go away soon. Or I tell myself to be happy (the whole positive thinking thing IS still working a treat most of the time by the way...) and focus on the here and now.

But lately...the questions about his first wedding, have been slipping out . He usually says he honestly doesn't remember. Or says "does it matter?". I then quickly get a grip, and say "no...sorry I asked"...and change the subject! (thank goodness I no longer go on and on about things, and can stop myself quickly).

I just had to admit that it is hard right now in relation to this subject.

I'm doing well overall, and my fiance has commented a few times on how well I've been doing lately, and how he's noticed me being more upbeat and relaxed. Plus, I am plain happy right now!

It's just this old obsessive 'need to know' thing that's flared up with all the wedding talk.

Any words of comfort/advice much appreciated! Or even maybe just a smack on the head is needed
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Old 5th June 2004, 9:10 PM   #2
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There is never, ever a 'need' to know. Perhaps you should rename it to yourself. It is not 'need' but rather 'compulsive desire to control' or 'dysfunctional desire to dominate'. 'Need' almost sounds benign. Don't sugarcoat it to yourself. It's damaging to you both and to your relationship. Call a spade a spade.
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Old 5th June 2004, 9:13 PM   #3
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Remember, it's your wedding!
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Old 5th June 2004, 9:26 PM   #4
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I don't know if it'll make you feel any better, but I'd want to know too. Very sad, but it was the major event in his life. And now he's doing it again. I mean the pressure, the competition!

So to me it would be truly important to know details. Look at pictures, just confront this, confront my biggest fears... It would be very hard for me to go through wih this. YOU are doing a very good job, with or without the OCD, Thinkalot!
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Old 5th June 2004, 9:40 PM   #5
 
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I hope you can keep from beating yourself up over it. I know it's a sore spot in your relationship, but it's not like it's unnatural to want to know. I'd ask my girlfriend about her past relationships, I have, and I will. There's a difference between obsessive questioning and healthy curiosity. I hope you are (or will be) able to know the difference, so you don't have to avoid every question regardless of its motivation.

What do you expect as far as a "cure" for this? Has anyone given you a plan or some hope for the future as far as how you can expect to beat this once and for all? After you've been married for 10 years, do you think you'll still be thinking about it?
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Old 5th June 2004, 11:36 PM   #6
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moi- thanks- although I was not intentionally sugarcoating, I'll certainly be strict in reminding myself this is very unhealthy for us... was that my smack on the head?

A.G.- thanks for the reminder

Curly...I appreciate your understanding and support ...even though I know it needs to be overcome. I am competitive at the best of times....but comparing is no good, and only brings up a subject I do not want him thinking about anyway!

johan- It's tricky to know what's healthy curiousity and what's obsessive with me. My general rule of thumb is to assume it's unhealthy obsessive thinking/comparing/competing. I mean, I know the basics about his first wedding, and I would assume that for most people, that would be enough. I know where, when, how etc. Wanting to know all the finer details is not healthy I don't think. It's simply another way of wanting to control everything, to compete, and stems from thinking too much about the past again anyway!

Progressively this has been improving over the past 6 months. So I expect it to continue to do so, until it fades even more. It may never entirely dissapear, but exist at a level that is not damaging to my personal well being, or my relationship/marriage.

I think back to how I would have handled this 6 months ago...and I know I would not be doing as well as I currently am. I would not sometimes ask a question (only when the subject has come up), and then quickly drop it. I would be asking things all the time, and not being able to drop it..but pushing onwards. Thank goodness I don't do that now.

Oh, and it is a relief to know that some others would also want to ask questions and know stuff. I just think a line has to be drawn..otherwise the whole thing will turn into another area of comparison...and I am having so much fun planning, and loving him, and looking forward..am I determined not to let myself spoil these moments, by looking backwards.

Last edited by Thinkalot; 5th June 2004 at 11:39 PM..
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Old 6th June 2004, 12:15 AM   #7
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moi- thanks- although I was not intentionally sugarcoating, I'll certainly be strict in reminding myself this is very unhealthy for us... was that my smack on the head?

Of course!

I'd certainly not want details of the previous weddings of someone. I mean, if he wanted to tell me, great - but otherwise, I'd trust that if anything were to be too similar to what happened before, he'd suggest we do whatever that was differently and that would be that.
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Old 6th June 2004, 12:19 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally posted by moimeme
I mean, if he wanted to tell me, great - but otherwise, I'd trust that if anything were to be too similar to what happened before, he'd suggest we do whatever that was differently and that would be that.
Oh- to be able to view it that way!!! I am trying...I think I can ..I think I can...I KNOW I can do it!
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Old 6th June 2004, 1:03 AM   #9
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Remember, under stress, our idiosyncracies become stronger, so give yourself a break and don't worry if you feel like you are "slipping" backwards a little, it'll all return to normal when it's all over
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Old 6th June 2004, 1:13 AM   #10
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Thanks A.G.

I'm having fun working on my messages in a bottle, invites anyway! We were out on the beach yesterday, taking photos of our names written in the sand in a heart, because we are going to put a photo like that under the writing. I love creating things.
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Old 6th June 2004, 2:15 AM   #11
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Are you planning to get married at the beach?
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Old 6th June 2004, 4:18 AM   #12
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In an island chapel by the beach in Fiji!
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Old 6th June 2004, 5:35 AM   #13
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Try looking at it this way: since they definetely didn't have their wedding on an isle, there are little chances of your marriage resembeling in any aspect to his first one, haha!

I think every woman is different when it comes to reacting in a situation like this. It simply is very hard to believe that one would simply not ask, given your case-being the second marriage. I know it is a slippery slope, with your disease and everything, but this is very big. I simply can't imagine a woman telling the truth and saying

I'd certainly not want details of the previous weddings of someone especially if that someone is your future husband.

Right, there are limits, in knowing details... Maybe it's only my own insecurities...

Oh well, since we do have the courage to face them, I think the problem is halfway solved
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Old 6th June 2004, 5:53 AM   #14
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I simply can't imagine a woman telling the truth and saying

I'd certainly not want details of the previous weddings of someone especially if that someone is your future husband.


Well stretch your imagination, then. I would not have said it if it were not true. I can't for the life of me figure out why someone would want to know. The past is the past and a lot of us have no interest in dwelling there when the future beckons so persuasively.

Not everybody thinks exactly the same as you. This is a helpful piece of information to carry with you.
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Old 6th June 2004, 6:01 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by CurlyIam


I think every woman is different when it comes to reacting in a situation like this.

Right, there are limits, in knowing details... Maybe it's only my own insecurities...

Oh well, since we do have the courage to face them, I think the problem is halfway solved
MAybe you don't read my posts entirely .
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