How do I stop being cheap?

[pies]

Hi everyone. I'm a 21 y/o girl who is in need of some uhmmm help.

 

Yeeeears ago I used to have a crush on a very very very stingy guy, and he always criticized if someone spent money on something. He was in my class and when school made trips somewhere, since we were friends, he would always criticize me if I bought a souvenir or a postcard... ANYTHING. I think this left some impression on me because ever since I became very cheap when it comes to other people.

 

I mean, I have no problem in buying a $40 jacket for myself but if I have to pay $5 for a drink for my date it annoys me (I don't mind going dutch though). I need to change, because it's true that I am not really wealthy, but sometimes when I'm hanging with family and my mother offers to pay with HER money and treat my cousins, I become irritated and I start counting money in my head. It's really unpleasant and my mother always tells me not to be so stingy, and she is right. I can't help being cheap and being very conscious of money but I don't wanna be like this, like that boy I used to like. Come on, I always hated his stinginess. Why did I become like him? I would like to be more like my mom, she's always so generous.

 

What can I do to improve myself? I sound like the worst girl ever lol.

[amaysngrace]

Volunteer your time somewhere. It costs nothing but you're still being generous.

 

Times are tough all over. There's nothing wrong with watching your spending. Even rich people do that. A lot of times, it's how they've become rich.

[pies]

Volunteer your time somewhere. It costs nothing but you're still being generous.

 

Times are tough all over. There's nothing wrong with watching your spending. Even rich people do that. A lot of times, it's how they've become rich.

 

I don't mind volunteering with my time, actually! The problem is money+people. I think I wouldn't mind... for example, sending $10 a month to a organisation. But I do mind paying a single dollar for someone else as in... if a friend asks for a dollar it irritates me, or if I have to pay more than X dollars for my date it annoys me. Or if they know I'm treating and they order soda instead of water. I become annoyed and can't help it!!

[amaysngrace]

I don't mind volunteering with my time, actually! The problem is money+people. I think I wouldn't mind... for example, sending $10 a month to a organisation. But I do mind paying a single dollar for someone else as in... if a friend asks for a dollar it irritates me, or if I have to pay more than X dollars for my date it annoys me. Or if they know I'm treating and they order soda instead of water. I become annoyed and can't help it!!

 

Don't volunteer to treat then and if someone needs a dollar tell them they need to pay you back or flat out tell them no.

 

Don't give anything to anybody if it causes resentment. That's missing the whole point of giving.

 

I meant volunteering your time, not donating your money btw.

[pies]

Don't volunteer to treat then and if someone needs a dollar tell them they need to pay you back or flat out tell them no.

 

Don't give anything to anybody if it causes resentment. That's missing the whole point of giving.

 

I meant volunteering your time, not donating your money btw.

 

I understood what you meant, but I want to get to the issue, not avoid it. As in, I want to learn how to give and not expect anything back if that is possible. I want to learn how to enjoy being generous!

[amaysngrace]

Do you have the money to be generous? If you do go visit a gift shop and pick out a present for your mom.

 

It doesn't have to be expensive since its the thought that counts. And check out the sale section first. Doing that doesn't make you cheap...it makes you smart.

 

But if there is nothing in that section for your mom, go ahead and buy her something and pay full price. After all....she IS your mom.

[pies]

Do you have the money to be generous? If you do go visit a gift shop and pick out a present for your mom.

 

It doesn't have to be expensive since its the thought that counts. And check out the sale section first. Doing that doesn't make you cheap...it makes you smart.

 

But if there is nothing in that section for your mom, go ahead and buy her something and pay full price. After all....she IS your mom.

 

Uhm... I don't actually have money like that. Let's see... If I have to go somewhere my mom will offer to give me money, say 15 dollars. If I am going out with my boyfriend and dinner for two is let's say... 14 dollars, I have enough money and my mom might even have told me to treat him for dinner since he drives me home and everything. Well, instead of treating him I will go dutch or avoid paying for the whole dinner. Just because I am cheap, not because I don't have enough money.

 

I don't mind buying stuff for my mother or letting her buy stuff because it stays at home. I don't know if you know what I mean. If I were working and I had a salary and lived with my boyfriend I wouldn't mind paying for his dinner since he lives with me. I think that if I had my own salary I wouldn't mind paying for his dinner even if we didn't live together? Maybe what I am actually worried about is the fact that money is from my parents.

 

I will look for a job next summer and see how I feel.

[amaysngrace]

If the money is your moms money and she tells you how to spend it then you should listen to her.

 

Especially if you're saving it to buy drugs.

[pies]

If the money is your moms money and she tells you how to spend it then you should listen to her.

 

Especially if you're saving it to buy drugs.

 

What drugs? I don't do drugs...

[amaysngrace]

What drugs? I don't do drugs...

 

Just checking.

 

Yea go spend the money she gives you the way she asks you to spend it.

 

As for doing math in your head to count money, I do that too.

[josie54]

I understood what you meant, but I want to get to the issue, not avoid it. As in, I want to learn how to give and not expect anything back if that is possible. I want to learn how to enjoy being generous!

 

My advice is to allot a set amount of money each week or each month that you must give away no matter what. Make it $1 or $5 or $10...small enough that you can "practice generosity" in a way that's affordable, but big enough to allow to you feel that sense of loss when that money goes.

 

Each week put that money aside in a special "giveaway" envelope or wallet. And then, by the end of the week, make sure you've given it away to SOMEBODY. If you've run out of week and you still haven't given it away, buy someone coffee, stop the first person you see on the street and hand it to them, or give it to a homeless person, or, if necessary, leave it on a park bench for someone else to find and walk away.

 

Here's another way to practice generosity: Find your favorite charity that has an automatic donation plan. Charities such as Kiva.org allow you to give microloans of $25 to entrepreneurs in developing countries. Care.org and Keepachildalive.org help mothers and children in developing countries. Heifer International buys livestock to help people feed their families. The list goes on and one. A local food kitchen or foster care organization might need regular donations. Pick one and put yourself on an automatic donation of $5 or $10 a month. They'll just draw it from your credit card or bank account and you won't have to think about it. But every time you see it on your statement, you'll know you've given some money away to a good cause, and you'll be able to flex that genosity muscle a little more each time.

 

Expect to feel some pain with this. There will be a pinch, I'm sure. But if you commit to giving that small amount away every week, then you can prepare yourself for the anxiety (or whatever emotion it is you feel), and just give yourself permission to feel it. But the important thing is to set the amount and give it, no matter what.

 

As to wanting to "enjoy being generous," I have come to believe that such enjoyment doesn't come as easily to some people as others. People always talk about volunteering and how "you get more than you give" and how it makes you feel so good to do so. That has never been my experience. I've tried planting trees, teaching children to read, working with Habitat for Humanity. I stuck with one volunteering gig for nearly three years waiting to feel good about it. But it never makes me feel good! It always makes me feel drained and sometimes guilty of my good fortune. I never look forward to going back.

 

As you can guess, I don't volunteer for stuff very often. But around once a year, I make myself do it, because that's what we must do to keep the world running. And I mention this only to say that you don't have to enjoy giving time or money away. Just do it, and take whatever emotions that you have and let them go. It's not about how good you feel; it's about the fact that you're making someone else's day brighter. That can be enough of a reason to do it.

[pteromom]

I'm wondering if the stinginess you are feeling isn't really stinginess at all, but your gut warning that someone is taking advantage of you or others?

 

In the case of buying a guy a $5 drink... why were you buying him a drink? Did he also contribute money to the date? Did you feel resentful that you were spending $5 on him for some reason?

 

In the case of your cousins... do your cousins ever treat? Does your mom tend to always be the giver and people take from her and she just keeps giving?

 

If there are reasons you'd feel "stingy" in these situations, you may have good reason to feel this way, and perhaps nothing is wrong with you at all.

 

Giving in the right way feels wonderful. When you can give something you have to someone who needs it, and they appreciate it, it feels great. But when you give to someone and they just take, take, take, it doesn't feel great.

 

So...

 

If you want to start feeling great about giving, just start doing it. In the drive-through line, pay for the car behind you. Buy a meal and drink and give it to a homeless person. Donate blood. If you know of a special candy or flowers or treat that a friend or family member loves, surprise them with it.

 

And make GIVING just part of your personality. Give compliments. Give smiles. Give high-fives.

 

Share yourself, and when you see how good it feels, you'll want to do it. BUT - always trust your gut and don't let someone take advantage of your generosity. Balance is key.

[NailBiter]

It's better to be cheap and have money than to be dumb and spend money you don't have. There is nothing wrong with being cheap if you're poor. I know far too many people like you that are far into debt just because they worry about being perceived as cheap. They are the worst. On the other hand I know a lot of people that don't care about being perceived as cheap that are in a much better financial situation. When you grow up and get a job then you can start spending $5 here and there without feeling guilty. For now, don't go around throwing your money away. If you want to give you can give your time. To a friend, a charity, an animal, a cause, a hobby, ANYTHING. Don't be stupid with money.

Edited August 16, 2012 by NailBiter