I've come a long way, but gotten nowhere

[Red Arremer]

Hey, so it's been a long time since I've posted in these forums but I feel like I've hit the wall again so I figured I'd try to get other people's perspectives on it.

 

The last time I posted here, I don't remember when it was exactly but my life was pretty crummy. I was going through pretty severe depression, I was unsure of myself, I didn't have many friends and didn't have a life outside of work (which, coincidentally, I hated), etc. Since then I've made decent progress on a lot of that. I started working out, and although I don't do it as often as I'd like I've still managed to lose about 10 pounds and slim up a bit. I've made a couple new friends and I'm doing things outside of work a little bit more often than I was before. My depression is still there from time to time but I'm working through it, and I'm even starting to accept various things about myself (like my appearance, the fact that I have mostly "nerdy" interests, etc.). Long story short, while I'm not completely happy with myself or my life quite yet, I feel like I'm on the road to where getting there seems possible now, whereas it didn't the last time I was posting here.

 

Despite all that though, I still feel completely hopeless when it comes to dating. I haven't been in anything that could pass for a relationship in over two years, I haven't been on a date in over a year, and I haven't even been in a situation where there is the possibility of getting a date at all in about that long. Despite the fact that I'm starting to get more comfortable with myself and all that, I just don't meet women, ever. One of the drawbacks of having nerdy hobbies it seems is that everything you do is a sausage party, and the few women that do show up to these things are ALWAYS taken.

 

But, that's not even really what I'm bummed about. I mean, that sucks, but whatever, I suppose I could always suck it up and try dating women I don't really relate to or something. What bums me out is the fact that even if I was meeting women to date, I would have no idea how to get or maintain a relationship, or even really just how to behave around women for that matter. I had the world's most dysfunctional family growing up - my mom has had five(!!) failed marriages, and my dad is on his second marriage himself. Nobody else in my life has really ever had a successful relationship either. I've never even been around a healthy relationship in my life, so naturally I've never learned how to get or maintain one. I've had two things that someone could possibly call "relationships" in my life, and they were both 2-3 week ordeals that were pretty much doomed from the very beginning and were awful drama bombs from the very beginning to the very end. I've never seen different, and I don't know any different. I'm pretty much socially retarded when it comes to dating and relationships because I don't have a reference for how a successful relationship is supposed to go, and I don't see how I can change that. I feel like this is something a guy has to learn when he's young, and I'm 30. My ship has pretty much sailed, I think.

 

Not that really any of this matters anyway, because I don't really even know if I want a relationship at this point except for the fact that a relationship probably means I'd be having sex more than once every two years. If prostitution was legal where I live I'd probably just do that instead, since I have way more money than social skills and dealing with any stigma from that would be easier than trying to obtain a bunch of social skills that would be impossible for me to obtain at this point in my life. (Preemptive note: Any posts about how hiring escorts is "enabling a destructive lifestyle" will be ignored, thanks in advance.) But... it's not, so here I am.

 

So, I guess I just wanted to vent. I'd ask for advice, but I honestly feel like there's nothing that can help me at this point. Hopefully this doesn't deter me from trying to improve my life, because the nagging feeling of "why am I bothering to do any of this?" has really started in lately and even though the progress I've made in my life to this point is basically pointless it's still progress, right? :\

[Exit]

If you can't meet women in your current social circles then you'll just have to take the leap to online dating. That's the main reason people do it, nobody is thrilled about having a dating profile online, when you can't meet people in person because you finding anyone when you go out, that's what it's there for.

 

Next I'm going to call you out somewhat, only because I have a terrible habit of making excuses in my life to remove responsibility from myself and I sense some of that going on here. When you started talking about your dysfunctional parents and how you have no idea what to do in relationships, my BS radar started going off a little bit. Not that you were intentionally lying to the people who were going to read this, but moreso that you are internally lying to yourself. It's kind of a contradiction to say you know a lot about bad relationships, and then say you don't know how to have a good one. Draw conclusions from the things that you know which DON'T make for a good relationship and work from there. It's like saying you know cigarettes can cause cancer. On the other hand you may not know how to cure cancer but you know not smoking would help. What caused your parents to need multiple marriages? Why have your previous relationships not lasted long? I'm sure you have some idea what makes for a good relationship. I only think you're being dishonest in the sense that I think this gives you more ammunition to stay in your comfort zone and away from your fear of not-getting-it-right with women, not calling you a liar for the sake of insulting you. For example I've been struggling with my weight and I have read more books and watched more movies about how to be healthy than I can count. I'm practically an expert. I know what I need to do if I wanted to lose weight. But you know what's easier? Perpetuating the lie that "I don't know what to do" or "I've already tried everything". I'm the type of person where I try not to preach to people unless I recognize them on a road where I've already found myself, so that's the only reason I wanted to push you a little bit after reading what you wrote, because you sound like me. I'm sure you could manage to have a healthy relationship or if you really feel that clueless go buy a book about how communication and respect should work in a relationship.

 

But then you go on to say that you're not even sure you want a relationship at this point aside from the physical aspect, in which case you're looking more to just hook up than to have a girlfriend right now, which again, with the right amount of luck and effort, you can find someone in person or online who may be interested in the same low commitment level. It's perfectly acceptable on dating websites to have your profile say you aren't looking for anything serious right now.

 

Be proud of the improvements you've made so far it sucks when you only look forward in life and think about what you don't have yet. Don't rob yourself from the credit of knowing that you are feeling better than you did the last time you were posting here.

[Red Arremer]

But then you go on to say that you're not even sure you want a relationship at this point aside from the physical aspect, in which case you're looking more to just hook up than to have a girlfriend right now, which again, with the right amount of luck and effort, you can find someone in person or online who may be interested in the same low commitment level. It's perfectly acceptable on dating websites to have your profile say you aren't looking for anything serious right now.

I don't disagree with any of this, it's just that this "right amount" of luck and effort is basically infinity for both. I'm not hot enough to get in on the initial snap judgment, and if I have to progress to the "getting to know you" stage I'm basically done immediately. Good times.

[CopingGal]

 

Next I'm going to call you out somewhat, only because I have a terrible habit of making excuses in my life to remove responsibility from myself and I sense some of that going on here. When you started talking about your dysfunctional parents and how you have no idea what to do in relationships, my BS radar started going off a little bit.

 

I disagree. Having grown up with parents that are dysfunctional can really, really screw you up when it comes to relationships. It's like...things don't feel right, but you dont' know why...you don't grasp it, you don't get it.

 

I have had many psychology classes and therapy and so I was able to finally, finally recognize things and pull myself out. But for the longest time, I just could not. My mom NEVER did and stayed in a dysfunctional marriage until my dad passed away. I wonder if I had not had all of this training, would I have stayed in the relationship with my recent ex, trying to make it better when my ex didn't even want me, although he kept pumping me with lies that he loved me.

 

I know enough to try to break the cycle now. I know enough about how a man should treat me. But for years...I simply did not know and that is the truth. I thought all I needed for a relationship was someone to like me, and I liked him. And anything else, as long as it was not extreme, like he was a robber or something, I would simply put up with . Not so. I am very luck that not all of my boyfriends were terrible. Some were very nice. But there was so much I didn't know. I didn't know disrespect and compulsive lying were deal breakers. Probably because my father was that way.

 

I know that now.

Edited July 13, 2012 by CopingGal