How I Learned to Manage My Desire of Having a Girlfriend

[Teknoe]

This post and thread is for all guys out there who are or were like me. All my life all I've wanted is one special girl to be there for me. I've only been in one relationship my life (that lasted 7 months), and I've had plenty of female friends I've grown quite close to, but they either were taken or emotionally unavailable.

 

I was most recently rejected by 3 girls in 13 months. Each of them I confessed my feelings after our friendship had developed along some months, and each of them said sorry they only saw me as a friend.

 

I realized enough was enough. What was I doing here? Where were my priorities in life? Yes, I desire having a GF, but obviously the way I was going about it was wrong.

 

Recently, I had a semi-rejection. I was getting closer with this lady friend, but before it could get super close she gently redirected me to a guy friend of hers. It was the final straw for me. From that moment I decided it was time to stop obsessing over girls and start working on me.

 

I cannot explain to you the peace I now feel as a single person. I'm loving this season of my life! In fact, recently I went out on a big trip with that very girl I liked, in a big group setting, and I wasn't tripping one bit. I enjoyed nature instead, and enjoyed being who God made me to be. It was such a big difference compared to the past where I would obsess and analyze my actions and my crush's actions (or lack thereof) to death. It was LIBERATING!

 

I dunno how this may encourage anyone, but I hope it does in some small way. Nowadays I read, relax, watch movies, work out, hang out with platonic friends, go on trips, run, set little goals for myself to accomplish, focusing more on my career (which I have so badly disregarded in the past due to my chasing crushes), basically, having a good attitude and outlook on life, ENJOYING my life and taking pleasure in the smallest things (i.e. a beautiful day, a quiet Saturday night at home playing a game, reading a book or watching a movie, a phone call with an old friend, etc.)

 

Do I still desire a GF? Of course. But I know NOW IS NOT the time. What I'm doing is preparing myself for the future. And I hope this inspires you somehow to at least examine your own life/choices in some deep meaningful way.

[Teknoe]

Just to follow up in a more "clear picture" way, here is what happened to me that started the winds of change:

 

1. Hit rock bottom

Was rejected by 3 girls within the span of 13 months. Latest crush gently redirected me to other resources. It was time to finally get a clue for myself

 

2. Humbled myself

I realized I wasn't the hot stuff guy I once thought I was. Obviously, I needed to take a mental break away from all this girl chasing and fantasizing. To do this, you really have to humble yourself and say "Damn, I'm not THAT good. Time to chill." Not in a CONDEMNING way. But in a healthy "come to terms" sort of way. People who refuse to humble themselves just keep repeating the same patterns of doom. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy

 

3. Slowly began to see life through new lenses

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally... I took better care of myself in these areas. I reached out more to friends. I spend my alone time reading or watching a movie. I go on trips with friends. I really gave up the desire to find a girl RIGHT NOW.

 

4. With that came peace, and with peace came CONFIDENCE

I am so much more confident today than I was last year. I'm making silly, random funny conversations with cashiers and clerks for instance. Things that I never really did before. Friends have noticed too that my confidence has spiked, and that is because I finally have peace BEING SINGLE. I don't come off so desperate anymore, or if I don't have a girl I'm not good enough.

 

5. Liberation

Just happy and excited for this time in my life. I may no longer be that 21 year old young puppy, but I'm excited because I've allowed myself to come to a point where positive energy flows and positive change can actually occur. I still want a GF, but it's not on my mind much anymore. I know I still need to work on some things before I'm ready for a serious relationship that would march toward marriage.

 

I just wish every other guy in similar shoes would adopt this model, or something similar, to where they can experience inner healing themselves, and have big breakthroughs. Guys, you owe it to yourself, and you also owe it to your future wife. Today and these years are the time to prep ourselves for the future. What you do today affects tomorrow!

 

So quit obsessing over the past and even the future. Enjoy the present.

[Cracker Jack]

Good read. And sorry about the rejections. You're handling your life pretty well.

 

I have an "obsession" with finding a girlfriend as well. Thing is, it varies day-by-day and I don't know why. But a question: do you think being on the computer too much slows down the process for some people? I'm actually referring to myself here.

 

I ask that because whenever I read about a topic about healthy relationships, or being 23 with no experience sucks, and other sorts of things, I often feel down about my current position. Sometimes I try not to read certain things, but you know, the curiosity wins.

[USMCHokie]

Thanks for this post, bro. It certainly helps.

[Teknoe]

Good read. And sorry about the rejections. You're handling your life pretty well.

 

I have an "obsession" with finding a girlfriend as well. Thing is, it varies day-by-day and I don't know why. But a question: do you think being on the computer too much slows down the process for some people? I'm actually referring to myself here.

 

I ask that because whenever I read about a topic about healthy relationships, or being 23 with no experience sucks, and other sorts of things, I often feel down about my current position. Sometimes I try not to read certain things, but you know, the curiosity wins.

 

 

Funny you mentioned this. Wow. Very ironic.

 

You see, I used to spend HOURS every day posting AND reading up on dating posts. Here. Over at Plentyoffish. I would ask a girl this, that, that, this. It was totally unhealthy.

 

Nowadays, I only view 2 boards on LoveShack: Friendship (because I have a 12,000+ view thread there that I check to see if anyone else replies in) and right here (mostly to TRY to help out an internet buddy of sorts, SomeDude81). I almost cancelled my LS account, but I always want to check up on SomeDude81 and see how he's doing, and if he's OK. I always feel like if I give up on him, I will be like most others. I don't want to give up on him. I know God hasn't, for sure. But he needs to understand that.

 

Anyway, I think obsessing definitely includes reading and talking about a subject. That's why I don't do the whole Dating board thing anymore. It's just nonsense, honestly. And it's unhealthy. I have found asking ?'s about how to do this or that romantically only makes things worse. Because you need to trust your gut, not what strangers are saying when it comes to dating.

[Teknoe]

Thanks for this post, bro. It certainly helps.

 

Great! You're most welcomed

I've been there, it's not easy, but it definitely helps to hear from others who have found solutions to escape the madness of the same doomed patterns over and over again. It is a process.

[Cracker Jack]

Funny you mentioned this. Wow. Very ironic.

 

You see, I used to spend HOURS every day posting AND reading up on dating posts. Here. Over at Plentyoffish. I would ask a girl this, that, that, this. It was totally unhealthy.

 

Nowadays, I only view 2 boards on LoveShack: Friendship (because I have a 12,000+ view thread there that I check to see if anyone else replies in) and right here (mostly to TRY to help out an internet buddy of sorts, SomeDude81). I almost cancelled my LS account, but I always want to check up on SomeDude81 and see how he's doing, and if he's OK. I always feel like if I give up on him, I will be like most others. I don't want to give up on him. I know God hasn't, for sure. But he needs to understand that.

 

Anyway, I think obsessing definitely includes reading and talking about a subject. That's why I don't do the whole Dating board thing anymore. It's just nonsense, honestly. And it's unhealthy. I have found asking ?'s about how to do this or that romantically only makes things worse. Because you need to trust your gut, not what strangers are saying when it comes to dating.

 

I see. And that's more reason why I need to chill and not read so much dating "advice" and other things. Glad you didn't cancel your account; people like you are valued around here.

[Imageiko]

From that moment I decided it was time to stop obsessing over girls and start working on me.

 

I cannot explain to you the peace I now feel as a single person. I'm loving this season of my life!

 

This is a great realization well done. Don't close yourself off to women with this new inner focus though, use your newly gained confidence to get back out there and remember in the end if you get rejected its no big deal because of all the progress you've made working on you.

[somedude81]

I applaud you getting over your desire to have a girlfriend.

 

My question is, how strong was that desire? Say on a 1-10 scale what number? Where is it now?

 

No offense but 3 girls in a year isn't that much. And I'm not talking about random girls one asks out without even knowing. So far I'm at five, and I figure I'll get rejected by about three more by the time this semester ends. I need to do a little more recon on L and M to find out if there is a point in asking them out.

 

I realized I wasn't the hot stuff guy I once thought I was.

Hmm, it takes a certain amount of confidence/cockiness to think that one is hot stuff.

I reached out more to friends. I spend my alone time reading or watching a movie. I go on trips with friends. I really gave up the desire to find a girl RIGHT NOW.

Why did you give up on the desire?

I know I still need to work on some things before I'm ready for a serious relationship that would march toward marriage.

March toward marriage? Is that how you see dating? Your next GF could be your wife? Is that why you think you're not ready to have a GF? And you actually mentioned future wife.

[Teknoe]

that's more reason why I need to chill and not read so much dating "advice" and other things. Glad you didn't cancel your account; people like you are valued around here.

 

Yeah, I glanced at the Dating board just now and shake my head. I used to waste hours a day reading it and posting there. None of it helped me, and I believe it actually made me worse because I was so obsessive about it. Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad I didn't cancel either. LoveShack is not inherently a bad place, it just depends on how one uses it. Me, I'll stick to this board and the Friendship one. Maybe General too. But Dating? That's just a hot mess I'll avoid from now on.

 

 

This is a great realization well done. Don't close yourself off to women with this new inner focus though, use your newly gained confidence to get back out there and remember in the end if you get rejected its no big deal because of all the progress you've made working on you.

 

Oh, I'm not closed off on women 100%, trust me. But right now I see no one that jumps out at me, and I know I still got some maturing to do. No rush.

 

 

I applaud you getting over your desire to have a girlfriend.

 

My question is, how strong was that desire? Say on a 1-10 scale what number? Where is it now?

 

I would love nothing more than to see you get over your desire of having a GF as well. That is when healing can take place.

 

Man, my desire to have a GF was off the charts. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being I NEED A GF NOW!! I'd give the old me an 11. I daydreamed about a GF since my ex broke up with me years and years ago. I developed crushes at an alarming rate. Girls was just always on my mind.

 

Right now, my desire is probably around a 6. I really calmed down, and friends are SHOCKED. The other day I called a good buddy of mine and told him I had big news. When I came over, he asked if it involved a girl, I said no and he nearly fainted. In other words, I used to always talk about my latest crush. Now, I had other things going on other than girls. He couldn't believe it. Neither could I.

 

Now again, this is not to say I no longer desire having a GF. But I know there are still some things I need to do/learn in order to place myself in a good enough position to be ready for the right woman when she happens to come along.

 

 

No offense but 3 girls in a year isn't that much. And I'm not talking about random girls one asks out without even knowing.

 

Oh, I was quite close with 2 of them, and SUPER SUPER close with the 3rd one. 1st rejection was on my birthday (and you thought your 30th sucked). 2nd rejection was online. And 3rd rejection broke me... I put all my hopes in the 3rd crush.

 

You can't pin all your hopes and happiness on a girl, man. You just can't.

 

 

Hmm, it takes a certain amount of confidence/cockiness to think that one is hot stuff.

 

I really thought I was hot stuff. I had to humble myself and come to terms with my flaws and shortcomings. This is something I hope you will do for yourself as well.

 

 

Why did you give up on the desire?

 

Not give up the desire, more like I stored my desires away until I know I mature a little more. I still have the desire, but I finally hit my breaking point. It's no use trying now. I still got things to work on. Hey, what I was doing before obviously wasn't working. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. My 3rd rejection led me to realize... it was time to stop obsessing over girls, and learn to enjoy/love myself first. If I don't learn to genuinely love me for me, how can I expect a girl to love me?

 

 

March toward marriage? Is that how you see dating? Your next GF could be your wife? Is that why you think you're not ready to have a GF? And you actually mentioned future wife.

 

Marriage is the ultimate goal for me. I don't see any other reason to date. Some people like to just screw around. I do not. I see dating as a means to see if two people are compatible enough for marriage down the road. I want my next GF to become my wife one day. As soon as I realize that is not possible, the relationship would end.

 

I know I'm not ready for a GF right now because I ask myself would I be ready to marry her in, say, one year's time? The key is building your foundation. Being whole and complete and healthy by yourself. Hopefully you find another whole, complete, healthy person. Then you two form a partnership. I'm just trying to get whole, complete as possible and healthy before I jump into a serious relationship.

 

I know we have different perspectives, SD81. But I don't see dating as just something casual and short-term. I see it as a means to marriage, and anything less, the relationship should end sooner rather than later.

 

Maybe I'm just an old-school kind of guy, though. I want my next GF to be my last GF, and my first and last wife, as well. I desire a GF still, but now I'm not obsessing over it. You really have to humble yourself and think selflessly here. By preparing yourself, you're actually doing your future wife a huge favor! Because somewhere out there, your future wife is PREPARING FOR A HUSBAND LIKE YOU.

 

That's why I say you owe it to your future wife to quit obsessing over girls and instead to work on your foundation as a healthy, whole man who can protect, provide and lead.

[somedude81]

Man, my desire to have a GF was off the charts. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being I NEED A GF NOW!! I'd give the old me an 11. I daydreamed about a GF since my ex broke up with me years and years ago. I developed crushes at an alarming rate. Girls was just always on my mind.

OK, so pretty much how I am.

 

Right now, my desire is probably around a 6. I really calmed down, and friends are SHOCKED. The other day I called a good buddy of mine and told him I had big news. When I came over, he asked if it involved a girl, I said no and he nearly fainted. In other words, I used to always talk about my latest crush. Now, I had other things going on other than girls. He couldn't believe it. Neither could I.

So now you have a "normal" desire.

Now again, this is not to say I no longer desire having a GF. But I know there are still some things I need to do/learn in order to place myself in a good enough position to be ready for the right woman when she happens to come along.

More on that later.

 

Oh, I was quite close with 2 of them, and SUPER SUPER close with the 3rd one. 1st rejection was on my birthday (and you thought your 30th sucked). 2nd rejection was online. And 3rd rejection broke me... I put all my hopes in the 3rd crush.

I moved to SoCal and started college here in the fall of 2008. Since then I've been utterly crushed by four girls. Two of them I considered to be my best friend at the time I knew them. In addition I've been rejected by about seven other girls that I knew well enough at the time to talk with them at least every week.

 

I really thought I was hot stuff. I had to humble myself and come to terms with my flaws and shortcomings. This is something I hope you will do for yourself as well.

Yeah...cause of my depression, I think I'm a steaming pile of sh*t. I absolutely hate myself. The last thing I need to is become humble.

 

Not give up the desire, more like I stored my desires away until I know I mature a little more. I still have the desire, but I finally hit my breaking point. It's no use trying now.

So you gave up.

 

If I don't learn to genuinely love me for me, how can I expect a girl to love me?

Sorry, that sounds like something you'd grab from a book of quotes.

 

Marriage is the ultimate goal for me. I don't see any other reason to date.

And that's why you keep saying that I'm not ready to have a relationship.

 

Just so we're at an understanding, I'm not dating to find a wife. I have no intention of marrying my first GF. Maybe it will happen, but I doubt it.

 

I want to gain experience and grow as a man. I want to finally experience life as it's meant to be.

 

Eventually a time will come where I'm ready to get married, but it's not going to be for at least several years.

[AHardDaysNight]

I don't understand how you can just "give up" on getting a girlfriend. How does that happen?

 

I have never kissed a girl, and my lips cry out for affection.

[cloud10]

I totally agree with working on yourself first. Yet I also realize life is short and I have the belief now that if you want something - you go get it or someone else will.

[Teknoe]

I moved to SoCal and started college here in the fall of 2008. Since then I've been utterly crushed by four girls. Two of them I considered to be my best friend at the time I knew them. In addition I've been rejected by about seven other girls that I knew well enough at the time to talk with them at least every week.

 

What is your definition of "best friend"? You considered them your best friend, but do you feel they considered YOU their best friend, as well?

 

For me, my 1st crush we went out on 4 dates. She later said she thought they were 1-on-1's between two friends (even though I paid about 60% of the time). I confessed my feelings on my birthday after she and I took a 1 on 1 hike early in the morning. The 2nd crush I saw every week and we started chatting online a lot. And the 3rd... we talked 2-3 hours EVERY DAY. In fact, we even went on a 2 week trip to Africa together, as part of a group of 11 young adults. She shared EVERYTHING with me, and I thought she might have been "the one." Turns out she was just hurting and needed a shoulder to cry on, and as usual, I was the "safe" guy she felt comfortable turning to. We used to chat until 3 AM in the morning...

 

From what you're telling me, it seems like you've been rejected 11 times since moving to SoCal in 2008. Now I understand the numbers game, the theory that if you ask enough women out, eventually one will say yes. But after so many rejections, don't you think it's actually healthy to stop and examine reasons as to maybe why? And then to start working on things YOU CAN CONTROL AND CHANGE?

 

In most cases, a "solid catch" doesn't get rejected by 11 single women in 3 years. Odds are, each of them saw moderate to severe shortcomings in your overall package. It's one thing if they rejected you after a date or two, but did you even go on any dates? If they rejected you without even considering going on a date with you, then that's a real sign to slow down and examine the things you need to work on. Don't you think at least considering it is a healthy thing? I mean, there is a reason 11 girls rejected you, and why another guy got a girlfriend on his first or second try.

 

 

Yeah...cause of my depression, I think I'm a steaming pile of sh*t. I absolutely hate myself. The last thing I need to is become humble.

 

No, it's actually the first thing you need to do. You're getting this all mixed up. Humbling yourself doesn't mean kicking your own face in, crying "Oh why am I not taller than 5'7"? Why do girls always reject me?" That's not humbling yourself. That's SELF-CONDEMNATION.

 

HEALTHY HUMBLING looks like this. And I'll use myself as an example.

 

When I finally reached my breaking point earlier this summer, here's how I humbled myself. I stepped back, examined my life and admitted these things:

 

1. I thought I was hot stuff because after being Christian 1 year, the church asked me to become the leader of a small group (small group is a group of 8-12 young adults who meet up once a week to discuss the Bible, pray for each other, basically hang out too). I figured wow, 1 year in, I was the bomb. People looked to me as a leader. People said I was "on fire" for God.

 

2. I had written a script for a play, acted in it, and directed it.

 

3. I had a major speaking role in a play that was performed to an audience of over 15,000 people

 

All of this got to my head. I realized though I had some major shortcomings

 

1. I still wasn't working full time. On my current salary, there's no way I could provide for my future wife. My career generally is in neutral right now, and I need to get it going. I've put it off so long because I would rather chase and fantasize after my latest crush. Like to be honest, I currently live at home because of my work situation. It's not something I'm proud of. And it's definitely not attractive to women who are looking to get married in the next year or two. It's OK when you're dealing with 19 year old girls. But with mid-late 20s it's a whole 'notha ball game.

 

2. I realized while I do have talents, I'm no more special or skilled than the next guy. It was a humbling reality. I knew I had to step back from chasing girls because the rest of my life was a little off balance.

 

So you see, humbling yourself is not negative, or self-condemnation. It's actually LIBERATING because you get to focus on your issues. It's like bringing your problems to the LIGHT, instead of denying it and keeping them stored away in the darkness, where it will always fester and come back to HAUNT YOU if you don't deal with it up front in the LIGHT.

 

 

So you gave up.

 

If you want to see it that way. I see it differently. Me, I see it as strategically putting off temporary desires for a chance at, one day, long term fulfillment.

 

 

Sorry, that sounds like something you'd grab from a book of quotes.

 

Haha, yeah, I know it's terribly cliched. Just like how most of the advice we give you sounds horribly cliched. Go to therapy, activity night, etc. But the truth is, there is a reason why they're called cliches. They're basic truths. And in my case, I really do have to learn to love and accept myself. Even with all my talents, I was hiding behind them and inside am insecure and not happy with who I am. I had/have to learn how to better love myself for myself, and not based on circumstances, especially circumstances revolving around how my latest chat with my latest crush went (i.e. good 2 hour chat I was super happy, a quick so-so 2 minute chat I would crash and be all depressed... sound familiar?)

 

 

And that's why you keep saying that I'm not ready to have a relationship.

 

I just see you're so obsessed about finding a GF, and I know that feeling. It consumes you. It becomes your #1, #2 and your #3 goal. It is simply not healthy. Now I'm not saying you should be perfect before you're ready to date. But obviously, mentally, you are not ready to date right now. Maybe when you learn to drop that 11 desire to an 8, you should think more about dating. I'm just saying at the rate you're going, it turns off girls (11 so far since 2008 right?) and you need to change your methods if you want to have a GF one day. All my guy friends I talk to tell me when they got with their current GF they weren't even trying, they were focused on their lives instead, and the girl came along and was extremely attracted because the guy had his PRIORITIES lined up. Girls want to come along FOR THE ADVENTURE! But when you make them #1, and you don't got much else to offer, well, that ain't much of an adventure, is it? I mean, it's not hard to grasp. I look at my guy friends and they're all working full time, have their own place, have their own circle of male friends (again, this is why I tell you having guy friends is important), they are active and leading in church, they don't idolize their GF, and many are on the path to marriage.

 

Obviously, they're doing something that works, and we aren't. I'm just trying to get there one day myself. And I realize, obsessing over girls is not the way to get there.

 

Just so we're at an understanding, I'm not dating to find a wife. I have no intention of marrying my first GF. Maybe it will happen, but I doubt it.

 

I want to gain experience and grow as a man. I want to finally experience life as it's meant to be.

 

OK sure. I think we understand each other now. I just hope you'll understand that the odds of you getting a GF *at all* in your present state of mind is slim to none. You're so intense with this desire that it scares off girls. You keep saying if only you could get a GF, then you could work on other things such as self-esteem or making more friends, or whatever. But it doesn't work that way. Self-esteem and friends come first, then the GF. I'm just concerned for your mental health because I think the way you're going about trying to find a GF is simply futile. I would cheer you on if you had some basic things going for you, like some male friends for instance that can support and keep you well-versed in life's different opportunities, but your life currently is focused on getting a GF. What do you have to offer to a girl? You're just putting yourself out there to get rejected, and that is not healthy.

[Teknoe]

I commend you for taking stock of your life, and developing new perspectives on life. However, I don't agree with the idea that relationships are superfluous, or are a bonus. I think that relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are something that all seek or desire, and doing as such is normal. We are social animals after all. Having a car, a computer, a TV set, or a mobile phone (or other normal possessions in contemporary society) are true bonuses since none are truly required for basic life, but none are begrudged as such.

 

Sure, I understand your viewpoint. You are free to live life the way you see fit, for me, this works, so I'm workin' it. You do what works for you. I'm not saying I've become a monk or anything. I still enjoy female friendships. I still interact with girls. But I'm no longer fantasizing or projecting wedding bells with any attractive girl that I come into contact with. I'm starting to see them as "Hey, she's just another girl" not "OMG COULD THIS BE THE ONE?!?!?!" (my previous, old mindset)

 

 

I don't understand how you can just "give up" on getting a girlfriend. How does that happen?

 

It happens when you finally come to grips that what you've been doing and how you're living your life just hasn't been working out. For different people it comes at different times. And I'm not giving up. I'm putting it away for the moment being knowing God wants me to focus on other things first before the right girl can come.

 

 

I totally agree with working on yourself first. Yet I also realize life is short and I have the belief now that if you want something - you go get it or someone else will.

 

True, true. You just have to be honest with yourself though, and ask yourself with a girl you're chasing are you truly ready? Or at least even halfway ready? It's hard enough to last when you're ready. But when you're not even halfway ready, there's zero chance it will last.

 

I'm in this to make it last. Right now, I ain't quite halfway there. So, it's not even a focus or priority. Of course, I'm keeping my eyes open, but now I know I shouldn't try until I mature a bit more. I have peace. And I think that's what each of us needs, regardless of whether you're waiting or wanting to get started with a girl right now.

 

DO YOU HAVE TRUE PEACE?

 

if you do, by all means, I say go for whatever makes you happy.

 

if you don't have peace, then that's a sign something's off balance, and you might want to stop obsessing over girls, go back to the drawing board. Girls aren't going to go extinct any time soon now. You have time to handle your business first. In fact, my friends tell me always it's 99.9% of the time when you're not obsessing, working on a better you, that the right girl suddenly comes along. It's a weird phenomenon, but so often true. Women can smell desperation a mile away. All my taken and married guy friends tell me they were just busy focusing on God, their career and their family when Ms. Right came along, and things just fell naturally into place, because the man had his own life, his own focus and his own sense of purpose. Sure, he wanted a woman to be with him for the ride, but did he NEED one? No. That attracted the woman.

 

Now many of them are married with kids.

 

Obviously, there is a formula that works, and one that doesn't. I'm now trying to focus on that which works. It's not a perfect formula, as there are always exceptions in life and to the rule, but generally speaking...

 

Works: Man has sense of identity, purpose in life, career in place, healthy male friends, wants a woman but doesn't NEED one

 

Doesn't work: Man doesn't really have sense of identity, hasn't really found a purpose or calling in life, no healthy male friends to speak of, NEEDS a woman to be happy

 

There's a reason the guys in the first group are taken, and a reason why guys in the second group are still searching frantically for the girl. And there's a reason why women hook up with guys in the first group, and reject those in the second group.

 

It's not rocket science here! It's quite simple. And if you're more in the 2nd group than the 1st, that's where you need to humble yourself and re-examine your priorities in life. Again, humbling oneself is NOT self-condemnation. It's coming to terms with your flaws and shortcomings in a healthy way that can lead you to experience breakthroughs in your life socially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

 

You can do what works for you (or doesn't work), ME, I know I'm currently in the 2nd group of guys, and I want to be in that 1st group, the group that experiences life to the fullest. Thus, I know it's time for me to slow down on girl obsession, and instead work on the things I CAN CONTROL in order to be in that 1st group of men who so often experiences success in career, family and relationship.

[fortyninethousand322]

 

True, true. You just have to be honest with yourself though, and ask yourself with a girl you're chasing are you truly ready? Or at least even halfway ready? It's hard enough to last when you're ready. But when you're not even halfway ready, there's zero chance it will last.

 

I'm in this to make it last. Right now, I ain't quite halfway there. So, it's not even a focus or priority. Of course, I'm keeping my eyes open, but now I know I shouldn't try until I mature a bit more. I have peace. And I think that's what each of us needs, regardless of whether you're waiting or wanting to get started with a girl right now.

 

DO YOU HAVE TRUE PEACE?

 

if you do, by all means, I say go for whatever makes you happy.

 

 

Obviously, there is a formula that works, and one that doesn't. I'm now trying to focus on that which works. It's not a perfect formula, as there are always exceptions in life and to the rule, but generally speaking...

 

Works: Man has sense of identity, purpose in life, career in place, healthy male friends, wants a woman but doesn't NEED one

 

Doesn't work: Man doesn't really have sense of identity, hasn't really found a purpose or calling in life, no healthy male friends to speak of, NEEDS a woman to be happy

 

There's a reason the guys in the first group are taken, and a reason why guys in the second group are still searching frantically for the girl. And there's a reason why women hook up with guys in the first group, and reject those in the second group.

 

 

 

How can you ever be "ready" to find love? You do realize we live in 2011 not 1911 right? Teenagers date, young college students, Ph.D. candidates, first year med students all date too. None of them are "firmly in place" with a career and a path in life.

 

If this works for you fine great, have fun with that. But this just sounds to me like passivity and just sitting back and accepting things the way they are.

 

Women aren't rejecting us because we don't have careers or a boat load of money. We lack a sexual/romantic vibe to the way we carry ourselves. Just look around at the type of guys who have girlfriends. How many of them have their lives figured out? Not too many.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm with Somedude81.

[somedude81]

How can you ever be "ready" to find love? You do realize we live in 2011 not 1911 right? Teenagers date, young college students, Ph.D. candidates, first year med students all date too. None of them are "firmly in place" with a career and a path in life.

 

If this works for you fine great, have fun with that. But this just sounds to me like passivity and just sitting back and accepting things the way they are.

 

Women aren't rejecting us because we don't have careers or a boat load of money. We lack a sexual/romantic vibe to the way we carry ourselves. Just look around at the type of guys who have girlfriends. How many of them have their lives figured out? Not too many.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm with Somedude81.

Cerridwen pointed out the exact same thing. By not giving off a sexual vibe, the girl will not be interested.

 

BTW Teknoe, I did read over your reply to me a couple of times. It's obvious we have very different goals and beliefs.

[fortyninethousand322]

Cerridwen pointed out the exact same thing. By not giving off a sexual vibe, the girl will not be interested.

 

Yup. I remember reading that. I really hope it's something that can be learned. Because since online dating, college, and social networking has failed for me, I really don't have too many tricks left in the bag. Actually I really have no tricks left, maybe luck.

[cerridwen]

Cerridwen pointed out the exact same thing. By not giving off a sexual vibe, the girl will not be interested.

 

BTW Teknoe, I did read over your reply to me a couple of times. It's obvious we have very different goals and beliefs.

 

YEAH! People should listen to cerridwen. That kid knows her stuff.

[cerridwen]

Cerridwen pointed out the exact same thing. By not giving off a sexual vibe, the girl will not be interested.

 

BTW Teknoe, I did read over your reply to me a couple of times. It's obvious we have very different goals and beliefs.

 

Double post!

Edited September 1, 2011 by cerridwen

[Teknoe]

Cerridwen pointed out the exact same thing. By not giving off a sexual vibe, the girl will not be interested.

 

BTW Teknoe, I did read over your reply to me a couple of times. It's obvious we have very different goals and beliefs.

 

Yes, we have different goals and beliefs.

 

Is it giving off a sexual vibe that attracts a girl, or a "confident I'm happy with who I am" attitude? I know the two may have some similarities..

[somedude81]

YEAH! People should listen to cerridwen. That kid knows her stuff.

"Hey it's cerridwen!"

 

*waves*

 

Is it giving off a sexual vibe that attracts a girl, or a "confident I'm happy with who I am" attitude? I know the two may have some similarities..

Both are similar, but the vibe seems to be more important.

 

A guy can be happy with his life doing his own thing. But unless he interacts with a girl in the necessary way, she won't get any feelings for him. Though she'll be more than happy becoming his friend.

 

I get the strong impression that women are more reactive then proactive. Meaning, it's the man who has to set the dynamics of what he wants, then the woman will act based on his actions and what she wants.

[Teknoe]

Both are similar, but the vibe seems to be more important.

 

A guy can be happy with his life doing his own thing. But unless he interacts with a girl in the necessary way, she won't get any feelings for him. Though she'll be more than happy becoming his friend.

 

I get the strong impression that women are more reactive then proactive. Meaning, it's the man who has to set the dynamics of what he wants, then the woman will act based on his actions and what she wants.

 

 

Hm, funny you mention this. As I said, I went on a trip with some friends very recently. I was totally care-free, cracking jokes and I noticed one girl was quite responsive to it. Whenever she looked at me she was all smiles and even leaning forward, which is a body language sign that she could be attracted. It's better than leaning away at least, LOL.

 

I dunno if I gave off a vibe of I like you though... it was just a relaxed, care-free vibe with humor... and she seemed really at ease around me. We would sustain eye contact and just talk and laugh. I wasn't even thinking of her as a potential GF... just treating her like a regular normal girl.

 

I think that's the key. Exhuding confidence and being comfortable in your own skin.

[betterdeal]

How can you ever be "ready" to find love? You do realize we live in 2011 not 1911 right? Teenagers date, young college students, Ph.D. candidates, first year med students all date too. None of them are "firmly in place" with a career and a path in life.

 

If this works for you fine great, have fun with that. But this just sounds to me like passivity and just sitting back and accepting things the way they are.

 

Women aren't rejecting us because we don't have careers or a boat load of money. We lack a sexual/romantic vibe to the way we carry ourselves. Just look around at the type of guys who have girlfriends. How many of them have their lives figured out? Not too many.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm with Somedude81.

 

Hmm. Accepting things the way they are doesn't mean resigning to everything staying the same. It means knowing your enemy, and that tends to be oneself 98.3% of the time. Sure, lots of people happily go into a relationship at all ages from puberty onwards. Good for them. This is more about what to do, or what Teknoe has done, in lieu of being one of those people.

 

It involves taking risks that you are clearly uncomfortable with, and all growth and advancement requires risk. Conversely, standing still creates a different type of risk, which I am sure you're aware of i.e. the risk of being left behind, of not realising the potential you saw in something, and of regret.

 

If getting a girlfriend / kiss / sex / cuddle / love letter / lover has proved fruitless for a long time, refocusing your efforts and attention on other relationships can help you improve your thinking, your actions and your outcomes elsewhere in your life, and you carry that surety from there into your love life. Get used to success. Success is the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the iceberg is all the grunt and sweat you put in to get success. The more you put in, the more you get out. Failures become learning experiences. Problems become challenges. It's weird, but it works. Just listen to any top athlete talk after coming second.

 

The attractive qualities you're thinking of are the primordial, bestial, emotive stuff that is at the core of you. You might be so used to suppressing it you've unfamiliar with it now. But you have to learn to channel it. What is it you want from a woman? What drives you to get a woman? Not some abstract notion like a family or kids or keeping up with the Jones' - no, it's something much more primitive at the core of you. You want her. You want to own her and belong to her. You want to make love to and love her. You are attracted to her because that's what you are.

 

Learning to channel that, hone it, get in touch with it, and learning how to enjoy as much of life as possible will make you more you. Become familiar with your self, your urges and how to learn how to satisfy them and you'll be onto a good thing.

 

And what do 99.14% of dating ads say women want? A genuine guy with a good sense of humour whose passionate about something. It's in in there, inside you, you just need to learn how to present it, live with it, feed it, honour it. And the only way to do that is to be it. Be genuine, be humorous, be passionate. Make your life better. Do that and you'll show her you are ready, willing and able to make hers better too.

 

You are your first project, your first client, your first recommendation, your first sale. When you find yourself in the bathroom in the morning thinking, "I'd do me", you'll be unstoppable.

[GoodOnPaper]

Do I still desire a GF? Of course. But I know NOW IS NOT the time. What I'm doing is preparing myself for the future. And I hope this inspires you somehow to at least examine your own life/choices in some deep meaningful way.

 

Impressive . . . it's rare for a guy to recognize that he must think in the long term while he's still young and single. I certainly wish that I could go back 20 years and tell my 20-something self not to panic and recognize that the qualities that made me come off too "nice", too "stable", and follow the rules a little "too much" can be long-term strengths even if they are short-term liabilities. At the time since I couldn't attract women, I thought that my "freedom" of being single was wasted. Now, I wish I had even an ounce of that freedom available to me.