on friday i had worked cleaning a house till 6:00p.m. i did not want to go out on halloween anyway because it was too cold.

we go out every other weekend and it was not our weekend to go out anyway..so i was kind of miffed about my boyfried using the excuse of taking me to some jobs this last week in exchange for us going out on halloween night.

so i was glad for the chance to complain and whine about it not wanting to go out when i got home so tired and hungry and cold from working so late.

when he agreed we'd go out the next night instead because i owed him basically for him running me around.

i thought oh good another night to get to bitch and whine about whatever.
another drama to continue with, lol.

anyway all this self reflection stuff really makes you think. sucks in a good way and a bad way.

so i wrote this poem about the nght (saturday) that we were suppose to go out to a halloween party, yes the day after but who cared.

i had a picture of my inner child kicking and screaming and whining and doing all her best to not go!

she whined and complained for hours on end that whole day....sublte yet direct...but very obvious to my inner trained ear that she was definitely going out kicking and screaming and ready to run away because she could not get her way.

geeesh what a brat she can be!
anyway i came up with the poem below to describe my inner turmoils at this night.

i seen my b'f walking through the kitchen and he looked to me so much like a little boy...i know he did not know what to say to me about going out..

i knew how much he wanted to and was looking forward to dressing up and having some fun.

i knew how much i was bringing him down, and making him feel so un eased about the whole thing and not knowing what to say to me about it.

he knew that i did not want to go out but he knew i had promised him too that we would...so i knew how torn he was between my wants and promises and his wants and having to put up with my whining..

anyway this is the poem...tell me if it makes sense please,i would like some opinios on it as it was such an eye opener for me.

also have been noticing this whining little me that is causing me some problems..funny how she can sneak into my head, that inner critic at the most un-oppertune times!

like a job interview, or driving or dressing up or wanting to change something then hearing her put me down and knock me out!

i've been doing a lot of internal yelling at her, to SHUT THE HELL UP!
hey it works...

here is my poem:

I watched you in the kitchen as you walked through. You looked so much like a little boy
that my heart just went out to you.
To know that I caused you such confusion and pain, to know that at all makes me feel insane.

Then later you confessed you did not know what to do,
should you not forego your wants and desires and let me be mad at your desire.

I saw in me a bad little girl, one who felt so out of control.
I saw her in the midst of my confusion not knowing what was the delusion.

She was begging me to tell you no, she did not want to go.
Yet there is the midst of the turmoil in my mind, I did not want to tell you no.

Such a pull of the opposites, I wanted to only stop all of it.
Who could win in my head without you having to feel such dread?

Still in my mind the tension continued, I only wanted to end it with you.
I thought to myself that if I left you to your desires then the better you would be
Instead of having to fight with fire.

The little brat that was taking control, could not let me go!
She wanted her rights her freedom not to be taken…

This picture of opposites left me so shaken….
Scared and unsure of who could win..

The struggle continued down under my own skin.

Which one would win?
The little girl me or not?..

I was able to gain some control of that scared little person
Who needs to control…

Control to feel safe, that she has her own rights.
Safe to feel that it was okay to go out that night…

We had a good time that was all that had mattered.
I wanted you to know that the girl I did splatter.

If you can make sense of this then you are doing great..
If not, don’t worry cause some of it is just fate..

[moimeme]

Zingy - it sounds like you're getting a handle on what part is turmoil and what part is sensible! Very cool.

anyway all this self reflection stuff really makes you think. sucks in a good way and a bad way.

You are so right! You have to dig through the issues and the hassles and difficulties and relive some junk but it usually ends up more than worth it.

Does your guy discuss these issues with you? Can you go to him when you're working on this stuff? I'm asking, because if you haven't let him in on much, this poem might not go down well. On the other hand, if he's familiar with your musings, it's great. Keep on keeping on, Zingy. It is very hard work to sort oneself out, particularly when you have some added issues due to disorders, but you'll be so happy you did in the end!

you know what? my boyfriend just called me and said this:

i want to apologize to you for all the times in the last five years that i have hurt you, you mean the world to me and i love you with all my heart, and i never want to hurt you ever again".

geeesh talk about weird! i asked him what brought that on, and he said last night about 4:00a.m. he woke up and put his arm around me and felt all his love for me, and realized just how much he does love me and wants to be together for ever.

then he said he was driving to his meeting this a.m., right before he called me, and thought about it again, and felt that feeling again and he had to tell me how he feels.

that was such a shocker! i told him that it meant a lot to me for him to say all that.
but of course the inner critic, the same one i am sure that was protesting quite loudly about going out on halloween, was saying to me:

"oh sxit, NOW how the hell am i going to get out of here, how can i cause a ruckus to make him mad at me and fulfill my drama quota".

literally, that was about what it came down to! funny thing is, it actually made me feel kind of mad too, or was that her? hmmm, i just don't really know!

anyway..thought that was all kind of interesting and i wanted to share that as i don't have anyone else to share these things with..

as for the poem i wrote, i think he will understand it...i just hope he wont later throw it in my face and use it against me when that monster comes out again, which is somewhat on a daily basis..

but now that i'm getting wise to her, she wont be able to make too many more appearances like that and get her way.

funny thing is though, i've read alot about inner child stuff and i can't help but wonder if that voice is an inner child who might need nourishing rather then chastising.

i'll have to look into that next...thanks for reading my lonnnng drawn out posts!

[moimeme]

i can't help but wonder if that voice is an inner child who might need nourishing rather then chastising.

It's entirely possible. Have you done any reading or work on self-soothing?

self soothing? i have not heard this, but this is something that i could do a search on and maybe find somethings about that.

you know when he said all that it made me feel more trapped and then it also made me feel more determined to just settle my butt down and get on with life and quit this running away stuff.

it almost hurt the other part of me to think this...i will look up the self-soothing, i'm sure there is something on this subject..

thanks again...