Am I "clinically depressed"? (Sorry, long read ahead)

[Inflikted]

Looking back, I've been in a very dark, scary place for the last six or seven years, and I just keep sinking lower and lower. In the last year, I've become very apparent of my "downward spiral". I started slipping up in my classes last year, bringing down my GPA a little. I've stopped putting effort into my part time job, and I cut more corners and "phone it in" more (which isn't very noticeable to management, as that's pretty par for the course for everyone else that works there...). I've lost a great deal of interest in my hobbies and activities; I often don't feel like indulging in them, even when I have free time. Even the smaller little pleasures in life, such as favorite TV shows, favorite music, favorite foods, etc., all seem so... dull, to me.

 

Worse yet, I just can't seem to figure out a "direction" for my life. Ever since getting out of high school, I've been struggling to find some kind of "passion", to figure out what I want to do with my life, and no matter how deeply I try to push myself to find it, I just can't seem to latch on to anything. I've changed my major around so much (albeit, always within the same general field) that I've probably tacked on at least an extra year or two of classes before I get my degree. I don't get how so many people I know seem to have it together. Everyone I know seems to have at least a general idea as to where they want to go. Whether or not they get there, who knows, but at least they have ambition. What do I have?

 

Socially, well... I've always been very introverted, and "to myself". I've tried many times to break down these "walls", but it just never seems to happen. I'm not totally uptight and closed off, but I can only "loosen up" to an extent. I do have friends, but we're not THAT close. It doesn't seem to matter, though; every time I fall in with a new social circle, I always seem to become the guy that's just... there. The rest of them eventually start forgetting about me, and forgetting to include me. It always bothers me, because even though I'm a bit more reserved, I develop attachments quick, and when I feel as though I've finally found a group of people that genuinely cares about me, it usually becomes apparent that they're not as attached to me as I am of them.

 

It also shouldn't come as a surprise that I struggle with the whole "dating" game, as well. I've never had a girlfriend, never even been on a date. Never even known a girl to express any kind of interest in me, to my knowledge, even. That, in and of itself, is pretty sad, to me. I've always craved that kind of intimate relationship with someone special, but time just seems to keep rushing by me, and it seems like I'm not making any progress at all in finding that "special someone". Not to mention, I can't help but feel a bit frustrated to almost be 22, and to never have experienced that deeper, intimate kind of relationship with someone. Makes me question if it's even out there at all, for me.

 

These are all the issues that have just been weighing on me for the last few years of my life. I really don't even know how to push myself to go on, anymore. I feel as if I'm just floating along through life, on "auto-pilot", so to speak. I worry that I'll never find a "passion" and be stuck working in the same dead end retail job that I hate, for the rest of my life. I'm terrified that I'll always struggle to open up and get closer to people. I'm scared to death to think that I'll never find that intimacy in my life. It's getting harder and harder to be optimistic, either... I'm at the point where I don't even care about work, and I'm starting to slip back into bad habits, when it comes to college classes, as well. I find myself caring less and less when friends don't include me or don't think of me. I've even started to become sour on the whole idea of dating; I don't even look at girls in that way, anymore, really. Thankfully, I think I can do a pretty good job of hiding all of that; most people in my life just see me as the reserved, quiet guy that makes the occasional silly joke/ comment.

 

Recently, I stumbled on some article that listed "symptoms of clinical depression"; stuff like detachment, losing interest in things, a general feeling of hopelessness, etc. And then I think, "Holy crap... A lot of this stuff is pretty accurate of me...". Granted, I'm not suicidal, which seemed to be the major symptom. On the other hand, I don't really feel like there's much to look forward to in life; but still, I'm nowhere close to the idea of ending it now, just to "put myself out of my misery", or anything like that.

 

So... could this maybe be the root of all my issues? Depression, I mean? Perhaps I finally know what it is that's plaguing me? Perhaps dealing with the depression would set me on the right track, and push me towards the life I want to have? But... even if I have identified my problem, well... How, exactly, does one "cure" themselves of depression? Certainly, nothing I've been doing for the last 5-6 years has gotten me any closer to "curing" myself. What am I supposed to do?

[Feelin Frisky]

The short answer is yes, you exhibit symptoms of depression. Since I have expertise on the matter I'll give you some of my understanding of it. "Depression" has symptoms which you describe, apathy, negativity, withdrawal, sadness, anger and so forth. It used to be that mental health mainly looked for rationales as to why a person "thinks" this way so to help them think anew with different perspective. Surely, psycho-therapy continues to explore social reason. But modern medicine takes a different tack and focuses on physical "feelings" over and above social reasons. All physical feelings are functions of chemistry. Social pitfalls may give us reason to be sad and disconnected, but the systems of chemistry that drive feelings into undesirable intensities are unique to each person and fundamentally imperfect in everyone.

 

Therefore, "depression" is not as simple as its symptoms. A great part of it can be chemical. And "society" has been wrong in asserting a false "normality" against which to stigmatize all but the least problematic. Because our chemistries are unique and imperfect all people have the capacity for chemistry to take feelings into unwanted extremes. If we merely look at the symptoms of sadness, apathy et al we miss the internal hardware dynamic of how much our electro-chemical engines might be misfiring and thus adding to the emotional disarray. Thus modern medicine now pursues chemical inequities or so-called "imbalances" as robustly or more so than the Freud's of the world used to pursue dreams and Oedipus complexes. Which one works better?

 

IMO, for many people including myself, there is no "out-thinking" ones feelings if one simply does not know what it's like to "feel" any other way. The suggestion is laughable--can we leave our bodies, step forward in time, see the future, decide the best feeling and then go back into our bodies and feel the fairest feeling for the social situation? That's effectively what psychotherapeutical purists assert. The medicinal approach would be to boost or short-circuit a neuro-transmitter flow so that a person's "feelings" don't precede their ability to respond appropriately. A person who is successfully treated with medicine can learn to pounce on the new capacity--channel, focus and enhance it. Such persons (myself among them) can actually become more "well" than "normal". We learn the nuances of our psyches and chemistries and take actions to stay well and as much in charge as we can get.

 

I don't "believe" in "depression". It's not a clear fact. The symptoms of depression can be real because of chemical inequities and perhaps some social trauma that causes the feelings to be negative or apathetic as a defense mechanism. But modern medicine provides the tools to change our inequities and emerge from the gravity well of symptoms. Good luck.

[Inflikted]

I'm... not sure I follow...?

[Feelin Frisky]

OK, I'll try to make it simpler. "Depression" is a mix of two things. One is negative messages which may be justified which lead a person to withdraw, not care, show disgust for, lose faith in, see bleakness. The other is one's physiology which can heap levels of bad feeling or reverberate reasons for apathy, sadness well over and above any legitimate reason to be in the dumps. It is important to know this because this should determine the approach to treat the depression.

 

If one goes the traditional route and seeks "talk therapy" the furthest it can go is to help the patient use new logic and new understanding of the triggering social traumas or disappointments to rationalize away the depression. But if the "depression" is not all that justified and perhaps 9/10's a matter of chemical irregularities in the brain which cause feelings to be immense, the patient will not be treating the root of depression by merely looking for external social reasons. Luckily, modern medicine has made this distinction and there are new classes of medications to help a person tune their Nero-transmitter physiology to more acceptable and therefore less depressive states.

[Inflikted]

Okay, but where do I go from here, then?

[skydiveaddict]

go see a doc

[carhill]

OP, I would suggest an evaluation by a clinical psychologist, someone trained in the treatment of depression. As appropriate, you can be referred to an MD for medical treatment.

 

I had such an evaluation as part of the MC process and our psychologist found me, though exhibiting depressive symptoms, to be situationally indicative of depression, due to life circumstances at the time (in my case, being the caregiver of a mentally ill person) and not globally depressed, so we worked on avenues of recovery within MC and I found the MC to be correct; once positive progress was made, the negative emotions abated.

 

Only a medical professional trained in depressive illness and/or mood disorders can diagnose you properly. What are you going to do today?

[Feelin Frisky]

Okay, but where do I go from here, then?

 

My advice amounts to seeing a mental health professional--usually this will be a psychologist or psychotherapist. But don't let the therapist tell you that his or her services are all you need. You might ask before you decide to get into therapy if the psychologist or psychotherapist works with a psychiatrist. The answer should be YES--the psychotherapist understands the limits of his or her approach and defers to actual medications prescribed only by a psychiatrist. If a psychiatrist prescribes medication it is always up to you to speak up and explore other meds if the one or ones you take give you side effects you can't abide. Don't expect medication to work like a visitation from god. The way medication works when it works best is that it remains pretty much transparent--you don't feel its presence or it "working"--instead what you do is merely start noticing small changes in how you feel when negative or upsetting things happen. This way you can begin to internalize the difference between your less well self and your more well self so that thereafter you understand exactly what you are looking for in a medicinal treatment.

 

The psychotherapist--the person who listens but does not prescribe--is there for you so that you have structure to cause yourself to find words and characterizations for your change so that you can "own" it rather than just having it happen without your taking stock of it. You may find yourself amazed at the results and able to build confidence that the new you is sustainable--at the least you'll begin to understand your own chemistry and be able to see how much of your depression is a condition of chemical shortfalls in the brain and how much is really a mater of true social traumas/disappointments that cause one to feel sad or apathetic.