LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Mind, Body & Soul > Addiction & Recovery

What to do about my husband's occasional use of cocaine


Addiction & Recovery Recognizing, conquering, and coping with addictions, substance abuse & dependence.

Like Tree4Likes
  • 1 Post By basil67
  • 1 Post By Popsicle
  • 1 Post By Miss Clavel
  • 1 Post By Tais
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 26th September 2017, 3:58 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 3
What to do about my husband's occasional use of cocaine

Hi, this is my first post here. I am a non drug user(I do smoke and drink alcohol) concerned about my husband's occasional cocaine use.

We have been together for 15 months and married for 3, no children. Im 33 and he is 38.I know he used to take drugs in a regular basis about 15 years ago for a couple of years and quit. That didn't bother me as it is in the past. What is worrying me is that only yesterday, while we were hanging out with a friend and just chatting, he said he took cocaine once 3 years ago when he was hanging out with friends because they had it and he felt like it and that he sees no problem and he would do it again if he wants. I told him I don't feel good about it, he accused me of being controlling and said "it doesn't mean I am going to do, I just want the freedom to decide to do whatever I want on my own."

Him and our friend said that it was the same as how I drink alcohol, that there is no need to care if it's only sometimes. But I have a whole different image on drugs, I know alcohol can destroy someone's and their family's lives as well if it is out of control, but I know I can live normally without it and cigarettes. And this friend doesn't even smoke, she drinks once in a blue moon so if she tried drugs once I wouldn't see any problem. But my husband is currently addicted to cigarettes and does drink almost everyday, plus he used to take drugs often. My point is, I think my husband gets easily addicted. Right now I don't worry so much about the drinking and smoking as the amount doesn't really affect in anything. But drugs I don't see it that way. I feel it can be more destructive and I just have a negative image of people who take drugs. I told him since the beginning that I had personal traumas about addictions, my father's gambling addiction ruined our lives. He was also a smoker and "casual" drinker, he would also get easily addicted. And I don't want to go through this hell me and my mom went again.

We did just get married though and I do think he is a wonderful person, other than our little issues that are mostly because we moved forward to fast I think we are a good couple. But this drug thing really concerns me. Am I overreacting? Is it really ok he did only this one time 3 years ago and in the future he just really wants the freedom to decide and that it doesn't mean he will actually do it, especially since I feel he loves me and he knows I'm against it? I also don't really understand why he didn't tell me about this one time cocaine sooner... I know he doesn't see it as a big deal at all, but we have talked about drugs so many times and he knew I feel strongly against it since the beginning, was he hiding it or really just didn't think about telling me? He also explained that he knows he is not addicted to drugs because it was just this one time he felt like it, he would never buy it, he doesn't think about drugs and he has no problem saying no.


Please, any help is appreciated. I know giving ultimatums is not the solution, but I just don't know where to go from here and don't want to get myself wrapped up any further in this relationship (like having children) if it's never going to work. Thanks in advance!

Last edited by Tais; 26th September 2017 at 4:01 AM..
Tais is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 4:31 AM   #2
Established Member
 
TheWoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 180
If it was the just once, 3 years ago, before you even met, then I would probably just let it go for now. You have expressed your dislike of it, he knows you are against it. Hopefully that will be enough for him not to do it again. If it is not, then you can address it again, when it is actually an issue. I particularly dislike cocaine as a drug as well, its quite dangerous and brings out the worst in people. However you guys have bigger addiction problems to deal with right now.... you both smoke cigarettes! Those things will kill you, slow and painfully! I'd be addressing that problem first if I were you.
__________________
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full for language & ideas, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense. - Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī
TheWoman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 4:51 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 7,074
He likely didn't tell you about it before because he suspected it would upset you. And he was right.

Anyway, as it was a one off three years ago, I'd let it slide. And he's right about this being his own decision. While we can make our thoughts known, we can't control our partner's choices.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 6:49 AM   #4
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 13,321
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tais View Post
We have been together for 15 months and married for 3, no children. Im 33 and he is 38.
Is that correct or should it have read years not months?
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 9:05 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 736
I think the cigarettes are a million times worse.
grays is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 10:16 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 7,788
I wouldn't date anyone who used to do drugs on a regular basis, even if they were clean now. That was the mistake you made. He will likely relapse often during his life and tell you that he did years later, you'll have to continue to "put it in the past" every time.
S2B likes this.
Popsicle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 10:33 PM   #7
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,193
When he decided to marry you he gave you the right to express how you feel when it affects both of you.

Cocaine affects both people - I've seen it gobble up money for even wealthy folks.

He's not respecting you if he thinks he wants to make those decisions on his own.

You've only known him a short while.

Keep your eyes open for his use. He could be hiding it.

Since he has a history of over using - addiction - he should be staying far away from anything that alters. I'd be very concerned if I were you.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 2:59 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Miss Clavel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 800
if you are going to stay married, keep a keen eye on the money. how it comes in and where it goes out.

i'd keep my money separate. with an addict/alkie even one that's been sober as long as i have, it's one day at a time. and every new day brings another day of sobriety but along with that comes the possibility of a relapse.

protect yourself financially and emotionally.

i have to say, that for me, as a recovering alkie, there is no way i could pick up one drink(or a line of coke) and not be right back in the horrors of addiction.

so, in a way, the fact that he could just pick up one night and put it right back down is good news. maybe he's not an addict. although drinking on a daily basis is not only expensive it could just be, using a different drug/changing your drug of choice.

i know that living your daily life waiting for the other shoe to drop can be exhausting however if you're determined to give him the benefit of the doubt, again, protect your money.

don't co mingle your paychecks. you might end up having to give him alimony/spousal support in the event his addiction causes a divorce and i'd be damn sure not to have a child right now.

good luck
S2B likes this.
__________________
take aim. reload.
Miss Clavel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 5:41 AM   #9
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 3
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Is that correct or should it have read years not months?
Yes, months, we moved too fast and we've been paying the price
Tais is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 6:13 AM   #10
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the great advice. We talked again, he said he won't use cocaine ever again, he said "he would use if he felt like it" cause he was mad I was telling him he couldn't and he hates being bossed around. Im still worried because even though he said he is aware of how bad and stupid it is to use cocaine, he also knows the good effects and thinks that once in a blue moon causes no harm and that there is no risk of getting addicted... Plus we live in Barcelona, here is illegal but it is so easy to get drugs, people smoke pot freely on the streets, all his friends use drugs...
I am still going to be cautious, at least for a while, no kids, no mingle paychecks.
And we will work on quitting smoking cigarettes, just one step at a time
Tais is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 7:48 AM   #11
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 24,687
I'm glad you were able to talk more calmly.

Drugs are an absolute deal breaker for me so I'd take a hard line. Illegal drugs mean I walk & call the cops about the location of your stash on my way out the door.

Whatever your position is, make it clear to him. Marriage is a partnership. You have to be able to talk. Because you two moved quickly you have more to discuss then many newly married couples. The first year of marriage is an adjustment. You need to learn to work as a team.

Because his problem ended a long time ago & this last use was before you met don't fret too much but keep your eyes open. Don't make it a stand-off but don't tolerate your deal breakers if that is what they truly are. Now that you are married & settling down maybe he's truly outgrown the partying friends. Let's hope so
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 11:53 AM   #12
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
address the elephant

address the need to discuss it as partners- In 30 plus years I feel better about a negative outcome ( for me) than the old pattern of stewing or trying to deal with stuff on my own- or stuffing it- it will more often than not come back- but that is the lesson I learned the hard way. marriage is a partnership between 2 adults so you should be able to talk-otherwise the one excuse can turn into enabling. Educate yourself and have the conversation without the emotions -(LOL- now that is the hardest thing to do, and so cliche, but true- otherwise conversations are harder)
I encourage you to check out Alanon, or some sort of support network, mom's groups, exercise groups- if nothing else it gives you perspective that you are looking for- on a regular basis. focus onfamily was my go to resource finder- regardless of faith because other than good articles on addictions and family relationship stuff- they have national resource help-
Many Blessings
ahhope4u is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 3:11 PM   #13
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,193
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tais View Post
Thank you all for the great advice. We talked again, he said he won't use cocaine ever again, he said "he would use if he felt like it" cause he was mad I was telling him he couldn't and he hates being bossed around. Im still worried because even though he said he is aware of how bad and stupid it is to use cocaine, he also knows the good effects and thinks that once in a blue moon causes no harm and that there is no risk of getting addicted... Plus we live in Barcelona, here is illegal but it is so easy to get drugs, people smoke pot freely on the streets, all his friends use drugs...
I am still going to be cautious, at least for a while, no kids, no mingle paychecks.
And we will work on quitting smoking cigarettes, just one step at a time

While that's a great update - you can ONLY control yourself and what you do/don't do.

Quit the cigs - with or without him. It's a gift you give yourself.

He will do what he does. You decide on your future based on his action or inaction to improve himself.

It was harder for me - a recovering alcoholic - to quit the cigs. Believe me the alcohol was hard but not smoking was harder - but worth it!

As a crutch, I use a vape cig with no nicotine as a pacifier. It's very satisfying.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How do I react to my boyfriend using cocaine? Melis Addiction & Recovery 20 13th April 2013 11:28 AM
I think my husband is using cocaine moonlover Addiction & Recovery 5 27th November 2008 3:57 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:20 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.