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In AA: Struggling to get over my Ex


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Old 11th June 2017, 9:15 PM   #1
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Unhappy In AA: Struggling to get over my Ex

I've been sober 4+ years and am an active member of alcoholics anonymous. Overlapping my second and third years of sobriety I got into a ten-month relationship with a woman. Though it was only 10 months long, I thought it was pretty great and believed her and I were a terrific match. It seemed she felt the same way. She was the second woman I ever fell in love with.

In August of 2015 she broke up with me, kind of out of nowhere. I did not see signs that things were going south. One week after she broke up with me she relapsed and drank for an entire year. During this year, because she was not sober, I did not see her at any of the meetings I normally would have seen her at. It bummed me out that she relapsed, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a relief to not have to see her at my usual meetings. Additionally, I think I kind of subconsciously suspected her decision to break up with me was due to her relapse, more than anything having to do with me, which eased the blow a bit.

About 10 months ago, she got sober again, and began coming to meetings again. Furthermore, she initiated an occasional texting relationship with me that I welcomed and reciprocated. One year ago, I actually thought I was over this woman and believed I could be friends with her. However, over the course of months texting and seeing her again, and certain texts being sent that made me think she was perhaps interested in rekindling things again, my feelings for her came back.

Literally three hours ago, upon discussion with my sponsor and a close friend (i.e. this was not a rash decision), I called my ex and let her know how I felt, and asked if she perhaps felt the same way. She said she did not; that she viewed me as a friend. I wasn't necessarily surprised by this answer. I was kinda 50-50 on whether or not she was interested again. But it still hurt like hell to have her tell me she has no feelings for me. Furthermore, she apparently had started dating someone, before getting to a year, but her sponsor directed her to stop. But when she gets to a year she intends to start dating this man again.

I feel fairly humiliated and somewhat heartbroken right now. I guess even when I thought I was over this woman a kernel of some pretty strong feelings remained. Additionally, and where the problem really lies going forward, is her and I share the same home group. This group has been VITAL to my recovery. I cannot overstate its importance to my life. The idea of not attending it to avoid seeing her is hard to imagine. Fortunately, it is a very large meeting (200+ people), so it's not like we're right on top of each other. This man she's apparently "going to date" also attends this meeting, though, so that sucks. I just never want to see her again (at least that's how I feel right now).

Can anyone relate to this problem and have any advice? I realize this post was pretty long and if you made it to the bottom here I appreciate it. Just in a lot of pain right now and I guess I'm hoping some others can maybe just even relate.

Thanks a lot.
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Old 12th June 2017, 1:54 AM   #2
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OP given how important the 12 step dynamic appears connected to your ongoing recovery extricating yourself from these meetings and finding other ones maybe necessary. Have you talked to your sponsor about going full no contact and and avoiding her? I think an important thing to consider is your fixation on this woman could make you vulnerable to relapse. Watch for that. Also she appears to be struggling in her recovery, so even if she did go back to you, would it really foster a healthy milieau?
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Old 12th June 2017, 2:08 AM   #3
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Can you do a thorough 4th step based solely on her?

Include the harms done area as well... look at how you may be handing her all YOUR power.

Your home group? Well...that can change. It is a program of change,right?

Above all else - get busy sponsoring others and doing solid step work with others...that's giving back to the program that gave to you.

At your stage (4 years in) you should be sponsoring a bunch of people. By year 4 I had sponsored more than a hundred people.

How often do you meet to help others with their step work so they, too, can recover?
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