LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Mind, Body & Soul > Addiction & Recovery

Married to an Alcoholic


Addiction & Recovery Recognizing, conquering, and coping with addictions, substance abuse & dependence.

Like Tree63Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 22nd February 2017, 2:21 PM   #16
Established Member
 
SaveYourHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 247
It is. It's absolutely heartbreaking.
SaveYourHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2017, 3:57 PM   #17
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,567
How are you holding up? You don't have to share here or break anonymity but did you get to the Al-Anon meeting? Did it help?


At least you should have learned that until he wants help or hits rock bottom you can't do anything for him. You can learn to stop enabling him & to protect yourself. If appropriate you may also develop the courage to enact the changes you require.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2017, 4:02 PM   #18
Established Member
 
SaveYourHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 247
Hey dOnnivain! I've been going to 3 al-anon meetings a week and they work wonders for me. It puts the focus back on myself and my recovery. The longer I'm in it, the more I see that I can't help him. I can't fix him. His sgt knows about his alcohol problems and confronted him about it (the way he smells) and THAT wasn't enough to hit rock bottom. He's begun hiding alcohol as if I can't tell. His lying and deception when he's "sober" is showing me that maybe it's time for me to let go. I'm 24 and miserable. I can't do anything for myself without being "punished" for it. The meetings are enlightening and I've done a lot of inventory of myself and am starting to realize my self-worth. It is a process and it is a journey, but I'm excited to finally make some changes in my life for MY happiness. <3 Thank you for asking <3
SaveYourHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2017, 4:05 PM   #19
Established Member
 
SaveYourHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 247
Above all, I've learned that I cannot live the rest of my life next to an active alcoholic. I can't wait forever for him to find recover, and maybe me being there every time I say I'm going to leave is me being an enabler. Maybe I am his rock bottom. I won't have children with an active alcoholic, and being a mom is my dream. I'm staying in al-anon for another 4 months before I make any final decisions. I want this to be something I DECIDE on through patience, soul searching, and research. I don't want a spontaneous "I'm not happy LET'S GET A DIVORCE" kind of thing. I want to have peace with my decision.
SaveYourHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2017, 8:58 AM   #20
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
I had the similar situation but I somehow manage to take my hubby to a wellness treatment centre in Toronto. He was an alcoholic addict and suffered from many health issues.
If your hubby is ready to quit drinking just ask him to gradually reduce the intake. A strong desire can help him to stop his drinking habit. I appreciate you for being with him in this state. Good luck dear!!

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 7th April 2017 at 10:59 PM..
irene08 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2017, 3:34 AM   #21
Established Member
 
EmilyJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 359
Quote:
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart View Post
Unfortunately, he refuses any kind of professional help. He acknowledged that he had a problem, but thinks he can fix it on his own. The problem is that he never makes any attempts to quit drinking, or if he does, it lasts for only a few days.
This is exactly what my ex did/does. It's so incredibly frustrating as they just cannot see that they have zero control over their addiction and do not have the ability to discover triggers and strategies without professional guidance.

I think it's just another "protect the addiction" strategy. My ex had a bajillion of them.

I did wait around for him to get help. I was already supporting him through depression and anxiety. But he did nothing. Then he went off his medication and hid it and the drinking and weed smoking went through the roof. I was the one keeping everything steady at the same time as being abused and berated and intimidated by this aggro drunk who constantly spat nasty things at me and told me he didn't love me and that he hated our home and would do things while drunk like move all his things out yet still bloody not actually leave. Then there would be his huge mood crashes were he was desperate for comfort and physical affection. It was exhausting. My whole life was consumed by trying to keep our home and lives stable. I could do almost nothing for myself and I was constantly reeling and recovering from one drama and hyper vigilant for the next.

I left him. I hoped it would be enough of a shock losing me that he would get help. I just could not do it anymore. I was and am still heartbroken at the things he's said to me and so incredibly hurt by his actions.

He did not support me financially through the threatened and eventually enforced by me separation.

A lot of his attacks and destabilising actions centred on money. I have absolutely no idea why. But I was somehow to blame.

I was incredibly financially and physically vulnerable. I suffered a serious accident and am only now seeking work. He used that to control me. The threat that I couldn't pay the rent without him. And his really big blow up argument seeking always seemed to coincide with me taking a step to financial independence or things for my future.

In the end I decided I would just borrow money and get in a boarder to cover the rent and cut all ties with him so I could actually maintain health and mental equilibrium enough to secure a job.

Last edited by EmilyJane; 3rd April 2017 at 3:36 AM..
EmilyJane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2017, 4:02 PM   #22
Established Member
 
SaveYourHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 247
He thinks he can moderate his drinking, but time after time he fails. He's lied, he's hidden it, he's always starting an argument about something while he's drunk. I'd been going to al-anon but now I just feel worn down and I feel like a failure for not going. It's only a matter of time now before I leave. I can't see myself hurting like this forever.

I hope your transition is going well EmilyJane. Come join us over at SoberRecovery.com and share your story. I get a lot of support there. My username is the same in case you want to chitchat <3
SaveYourHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2017, 7:03 PM   #23
Established Member
 
EmilyJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 359
Quote:
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart View Post
He thinks he can moderate his drinking, but time after time he fails. He's lied, he's hidden it, he's always starting an argument about something while he's drunk. I'd been going to al-anon but now I just feel worn down and I feel like a failure for not going. It's only a matter of time now before I leave. I can't see myself hurting like this forever.

I hope your transition is going well EmilyJane. Come join us over at SoberRecovery.com and share your story. I get a lot of support there. My username is the same in case you want to chitchat <3
I didn't even know that was a thing.

I wish I'd had support the last year. I was so naive about what was happening.

Edit: I've joined up now. Different user name. But understand about 20% only of the posts. I'm realising I have even less of a handle on what was happening than I thought.

Last edited by EmilyJane; 3rd April 2017 at 9:10 PM..
EmilyJane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2017, 10:32 PM   #24
Established Member
 
caringsister's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Oregon
Posts: 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sooner or Later View Post
This site is very useful--the forum and members of 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' provide some great support!

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
I was totally going to recommend the same site
caringsister is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th April 2017, 2:05 PM   #25
Established Member
 
SaveYourHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 247
Quote:
Originally Posted by EmilyJane View Post
I didn't even know that was a thing.

I wish I'd had support the last year. I was so naive about what was happening.

Edit: I've joined up now. Different user name. But understand about 20% only of the posts. I'm realising I have even less of a handle on what was happening than I thought.
I look back on my posts regularly and realize how differently I see things now by researching the disease and understanding that I'm messed up too. I'm glad you joined! I love loveshack, but the support I get on soberrecovery is a lot more specific to my needs. <3
SaveYourHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th April 2017, 7:10 PM   #26
Established Member
 
EmilyJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 359
Quote:
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart View Post
I look back on my posts regularly and realize how differently I see things now by researching the disease and understanding that I'm messed up too. I'm glad you joined! I love loveshack, but the support I get on soberrecovery is a lot more specific to my needs. <3
Your previous post describes almost exactly what mine has been like for months.

Mine got in contact to say he's cut back to once a week. I don't believe him and I don't think it will last without him getting help. But I do think I'm still holding on to hope he will do it. It's been twelve months since he started drinking.
EmilyJane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th April 2017, 10:25 AM   #27
Established Member
 
SaveYourHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 247
Mine started drinking a few months after we got married in 2014. I didn't realize it was such a problem until it got so out of control that I didn't know what normal was anymore. I didn't know who he was anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. This journey has been so painful and nothing prepared me for it. I love the person he was. I will always love him in a way, but I lost myself once in a relationship with an addict, I'll be damned if I stay in this marriage because I *hope* he'll stop drinking. I don't want to wake up old and gray and realize that I've spent my entire life being miserable and stuck in a relationship with someone who won't choose me over the bottle.
EmilyJane and Inya like this.
SaveYourHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2017, 7:15 AM   #28
Established Member
 
EmilyJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 359
Quote:
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart View Post
Mine started drinking a few months after we got married in 2014. I didn't realize it was such a problem until it got so out of control that I didn't know what normal was anymore. I didn't know who he was anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. This journey has been so painful and nothing prepared me for it. I love the person he was. I will always love him in a way, but I lost myself once in a relationship with an addict, I'll be damned if I stay in this marriage because I *hope* he'll stop drinking. I don't want to wake up old and gray and realize that I've spent my entire life being miserable and stuck in a relationship with someone who won't choose me over the bottle.
Yeah, the way your life becomes sideways to normal. All of it really.

I think I'm still hoping that me not being there and he's living somewhere else instead of his home and I don't speak to him will be enough to motivate him to do something. So far it's just enough to admit he needs help and has a problem.

I didn't want to wake up in another six months still waiting for things to get better. Or be pushed down the stairs or something.

Mine is still managing to hold down a govt job and not drink during working hours.

I wish I didn't have hope. But I do.

I'm still very in love with sober him. I'm having trouble moving on.
EmilyJane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2017, 9:35 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Tameside
Posts: 502
If either or you want to speak to someone who turned to drink and then realised all too late that was the problem, I'm happy to talk. I had a shocking on/off ten year marriage but we actually had a shot the last six months until my drinking ruined it. Might be able to give a perspective from the other side though.
Pete2304 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th April 2017, 5:25 AM   #30
Established Member
 
EmilyJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete2304 View Post
If either or you want to speak to someone who turned to drink and then realised all too late that was the problem, I'm happy to talk. I had a shocking on/off ten year marriage but we actually had a shot the last six months until my drinking ruined it. Might be able to give a perspective from the other side though.
That's a fantastic generous offer. I would love to hear your story if you are willing to share.

My situation has become more complicated. Mine has developed some vey sudden and extremely severe mental illness symptoms and has started to lose touch with reality. Got him to the doctor and on meds and in therapy when he turned up at my door terrified and suicidal. It seems clear now the alcohol was masking stress induced mental illness. He would hate me describing what he's suffering from in such a public arena.

A few days prior to this he was trying to make amends. Which I declined. Kept the boundary and kept repeating that I would not be with him until he was in therapy and sober for a few months minimum. It was horrible and I cried the whole conversation.

I've offered him limited support with extremely firm boundaries that all contact will be withdrawn if he ceases to comply with treatment or drinks again. I'm very torn because leaving him and kicking him out then going no contact was clearly the trigger for this. I hate how I seem to be so tied up in him deteriorating.

Told him no reconciliation for a few more months while he stabilised as now was not the time and he was not capable of being my partner right now. But still let him sleep in our bed that one night for comfort. I have to confess it's the first proper nights sleep I've had since we seperated. I realised that while I'm handling breaking up on an intellectual and emotional level there's this primal physical level where my body misses my big cuddly warm man person.

But he wants to come home and it's awful to see him like this.
I want him to come home, I just am also resisting that because it's not sensible. I need to maintain my life and routine and efforts to improve my life and not get overly drawn in and invested in his latest crisis. And it will not change anything. The same problems are still there.
I think now that maybe I never intended to leave him permantly. I'm pretty confused and scared.

Last edited by EmilyJane; 13th April 2017 at 5:32 AM..
EmilyJane is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
GF is an alcoholic BetrayedH Addiction & Recovery 54 26th October 2016 1:24 PM
Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk lora_parris Addiction & Recovery 32 29th May 2015 9:08 AM
not sure if alcoholic? Fun2BMe Addiction & Recovery 28 17th March 2008 3:03 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 6:35 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.