GF with eating disorder, I'm at my wits end

[nomoreshallwepart]

My fiancée is struggling with an eating disorder. It all started about 1,5 year ago and several months after we got engaged - I've noticed she's not doing so well (getting angry at herself, calling her names or even hitting herself in the face when no one was watching) and recommended therapy. After she went into therapy, things got out of hand pretty quickly: she started binge eating, going from 55 to almost 90 kilos in just several months; she cut herself badly several times, landing in ER with a suicide attempt diagnosis. It took about half a year for the therapy and the medication to really start improving her condition and since then it was a bit of a rollercoaster: there are weeks or even months when we're great, communicating openly, having fun together, planning our future live together.

 

And then there are days and weeks when the sickness hits and I have nothing but more and more of anger and resentment in me. It got worse once again this month and I feel like I no more have the strenght nor the patience needed to support her and to prevent all the drama from getting to me. I've recently started going into therapy myself to get some support for these issues but I'm still struggling. I know it's not as simple as that, but I feel like she just doesn't want to improve - she may plan out her diet for several months and then just stuff full of cake and go to sleep.

 

It's even more infuriating how she thinks the distance this all puts between us can be reduced in a second, like when she overeats, gets emotional, cuts herself and then asks if I want to have sex. NO, I DON'T WANT TO, IT'S THE LAST FRIGGING THING I'D WANT TO RIGHT NOW. Ugh.

[Emilia]

Do you think it's a good idea for you to be with her? What has she been diagnosed with? The food stuff is just a symptom.

[nomoreshallwepart]

Do you think it's a good idea for you to be with her? What has she been diagnosed with? The food stuff is just a symptom.

 

At this point I really don't know. I want to, but it's getting harder and harder with each episode.

 

As far as I know, she has been diagnosed with depression and mixed ED (bulimic/anorectic).

[basil67]

If you're looking for someone to tell you that it's OK to leave, I'll give you strong agreement.

 

It's OK to walk away from someone who's poor mental health is destroying the relationship. I know it sounds awful, but self protection is of utmost importance. What good will come if you end up in a complete mess because of dealing with your partner's issues?

 

Have you told your therapist that you're considering ending it? What do they say?

[TaraMaiden2]

You can't 'fix' her. Your staying won't fix her, but your leaving will fix you.

 

Sorted.

[bathtub-row]

This is not a person you need to marry. Your life will be filled with this kind of drama and, if you guys have kids, that will be a whole new kind of nightmare. While I can sympathize that she has deep issues, I would steer clear of a person like this when it comes to marriage.

[salparadise]

Cutting, suicide attempts, bulimic/anorexic... I'm guessing there's still more. Not fixable, not your job. Your job is to take care of you, not to dedicate your life to this kind of instability and mental illness. It's good that you're in therapy. I hope your therapist is skilled and can help you develop a positive vision for a fulfilling life... the choices you make now will determine what your life will be.

[elaine567]

As others have said you can't fix her, what will be will be, whether you are there or not.

Don't do this to yourself.

Walk away.

Life is far too short.

[Jabron1]

Law of Power #10: Infection. Avoid the unhappy and unlucky

You can die from someone else's misery - emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel that you are helping the drowning man, but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate often draw misfortune onto themselves; they will also draw it onto you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

 

I strongly suggest you listen to this:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u50HgccIqGA&nohtml5=False

 

2 hours and 6 minutes in.

[losangelena]

So she's the one with the illness yet your post is all about your resentment?

 

Maybe I'm in the minority here.

 

By no means do I think you should try and fix her. But I do think it's possible to stay and be a healthy, supportive partner if you want to.

 

Judging by the tone of your post, it doesn't sound like you do, so go ahead and leave her. You shouldn't blame her for her own eating disorder, though. It's a compulsion, it's a disease. She's getting help for it, but recovery is slow and not all that linear. That doesn't mean she's going to be some effed-up, broken person her whole life, even if right at this moment she can't be the most present, diligent partner.

 

But if you're expecting her to be all a-okay right this moment, then move on.

[salparadise]

So she's the one with the illness yet your post is all about your resentment?

 

Maybe I'm in the minority here.

 

By no means do I think you should try and fix her. But I do think it's possible to stay and be a healthy, supportive partner if you want to.

 

Judging by the tone of your post, it doesn't sound like you do, so go ahead and leave her. You shouldn't blame her for her own eating disorder, though. It's a compulsion, it's a disease. She's getting help for it, but recovery is slow and not all that linear. That doesn't mean she's going to be some effed-up, broken person her whole life, even if right at this moment she can't be the most present, diligent partner.

 

But if you're expecting her to be all a-okay right this moment, then move on.

 

 

I don't think you're getting bigger picture here... I was hesitant to name it lest I be accused of diagnosing a mental illness, but it's more than apparent.

 

Saying he has resentment is being honest and forthcoming in my opinion. How could he not when he on the short end of this mess.

 

His life matters. He needs to save himself and I'm hoping his therapist helps him understand the gravity of that. The chances of this turning into a beautiful, fulfilling relationship is pretty much zero.

[d0nnivain]

Since you proposed I am assuming you love her so advice from a message board to break up with her is a bit hollow.

 

 

I agree you can't fix her. That is not your job nor your skill set. Can you get her permission to let her doctor talk to you about her? Perhaps the therapist can give you insight into why she's doing these things & what, if anything, you can do to be a positive in her life.

 

 

When you mentioned eating disorder, I immediately thought the wedding & the pressure to be "perfect" was making her nutty. I know I had huge weight struggles when I was getting married. Bridal sizing doesn't help because if you are a 6 IRL you are at least at 10-12 in bridal & nobody wants to think they are bigger going into their Big Day. It really does a number on your head.

 

 

However, the cutting & the rest of it seems way beyond just pressure to look good in the dress. Although I still can't help but wonder if that was part of the trigger.

 

 

As a condition of moving forward together, she has to remain in therapy. You also need to decide if you are prepared to deal with a life time of relapses. My issues & their manifestations are not nearly as pronounced as your FIs but when I am in a bad state I think DH is a saint for putting up with me.

[Taramere]

And then there are days and weeks when the sickness hits and I have nothing but more and more of anger and resentment in me. It got worse once again this month and I feel like I no more have the strength nor the patience needed to support her and to prevent all the drama from getting to me.

 

That's very understandable. I have a friend with this condition. A very severe version of it. She's resistant to all forms of treatment, and I find that very hard to tolerate.

 

One of the problems with eating disorders is that there's this "pro ana" community filled with people enabling eachother to stay locked in the world of anorexia - and their mantra is pretty much "it's a lifestyle choice and one we should be free to make". And to a certain extent it is. It's very hard to know, with this condition, which aspects of the person's behaviour/resistance to treatment are related to choice and which are compulsive and something they can't really control. I can imagine that if somebody veers between anorexia and binges, the binges are probably intensified by that anorexic culture of fat/self loathing.

 

When I've talked to people about my friend, the reaction is always "oh that's so tragic" and sometimes "I have some knowledge of this...I could maybe talk to her." The latter drives me up the wall, frankly. This is somebody who has had the benefit of incredibly skilled, knowledgeable and professionally experienced (in that area) helpers who have been unable to effect change...and you get these people who know a bit about it, or who maybe went through a period of being bulimic in their late adolescence, who believe that they could somehow work a miracle. If I express anger about my friend, they will lecture me on the need to be supportive. They'll share their knowledge of the disorder while you bite your tongue because you know they're just trying to be helpful.

 

I've got to admit that by this point I have way more sympathy for family and partners of people with severe forms of eating disorder than I have for the people themselves. That might sound cruel, but a lot of it comes down to my belief that it's not just an illness. There's a lot of choice involved too. And of course, the more annoyance you start to feel - the more you gravitate towards seeing it as more of a choice than an illness. The annoyance can cloud your judgement in that way.

 

The danger then is that you'll say something unkind and then feel wretched/abusive. Or alternatively, will start telling yourself that the person "needs tough love" in order to justify venting your feelings at them. I'm not saying that, by the way, because I think you're doing that with your gf. I'm just saying that I think that's a common sort of dynamic in situations like this where you're dealing with somebody whose disordered behaviour is a tangle of compulsive urges they can't manage, and some degree of choice which they should take ownership over.

 

Faced with that, a layperson would almost certainly be told "you're not in a position to differentiate between which aspects of their behaviour are down to choice and which parts are related to an illness they cannot help". That probably goes quadruple when it comes to eating disorders...and just adds to the frustration for family, partners, carers and friends of the person with the disorder.

 

I've recently started going into therapy myself to get some support for these issues but I'm still struggling. I know it's not as simple as that, but I feel like she just doesn't want to improve - she may plan out her diet for several months and then just stuff full of cake and go to sleep...It's even more infuriating how she thinks the distance this all puts between us can be reduced in a second, like when she overeats, gets emotional, cuts herself and then asks if I want to have sex. NO, I DON'T WANT TO, IT'S THE LAST FRIGGING THING I'D WANT TO RIGHT NOW. Ugh.

 

I think it's very wise that you've got somebody for yourself who you can discuss these issues with. When somebody has a disorder like this, everything tends to revolve around them. Other people's interests take a back seat - for understandable reasons (given the severity of the condition) but potentially to the great detriment of those other people.

 

It's your absolute right to say no to sex if you don't want it - and while I wouldn't advocate saying no as per the comment you've capitalised (and I'm very sure you wouldn't say that anyway - you're just obviously venting some of the feelings you have about this) you need to find a way you're comfortable with of conveying to her that you don't want to have sex with her when she's in that particular place.

 

Something that might well be difficult to say, but that needs to be said nonetheless for your sake. Also, potentially, for hers if she uses sex as a way of trying to get comfort. Especially if her need for comfort, at times like that, is bottomless.