emyree Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Disclaimer: I am a practicing Christian, it has helped me cope with my trials. Please don't judge. Today, on Thanksgiving, I looked through my husband's phone and found him once again looking at pornographic sites. Worse, he searched his ex's name on the search bar in that site. Mind you, he was on a break at work while he did this. His response? Not remorseful. He eventually escalated the argument by saying I am a bad wife and he will eventually leave. He has had a history with porn addiction. I left him once because of this and 6 months later he was acknowledging his addiction and talking to a pastor. Now, 2 years after we reconciled, this problem periodically has shown up. To be fair, in the beginning I have entertained the porn with him. However, I have been able to separate myself from it, he has not. I have prayed over and over. I know God will handle this. However, how do I handle his hard heart and words? I am to the point that I give up. I told myself today I will not talk to him until I feel better. I just don't know what to do. He won't help himself and sees nothing wrong with it. How do I handle this? Modify message 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Disclaimer: I am a practicing Christian, it has helped me cope with my trials. Please don't judge. Today, on Thanksgiving, I looked through my husband's phone and found him once again looking at pornographic sites. Worse, he searched his ex's name on the search bar in that site. Mind you, he was on a break at work while he did this. His response? Not remorseful. He eventually escalated the argument by saying I am a bad wife and he will eventually leave. He has had a history with porn addiction. I left him once because of this and 6 months later he was acknowledging his addiction and talking to a pastor. Now, 2 years after we reconciled, this problem periodically has shown up. To be fair, in the beginning I have entertained the porn with him. However, I have been able to separate myself from it, he has not. I have prayed over and over. I know God will handle this. However, how do I handle his hard heart and words? I am to the point that I give up. I told myself today I will not talk to him until I feel better. I just don't know what to do. He won't help himself and sees nothing wrong with it. How do I handle this? Modify message Obviously your husband has a problem. I would ask if you have looked inward at yourself to see if you have any equivalent problems. Look up the concept of "female porn". It's in most movies, books, and music. Yet it's culturally accepted and validated. It involves objectifying men as knights in shining armor, where they say everything you want to hear and make all the right moves at all the right times. IMO, this has an equal amount of damage on marriages as physical "male porn". Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 You need to take care of yourself. Being in this situation is very stressful. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much stress do feel you are experiencing? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 His response? Not remorseful. He eventually escalated the argument by saying I am a bad wife and he will eventually leave. Then let him leave. He's got an addiction and maybe losing you again will wake him up. You left before, so you know you'll be alright on your own.... Be strong and just don't allow this to eat you up. Sadly it's out of your control, he can get help and make a big effort in stopping but he hasn't. He puts the blame on you and says you're a bad wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I think people who are obsessed with porn they have no other real highs in their life besides coming so they put all their passion into that,you should work with him to find a passion/purpose for himself that makes him feel alive ,you should get a bit kinky with him perhaps,but if he is really harsh and cold with you I can't see why you'd Bother,but maybe he is just acting that way because of some anger from you about the whole situation. Guys who are obsessed with porn have a void somewhere surely,maybe not maybe they are just very horny I'm really not sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovemetobits Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 As an addict of course he thinks there's nothing wrong with it. I'm also a WOPA and my husband's currently a recovering porn addict under the GreatnessAhead program. Though things are better the past few months than the last 3 years, the memories still haunt me and I have been deeply traumatized. I found out my husband's porn addiction when I checked the history of his laptop. The months after the discovery was hell. But if there's a will, then there's gotta be a way. You should take every opportunity to tell him of the consequences of his addiction. My husband developed erectile dysfunction, we almost got to divorce, he lost his job and we're still paying for the credit card charges that have incurred during his addiction (porn subscriptions). Still thankful that he realized everything and sought out for help before it was too late. Our support and help are useless if the decision to quit doesn't come from him. Best of luck emyree. Link to post Share on other sites
Quest Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 I just don't know what to do. He won't help himself and sees nothing wrong with it. How do I handle this? Modify message Really sorry to hear you are going through this. With all addictions, the addiction is the the main focus of the addict. It comes before everything and everyone, and motivates their behavour and thinking. Not everyone who indulges in porn is addicted to it, just like not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. Some can take it or leave it, but some can't. If your man is addicted, he probably doesn't think anything is wrong with what he's doing because he's not really paying a price for it himself yet - just like an alcoholic can drink for years creating chaos around him/herself but not suffering in him/herself. It's only when he/she really is in real pain from what they're doing they are likely to stop or try to stop. Think the best thing you can do is accept you can't handle HIS addiction. Only he can, if and when he wants to. That means you have to decide if you can tolerate living with this or not, not trying to control it (because you can't), just accepting it and perhaps accepting it might never change. Very hard. But if you make a conscious decision, one way or the other, at least you're taking responsibility for what you can - yourself and your own well being. Wishing you all the very best. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 Just curious here... Is the porn taking place of (in other words "replacing") sexual relations he is having with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 Just curious here... Is the porn taking place of (in other words "replacing") sexual relations he is having with you? This was also my first thought, so seconding the question. Viewing porn in and of itself does not mean addiction or a problem. That he viewed it at work is a little suspect, but. I think with something like this, it can be a pitfall to focus on the porn itself. Instead focus on your sex life. Is it satisfying to you? If not, then you should focus on that. Leave the responsibility of facing the cause(s) to him. By trying to get him to fix the causes, you are taking responsibility for his behavior in a subtle but significant way. He seems to hone right in on that and starts blaming you, as though it must be your fault he watches porn. Or something. Something else to consider is how does it make you feel that he is searching for erotic material of his ex? Let's forget the porn itself for a moment. Let's pretend he never watches porn ever, but you found out he was looking at naked pictures of an ex-wife/girlfriend. How would that make you feel? The reason I bring this up is to encourage you to make sure you know the real reasons you feel bad about the situation. As a recovered codependent woman, I am all too familiar with the mind-wrecking trap of trying to "fix" people. You need to escape that mentality as soon as possible. Instead focus on your needs and your feelings. Are you satisfied with your sex life? How does it make you feel that he wants to get off to his ex? Do you accept him saying such disrespectful **** to you? Any addiction issues, personality flaws and so on are his problem, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
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