XP: comfort for friend facing jail after 3rd DUI

[d0nnivain]

I posted this is coping because I'm trying to cope with my sadness for her, but this may be the better forum.

 

 

A childhood friend got arrested for DWI over the weekend. It's her 3rd offense & she's facing a mandatory 6 months in jail (no getting out early for good behavior or serving time in a hospital). I don't want to debate the law or her potential sentence with anybody. Please take my statement about her sentence at face value.

 

That said, does anybody have suggestions on how I can comfort her, if that is even possible?

 

I know she has a drinking problem. She is in denial so debating that is not going to be productive & I sincerely hope this time she finally learns her lesson. I also hope that being forced to be sober for 6 months will help her dry out.

 

As a result of going to jail she is going to lose her license & custody of her kids. The whole thing is heartbreaking.

 

Mostly I & her other friends keep murmuring that we all still care about her, that it's going to be OK, that we'll help any way we can (but I'm not sure that people will follow through; I certainly am not going to be able to drive her around for the next 10 years) She sounded less suicidal today then other friends has lead me to believe but I worry.

 

I do care about her but I am at a loss. This may be her rock bottom.

[beach]

Hopefully it's her rock bottom but what if it's not?

 

She could have killed innocent people.

 

I hope she quits - I do. But what if she doesn't - where is YOUR boundary?

 

This spoken from a gal who's helped more than 100 people in recovery.

 

If she's not ready she won't quit.

 

Tell her you love her but not her bad behavior. Tell her you will be supportive if she stays sober during jail and after.

 

Most drinkers do better when they understand they start losing good things about their life if they continue drinking.

 

Support her if her behavior changes.

 

And don't assume she can't get what she wants while in jail... I know druggies who get what they need... Not sure about alcoholics getting their booze while in there though.

Edited October 28, 2014 by beach

[d0nnivain]

I get all that I really do but jail is . . . well it's a scary place. I'm not even the one facing this & I'm terrified for her. I just don't think that now is the time for tough love.

[beach]

Has she started going to AA meetings? Has she quit drinking since she got the arrest?

 

Has she gone to detox?

 

 

If you plan to coddle her - you could be helping her stay sick.

[Divasu]

You can help her by supporting her family and get her into detox, NOW.

 

It angers me when I hear this level of irresponsibility on your friend's part.

 

I know she has a disease and all, and for that I am sorry, but this woman has recklessly endangered the lives of others 3 TIMES. Quite frankly, she should already be behind bars.

[carhill]

Most jails allow visits so get placed on the list and visit regularly. A familiar and friendly face can be plenty comforting. As appropriate, reinforce her new commitment to sobriety. Such challenges can be a new beginning. That's up to her.

[johan]

I get all that I really do but jail is . . . well it's a scary place. I'm not even the one facing this & I'm terrified for her. I just don't think that now is the time for tough love.

 

I would say you would lose her as a friend if you tried. As she faces jail time after her third (!) offense it's pretty obvious she isn't willing to listen. Only when a person like that becomes willing to listen have they really hit the bottom. So I'd say she isn't there. When she does get to the point where she'll listen hopefully there will be someone in her life with the courage to speak.

 

She's an idiot and lucky to have you as friends. But at some point you do need to think of your own responsibilities. If you aren't enabling her, you might still be endorsing her behavior. When/if she hurts more people than she already has, in more serious ways, will you still be going along for the ride?

[johan]

As appropriate, reinforce her new commitment to sobriety.

 

I didn't see where there was any commitment. This person is still in denial about her drinking problem according to the first post. I just got that she won't have a choice in jail.

[beach]

Most jails allow visits so get placed on the list and visit regularly. A familiar and friendly face can be plenty comforting. As appropriate, reinforce her new commitment to sobriety. Such challenges can be a new beginning. That's up to her.

 

He never stated she made a commitment to sobriety. He said she's going to jail. Big difference.

 

You can't "help her" unless she admits she's an alcoholic and wants to change.

 

Have you been to an al-anon meeting? You can't "nice" a person into quitting the drinks.

[d0nnivain]

It's barely been 48 hours so no she hasn't gone into detox yet. This disease didn't happen the 1st time she took a drink so you can't expect her to fix it quickly. She's not ready to hear the truth yet. I was thinking of waiting until next week to talk about treatment. I want to wait until the immediate shock has worn off & she may be more open.

 

I do understand that drinking & driving is serious. However there is a difference between enabling & compassion. I am trying to find a way not to pile on her misery while still helping her see that her behavior has to change.

 

Other than proselytizing, do any of you have words of comfort I can offer her to mitigate some of the terror she may be facing?

[Divasu]

It's barely been 48 hours so no she hasn't gone into detox yet. This disease didn't happen the 1st time she took a drink so you can't expect her to fix it quickly. She's not ready to hear the truth yet. I was thinking of waiting until next week to talk about treatment. I want to wait until the immediate shock has worn off & she may be more open.

 

I do understand that drinking & driving is serious. However there is a difference between enabling & compassion. I am trying to find a way not to pile on her misery while still helping her see that her behavior has to change.

 

Other than proselytizing, do any of you have words of comfort I can offer her to mitigate some of the terror she may be facing?

 

Too much coddling not enough action. Just, stop. Pretty please?

 

And yes, each time you excuse her actions (which you've done above, again) you are enabling her. Words of comfort, right now, is not what your friend needs. Those can come during the process when she's in a safer place, and after.

[d0nnivain]

I'm really not trying to excuse her actions & no she has not made a commitment to do anything yet

 

I hope & pray that she does get sober. I expect that she will get some counseling in jail. I will encourage her to go to meetings when she gets out & that is something I would drive her to.

 

Right now, I guess you are all saying I have to just sit on my hands & not try to comfort her because offering anything other then condemnation is enabling. (I don't agree with that but it seems to be what you are telling me)

 

She's not a close enough friend for me to bother with Al-anon although I have been to meetings due to family member's behavior.

 

All I was looking for was things to say to offer some hope -- some reason to get sober -- or at least what not to say. Right this second she's not ready to face her addiction.

[beach]

It's barely been 48 hours so no she hasn't gone into detox yet. This disease didn't happen the 1st time she took a drink so you can't expect her to fix it quickly. She's not ready to hear the truth yet. I was thinking of waiting until next week to talk about treatment. I want to wait until the immediate shock has worn off & she may be more open.

 

I do understand that drinking & driving is serious. However there is a difference between enabling & compassion. I am trying to find a way not to pile on her misery while still helping her see that her behavior has to change.

 

Other than proselytizing, do any of you have words of comfort I can offer her to mitigate some of the terror she may be facing?

 

You're making excuses for her. - she's had PLENTY of time to get help! Stop offering comfort! She could have killed your kids or wife! Would that be enough for you to understand she's had TWO arrests BEFORE now and hasn't changed?

 

And imagine ALL the other times she drove drunk and didn't get caught.

 

Stop making excuses - she's a killer on the loose who should have been motivated enough to go straight to detox or a meeting when she left court - IF she INTENDED to get well.

 

You should be mad that she's not DOING things NOW to get help!

 

She's probably out there now drinking and will drive tonight - and you want to hug her for that? No, you sir should be sitting her down and saying "you have a serious problem - what do you plan to change now (like RIGHT NOW)?

 

You can't nice a person into quitting the drinking. When they find out their bad behavior has ultimately eliminated all who love them - they often realize they need to change.

[carhill]

He never stated she made a commitment to sobriety. He said she's going to jail. Big difference.

 

You can't "help her" unless she admits she's an alcoholic and wants to change.

 

Have you been to an al-anon meeting? You can't "nice" a person into quitting the drinks.

 

 

Yeah, pretty much. A close friend of mine and my exW died earlier this year from alcoholism at age 50. I knew her for 15 and exW over 20. We're pretty familiar.

 

Here's a clue:

 

"As appropriate".

 

Reading my posts helps. Thanks!

[beach]

You can't help a person who doesn't want help.

 

That is all you need to know.

 

 

Buy her a bus pass to go to meetings. In the beginning it's CRITICAL that SHE makes 150% effort. It's an INVESTMENT in HER sobriety. When she gets there most likely people will offer her a ride (and talk recovery while giving her a lift). Let the people in the rooms work their magic if she goes.

 

IF she goes - call her once a week and commend her on her effort and action to invest in her sobriety.

 

I often say "don't reward bad behavior".

[Divasu]

Yeah, pretty much. A close friend of mine and my exW died earlier this year from alcoholism at age 50. I knew her for 15 and exW over 20. We're pretty familiar.

 

Here's a clue:

 

"As appropriate".

 

Reading my posts helps. Thanks!

 

Carhill the ex-wife you've spoken about before on here? If so, oh my gosh I am sorry.

[johan]

Other than proselytizing, do any of you have words of comfort I can offer her to mitigate some of the terror she may be facing?

 

I think you'll be seeing a lot more proselytizing. Most people here see in her a person who is irresponsible and careless even to the point she has lost custody of her kids. And yet remains in denial. Hardly someone to sympathize with, if that's all you know about her.

 

As far as words of comfort, I don't have too many. It's 6 months in jail, not a death sentence. People survive prison ok all the time. There will be others in there who are just like her. As awful as it is, it's still an opportunity, but we all know about people who give up everything that is important in life so they can keep drinking. Opportunities like this are wasted on them.

[carhill]

Carhill the ex-wife you've spoken about before on here? If so, oh my gosh I am sorry.

Yes, it was the last time we spoke, after not speaking for about four years. Got the call while I was on the road out of state so couldn't be there for the funeral. My exW rarely ever cried but that was one of the times. We did the tough love, the meetings, she did the in-patient detox and had a wonderful family. Sometimes it's not recoverable. Hope your friend fares better. I can say that our friend's son, a young adult, had quite a bit of anger to process regarding him mother leaving at such a young age in such a way. Perhaps that leaves another avenue open, that of care and support of family. Good luck!

[beach]

Offer to help her kids. They are the victims of her drinking. Don't make it ok or make excuses for her to them. Tell them she's sick and not herself until she makes effort to change and get help.

 

Offer the kids comfort.

[Divasu]

Yes, it was the last time we spoke, after not speaking for about four years. Got the call while I was on the road out of state so couldn't be there for the funeral. My exW rarely ever cried but that was one of the times. We did the tough love, the meetings, she did the in-patient detox and had a wonderful family. Sometimes it's not recoverable. Hope your friend fares better. I can say that our friend's son, a young adult, had quite a bit of anger to process regarding him mother leaving at such a young age in such a way. Perhaps that leaves another avenue open, that of care and support of family. Good luck!

 

Aye. Tears in my eyes, again so sorry. I wish you well.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes, it was the last time we spoke, after not speaking for about four years. Got the call while I was on the road out of state so couldn't be there for the funeral. My exW rarely ever cried but that was one of the times. We did the tough love, the meetings, she did the in-patient detox and had a wonderful family. Sometimes it's not recoverable. Hope your friend fares better. I can say that our friend's son, a young adult, had quite a bit of anger to process regarding him mother leaving at such a young age in such a way. Perhaps that leaves another avenue open, that of care and support of family. Good luck!

 

Wow carhill. I am sorry. You have been through a lot.

 

OP, I think the tough love from other posts is a little much (just my opinion). There is nothing you can say or do to affect her decision one way or another. It has to come from her, or not at all.

 

The best thing you can do is be there. Just be a friend, don't lecture, but be there if your friend wants to talk about it or needs someone to attend meetings with her, or whatever. Just be there. That is the most important thing and from there, just listen to her and do what you think best.

[beach]

 

OP, I think the tough love from other posts is a little much (just my opinion). There is nothing you can say or do to affect her decision one way or another. It has to come from her, or not at all.

 

The best thing you can do is be there. Just be a friend, don't lecture, but be there if your friend wants to talk about it or needs someone to attend meetings with her, or whatever. Just be there. That is the most important thing and from there, just listen to her and do what you think best.

 

This would be great if she wasn't in denial and wanted help.

 

But he's stated she isn't intending to change on her own will. That is why posters are typing tough love.

[xxoo]

Tell her you love her, and you believe she is worthy of a better life. Tell her you believe her brightest days could be ahead of her, that it is in her power and hers alone to create that future.

 

Remind her that the only direction from here is up.

[Divasu]

Right now, I guess you are all saying I have to just sit on my hands & not try to comfort her because offering anything other then condemnation is enabling. (I don't agree with that but it seems to be what you are telling me)

 

No, that's not what's being said... This is something for the professionals to handle/manage. You being the non-professional, who has volunteered to help, can perhaps help guide the way from point A, to point B.

 

Your friend is certainly not going to do it herself. But, here's to hoping.

 

Lastly, you mentioned she has had suicidal thoughts, so I'd like to ask....What exactly is the hold up here?

[beach]

I've watched a dear long time friend get 8 DUI's and serve several jail/prison terms.

 

You would have thought he would have hit rock bottom.

 

But his 35 year marriage ended and his kids cut off communicating with him and he still didn't stop. He even lost his job his house and his friends. He pushed everyone away.

 

He stays sober short term but he's a binge drinker and when he starts he can't stop until he's in jail.

 

Some people can't admit they need help. Some people allow it to control their whole life. Some can't get well.

 

It's a very difficult disease. It's possible to quit though. For me, it had to become my top priority/accomplishment each and every day.