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I am a Love Addict


Addiction & Recovery Recognizing, conquering, and coping with addictions, substance abuse & dependence.

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Old 18th May 2013, 1:29 AM   #1
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I am a Love Addict

Hello Everyone,

Kapil here from New Delhi, India. I am not here looking for any love. I am here only to see what people think about love addiction...is there anyone suffering from the same problem...how is love addiction affecting their lives...any emotional problems etc..

I am a normal man by all standards...I have a nice loving family...I am doing a good job but I think I am a love addict...I read a lot about love addiction and I think this is what is affecting me...Love addiction with a girl I fell in love with 5 years ago before my marriage ...

She has total control over me...and I think more about her welfare than about myself...I can do anything to please her even if she is insulting me all the time...It is like cigarette addiction...I know she is not good for me...even then I want to be with her

Is there anyone suffering from the same problem???
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Old 20th May 2013, 2:05 PM   #2
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Love Addiction is Real- Recovered Love Addict

Hi Kapil,
Just wanted to share my knowledge and experience of love addiction. It is a real deal problem. I’ve had a long pattern of addictive relationships and although can feel good intitially, they become very painful.

Some of the characteristics of love addiction include choosing partners who like yourself, are controlling; alos tolerating disrespectful or abusive behaviors; falling in love and attracting with emotionally unavailable partners; giving up ones values, interests, hobbies or goals when in the relationship; self esteem and boundary issues. There are more. There is a lot of good information on this problem. Many health professional still do not understand it- I know by experience because I went to counseling for years before finding an authority expert who helped me break the painful patterns and learn to love myself without “needing” someone so desperately.

Because the help I got was so transformational, if anyone reading this is suffering from this problem,
I highly recommend the expert who helped me; he works with many across the world online or on the phone; and alos has trememndous books and recovery workbooks.

His name is Jim Hall, MS; he is a love addiction specialist, you can find him and his books 9as well as many good articles) at Recovering from Love Addiction... Help for Love Addicts- Recover, Heal, Overcome Obsessive Love, LEARN - GROW - RECOVER - Help for Love Addiction - Relationship Addiction - Recovery Treatment for Love Addicts. Kapil, I do hope you get help because you don’t deserve to live with this problem. I wish you well.
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Old 4th June 2013, 3:22 PM   #3
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are you going to SLAA or have a therapist?
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Old 9th June 2013, 1:50 PM   #4
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Thanks Howie, for the book/author suggestion, it looks excellent.


Also, there are many other books available at the library on this topic. For women, my personal favorite is

"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

It is a very famous book.

There are so many other websites and books. You should spend time every day trying to read all you can. Time, and research, will be your key to learning, changing, healing.

Google "Love Addiction" to begin with. All the best to you.
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Old 10th June 2013, 6:36 AM   #5
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How can anyone be 'addicted' to something that is a necessity for life?

I just don't buy this trend of labelling everything an addiction. It's like saying you're 'addicted' to food or water.

'Love addiction' is clearly a mental problem that needs addressing but please call it what it actually is - an addiction to the chemicals that are released in the brain not 'love' itself.
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Old 11th June 2013, 9:54 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleTiger View Post
How can anyone be 'addicted' to something that is a necessity for life?
It's not a necessity for life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleTiger View Post
I just don't buy this trend of labelling everything an addiction. It's like saying you're 'addicted' to food or water.
You're entitled to your own opinion but um, that makes no sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleTiger View Post
'Love addiction' is clearly a mental problem that needs addressing but please call it what it actually is - an addiction to the chemicals that are released in the brain not 'love' itself.
Yep it's a mental problem. Kind of like how all addictions are mental problems. If we just called every addiction brain chemical release addiction, how would we differentiate them?

OP I am a love addict, I fall in love with every attractive person I see before I even get to know them and I'm still in love(obsessed) with my ex who does everything imaginable to humiliate me inadvertently or on purpose.
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Old 15th June 2013, 5:04 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by howie2349 View Post
Hi Kapil,
Just wanted to share my knowledge and experience of love addiction. It is a real deal problem. I’ve had a long pattern of addictive relationships and although can feel good intitially, they become very painful.

Some of the characteristics of love addiction include choosing partners who like yourself, are controlling; alos tolerating disrespectful or abusive behaviors; falling in love and attracting with emotionally unavailable partners; giving up ones values, interests, hobbies or goals when in the relationship; self esteem and boundary issues. There are more. There is a lot of good information on this problem. Many health professional still do not understand it- I know by experience because I went to counseling for years before finding an authority expert who helped me break the painful patterns and learn to love myself without “needing” someone so desperately.

Because the help I got was so transformational, if anyone reading this is suffering from this problem,
I highly recommend the expert who helped me; he works with many across the world online or on the phone; and alos has trememndous books and recovery workbooks.

His name is Jim Hall, MS; he is a love addiction specialist, you can find him and his books 9as well as many good articles) at Recovering from Love Addiction... Help for Love Addicts- Recover, Heal, Overcome Obsessive Love, LEARN - GROW - RECOVER - Help for Love Addiction - Relationship Addiction - Recovery Treatment for Love Addicts. Kapil, I do hope you get help because you don’t deserve to live with this problem. I wish you well.
I only ever peruse the breaking up and coping sections on ls,but I'm so glad I ventured tod further afield today. Thanks,howie, although I'd heard of love addiction,I'd never read up on it before. I followed your link to the excellent website and began to read a description of myself.I found it both enlightening and painful. Painful to actually see written down all the horrible,shameful,pathetic things I've been feeling......but enlightening to know that plenty of others are feeling the same way,which in turn slightly lessons the "pathetic,shameful"feelings....if that even makes sense?

I've signed up for the newsletter and am contemplating the work book,but have spent so much already on other self help books that I'm reluctant to part with more.I wish I'd seen this first,as it definitely seems the best.

Thanks again.
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Old 26th June 2013, 8:22 PM   #8
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Yes im a love addict and I'm ashamed to admit it

Last edited by annaballerina; 26th June 2013 at 9:41 PM..
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Old 2nd July 2013, 9:27 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by annaballerina View Post
Yes im a love addict and I'm ashamed to admit it
Don't be ashamed. Fear and shame are not who you are. That is part of the "disease". One day you will be grateful for being a love addict. Accept this is who you are is part of the first step.

good link...

Addictive Love
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Old 2nd July 2013, 9:32 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Forever Learning View Post
Thanks Howie, for the book/author suggestion, it looks excellent.


Also, there are many other books available at the library on this topic. For women, my personal favorite is

"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

It is a very famous book.

There are so many other websites and books. You should spend time every day trying to read all you can. Time, and research, will be your key to learning, changing, healing.

Google "Love Addiction" to begin with. All the best to you.
For men, I recommend the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

No More Mr. Nice Guy
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Old 2nd July 2013, 9:36 AM   #11
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love this...

"Self Validation"


"From the time we are born, we need validation. Loving parents offer consistent validation to their children, validating their feelings, their perceptions, their gifts and talents, their particular form of intelligence, their interests, their kindness, caring, and intuition. You are very fortunate if you received this kind of validation from your parents.
If your parents also validated their own feelings, perceptions, and so on, then you are extremely fortunate, as you likely learned to do this for yourself from their role modeling.

However, if your parents did not validate you or themselves, then the chances are that not only do you not know how to do this for yourself, but you don't even know that it is your responsibility to do this for yourself.

Since I received very little validation as I was growing, and I never saw my parents validate themselves, I had no idea how to do it or even that it was possible to do this for myself. Now I know that self-validation is not only possible, but absolutely necessary to feel happy, inwardly peaceful, secure, worthy, and have loving relationships with others.

How To Validate Yourself

In order to validate yourself, you need to start to notice two things:

You need to start to notice how much you judge yourself rather than value yourself.
You need to start to notice your feelings, your inner knowing, and your acts of kindness to others, and consciously value them.
Judging yourself is the opposite of validating yourself, and creates much inner pain and insecurity. Self-judgment is generally a form of control to get yourself to do things "right" so that others will validate you and approve of you. But as much as you may succeed in getting others to approve of you, as long as you are judging yourself you will continue to feel badly about yourself.

All feelings are informational, letting you know when you are abandoning yourself with your self-judgments and various addictions, and when others are being uncaring toward you and disconnected from you. As you learn to attend to your feelings and validate the information they are giving you, you will start to feel a deeper sense of self-worth and self-esteem. As you learn to trust your inner knowing rather than make others your authority for what is right or wrong for you, you will start to feel more inwardly powerful. When you choose to be kind to yourself and to others and value yourself for your kindness, you will find yourself feeling very happy with yourself.

Think of your feelings and inner knowing as an actual child - your inner child. If you had an actual child and you wanted to raise that child to feel very secure, loved, and valued, how would you treat that child? How do you wish you had been treated as a child? This is how you need to treat yourself - your own inner child, if you want to become a self-validating person.

Finally, you need to do a third thing to self-validate:

You need to take loving action in your behalf based on what is loving to you - on what is in your highest good. In order to do this, you need to be devoted to learning to see yourself through the eyes of your Higher Self rather than through the eyes of your ego wounded self. You need to tune into the wisdom of your Higher Self to know what is loving action toward yourself and others. Your inner child will not know that he or she is important to you if you do not take loving action in your own behalf: eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, speaking up for yourself with others without blame, creating a balance between work and play, moving yourself toward doing work you love, and so on.
You will discover yourself feeling better and better about yourself and needing less and less validation from others as you take these steps."
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Old 2nd July 2013, 9:37 AM   #12
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5 Ways to Self Validate

"We all have techniques we depend on to lift our spirits when we’re feeling down about ourselves or our lives.

A while back I realized something about the ones I’d found most effective when struggling to forgive or accept myself: Many of them involved seeking validation from other people.

Some of my most effective mood-boosters included:

Reading emails from readers who’d benefitted from my writing
Calling people I loved and reminding myself of how much they valued me
Sharing my experiences and recognizing through the resultant conversations that I wasn’t alone with my feelings and struggles
These are all perfectly valid approaches to feeling better, but they all hinge on praise and external support.

Getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves.

I’ve come up with a few ideas to create a little more balance in my support system, making myself a more central part of it.

If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing to depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful:

1. Make a “you” section in your daily gratitude journal.

Of course this assumes you already keep a gratitude journal to recognize and celebrate all the good things in your day. If you don’t, you can still take a few minutes every day to give yourself some credit.

Note down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be.

When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most.

2. Before seeking external validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself.

Odds are you aren’t always looking for someone’s advice or opinion when you come to them with a painful story. You’re looking for them to confirm you didn’t do anything wrong—or that, if you did, you’re not a bad person for it.

Essentially, you’re looking for someone else to see the best in you and believe in you. Give yourself what you’re seeking from them before making that call. Then by all means, make it if you want to.

The goal isn’t to stop reaching out to others. It’s to also be there for yourself. Do that first.

The words you want to hear from someone else will be far more powerful if you fully believe what they’re saying.

3. Recognize when you’re judging your feelings.

If you’re in the habit of feeling bad about feeling down, or feeling bad about feeling insecure—or generally having emotional reactions to emotions—you will inevitably end up feeling stuck and helpless.

Get in the habit of telling yourself, “I have a right to feel how I feel.” This will help you understand your feelings and work through them much more easily, because you won’t be so deeply embedded in negativity about yourself.

Once you’ve accepted your feelings, you’ll then be free to seek support for the actual problem—not your self-judgment about having to deal with it.

4. See yourself as the parent to the child version of you.

I know this one might sound odd—bear with me! Many of us didn’t receive the type of love, support, and kindness we needed growing up, and this may have taught us to treat ourselves harshly and critically.

When you’re looking for that warm, fuzzy feeling that emerges when someone you trust tells you, “Everything is going to be okay,” imagine yourself saying it to your younger self.

Picture that little kid who tried so hard, meant no harm, and just wanted to be loved and cherished. This will likely help in deflating your self-criticism and fill you a genuine sense of compassion for yourself.

Once again, this doesn’t need to be an alternative to seeking compassion from others; it just provides a secure foundation from which you’ll be better able to receive that.

5. Get in the habit of ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”

Oftentimes when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves.

If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced?

You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energized, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself.

This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously.

One more thing has helped me tremendously in validating myself: accepting that it’s okay to need reminders like these. There was a time when I saw this as something shameful—an indication that other people who seemed self-assured were somehow better than me.

I wondered why self-kindness didn’t always come instinctively. But when I stopped judging myself, I remembered all the experiences that helped shape my critical inner voice. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I needed to put in some effort; it was a sign of strength that I was willing to do it."
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