Well Into Recovery and Contemplating Long-distance Relationship

[susanb]

I'm looking to share experience with others who are at my stage of recovery. I have grown from what I've learned about abandonment grief and my life is going much better than it was before my last relationship.

 

I've met someone new and he seems different than the guys I've dated before. He is a good communicator, so that is a relief, because I feel we can get to the bottom-line if we need to. This has just started though.

 

We met in a location halfway between our two homes. He was thinking of moving here before he met me, and does work sometimes close to my home, but I don't want a long-distance relationship and it is too early for me to be pressuring him. I have told him how I feel already. My two best friends who really do have my best interests at heart (women who have maintained long-term happy marriages) have encouraged me to check it out.

 

I've agreed to go out with him when he's up here in a week or so. So far ok, I think, but tonight I found myself being kind of pushy, demanding, with him over the phone and I don't want to be that way. I think I just am so fearful, that I will continue to be this way, and sabatouge what could be a good relationship.

 

My other option is to wait until he moves here, if he does, before starting anything. On the other hand, I've never met a guy who communicates with me this well. I also feel like I can be myself and it feels good to be around him.

 

Have any of you tried to do a long-distance relationship given what you now know. In recovery has it worked for you or not? Thanks for sharing.

[Just Visiting]

I understand what you are saying in regards to this new relationship. I am still in the process of abandonment grief and met someone who is unlike my past two exes. I go from wanting to get closer, to not wanting to get involved at all. We are still in the "getting to know you" basis so I haven't brought this issue up with him yet.

 

It is good that you are aware of your thought and behaviour patterns with this new guy. And it is okay to be afraid, I go through that too. Remind yourself that those feelings are part of the process. Don't let those fears overwhelm you though, then you are become stuck.

 

Based on what you have said, I feel that it would be good to continue seeing this guy. You have the distance to take it slow, plus the opportunity to acquaint yourselves when the time is right. Perhaps once or if he moves in the area, you will be on more solid footing. Communication is a major player and so far it seems that he has it. Best wishes.