confused_gf Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Hey all, A few weeks ago I made a post about this guy I've been seeing. Our relationship has been pretty confusing as he was sending me very mixed signals. At one moment he told me that he didn't want a relationship, yet he began asking me on dates, asking me to spend the night, holding me all through the night, making me breakfast, etc. I figured that it might take him longer to feel the attachment that I feel for him. Truth is, I think about him all the time. I love spending time with him, I love talking to him on the phone for hours, when we are together I love the way he makes me feel. I don't think I have ever felt this way about a person, ever. We spent some of Christmas day together and two days later I still hadn't heard from him, I was a little concerned. Very late on the second night he texts me some silly thing and then we end up talking on the phone. A few days ago when were supposed to hang out he told me he was at a friends getting "party favors" and so I asked him what he meant by that. He said he was getting "yolo"(coke) and weed. I asked him what the former was for and he said some for his birthday, christmas, etc. He then proceeded to tell me he only does it socially and on weekends. I attempted to ask him several times how many weekends in a row he had been doing it but he would fail to answer my question instead saying that it wasn't a problem for him like it used to be. Finally, after asking him several more times how long he had been using on a regular basis he said that its been pretty consistent over the months. After this point I start hyperventilating and crying. I'm in love with a drug addict. I guess the part that bothers me the most is that I'm not sure if the person I love is real or the creation of a drug. Now I feel totally helpless...I'm trying to not contact him, but I'm so in love with him. He says he understands if I don't want to sleep with him anymore, but that he still wants me in his life and that he cares about me. But now I feel like what would be the point? I don't do those kind of drugs and I don't want to watch him ruin his life. But maybe he needs me? His birthday is today and I'm not sure what to do at all. Help? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Needs you? Nah. Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Hoohhhh boy. I wish I didn't have experience with this, but I do. If I weren't on my phone, I'd link to my thread from a couple years ago (everything is impossible on this stupid phone). In 2011, I ended a 9+ year relationship with C. In Jan of 2011, I found out that C had been doing coke for the past 3-4 years. I'd had NO idea. I'd noticed severe changes in his behaviour but handnt even considered coke. He'd always been a drinker and I'd thought his behavioural changes were related to increased drinking triggered by his aunt passing away suddenly at age 53 or so. She was like a second mom to him and he didn't grieve so I thought this is what caused the increased drinking. I ended up having to end things with him. He's actually clean now, which he did on his own, and nothing I could have done would have made that happen. I too had been devastated to learn I was involved with a drug addict. I ended up going to NarAnon meetings. They actually helped me feel not alone, 'normalized' my nightmare enough to give me strength to move on emotionally. You aren't in a real relationship with this guy. Spare yourself - cut loose. Believe me...he doesn't need you. He's been pretty clear that he doesn't even want that much from you, but it sounds like you're hoping for more. That combined with cocaine...oh man, trust me, you do NOT want to be running around, dealing with the lies, the inconsistencies. It'll do your head in. The voice of experience says: WALK. Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 Coke is one ****ed up drug. Every once in a while, like in Vegas or something...Im ok with. But every weekend? Hell no. The come down from coke is bad enough to want to kill yourself...so people typically mix it with benzodiazepine (Xanax). You end taking other **** to help with the coke. Bad bad combination. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 Sorry to say it- this dude can take you or leave you. He is MESSED up on COKE and it's time for you to gather some self respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_gf Posted December 30, 2012 Author Share Posted December 30, 2012 Coke is one ****ed up drug. Every once in a while, like in Vegas or something...Im ok with. But every weekend? Hell no. The come down from coke is bad enough to want to kill yourself...so people typically mix it with benzodiazepine (Xanax). You end taking other **** to help with the coke. Bad bad combination. Yeah, it wouldn't be a big deal to me if he was just going all out for his birthday and then back to business as usual. But how can someone use cocaine once a week for months on end and not be totally ****ed up? To me, it sounds like he is trying to cover up the fact that he has a serious addiction, but then again I'm not sure. When we were together he seemed normal. The only thing I can point to is him being kind of talkative and very warm in terms of body temperature. Other than that he seemed very "put together", always very clean and coherent. Also, I told him he probably would not be willing to meet me in the middle and he asked "What is the middle?" I said "Not using cocaine" and he said "Yeah, I can't do that." Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 If he says he does it once a week, my guess would be that he probably does it like three times a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_gf Posted December 30, 2012 Author Share Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) You aren't in a real relationship with this guy. Kraft, I can only imagine how difficult your situation must have been. Whats crazy is how long some can keep up a semblance of normality. What you said about our "relationship" is probably true, but to me it feels like the realest relationship I have ever had. Everything feels so natural with him, I can't even describe it. Until he told me about the drugs I thought that my soulmate had landed in my lap. I'm feeling kind of deceived by myself at this point, I always thought I could read people very well and I never thought I would fall in love with someone who was habitually using hard drugs. Also, it might be important that we both come from dysfunctional families. His Dad died when he was ten and from what he has told me his mom just abandoned him for a long time, leaving him and his brother to their own devices. I came from a house where my Dad left me and my mom, and though my mom did her best, she fell short as a parent (also got involved with an abusive drug addict). I feel lucky to have come out of it as well adjusted as I am. On one hand I'm trying to learn from my mother's mistakes, on the other I wonder who is looking out for him? Who is going to tell him whats what or that they even care about him? During his birthday and Christmas his mom was in Hawaii living it up. I have yet to meet her but he describes her as selfish and materialistic. He also says she spent the money his father left them on clothes and other riff raff until their house went into foreclosure. Unfortunately, I think the lack of parentage has really affected him. I find myself playing "mommy" with him - I'm also 1.5 years older than him and have always been mature for my age. On one hand I don't mind holding him, babying him, and giving him the direction he needs. But he seems to want to push my boundaries to find out what I will tolerate, in one moment he will try to seem like he isn't that concerned about me or having a relationship with me, but when I go to break it off he blames me for not "sticking around" to show that I really care about him and tries to bargain for me to stay. Sometimes I've found that men who play this "I really don't need you" game need you the most...they are just too insecure to admit it. I told him that if he would have told me about the drugs any later I would have beat the crap out of him, I think thats what his mom should have done years ago if she was a good parent. Edited December 30, 2012 by confused_gf Link to post Share on other sites
redleader Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 If it is a problem for you then the answer is quite simple for both of you: Respect the addiction and hope it doesn't get worse or he doesn't start getting coked out violent, or it is time to leave. It is 100% on him to quit, not to say you can't be supportive if that is his will. But if his addiction is more important than you are in the end, time to go. An addicts mind will make the coke more important than you if it is severe enough. That sucks, but it is what it is. Don't trick yourself into thinking he will change for you, addiction is not just a switch to turn off, but a long and painful process both ways when using or quitting. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 He's in denial about his drug problem. Sorry that you had to fall for him and then find this out. Make it a deal breaker. I stopped using coke in 1994 after losing everything. I was so out of control that I had to let someone beautiful go because she deserved better. That's still a scar. Link to post Share on other sites
redleader Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 not sure if this will help any, but if he's buying the stuff from a 'normal' dealer, there is a very, very good chance that it's less than 5% pure... I.e. is sooooo far down the food chain, that it's not really coke... it mostly gets cut with things like baking soda; sugars, such as lactose, dextrose, inositol, and mannitol; and local anesthetics, such as lidocaine or benzocaine, which mimic or add to cocaine's numbing effect on mucous membranes. Cocaine may also be "cut" with other stimulants such as methamphetamine (which is used in obesity drugs and nasal sprays) what I'm trying to say, is there is a very good chance he is just an idiot getting conned, and not a drug addict addicted to 'coke' very, very few people have ever had decent coke, containing a decent % of true cocaine.... This is however true. Where I live I know this to be true, stepped on so many times it is not even a drug anymore, and you have no idea what it was cut with which is dangerous. Of course, he could be compensating by doing a crapload of it. Either way it is still a problem and is hurting their relationship, whether his guy is ripping him off or not seems irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Michellinda Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 RUN RUN RUN!!! I've been in two relationships with Coke heads and their first priority will always be cocaine. They lie and basically use all their money on buying coke. They also have mood swings, depression, laziness. I am telling you, you will not be happy in the long run. i know you are falling in love with him but this relationship is doomed to fail. Addicts never really fall in love. How can they when they don't love themselves? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 You cannot look after him if he is not willing to look after himself. You cannot take on the responsibility of your own life AND his. He is an adult. You laid it out there and said you don't want coke in your life. He said he would not quit. So you have your answer. You need to get away from him. You are correct when you say your relationship isn't real. You don't even know who he is under all the drugs. If he is admitting to once a week, he likely does it way more often than that. Well - often enough that the thought of living without it is unbearable and not worth trying, even if it means your relationship will end. You need to let him go. Hopefully, he will decide on his own to quit. But that's not up to you. You have to decide what you want your life to be, and unfortunately choosing a life with him is choosing a life with drugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_gf Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Hey all, so surprised to come back to so many new responses. Here is an update: A while ago me and this guy decided to be friends. On the first night of being "friends" he asks me to go play pool one night after work and two games of pool/three beers later and we are back at my place making out and ripping off eachothers clothes. So much for that I guess. In the following weeks things seem to get better. Communication is more open. We spend every weekend three times in a row together. The last time we hung out we spent two days together, went on a hike, came back to my house, got some take out, and he fell asleep in my lap. I felt extremely content when it was all said and done. The following three days after we hang out he is texting me everyday and everything seems cool. Then he "disappears" for almost a week. I call him up one night and he doesn't call me back, I assume that things must be over. The next morning I wake up to a text from him saying that he slept for 14 hrs and missed my call. I call him and ask him what he did this weekend. Obvious answer: cocaine/partying. He then proceeds to act in his usual charming way and joke around with me. I told him in the time we hadn't seen eachother I cut off my hair (not because of him, I had been planning it for months) and felt like a different person. He told me that was a typical "girl thing to say". I tried not to lose my cool at that point, but I was starting to feel upset. Finally I said "After all this time and all you really have to say to me is that you went out, partied this weekend, did cocaine, missed my call because you were sleeping for 14 hrs, and that I am just a 'typical' girl?" He sort of jokingly apologized and I ended up breaking off the conversation. I told him I had plans to be by myself until the weekend. That night he texted me saying "How's the isolation booth?" I didn't respond. The next day he calls me in the afternoon to see if I want to grab a beer. I tell him not really. There is a long awkward pause and he says "Ok, thats all I wanted to know." I say "Ok, bye." The last time we spoke was on Monday, he asked me if he could come over and we could smoke some weed. I said "Let me think about it". He sounded kind of hurt. In the weakest voice he said "Well, thats ok, I'll call you later or you can call me..." I felt pretty bad for him at that point and said that was fine. We hung up and I didn't call him back. At this point I am feeling like it is all hopeless. I feel like I myself am breaking an addiction and I'm trying to be strong for the sake of my emotional well being. For a few days I could only talk about him and would sporadically burst into tears, feeling like "How did I fall so hard for this person only to realize all of this crap now?" I want to believe that he really cares for me, but a big part of me is saying that he is just using me and will probably end up hurting me in more ways than I can anticipate. I've been going to church, reorganizing my life, I'm back in school (which is a good distraction), looking for a better job. I've also been doing a lot of reading on emotionally/unavailable, passive aggressive men and unfortunately, he fits most of the descriptions to a T. Mainly the very drastic push and pull. He won't commit to me but he won't let me completely leave either. I keep hoping he will call me and say something real that speaks to my heart. Or give me a sincere apology for everything I've been through, but I know it probably won't happen. Even if he did, I still feel like I can't trust him at all. I never want to go through this again. I've been through so much with men, my own father, my mother's abusive/lame boyfriends, my own stupid boyfriends. It will take me a long time to heal. At the very least I've learned that I need to get to know someone very well before getting involved with them emotionally and physically. I tend to think I can make assumptions based on a gut feeling, well...look where that got me. Unfortunately, a big part of me still feels this doubt, like I might be making a huge mistake letting him go. I still can't understand why this is after learning about his coke use and "other girl-friends". In the meantime, I am staying strong and positive and letting this BS blow in the breeze. Link to post Share on other sites
Michellinda Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Proud of you confused gf. I finally read your thread. So crazy how these men don't know what they lose (us) for a stupid drug. I want to know what ended up happening. Let me know. Hope you are doing well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_gf Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Michellinda, Thank you so much for the kind words and support. I have been going through a tough time right now. I'm unemployed, about to graduate school (with debt and with a "useless" degree), and the breakup has only contributed sleepless nights and a blow to my overall self-esteem. So at the moment I am just trying to focus on getting out of college and having enough energy to get a job, and build up slowly from there. I feel like I've isolated myself and burnt so many bridges at this point in my life. The worst feeling is that he gets to mosey around-do coke, sleep with whoever, and live his life while I deal with the pain and suffering. I think my irrational mind feels like everything would be okay if we were together again, but I know that I really need to work on my own personal happiness....do something about this depression and find meaning in my life again. Wish me luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Michellinda Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 I wish you the best of luck. It is better that they arent coming around looking for us because then we would continue being with these dead beats! Best thing for us is to move on. xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_gf Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Hello again! I thought I would post an update since this situation keeps on going and going and going.... I broke off all contact with this guy and life was starting to look a bit better, (although I have to admit I thought about him constantly). One night I thought to myself "You know what, I need to stop thinking about him. He is never going to contact me and I'm never going to contact him." Sure enough, I look down at my phone and there is a long sloppy text from him saying that he wanted to apologize for some things he said and did to me. But that he felt that I had been a bitch to him, but he misses me and if I feel the same way I should get back in contact with him. I couldn't believe that he actually made this kind of maneuver. I also couldn't believe he said I had been acting "like a bitch". Therein always lies the problem, he kind of does something nice and then he turns around and calls me a "bitch". Anyways, I was feeling really skeptical of this apology so I texted him that I would get back to him when it felt right. A few hours later I receive a text saying that he doesn't want to lead me on and that he only sent the text because he was drunk and if I want to hang out to get back to him. I'm like.....WHAT....THE....F****!!!!!! This guy is something else! A total ass! Long story short: I ended up calling him just to talk and see what this all really meant. I tried to talk it out with him and the whole time he was just silent on the other line or trying to put words in my mouth or saying that events that happened didn't actually occur or saying he doesn't want to "rekindle" anything anyways. He is quite a treasure. I guess what hurts the most is: where is that person I fell in love with? Honestly I thought I found the perfect guy to stay in with, hang out with, cuddle, watch movies, have sex, have great conversation, and I got? Was that even real? Anyway, this little situation only further cemented the fact that me and him are completely DONE. I think that he is either a sociopath or has some MAJOR mommy issues (I can now recall him asking me to scratch his back "just like mom did".....bleh). OR all the coke has fried his brain. I really need to break the cycle of dating people like my dad: liar, cheater, manipulative. Its gotten me to the point where I no longer seek to please people like before. If people don't like me OH WELL. At least no one is trying to control me and do head games on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_gf Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 I'd also like to add that he told me he drunk dials all of his exes...like a ritual. He also told me that he knew we weren't compatible because of my "opinions and perceptions". NOT his drug use or partying or slutting around! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 You fell in love with the mask. Change your phone number and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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