man_in_the_box Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Hey, First post, but I've been reading this board for a while now, and already spend a lot of time trying to find the answer but have not succeeded yet. It's the classic issue of porn in a relationship, this time coming from the watcher's perspective. Long story short - I've always watched porn since the age of 15 on and off (currently almost 24). I got involved with my girlfriend at the age of 20 and during the first 8-9 months I didn't feel the urge to watch porn whatsoever. However it was stupid of me to think such a long-settled habit would just disappear like that *poof* and eventually that led to a slip where I watched porn again. I think I did the right thing and immediately admitted what I had done to my gf and although she initially was supportive things became not so nice rather quick. She felt threatened by the porn and felt like I was replacing/comparing her with the people in porn. A very understandable reaction from what I've read in countless other threads about this issue. Anyway, what I do think is that giving someone with a problem such as this the task to simply *not watch porn* tends to make it infinitely more attractive. So it went into hiding, since I couldn't resist not watching it not could I gather to courage to confess again that I watched it. That wasn't a pleasant experience. Not that my gf was a perfect little angle but that's another story. Anyway around April 2011 the relation took a positive turn (I was getting at the point of breaking up since it was quite crappy for almost 1,5 years) and my girlfriend started actively recovering from a depression she had been in. During September I watched porn for the last time and 2 months later, after a confession of her side about stuff that happened in the past, I decided to come clean once again. Since we've matured and our relationship had become much stronger over the last couple of months she was able to process the porn problem with more patience and understanding although clearly indicating that she still didn't like me to do. This continued till today, I've not actively been searching for online material that visually stimulates. But the urge to do it is still there! It's not that our sex life is crap. We both invest enough time in it (especially after the depression stuff) and I have never had trouble performing whether using porn besides the sex or not. Nor do I think we need to 'spice' up things since that part is also well covered. I'm quite happy with that part of the relationshipt as it is. But I just have this desire to watch porn - and I'm bright enough to understand that I would just hurt my gf and put our relationship at risk for indulging in porn. But will I ever not have this crave to seek out porn? I'd kept in mind initially that if I abstain for long enough that the cravings would become less... but it's been f*cking seven months already. I've recently stopped smoking and that's patheticly easy compared to not watch porn. I miss it, yet I wish I didn't miss it at all. I was wondering if there's anyone that has been through this process before and knows anything I could do. I've tried being completely abstinent for a while but that just makes me want to jump out of a window. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 obviously you are at a point where you want to do something about it. that is a huge step. i would suggest SLAA or similar to garner some tools in fighting this. find some answers there (men's meetings only) from men struggling with this same addiction (yes that is what it is). you said it yourself...you dont need it, but you miss it. if you cant not not do something then perhaps you need to take a look at it. you want what is best for you and that will make your relationship with her even better. i am sure she will support you working on this. it will bring you two closer, but it will bring you closer to the real you...that might be what is missing in the end. best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 So you're an on and off porn user who doesn't seem to have had any issue being intimate with his partner otherwise? Yes, you sound like an addict to me. It does however sound like you have a partner who doesn't like that you watch it and you worry that not changing will cause her to leave. Do you want to stop? Is it otherwise having an negative impact on your life? Are you meeting all of your obligations? Are you watching for hours every day? Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_in_the_box Posted May 6, 2012 Author Share Posted May 6, 2012 (edited) Sorry didn't find time toreply in the couple of past days. Thanks for taking the time to reply to this obviouslyyou are at a point where you want to do something about it. that is a hugestep. i would suggest SLAA orsimilar to garner some tools in fighting this. find some answers there (men'smeetings only) from men struggling with this same addiction (yes that is whatit is). you said it yourself...you dont need it, but you miss it. if you cantnot not do something then perhaps you need to take a look at it. you want what is best foryou and that will make your relationship with her even better. i am sure shewill support you working on this. it will bring you two closer, but it willbring you closer to the real you...that might be what is missing in the end.best of luck. I've always been at that point in my relationship. I never liked that I"had" to watch porn not because of principal reasons but because ithurt my gf if I do. I'm doing something about it, I haven't giving in to mydesires for months now. But the problem is that my desire for porn doesn't fadeaway. For example when I stopped smoking (twice now) I'd be a bit agitated fora couple of days but after 2-3 weeks I didn't miss smoking at all anymore.However with porn it stays the same. I still miss it like if I've just stoppedwatching yesterday. I want to know if this desire ever fades or if I keepfeeling like this for the rest of my life. It's not that I can't resist watchingporn since I've been actively doing that for a long while now What do you mean with “ifyou cant not not do something then perhaps you need to take a look at it.”? Soyou're an on and off porn user who doesn't seem to have had any issue beingintimate with his partner otherwise? Yes, you sound like an addict to me It does however sound likeyou have a partner who doesn't like that you watch it and you worry that notchanging will cause her to leave. Do you want to stop? Is itotherwise having an negative impact on your life? Are you meeting all of yourobligations? Are you watching for hours every day Well, yes I am an addict toa certain extent I guess. If I wasn’t I would never have never watched pornafter abstaining of it when I got into a relationship with a woman who doesn’tlike me watching porn and I would have never missed porn at all. It’s notreally something I obsessed over, I used to watch it whenever I masturbatedbecause it gives me a kick. However this would be done in a couple of minutes.My frequency was quite low as well, maybe every 2-3 weeks in the periods when Iwatched it in a relationship. Before I was in a relationship I would use itmore, but still nothing more than a quick wank every now and then I still make love with my gf whenever we canand I don’t watch porn at the moment. I just still miss it a lot. Edited May 6, 2012 by man_in_the_box Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 Would your gf watch it with you? Just curious. But, maybe that suggestion isn't a good one if you are addicted to watching porn. Have you seen a therapist to help with this? If not, consider it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author man_in_the_box Posted May 7, 2012 Author Share Posted May 7, 2012 Yup, she told me she would be up for that but I really don't feel like doing that. It's not related to my problem at all. I used to watch porn whenever I masturbated and that was only when I couldn't be intimate with my gf for some reason or she simply isn't in the mood. We don't live together, while we spend relatively much time together it happens often that I have to spend some days alone. I"m afraid it would just reinforce my desire for porn. We've had a talk about it last week. We're going to see a therapist in the summer but I'm somewhat doubtfull about it. How will this person be able to destroy my need for porn? I can imagine myself not giving in to my desires for more days, weeks, months maybe even years but for the rest of my life? It's as if we've hit a brickwall in the relationship which is sad since we've fought through a lot of **** before this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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