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Physical Abuse - Woman Attacking Man - am I dreaming?


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Old 28th July 2017, 9:23 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GorillaTheater View Post
You'd have to be out of your ****ing mind to go back to that. She spit in your face? How in the hell can you possibly have a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with anyone who would do that to you?


And then there's the potential for violence. Don't listen to anyone who says "well, just hit her back." Dumbasses like that are out there, and they don't have a clue how the system works. Imagine getting beat up AND going to jail for defending yourself. It's a very real possibility.


Run like your ass is on fire.
I don't know how it is in EU, but in the US as a man you would be in for a world of hurt. Everyone (jury, judges, society) will take the woman's side and you'd be screwed.

You would also have a "Domestic Violence" charge against you which could impact a host of things you take for granted.

Yes, RUN!
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Old 28th July 2017, 9:35 AM   #17
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The first thing to attend to is your personal safety.

Do you have friends or relatives you can spend the night with tonight? You don't need to fully explain the reasons if you don't want to. Just know this isn't a normal situation, and you are the victim of physical and mental abuse (re the emotional blackmail).

The second thing is to think about reporting it to the police, so it is on record if anything else.

Sorry you're in this situation, OP.
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Old 28th July 2017, 9:38 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by Roommate View Post
I told her it was over and she needed to leave and go back with her family and I even offered her some money to help her out as she is unemployed.

So any insights / help / advice.
You need to walk away completely. It is not your responsibility to aid her with her unemployment. She has a family -- allow them to support her.

Cut the cord. Don't be an enabler. Do not entangle yourself with an abuser.

You need block her and focus forward.
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Old 28th July 2017, 9:40 AM   #19
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Walk and block her every way possible. File a police report and be on your guard. If she contacts you threateningly again AT ALL, file a restraining order and document everything. Screenshot any text or email. Keep everything.

This person is an abuser and a predator.
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Old 28th July 2017, 10:09 AM   #20
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OK so this is your OW turned gf.
Lack of trust is par for the course in such relationships - you cheated on your wife with her, so you will likely cheat on her too - is the logic.

BUT she obviously has some serious issues, ones that you really cannot ignore so you did the right thing by telling her to leave.
She crossed the line with her last bf and now she has crossed it with you.
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Old 28th July 2017, 11:14 AM   #21
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THANK-YOU ALL for the heart felt and very helpful and encouraging comments.

I am so heart broken now - she left after about 50 emails back and forth of her begging me not to do this and she was sorry and she just wanted to be a "happy couple in love".

This is recurring behavior - she gets in these wild jealous moods - with this crazy look in her eye say the most horrible things imaginable, throw things, spit, and last night she hit me in the face for the first time. I saw this as gradually escalating.

For the few months we were really together this jealous rage behavior would come on like an asthma attack on her and she would turn into this frothing hysterical monster about once a week on average.

Did I cheat on her? NO And she was only jealous of my ex-wife because we would see each other for our kids sake from time to time. That is for the record.

She would go from loving passionate most of the time and then hocus pocus - this monster would appear almost out of nowhere and then the tantrums and all that would commence.

The past week I spent 2 nights sleeping in my car. It is OVER now.
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Old 28th July 2017, 11:23 AM   #22
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Note: two threads merged for context

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Old 29th July 2017, 8:13 PM   #23
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Roommate, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

Quote:
Last night for the first time she hit me in the face.... and said it was possible for her to "kill me" and "to ask her mother". She also has told me stories where she threw her old boyfriend across the room in a rage when she was mad at him and he crashed into the wall and she thought he might have been dead.
One of the nine defining traits for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their own emotions.

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have full-blown BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

Quote:
She gets in these wild jealous moods... she starts to get this crazy look in her eye and accuse me of cheating on her and so on.
If she is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. Accordingly, one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." This fear most often will be manifested in her behavior as an irrational jealousy -- where she mistakenly sees an abandonment threat in harmless actions or comments.

Quote:
Now the next day - she is begging for me to forgive her.
BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). Similarly, they can flip just a quickly in devaluing a close friend. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer also has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have a really close long-term friend (unless that friend lives a long distance away).

Quote:
So any insights?
I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal and physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Roommate.
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Old 30th July 2017, 2:35 AM   #24
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There are people who will take advantage of your desperation and your girlfriend is one of them. You were desperate for an "out", a diversion, an escape from your failing marriage and so became vulnerable to such manipulative people. In your current situation and mind state you will never attract a respectful partner.

Do things the proper way, talk it out with your wife, find a marriage counsellor. Running away from your problems won't solve them.
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Old 30th July 2017, 5:17 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Robert View Post
Note: two threads merged for context

~6
Ah now it makes more sense!
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Old 31st July 2017, 8:37 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Downtown View Post
Roommate, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

One of the nine defining traits for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their own emotions.

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have full-blown BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

If she is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. Accordingly, one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." This fear most often will be manifested in her behavior as an irrational jealousy -- where she mistakenly sees an abandonment threat in harmless actions or comments.

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). Similarly, they can flip just a quickly in devaluing a close friend. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer also has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have a really close long-term friend (unless that friend lives a long distance away).

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal and physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Roommate.
THANK-YOU. I am so happy and grateful for your detailed post. I wish I could send you a bill or make a contribution. Thank-you thank-you thank-you !!!
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Old 31st July 2017, 11:07 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by Downtown View Post
Roommate, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

One of the nine defining traits for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their own emotions.

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have full-blown BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

If she is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. Accordingly, one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." This fear most often will be manifested in her behavior as an irrational jealousy -- where she mistakenly sees an abandonment threat in harmless actions or comments.

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). Similarly, they can flip just a quickly in devaluing a close friend. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer also has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have a really close long-term friend (unless that friend lives a long distance away).

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal and physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Roommate.
Knowing the OP's entire story of cheating and impulsive behavior, he may need to scan this copy and paste diagnosis for HIMSELF as well.
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Old 31st July 2017, 3:53 PM   #28
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It's so much easier just to blame everyone else for problems except for looking within yourself. Seen this many times on this forum.
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Old 31st July 2017, 4:00 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
It's so much easier just to blame everyone else for problems except for looking within yourself. Seen this many times on this forum.

The picture certainly looks a wee bit different with both of the OP's threads taken together.


I'm not sure my advice would change, but my opinion of the OP has.
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Old 31st July 2017, 5:02 PM   #30
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Your title said there was abuse. But nowhere in the post did it say who was abusive. But don't go back to abuse and don't subject the kids to fighting or abuse.
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