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Leaving someone due to abuse


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 1st August 2017, 1:50 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
Personally I would never go back with someone who cheated. But for those who do - it's not like they're the scum of earth, blah blah blah. I think every person has an individual situation and I don't know if that's the right situation/decision for that couple/person.
People who tolerate abuse/cheating are not scum of the earth at all. Abuse is just familiar to them. They most likely grew up in families where abuse was a normal part of everyday life and are in denial about it or it's consequences. So even though they are uncomfortable in the relationship, they will stay, this is what they're used to.
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Old 1st August 2017, 2:01 PM   #17
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My only question is - mental health is just as important as any other condition. Yet every other condition gets more sympathy - cancer, infections, organ failure. But if someone truly is struggling with stress, and emotional regulation is difficult for them - then it's this realm of unknown.
Abuse does not deserve sympathy, plain and simple. Just like someone who knows they are trashed and chooses to get behind the wheel anyway. If you KNOW you struggle with "dysregulation" that is going to cause you to beat and/or scream at someone, the answer is to NOT be in a relationship, not to expect your punching bag to hang around to prove their "true love."

So no....the fault of the relationship ending lies with the abuser. Period. NOT the victim.

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Of course people have the right to leave. I'm just saying that if they ultimately don't want to give the other person a chance to change, then their love for the person is limited. And that's okay too if they realize that, but that's what it's an indicator of.
No, it is an indicator that they are healthy and have boundaries. It is the ABUSER who doesn't know how to appropriately love.
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Old 1st August 2017, 2:06 PM   #18
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The issue is that in many many relationships - abuse happens both ways. You don't always have it one-sided. In a movie, there is an abuser and victim. In real life, often both people have exhibited those type of behaviours. So more so than not, they both don't deserve sympathy or whatever. And I highly doubt that all relationships in this world are "perfect" and people always behave in a perfect way. At the end of the day, people make life choices because of what they think they are getting out of it. And that is their individual choice and they suffer consequences or gain things as a result of their decision. And when they are not actually locked up and not able to escape, they always have a choice to leave or stay.

And it's not about expecting someone to stick around. People who think they have something to gain will stay. And they do in real life. And sometimes or often not that choice is not a great one. But they think they have something to get from it. And that's why people continue making those choices in real life.
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Old 1st August 2017, 2:40 PM   #19
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The issue is that in many many relationships - abuse happens both ways. You don't always have it one-sided. In a movie, there is an abuser and victim. In real life, often both people have exhibited those type of behaviours. So more so than not, they both don't deserve sympathy or whatever. And I highly doubt that all relationships in this world are "perfect" and people always behave in a perfect way. At the end of the day, people make life choices because of what they think they are getting out of it. And that is their individual choice and they suffer consequences or gain things as a result of their decision. And when they are not actually locked up and not able to escape, they always have a choice to leave or stay.

And it's not about expecting someone to stick around. People who think they have something to gain will stay. And they do in real life. And sometimes or often not that choice is not a great one. But they think they have something to get from it. And that's why people continue making those choices in real life.
An abuser who expects their victim to stay out of some twisted proof of love is....not a good person. Their TOP priority should be to STOP being an abuser, not pointing fingers at their victim.
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Old 1st August 2017, 3:01 PM   #20
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An abuser who expects their victim to stay out of some twisted proof of love is....not a good person. Their TOP priority should be to STOP being an abuser, not pointing fingers at their victim.
If both people yell at each other during arguments, who is the victim? Who is the abuser? If both say hurtful things to each other, who is the abuser? Both? One? None?

And if both decide to stay to fix things, then who is the victim and who is abuser?

Some relationships - only one person ever yells. In many both do. How do you define the roles "abuser" or "victim" then?
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Old 1st August 2017, 3:15 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
If both people yell at each other during arguments, who is the victim? Who is the abuser? If both say hurtful things to each other, who is the abuser? Both? One? None?

And if both decide to stay to fix things, then who is the victim and who is abuser?

Some relationships - only one person ever yells. In many both do. How do you define the roles "abuser" or "victim" then?

If the crap was dished out as even-handedly as you indicate, I might be willing to agree that the situation wasn't abusive so much as toxic. Which I'm not sure is necessarily a great leap forward.


This isn't an abstract, hypothetical discussion, right?
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Old 1st August 2017, 3:42 PM   #22
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If the crap was dished out as even-handedly as you indicate, I might be willing to agree that the situation wasn't abusive so much as toxic. Which I'm not sure is necessarily a great leap forward.


This isn't an abstract, hypothetical discussion, right?
Well that scenario had happened. And then there were other scenarios where he had the upper hand in power/unhealthy behaviour and perhaps other times where I did. The end - he said it was all my fault. I believed that for a while, but now after talking to someone in counselling, it wasn't just my fault. But I agree - it was dysfunctional or whatever.

And anyways, I wrote that original thread earlier during my break-up. I don't think anyone has to leave due to true love or whatever anymore. I accept my role and responsibility and apologized for stuff. He has yet to apologize and never will. Whatever.

In this scenario, I realized that I didn't truly love him which is why I couldn't take the crap in the end. But I still believe that if I had loved someone, sure I may "leave" or whatever, set boundaries, but I would be willing to stick around (if at a distance) and see if they could change. But for him, not worth it. I could look elsewhere for someone new or just be alone.

So I don't think it's quite black and white. And some people on this forum - had similar situations where someone acted hurtfully, apologized, changed, and they are back together. So meh. Each to their own.

In my exact situation, both of us leaving was the best thing that happened.
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Old 1st August 2017, 7:32 PM   #23
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I understand the general sentiment here is that if someone is at all abusive in whatever way, you should run away and never look back. No one should tolerate such behaviour, etc. and run far far away.

I don't disagree with that but from personal experience - I just wanted to share something. Bad behaviour is not right but sometimes it really is hard to see when you are the midst of intense pain and you are trying to do anything to lessen the pain. And if you've had a pattern of seeing unhealthy behaviours growing up for people who actually do love each other but do not express their emotions properly.

My only question is - mental health is just as important as any other condition. Yet every other condition gets more sympathy - cancer, infections, organ failure. But if someone truly is struggling with stress, and emotional regulation is difficult for them - then it's this realm of unknown.

I agree that repeated behaviours despite people identifying it as abuse and telling them to seek therapy/change is the person in denial.

But I am just wondering - obviously love is not truly unconditional, but if someone was only told that once - and they truly had not seen it before, and their partner leaves them. Of course, anyone is justified to go at any time.

But if you truly love someone, even if you need a break from them, would you just desert them when they need help the most? That doesn't sound like love to me. It speaks to me as to how much love there actually was.

Some people say that people can't change - but they do.
We do underemphasize mental health and it's terrible. A third of our prisoners are just mentally ill.

That said, YOU cannot help a mentally ill person yourself. THEY have to go get treatment, follow doctors' orders and SEE if it helps them, but not all mental illnesses can be improved. Do not sentence yourself to a life of hell for someone because you can't fix them. All you're going to do is enable them.
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Old 16th August 2017, 2:55 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
I understand the general sentiment here is that if someone is at all abusive in whatever way, you should run away and never look back. No one should tolerate such behaviour, etc. and run far far away.

I don't disagree with that but from personal experience - I just wanted to share something. Bad behaviour is not right but sometimes it really is hard to see when you are the midst of intense pain and you are trying to do anything to lessen the pain. And if you've had a pattern of seeing unhealthy behaviours growing up for people who actually do love each other but do not express their emotions properly.

My only question is - mental health is just as important as any other condition. Yet every other condition gets more sympathy - cancer, infections, organ failure. But if someone truly is struggling with stress, and emotional regulation is difficult for them - then it's this realm of unknown.

I agree that repeated behaviours despite people identifying it as abuse and telling them to seek therapy/change is the person in denial.

But I am just wondering - obviously love is not truly unconditional, but if someone was only told that once - and they truly had not seen it before, and their partner leaves them. Of course, anyone is justified to go at any time.

But if you truly love someone, even if you need a break from them, would you just desert them when they need help the most? That doesn't sound like love to me. It speaks to me as to how much love there actually was.

Some people say that people can't change - but they do.
Been there,,,and anyone that says a female cant be abusive is dead wrong. I was with a woman that put me through total hell. Love me one minute and go total crazy in a matter of minutes.

It was tough. We were friends before and I never seen this behavior in her. It was pure schizo and I told her to get lost. I even moved.

She tracked me down when I got a new job I had to move to be close to. She got the info from my family and tracked me down. Total crazy stalker.

I moved back to the city a few years later and didnt tell anyone but a few friends. Never heard from her again thank the lord.

Total crazy schizo!
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Old 21st August 2017, 11:44 PM   #25
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Here's how I look at it. Think back to when you were 10, 14. Did you daydream about meeting the man of your dreams...who only beat you once a week? Who only called you stupid once a day? NO. You dreamed of a guy who loved you, made you feel GOOD, not stupid. Who put your needs ahead of his, not took your money and used it on himself.

So ask yourself: why are you still with a man who has none of the qualities you expected? Why are you settling?
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Old 22nd August 2017, 7:11 PM   #26
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Here's how I look at it. Think back to when you were 10, 14. Did you daydream about meeting the man of your dreams...who only beat you once a week? Who only called you stupid once a day? NO. You dreamed of a guy who loved you, made you feel GOOD, not stupid. Who put your needs ahead of his, not took your money and used it on himself.

So ask yourself: why are you still with a man who has none of the qualities you expected? Why are you settling?
Not really. When I was that age I was playing with slot cars, playing with my GI Joes and collecting sports cards.

I will admit. I %100 remember my first kiss. I was about 11, and we always held hands..... One day we just smoochie and her mom just happen to catch up on the back patio.

We didnt get in trouble overall, but till this day I remember her after 35 years and us thinking if a smootch was ok.

we did a small smootch. I remember her to this day what she looked like and that back patio.

How can anyone not remember that first kiss as a kid?
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Old 22nd August 2017, 11:22 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
I understand the general sentiment here is that if someone is at all abusive in whatever way, you should run away and never look back. No one should tolerate such behaviour, etc. and run far far away.

I don't disagree with that but from personal experience - I just wanted to share something. Bad behaviour is not right but sometimes it really is hard to see when you are the midst of intense pain and you are trying to do anything to lessen the pain. And if you've had a pattern of seeing unhealthy behaviours growing up for people who actually do love each other but do not express their emotions properly.

My only question is - mental health is just as important as any other condition. Yet every other condition gets more sympathy - cancer, infections, organ failure. But if someone truly is struggling with stress, and emotional regulation is difficult for them - then it's this realm of unknown.

I agree that repeated behaviours despite people identifying it as abuse and telling them to seek therapy/change is the person in denial.

But I am just wondering - obviously love is not truly unconditional, but if someone was only told that once - and they truly had not seen it before, and their partner leaves them. Of course, anyone is justified to go at any time.

But if you truly love someone, even if you need a break from them, would you just desert them when they need help the most? That doesn't sound like love to me. It speaks to me as to how much love there actually was.

Some people say that people can't change - but they do.

I wanted to speak to this.

Today, I spent 3 hours (my third appointment) at the Dentist. They looked, they poked and prodded. I am now missing a front tooth. It finally broke off a couple of weeks ago.

As I sat an explained to the second dentist what had happened, the memories roared back into my mind. I have taken my time to properly heal, but crying has never been a strong point for me. I don't cry. I barely even feel pain. That is why I had been landed in the Dental chair 3 times, for 3 hours, and will probably be having at least 3 more 3 hour appointments.

You see, I don't feel pain anymore. Though, I am happy to say the numbness is almost gone. I had learned for so long that pain is glory; that it is mind over matter. I almost lost a tear in the dental chair this afternoon, which reminded me that maybe my heart is finally growing back.

I had put off my dental work for such a long time. So so long. I had a few things done here and there, but lost sight and money for it, for quite some time. Entering abusive relationships with men who used me for my money, and then got tired of me, so then got violent. But that is not even the tip of the iceberg. You see, I married a very Narcissistic and manipulative man right out of high school. I loved him. He grew up to be my worst night mare. His mother even pitched in. Though, neither of them laid a hand on me, until it was the end. And, even then - it wasn't the end, but the beginning of a long fight for my life.

As my husband sat on my chest, while wailing on my face, I felt no pain. He cracked 4 of my teeth. Previously, another time when he pushed me down the stairs, he had cracked another when I fell on the cement. Somewhere, lying on the cement, after a long time running already, I decided to leave that girl on the ground, and came up an emotionless guarded person.

It has been 6 years since I left.

This year, I can finally afford to fix my teeth. So, as I sat in a chair, after having used all this time to gather my strength to move on with my life - I no longer needed sympathy. I no longer needed him. I have proved that each and every day for 6 years now, and will continue to prove it. My heart did grow back, but because I am (still) learning how to recognize abuse early on, I am doing better and better each day. I had 2 relationships end in blows, lies, and manipulation. But you know what? I learned to defend myself. I learned to ask for help. I learned to use my voice to call for help. I learned to fix my own car. I learned that I am not ugly, and that these scars are my beauty, and my strength. I learned to shoot a gun. I learned that the law is on my side. I won custody of my kids. I learned that I have rights, and now I can use them. I learn to use my head along side my heart. So no, I am not a victim, nor do I need sympathy. I learned that I am strong.

I am a survivor. So are you. <3
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Old 24th August 2017, 7:49 PM   #28
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Before you buy into this notion that sometimes people don't realize they're being abusive, first ask yourself if he's abusive to literally everyone he talks to or if it's only you and maybe another family member. Because if they're THAT oblivious that they don't know right from wrong, then they are delusional and very mentally ill. You know the legal definition of "insane" for court proceedings is do they know right from wrong. So for instance if a guy rapes a woman or assaults one on the street in front of people, he's probably seriously delusional and mentally ill because he didn't try to hide the crime. But 99.9 percent of those people will find a way to do it in private, drag a women into the bushes or a van or con them over to some home. Those people may have mental issues, but they know right from wrong enough to cover their tracks.

So unless your man is openly abusive no matter where you are and he's openly abusive to others as well, he KNOWS what he's doing, make no mistake. If he says otherwise, he's just gaslighting you trying to make YOU the one who's crazy.
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Old 25th August 2017, 9:58 PM   #29
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I can only assume the OP is female and is only referring to female-on-male violence/abuse. If I'm right, I doubt she believes the same about male-on-female abuse. Men are taught to understand why women abuse them and to help them. Women are taught to "leave him" and "there's no excuse for abuse".

Sorry, but as a former victim of domestic violence, I don't believe female abusers should receive special understanding.
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Old 26th August 2017, 1:46 AM   #30
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I can only assume the OP is female and is only referring to female-on-male violence/abuse. If I'm right, I doubt she believes the same about male-on-female abuse. Men are taught to understand why women abuse them and to help them. Women are taught to "leave him" and "there's no excuse for abuse".

Sorry, but as a former victim of domestic violence, I don't believe female abusers should receive special understanding.
Men should leave too.
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