Emotional abuse?

[allcriedout]

I'm looking for advise on what I should. I'm in a relationship that I can no longer tolerate. I'm not sure what to do because there doesn't seem a way out. I'm not origianlly from the state I live in and I don't have any family here. My boyfriend of 6 years is very controlling! We live together with our daughter and my son from a previous relationship. There has been many things that have happened in a relationship that I am sometimes embarrased to say. I keep telling myself that this relationship can last if we just try. I feel as though I'm trapped, I work Mon-Fri 8-5 and hate the weekends....I'm so unhappy being here at home. There's constant arguing. On somedays he tells me that I can't watch TV because he payed for it and if I touch it I'll regret it, he'll usually put the TV on child lock so that I can't turn it on!(just the other day me and th kids arrived home before him, so my son said "great he's not home yet, so we can watch tv now....that really bothered me). He pulls that all the time and sometimes, I'll go a whole week without watching tv because I didn't know what he do. When thsi happens my kids know that I won't be watching tv with them so they'll ask to go to bed early. Once things cool down I usually have to ask him if he dosen't mind if I watch TV. I feel like a child and it's so frustrating!!!!! Just recently (after an arguement) he told me that he was planning on having Thanksgiving at our house and that he was going to invite his friends and family over. He told me that I could be there, but I could not eat any of the food that he bought or made for Thanksgiving. I went on and told him that I wouldn't eat his food if it was going to be a problem and that I would eat the food that his family and friends bought. Then he told me that he was going to let everyone know how I had been acting, so that they would know why he wasn't letting me eat Thanksgiving. He told me that me and my son would have to go somewhere else and eat and that he would be spending Thanksgiving with his family, friends and OUR daughter. This is the 2nd year in a row that he has done this to me. Last year he took my daughter and left me and my son at home for Thanksgiving, he spent it with his family and when they asked where I was at he tld them that I didn't want to come...Truth is, HE LEFT ME!. I don't want to spend another Thankgiving without my daughter. I'm so ready to get out of this relationship not only because of these incidents but other I didn't even mention. I guess I'm afraid that he'll do whatever it takes to make my life difficult if I leave...meaning dealing with our daughter. Can anyone give me some advise? Am I in an emotional abusive relationship or am I over reacting? I don't want to live like this anymore. Please help!

[moimeme]

He is definitely abusive. Nobody should attempt to control whether or not you eat or watch the television.

 

Here is a good site for information about abuse. Please get help soon.

http://www.thans.ca/ami.html

[moonspinner]

feel as though I'm trapped, I work Mon-Fri 8-5 and hate the weekends....I'm so unhappy being here at home. There's constant arguing. On somedays he tells me that I can't watch TV because he payed for it and if I touch it I'll regret it, he'll usually put the TV on child lock so that I can't turn it on!(just the other day me and th kids arrived home before him, so my son said "great he's not home yet, so we can watch tv now....that really bothered me). He pulls that all the time and sometimes, I'll go a whole week without watching tv because I didn't know what he do. When thsi happens my kids know that I won't be watching tv with them so they'll ask to go to bed early. Once things cool down I usually have to ask him if he dosen't mind if I watch TV. I feel like a child and it's so frustrating!!!!!

 

And you share a bed with this idiot?

 

First save your money.

 

Then find a womens support group in your community, perhaps through your church, somewhere someone will be able to help you start a good life for yourself and your two children... one filled with self-esteem building, nurturing relationships.

 

 

And his lying about your absence at Thanksgiving dinner takes the cake girl. He is a mess, and needs help.

 

 

Get help...and have a good life...you only get one chance at this dance.

 

 

.

[LadyX]

If it's possible, buy a mini voice activated recorder and place it under the couch or somewhere it can't be seen. The point is to document all the things he is saying to you. And as someone said...save your money, a little at a time if that is all you can spare, and put all your important papers(you & your kids birth certificates...etc.) in a place that is easy to get to. Make a plan to leave, and stick to it. This man is a psychopath. The longer you expose your children to this behavior, the more "normal" they will think it is. Get your kids, and get out.

[pinkroses]

with rage after reading your post!! That's one of the most abusive things I've ever read! You don't have a marriage, you have a dictatorship. To control your TV watching and what you eat is not only controlling, it's patronizing, tyrannical and insane! No one has that kind of right over another adult, married or not. Would you let a friend or a stranger treat you like that? You need to get your things together and your kids and leave that wacked up man. I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 5 years and ended up having to divorce him. When I did he used Bible verses to try to demean me. To this day, 8 years later, he still treats me like I left my faith because I left him, and still acts like I belong to him somehow. Trust me, you owe it to yourself and to your kids to get out of that oppressive situation, unless he gets help and changes, which isn't something you can count on. Take care and good luck.

[autumnlover]

OMG!!!! I cant beleive that there is someone out there like that. i am sorry you are going through this and i want you to know that you do need to get out. i was reading your post and it upset me very much. i can only imangine how you are feeling. i too think you need a plan and to save your money. i worked with a girl a while back and she planned to leave her husband for 6 years. she saved her money, and got a seperate account with out him knowing and got all her mail fwd to her job. i dont know how close you are with anyone in your job but if you can...ask if you can have mail that you dont want him to see fwd to them. and if you can...keep a "log" at work about all the abuse he does to you. document document document all you can. and if you can..put a recorder somewhere he doesnt know about. if this man is as psycho as he sounds..BE CAREFUL too. if i were in your shoes..i would open up an savings account and not tell him. i would get a PO box if i didnt have anyone to keep my mail. i would let your parents know too that you are doing this..maybe they can help you out with extra money when they can. I would get a credit card if you can and build some credit for myself and start looking for an apartment or a house to live in. this may sound extreme and hard but if you want out...you need to get out. ahh..i just cant get over how horrible your life must be.

 

i hope i helped you in some way. i am just still in shock from all this. be careful, document everything, and try to make up a plan. good luck

 

autumn

[jenny]

whew. first, god, you have my sympathy. second, i agree with all above. document like hell and start talking to an advocate right away if you can't afford a lawyer. make sure your documents sound disinterested and observant, and devoid of rancor. simply record conversations in which he says these things, as well as things your children say in reaction to him and his actions. these records will help you in court, if it should come to that. you might want to consider taping him; all that is needed for consent in most places is one participant's say.

 

i would only encourage this because the situation is exigent, and will likely escalate.

 

there are a couple of things i want you to know:

 

most places in the US and Canada have places you can go to for help. do save your money, but know clearly there are organizations to help you find shelter, food, and employment easily. you need to make a few calls - there are places meant to help women exactly like you; you will find emotional and substantial support there. i am dead serious, there is a whole network of support for you; they can help you get alimony and help you deal with the consequences of living with an abuser for so long.

 

you need a plan of action. you know this is terrible; you know you are a victim; now it is time to make some positive changes. i know you can do it.

 

if you tell me where you live, generally, i can try and find you some sources - i'm sure many of here would be more than willing to help you with the research. there is no need to inform your SO of these changes, yet, in this situation the element of surprise is quite beneficial, legally and emotionally. also, if you inform him, you risk further abuse and being cut off from sources that are trying to help you.

 

i tend to sometimes default to diagnoses of domestic abuse, and i have to watch this tendency. but i think you, yourself, have identified the problem and asked for solutions; please know we are here for you.