Abusive EX has lost his mind! Venting!!!

[vaughan]

OK, I need to vent badly! I broke up with my abusive ex of 5 years about a year ago. We have a five year old together. Needless to say, recovering from abuse was the hardest thing I have ever done and it took a year of therapy for me and my daughter. I know this loss will affect her for years to come, but she has come so far! You see, he stood her up on Christmas Day and we never heard from him again! That is until recently.

 

About three weeks ago, I got a call from an old aquaintance. She was at the sports bar that I used to work at before I became pregnant. I can not believe she still goes there everyday!! Anyway, she begins telling me how great my ex is doing and that he professes his love for me and our daughter all the time! I firmly tell her that if he comes anywhere near us, I will call the police and that I am so not interested in him. She tried in vain to get me to relax my views on him and believe it or not to get me to come there and see them both!!! Of course I refused and got off the phone asap. It was clear to me that the whole thing was a set up to feel me out! B@TCH! (Sorry)

 

So I call his sister and his best friend to let them know he is still alive and if they hear from him, be sure and drill it in his head to STAY AWAY!!! They agreed and we all move on. Well, something told me to call his sister today. He not only showed up at her house this past weekend, but he was not alone! He brought a girl who is ten years younger than him, has two kids of her own and they have been seeing each other for 6 months! He only stayed for about an hour, but in that time he got pictures of me and my girl and said he has turned his life around, doesn't feel anything for the girl he was with and really wants to get back with me!!!!!!

 

So I am furious and scared all at the same time. Of course there is no way in hell I would even consider going back with him. My fear is he will try and see our daughter. For those who may find me harsh, let me give a little history. He also has another daughter who is now eight which he chose not to see until she was five. (I demanded he did or no us! Stupid me!) After about a year of contact, he decided to completely vanish from her life as well. Therefore, I am terrified he will just show up somewhere and she will see him and the healing process will have to start all over again. I would move if I had the money. I can't bear the thought of my precious getting her hopes only to be hurt again! Any words of wisdom?

[NEONINK]

He hasn't changed too much, has he?

 

Restraining order.... Move out of town.... Dump stupid friends that do that to you.... Thank God every day you are rid of the creep.... Change your phone number to an unlisted number.... Get a dog that barks at strangers.... See a lawyer about your options.... Get a security alarm system if you can afford it.... Alert her teachers.... Talk to you daughter about the possibility...

 

That's just a few of the things you can do. Good luck.

[Abby]

Is he an ex boyfriend or ex husband? Have the courts issued him any visitation rights? Does he have to pay child support? Do you have police records to prove the abuse you suffered from him? Was he abusive to your daughter? I am asking you these questions because I am in the same situation you are in and you would be amazed at the rights the courts will give a man just because he was a sperm donor to you at one time and a child was a result of the relationship. I have 2 sons who's father was very abusive to me when we were married. I tried to bring up the abuse in court and was asked, " why didn't you contact the police?" My answer was because I was afraid of what he would do to me if I did. Their reply was without police records we have no proof of abuse, it is your word against his. So they ordered him to pay child support and gave him visitation. For the past 8 years he has popped in and out of my children's lifes whenever he has felt like it. He has made them sooooo many promises only to let them down time and time again. It is always the same old story, he tells them he loves them and that he has changed. He messes with their heads and hearts so much that it sickens me that he is the one who had to end up being their father. I have tried to complain to the courts but all I get is a run around about parental rights. What about the rights of the child? I am so sick of hearing how men like this have rights to their children. He is also behind $7,000.00 in child support payments. I am constantly contacting the CSEA to find out what they are going to do about it. Regardless of what he does as long as he is not physically or sexually abusing them he is allowed to have contact with them. What about emotional and mental abuse? Well as far as the court is concerned not having regular visitation and lying and breaking promises to your children doesn't constitute as being mental or emotional abuse. If I refuse to let him see them or deny him any contact with them whatsoever then I am held in contempt of court and can be put in jail or have custody turned over to him. Luckily my boys are teenagers now and are at the legal age to be able to decide if they want anything to do with their father. The sad thing is that they are so desperate to have a dad that they will put up with his crap and grasp at any time they get to spend with him. The only thing I can tell you is to seek legal advice before taking matters into your own hands. I pray to God that you have better luck than I did.

[vaughan]

Originally posted by Abby

Is he an ex boyfriend or ex husband? Have the courts issued him any visitation rights? Does he have to pay child support? Do you have police records to prove the abuse you suffered from him? Was he abusive to your daughter?

 

Hi Abby! He is my ex boyfriend. We have nothing established through the courts because no one could find him for a year. No police records of abuse unfortunately. He, like most abusers, gradually became physical so that my esteem was too low to stand up for myself. He was never physical with our daughter but very abusive verbally and emotionally.

 

I am asking you these questions because I am in the same situation you are in and you would be amazed at the rights the courts will give a man just because he was a sperm donor to you at one time and a child was a result of the relationship. I have 2 sons who's father was very abusive to me when we were married. I tried to bring up the abuse in court and was asked, " why didn't you contact the police?" My answer was because I was afraid of what he would do to me if I did. Their reply was without police records we have no proof of abuse, it is your word against his. So they ordered him to pay child support and gave him visitation. For the past 8 years he has popped in and out of my children's lifes whenever he has felt like it. He has made them sooooo many promises only to let them down time and time again. It is always the same old story, he tells them he loves them and that he has changed. He messes with their heads and hearts so much that it sickens me that he is the one who had to end up being their father. I have tried to complain to the courts but all I get is a run around about parental rights. What about the rights of the child? I am so sick of hearing how men like this have rights to their children. He is also behind $7,000.00 in child support payments. I am constantly contacting the CSEA to find out what they are going to do about it. Regardless of what he does as long as he is not physically or sexually abusing them he is allowed to have contact with them. What about emotional and mental abuse? Well as far as the court is concerned not having regular visitation and lying and breaking promises to your children doesn't constitute as being mental or emotional abuse. If I refuse to let him see them or deny him any contact with them whatsoever then I am held in contempt of court and can be put in jail or have custody turned over to him. Luckily my boys are teenagers now and are at the legal age to be able to decide if they want anything to do with their father. The sad thing is that they are so desperate to have a dad that they will put up with his crap and grasp at any time they get to spend with him.

 

Oh Abby, I know exactly what you mean. In therapy I met so many woman who did have police records proving abuse, even sexual, and the bastards still are awarded visitation!!! The court's reasoning is just because he hits the wife/girlfriend does not mean he will hit the child!!! I also found out that if there is proof of him abusing another child, it also can not be brought to court for the same reasons! I spoke to a lawyer and when I stated I wanted him to have no visitation rights because of emotional abuse, the attorney laughed and mocked me! I could not agree with you more that there should be protection for the children from mental/emotional abuse! Frankly, I am still in shock that these laws to not exist! The mother is left with no options to protect her children. We get all of the burden and they are allowed to do whatever they want and get everything! I also met a woman who's daughter was so against seeing her father that she wanted to commit suicide. Guess what? Court's said she must go or the mother would be in contempt!!! This is just insane!!! I completely lost it with a representative from the attorney general. (All I want to do is change my girl's last name to mine and I can't do that without them finding him first!) I was crying/yelling "How can you give him all the room in the world to hurt her and put my life on hold? I'm the one who loves her, feeds her, takes care of her. I am responsible and yet I am the one who gets screwed?!?!?" Her reply to me was "I am so sorry. The system is messed up."

 

Hell yes it is messed up. It is all about money. In most cases, if the father does not pay child support then the mother must seek some kind of government help. This upsets taxpayers and of course the lawmakers who would rather have that money in their pocket. The child's best interest means nothing to them. I do believe good men do deserve rights, but not these selfish evil sperm donors!! So, I wonder what if anything we could do? I have thought of contacting my local Representatives but how seriously will they take just me? My mother's suggestion was to contact Dr. Phil. I laughed but who knows. There has got to be some organization fighting this. I am going to see what I can find on the internet. May I ask which state you live in? I am in Texas unfortunately. Home of the "good old boys" that constantly look after each other. Also, can't you refuse visitation if he is behind on child support?

 

The only thing I can tell you is to seek legal advice before taking matters into your own hands. I pray to God that you have better luck than I did.

 

I just feel so sorry for you and your boys. I am lucky, for the most part that he has simply vanished. I recently heard that he is planning to move to another city really soon. So, as usual, he did all of this to scare the crap our of me which worked. So, even though I now know where he is staying, I have firmly decided not to contact the Attorney General. I know they are not on my side and will give him visitation. And he would come and see her once or twice just to get back at me for taking him to court. Then he would vanish again. Outside of my deepest sympathies, the only thing I can suggest is moving as far away as possible. That is if the court allows you to do that. At least you sons are older and can make up their minds. It make take them a while, but they will eventually see him for what he is. Take care and thank you so much for venting. I have no friends who even have kids or have any comprehension of what this all feels like. Thanks for making me feel not so alone. Good luck to you all.

[Abby]

I live in Ohio and the laws here are just as crappy as the ones in Texas. According to Ohio law even if he doesn't pay his child support I still have to let him visit with them or I will be held in contempt. The court says that non payment is not a justifiable cause to withhold visitation, it violates his rights as a parent. I may be getting some sort of justice soon, we'll see. His mother finally let me know what his home address is so I turned it over to the CSEA in the county he lives in and they have requested with the court that his drivers license be suspended and are supposed to be serving him with a summons to appear in court for non payment of support. I was told that the judge is going to give him 30 days in jail and I know for a fact that jail is the thing he hates the most. Their father has another child from a relationship that no longer exists, his little girl is 8 yrs. old. I'm sure her mother is going after him for support also. I don't know if he visits with his daughter or not. He is remarried to a woman who's children are grown and she can't have anymore, thank god!!!!! My sons see him very rarely. Their grandmother is the one who has been picking them up every other weekend for the past 9 yrs. and visiting with them. Their father would occasionally go over there to see them but I don't know how often that will be happening anymore becuase he callled his mother up the other day begging her for $1,000.00 because he said that he and his wife needed some help and his mother refused to give it to him.

 

His mother has always bailed him out. She even paid his child support payments for him for a year to try and drop down some of his arreages. I will say that she has been very, very good to my boys and helped us out when we needed it. I am very grateful to her for all she has done considering the fact that I am no longer her daughter-in-law but I don't like her taking on responsibility that is not hers. If I were her son I would be ashamed of myself but then again nothing phases him because he is always only thinking of himself. I don't understand how someone can have children and still be so selfish.

 

I have been married twice. In my second marriage my husband wanted to be a father to the daughter "we" had together but not to my sons. He had a vasectomy shortly after her birth because he said she was the only child he was ever going to want. That is why the marriage failed. He is a very good father to our daughter. Pays his support on time, visits with her twice a week and every other weekend and buys her what she needs. I am happy that he loves her as much as he does but it hurts to know that my sons don't have that. I remeber one time when my youngest son was about 8 yrs. old my daughter's daddy came to pick her up and after they left my son was sitting in the floor with the saddest look on his face and being very quiet. I asked him what was wrong, he said " Mommy I wish my daddy would come and see me, doesn't he love me anymore?" He then started to cry. It literally BROKE MY HEART!!!!!!!!! To see my sweet little boy sitting there crying and wandering what was wrong with him to cause his father not to want to come and see him.

 

Well, he is not my sweet little boy anymore. Thanks to their father I have lost that with both of my sons. The youngest is very quiet and withdrawn, he just keeps to himself most of the time. He does not do very well in school anymore and when he does do a good job at anything he willl tell you to your face that he doesn't want any praise from you. He will tell you that he basically just wants to be left alone. He used to stand in front of mirrors and choke himself. I had him in therapy but it didn't last long because he refused to discuss anything with anyone. He never smiles, he always looks so sad. My oldest son is very controlling, rude, demanding and sarcastic with everyone. If you ask him a question or try to talk to him he never answers you in a nice voice. He used to threaten to hit me when we would get into an arguement. There are times when they are very mean and cruel to their sister ( she's only 6 ) and I feel like they do it out of jealousy because their father is not like hers. My sons never used to be like this. Their father is not around for them to take their anger towards him out on so they do it to me, but even if he was around they still wouldn't let him know how angry they are because they fear his temper. I asked them if they were going to blame me if he ended up in jail. They told me "no" and I was glad to hear that from them. I try to refrain from talking to them about him because they have told me before that they don't want to hear it. Everyone thinks the solution to the problem is to get them into therapy but I have asked them time and time again, " How do you make them talk when they refuse to?" You can't lead a horse to water if it won't drink! Their father has done the same thing to them that mine did to me and that was the last thing I ever wanted for my children. But then again the law says that piss poor fathers have parental rights. It just makes me wonder when my sons are grown what kind of relationship they are going to have with their own children.

 

I pray, pray, pray that your daughters father makes a clean break from her life and stops putting you and her through hell. One of these days you're going to run across a man who will love you and your daughter and will want to be a daddy to her. Any man can be a father but it takes a special man to be a daddy.

 

 

 

You need a license to buy a dog or buy a car. Hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming a**h*** be a father. Keanu Reeves " Parenthood" 1990 MCA Home Video