From my perspective, the question is a bit irrelevant. If someone abused me, it wouldn't really make a difference to me whether they supposedly 'loved' me or not. In that context, it's actions that count. From an analytical level, yes maybe they do have feelings of some kind of love but can't control their behaviour. But if I'm on the receiving end of that, it doesn't really matter.
I'll answer your question: In some sick way I believe he feels love for the woman he's abusing, but I think he doesn't know how to love. Sort of a contradiction... but yeah.. my abuser loved me even though it was a tiny light inside of him that I saw.. that he showed me.. it was there. The drugs ultimately won though.
I think the abuser either loves, but doesn't know how to love the right way... or he hates the woman he's abusing, because obsession is a form of hate.
Abuse is about control. To feel entitled to controlling someone (or making them pay for it when they don't let you control them) you are taking away their identity as an individual and claiming their life. You don't see their right to being a separate person from yourself. They are an extension of you an should behave how you want. This is not love.
As well, some abusers don't need their target to simply not do what they want to cause them harm. Someone else pisses them off, makes them feel small or diminished so they seek out the target that makes them feel powerful and misdirect the shame and pain they feel over what someone else did to that extension of themselves - the person they abuse. This is not only not love, it is seriously buried and unexamined self loathing. And the last person they would want calling their attention to this would be the person they think they control.
Does the man love a woman he is abusing at all? What is a man thinking and feeling about a woman he is abusing?
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
This excerpt came from the following site. It appears to encapsulate the "why" of abuse. There's also a 1-800 hotline to call if you're experiencing domestic violence.
A guy who abuses a woman doesn't know what love is and is acting out something else--obsession, control, power-assertion, ownership, none of which have anything to do with valuing who she is as a uniuque and free individual. Whatever he thinks he loves is not what she is--he loves the idea he believes her to be and then he tries to "make her" be what he either wants or thinks and/or punishes her for not being that. That's not love--not even in the same neighborhood. (More like total self-indulgence regardless of who the partner is).
check out the book, "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft. it gives good insight into the mind of abusive men.
and no, i don't think that abusive men LOVE the women they abuse. they can say they do, but abusive men say a lot of stuff......
for me, i always believed the "i love you"s. but, in reality you don't do those things to someone you love. whether it be words, actions, etc. my stbx confirmed my beliefs for me last year when he told me he didn't love me and couldn't remember the last time he had. in my head i knew he didn't. my heart didn't want to believe that. but his actions showed that he didn't love me, and barely even liked me as a person. the best way i can put it is that he tolerated me.
he treated me like that fly you are swatting away because it keeps buzzing around your head. you shoo it away until you get so tired of it you just swat it flat.
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