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Old 8th August 2017, 7:44 PM   #31
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What part of the world are you from, OP? That may shed light on your perspective.

For the record, I'm only a seasonal poster but I haven't noticed a lack of bluntness; quite the contrary actually. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether posters on here address people in their lives in the same blunt way the anonymity allows them to do it here (I kinda hope not!).
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Old 8th August 2017, 7:48 PM   #32
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Make a sandwich, and read some of my posts.

The point, I believe is that it's often a simple frame test. If you can't deal with some random assessing your situation in three minutes and pushing buttons, then you are really going to struggle in real life.

The buttons to be pushed are the weaknesses in the game to be corrected. Usually stemming from taking the position of victim, rather than one of taking responsibility.

The point is to work on those issues until they stop becoming such sore points. Go back out in the world, test your frame again, come up short again, re-adjust again... rinse and repeat.

This is how improvement is made.
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Old 8th August 2017, 7:51 PM   #33
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The aggression on LS is in the sub text, rather than out in the open. Internet-diagnosing people who never came here, by people who have no training whatsoever and unsourced assertions of the most absurd claims are much more likely to go unmoderated than, say, a snarky remark or a blunt piece of advice.

Just a few days ago someone who suggested an unusual (but legal and safe) sexual practice to his GF was smeared as a soon-to-be procurer by forum members when she asked about it on here.

I'd moderate a bit differently, but I'm not a moderator and I'm glad someone does it and generally does it quite well.
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Old 8th August 2017, 7:57 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by littleblackheart View Post
What part of the world are you from, OP? That may shed light on your perspective.
I am from "Nu Yawk" in the US (upstate though rather than "da city"). I also have always worked in rather "cold-blooded" business situations. So, yes, my perspective may be colored (dark) by my environment and background. In Real Life as opposed to online, I live in situations with low tolerance for BS. So, point taken.
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Old 8th August 2017, 7:58 PM   #35
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Here's what Paul, the guy who still pays the bills even though I haven't personally seen him in quite some time, says:

Civility & respect: Interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating

That's the standard we seek to moderate to.

Last edited by William; 9th August 2017 at 6:39 AM.. Reason: Merged threads
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Old 8th August 2017, 8:33 PM   #36
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i think there's a natural division between the idealistic/inexperienced and the people old enough to look back in hindsight and see the truth. The latter are pretty blunt, but it's mostly with the intention to try to save someone from making the same mistakes they themselves have made. But it's unlikely anyone will come here and just get eaten alive and spit back out like on some boards with no rules, and that's a good thing.
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Old 8th August 2017, 8:49 PM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nospam99 View Post
So .... I'm new here. I joined a couple of days ago because I had a relationship-related experience that I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings about. Rather than internalizing some emotions that could have easily festered, I just wanted to have someone or someones "listen" to me. Did that, felt like I got kind and friendly responses, all to the good.

Meanwhile, being "here", I've read a bunch of the other topics. At the risk of being brutal, I'm seeing some stuff that strikes me as describing self-destructive behaviors which are not getting really strong "don't do that again" feedback. Now, I've participated in enough "social media" to understand that there are unwritten rules: be nice to the other participants, be accepting, don't criticize, don't hurt people's feelings, we're all in this together so act that way. And again, I'm new enough to loveshack to not know to what extent those kind of unwritten rules are in play. (And I may be guilty of throwing rocks from inside my glass house because I don't see ME as being self-destructive at all.) So I'm curious. Is there a strong culture at loveshack of not being bluntly critical? If so, does that do a disservice to some of the participants who are not hearing that it looks to others that they are hurting themselves?
Forums can be honest, or a bit brutal perhaps. Im new also, but remember that a forum is not your support group. Its mainly for fun even though we may share a feeling in a post.

What i feel today and respond to I may not feel tomorrow. Its like any other forum been to but its pretty ok to me so far.

I have no idea. Maybe you just need to relax and flow with it. Do you actually think your ever going to meet any of these people in real life? I think not.

Great place to chat about hangups and other stuff....Its a large forum and can be overwhelming from what I see, but i belong to some large forums for years and we get along great. Love each other today, but at times we disagree.

Just dont get mad at me.ok
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Old 8th August 2017, 9:21 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nospam99 View Post
I am from "Nu Yawk" in the US (upstate though rather than "da city"). I also have always worked in rather "cold-blooded" business situations. So, yes, my perspective may be colored (dark) by my environment and background. In Real Life as opposed to online, I live in situations with low tolerance for BS. So, point taken.
Well, low tolerance to BS doesn't have to mean bluntness! You'll find your feet soon enough, no doubt.
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Old 8th August 2017, 9:40 PM   #39
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Maybe your talking abut me with the lack of "Don't do that again" directives. Who knows.

What I try and do is to point out the situation as I see it...based on my experiences.

You'll rarely see me telling anyone....

"Do not see this person again". "Do this...." "Don't do that....". If I do...I try and always give my rationale and thinking behind it my advice. The reasons I think it may be in their best interest....it's up to them to follow it or not follow it.

I can bluntly tell others what to do...but try and refrain from it. I tend to do it when I see someone who, in my opinion....may be in a dangerous situation....and comes across as being truly lost as to what to do to get out of the situation.

Otherwise....no. I try and give my own perspective...and let the reader make of it what they will. And how to proceed from there.

Because....in the end....I'm not always convinced that I do know what the best course of action is when it comes to dating, breaking up, etc. ...at least for others or even myself. All I really have is my own experience.

last thought....someone once told me to never give advice if the advice given is taken....turns out badly....and you're not willing to take responsibility for the outcome.

That's not a responsibility I want or need.
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Last edited by whatnot; 8th August 2017 at 9:45 PM..
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Old 9th August 2017, 5:27 AM   #40
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Originally Posted by littleblackheart View Post
Well, low tolerance to BS doesn't have to mean bluntness! You'll find your feet soon enough, no doubt.
Perhaps an example (in a ridiculous run-on sentence) .... If one of my kids was, in my perception, in a toxic relationship, poisoning what was or could be a great relationship by their expectations, or acting so "crazy" that I couldn't understand why they were doing what they were doing (all behaviors I've seen described by various posters here), I'd look them in the eye, tell them that, and STRONGLY suggest alternative behavior. I won't do that to posters here because I don't know them and have no reason to believe that I am any "smarter" about their relationship situation than they are. What I don't fully understand is that on a lot of topics no one here is figuratively looking the OP in the eye and reading the riot act. Perhaps the folks who "see the crazy" are thinking "who am I to judge" and just keeping their opinions to themselves.
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Old 9th August 2017, 5:33 AM   #41
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Or they know people generally don't take advice. Even when they seek it.

The best you can do is offer an opinion based on your experience. A different perspective.

That's true for our children also. STRONGLY suggest alternative behavior. If they are adults, they are going to do what they want.
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Old 9th August 2017, 6:18 AM   #42
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Yeah, preaching to others over the internet doesn't really work. I find a strong, personal account indicating a certain direction to take is a lot more effective than giving directives. I'd also say that always our claims, ideas and suggestions should measure in strength with the certainty about the situation at hand. Many times this doesn't happen.

You'll read things like

Quote:
You're doing everything right, it's all her fault!
or

Quote:
He's clearly a [mental condition]. Leave and never look back!
.

First, we have very limited information to go from on a forum like this. It's hardly ever reflected in the firmness of the "advice". Second, most people, including LS members, are unqualified to diagnose someone in person, let alone over the internet / by hear say. Third, human interaction is fraught with uncertainty, gray areas and most of what we say, and especially what we feel is open to interpretation. Fourth, we often forget to not explain things with evil where it can be explained with stupidity.

Those are all aspects that call for a measured, careful reaction as opposed to blanket statements vilifying or sainting posters or the person they ask about in their threads.
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Old 9th August 2017, 6:34 AM   #43
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Since this thread has begun to delve into a topic we generally don't discuss here, other members, I merged it with the thread moderation began many years ago on posting styles here, and which includes some very cogent directives and discussion from the site owner on this topic.

Also, any responses will trip his notifications so if he's around he'll come take a look and perhaps adjust things from his historical standards or respond directly, providing further guidance. Feel free to continue the discussion in general terms and without reference to any particular members or groups of members. Thanks!
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Old 9th August 2017, 6:48 AM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nospam99 View Post
Perhaps an example (in a ridiculous run-on sentence) .... If one of my kids was, in my perception, in a toxic relationship, poisoning what was or could be a great relationship by their expectations, or acting so "crazy" that I couldn't understand why they were doing what they were doing (all behaviors I've seen described by various posters here), I'd look them in the eye, tell them that, and STRONGLY suggest alternative behavior. I won't do that to posters here because I don't know them and have no reason to believe that I am any "smarter" about their relationship situation than they are. What I don't fully understand is that on a lot of topics no one here is figuratively looking the OP in the eye and reading the riot act. Perhaps the folks who "see the crazy" are thinking "who am I to judge" and just keeping their opinions to themselves.
I see what you mean. There may be an element of what you describe (who likes to be judged for their actions?), but on the more practical side, it can simply be down to timing (time-zones etc.) so those folks who 'see the crazy' have missed the window to try and make a positive impact.

Also, it's mostly a North-American forum but with an international dimension (I'm French, for instance) so I think cultural (or regional) differences can play a role in how you read, perceive, give or receive advice (only speak for myself here). Not everyone will agree but for me it's not so much about appearing to be judgey (there's quite of lot of that on the forum anyway, as you will see ), but it's a sort of mindfulness and respect for the poster (a stranger) you are addressing.

Just like you, I am far more direct and straightforward with people in my life than I am here, because I don't know them and most (like me) come here when they are at a low point in their lives; so yes, there is a place for tough love to be sure, but the supportive kind, not the 'how can you be so dumb' type.
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Old 9th August 2017, 7:01 AM   #45
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The sites gone through several evolutions in the 7 years I've been here. Periods where nobody could start a thread without getting ripped to shreds, then when there was no moderation at all and any kind of vile thing you could imagine to say was allowed. That was an intense few months. I'd say the main regular base tends to mostly turn over every few years and you get different feel each time. Right now yeah, there's not a whole lot of bluntness. I do frequently run across threads that are multiple pages long and nobody has stated the obvious, perhaps uncomfortable truth, which is unusual in history.

I generally just say whatevers on my mind, in as respectful a form as I can, but always truthful/direct and I'm still here. So it's not really a moderation issue. More just a personality of the posters here today thing I'd say.
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