Should I hold out on him?

[Nur]

I have a problem that's developed with my boyfriend, who was first a close friend for three years. Whatever intellectual connection we had as friends is seemingly, for the most part, gone. For me, being a girl (this might be a sexist comment; I don't know) communication is an extremely important part of my relationship. I see my boyfriend on weekends -- during the week I go away to school and we talk on the phone.

 

Lately I had a talk with him because he wasn't calling me much, maybe two or three times a week for about twenty minutes at a time. We'd pretty much tell each other shallow stuff like what we did that day, and then he'd say, "Well, I have stuff to do, I have to go." End of conversation. And many days he didn't call. When I explained to him that I felt neglected and lonely, he seemed genuinely surprised and told me he'd try to call more, and I have yet to see if he follows through.

 

I know that none of this lack of talking is from his not caring about me. He cares deeply for me emotionally, and if I were ever in trouble he'd be there in an instant, but he seems to consider the more mundane aspects of life not worth taking the time to cover. Hopefully he'll realize that it's one of the most important parts of being together -- being parts of each other's lives.

 

My biggest problem, though, seems to be whenever I try to talk about something intellectually stimulating. Tonight I talked with him for two hours (which I manage to do sometimes) about us -- rather abstractly, like the emotions behind things or the reasons we do things -- and for the first hour he listened for the most part, and kept trying to turn the conversation to something sexual. I indulged him a bit, but it seemed that as I got more and more involved and excited about a topic, he'd be more silent on the other end until finally he told me he was tired and he wanted to go to sleep. So rather than making him think, he was struggling to pay attention and finally tiredness overcame him.

 

When I see him personally, he wants to make out all the time. If I am in a serious mood, trying to talk about something, he'll listen for a bit, but I can tell his mind is on other things because he keeps kissing me and touching me. Now I can only put up with this for so long before I get into it too, and boom we end up making out. Again.

 

What confuses me is that we weren't always like this. Before the sexual attraction grew between us and we were just platonic friends we'd have good conversations. Sometimes, when he IS listening, he has insightful comments. I know the potential is there, but his mind seems so distracted by his lust that he's hardly able to focus.

 

We've been dating six months, but the attraction between us only grows. I feel it too, but I also feel guilty every time I give into it because, though it was fun at the time, it is not solving this emotional lack that I feel. We need to talk more. I need to be a bigger part of his life, and he mine. We need to have an emotional and intellectual connection again. But his (and my, too, I have to admit it) sexual desire is preventing that. It really alarms me when I am getting into a topic, and he falls silent and eventually mumbles something about being tired. Do I bore him? I don't know, and I don't think so, but something just seems wierd.

 

The only solution I can think of is this: we hold off on making out a while, maybe a few weeks, and see if the emotional connection is still there. I want to see if we can still feel close without the talk of making out, and have a conversation without turning it into a make-out session. Really, it's ridiculous. Other couples I see can talk and enjoy being together without making it something sexual. I want to see if we can, too.

 

Is this a good idea? Might it work? If anyone else has been in a similar situation, trying to have an intellectual and emotional connection with someone driven mad with lust, please share. I can use all the help I can get.

 

Don't get the wrong idea, either. There is a depth between us -- after all, we were friends for three years! We had normal and meaningful conversations all the time, because there wasn't this distracting urge pulling our minds away. But how do I get that back? There is a time for making out, but that is only a part of what a relationship is. There needs to be a balance. Does anyone think my idea of holding out on him for a few weeks (and explaining my intentions, of course, so he doesn't think I am rejecting him or giving him the cold shoulder) might help bring about the neglected side of our relationship? This issue really concerns me.