Ugh. I'm an idiot

[kitkat.]

Hi,

This is my first post, it looks like a great forum . Sorry if I sound like (or am) a totally horible cheater but I'd really appreciate any advice.

 

I've been an absolute mess in my relationship since October of last year and don't know what to do. My bf and I have been doing long distance for 2 and a half years (i'm at uni) and it started getting hard for me last summer. We were dealing with a lot of things and not just long distance - he's been struggling with job and money issues. These are on-going and I've tried to be very supportive but its dominated a lot of our time together.There were other things too as I started to question whether I was still attracted to him physically. We are the most fantastic companions and I've never had a friend like him, but something feels so wrong and recently its become very complicated.

 

I became attracted to someone else in October after never being tempted once in the whole of our long distance relationship. I know this is partly to do with timing - there are problems in our relationship and my fears about settling down after uni. I talked to my bf a few times about this in Oct and Nov and I asked twice for a break, he said 'no' and that I'm either with him or we split. Eventually, at the end of last year I cheated with this other guy - we were intimate twice and I slept with him. If I'm honest, it was the first time that I've been kissed for so long, my bf and I just don't kiss anymore (he kisses me on the cheek a lot of the time) and I don't know if I'm attracted to him in that way. Its not a totally non-physical relationship, but there are definite issues and sometimes I wonder if we've gone to the companion stage of a relationship in out mid-twenties.

 

I never told my bf about cheating but was/am such an emotional wreck that he realised that I needed the break and has agreed to give me space. The other guy was a player and has since rejected me - which i deserve but it hurts as I'd liked him for a long time and saw a possible future. I don't know what to do. If I stay with my bf and don't tell him about this then I spare his feelings but have to live with this. If I do tell him, I hurt him horribly. Even if he forgave me, I still might not stay with him because I'm so confused. I feel like such an auful, auful person. I truly and deeply care for him but feel totally stiffled in some areas of this relationship and have behaved terribly.

 

I totally realise that I don't deserve sympathy but I would really appreciate advice.

 

Thanks for reading this.

[cygny]

hey i for one do think you deserve sympathy. maybe not for the cheating part, but i totally see where you are coming from. had a similar situation myself. eventually we broke up as much as i cared about him it wasn't working. had the player too and got rejected too and yes it hurt like hell. good news is i'm happier being single than i was in the relationship. so don't feel like you have to be involved with someone, maybe play the field-- if you are in university its your time to explore. wish i had done more of that when in that situation.

[Lucasarts]

humm understandable that when you're in a LDR that its gonna most likely fail right?

 

i mean we want something to hold onto and love, its hard to hold onto something that is thousands of miles away from you. Physical needs are important to sustaining a relationship and apparently your's was lacking. I would simply move and try to find a guy as good or even better then your current b/f.

 

the cheating isnt surprising tho...

[kitkat.]

Thank you both for the replies and advice. Its very helpful to hear your thoughts.

 

I'm still shocked with myself and how I've behaved. The simple truth is that I've been deeply confused about the bf situation for so long and should have

made a decision and stuck by it, months before it came to the point of cheating. I didn't really want to see the signs cos I have so much good stuff with my bf and I am terrified about what life would be like without him. I mean, he is my best friend and he genuinely loves me. We have so many good times together and have been so committed. But still look at how I've behaved and how confused I've been...it doesn't really make sense. My gut instinct is that it was time for us to split in October and I hung on for too long and ended up becoming someone who he wouldn't love if he knew the truth.

 

I'm just so sorry that he's going to suffer too because he does not deserve it. The last few months have been so painful and in a way I'm pleased that it hurts me as its a kind of penance for cheating. Maybe I'll even have learned something and I can try and treat him kindly through the end of this. But what a total nightmare!

 

Thanks.

ps I double-posted - sorry about that, was an accident.