My girlfriend's alcohol addiction is ruining my love...

[Kanejd]

Hi everyone! I would appreciate any suggestions you can offer.

 

My girlfriend is sweet, caring and funny...until she has a drink. I've been with her for 17 months. I didn't know she had an addiction to alcohol until four months in. I thought she could overcome it; I believed in her. She tried rehab and AA without positive results (she refuses to go to AA or counseling because she thinks that she is smarter than the counselors). She seems to drink at night so she can sleep and not deal with a job she hates, a weight problem and excessive financial hardship. She is a happy drunk until you say or do something she does not like, then all hell breaks loose. She has managed to prevent the addiction from affecting her job because she only drinks at night. However, she has gained 40 pounds in the last year and is misserable and highly self-conscious.

 

I have been hanging on a string for a while now. I do not believe I can change her; only she can do that. I am running on optimism because she is so wonderful in so many ways. But every time she drinks, I get so dissappointed...I just want to run away. The day after she drinks, she does not even acknowledge anything from the night before, even if she said extremely hurtful things to me or embarrassed herself. Her friends don't come around much anymore. Her mother is oblivious. I seem to be her only advocate. I don't want to give up on her, but her whole life is in shambles and I don't want to be dragged there too.

 

I have tried to talk to her several times, but she just gets defensive and starts cursing at me. She does not want to hear any critisism or insight to how her behavior is effecting herself or others. She has gone so far as to drink Niquil every night because she things it's better than having a drink. She hides her drinking from me because she knows I get upset. I'm away at work every week and she regularly gets drunk when I'm not home and tells me she hasn't been drinking even though I hear it in her voice. She is not willing to take responsibility. I'm fed up but I don't want to leave her high and dry. However, if I leave it might be a wake up call to get some help.

 

Bottom line is I love her and want to be there for her, but it's taking a huge toll on my feelings and my personal satisfaction in the relationship. My optimism is starting to turn to realism and feeling that I need to move on. I'm very confused!

[whichwayisup]

She needs help. Either way! Therapy - So she can deal with the problems at hand, which are making her drink, to help her with the self esteem issues she is having and ofcourse going to AA to get support so she can stop drinking. Sadly, as long as she feels she doesn't have a problem, this is how things are going to continue.

 

You have some choices to make, I know this won't be easy!

 

You can involve her family, tell them what she is up to. She may hate you but atleast your'e trying to save her life! She has to see how this is affecting the relationship, maybe letting her know that you're close to walking out the door may MAKE her see things in a different light.

 

She needs to reach her lowest point before she gets help. Even then, she may never feel the urge to reach out for help! So, I think maybe letting the folks know and ask them to do an intervention could make a difference.

 

How old is she?

[Kanejd]

She's 34. We've already done an intervention. She tried counseling and AA. She is totally oppossed to it. She is very strong willed and I have told her how her drinking effects me and that I will walk out if she doesn't seek more help. This had not done a thing.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know what else to offer. I am sure this is very hard on you and hard to see her go through this. I guess you need to decide HOW much you love her and want to be with her. She may have to lose ALOT before getting help and realizing she has a real problem.

[wanda1974]

Sorry your going through this. It's tough. I was married to an alcoholic for 8 years, and the whole time, I thought it would change. It's a disease, and unless they want to help themselves, the truth is, there's nothing you caqn do for them. I couldn't get my H to go to AA, so I went to al-anon to learn how to cope. It really helped me to understand the situation, see, if you "can't change someone, change yourself". Al-anon is a great program, and it will do nothing for her, but it will definitely help you through this tough time. I did learn through al-anon that it usually takes an alcoholic to hit rock bottom before they want to change. Maybe by you leaving here, that will be her "bottom". Good luck!

[Kanejd]

Thank you for your insight. I have gone to Al-Anon meetings before. I guess I have to decide what I'm willing to do or how far I'm willing to go. I know there is not one answer to my issue, but I must know myself and use discretion. Thanks again everyone.

[NYCmitch25]

You are right about a lot of this, I think the key is setting guidelines for her. Any lax behavior hurts both you and her as it fails to seek resolve. I would also break out the trump card -- Tell her you will not stand for this anymore and threaten to leave her if things don't improve and do so if they don't.

[Geoffrey]

(I posted this on another thread but it bears repeating here)

 

I recently got out of a relationship (6 weeks ago) with a wonderful girl that I spent the last 14 mos of my life with, every single day. I love her dearly. She is an alcoholic and i know that I am too. We are both 40. She has much less self-control over it than i do. It was beginning to really wear on me, we both quit drinking for about 5 weeks, it was a sunny time in our lives, certainly not easy, but then her life issues called her back to the bottle once again, and, unfortunately, i followed suit.

 

We had a wonderful relationship for a long time, until the drinking began to take over our lives.

 

She also suffers from depression, not a good thing to medicate with alcohol...I have watched her slowly decline over the last year, she lost her job, fell deeper into depression, and did nothing to seek the help she so badly needs. I must admit we enabled each other, but in the last two months she developed feelings for a fellow alcoholic (he is 47) who suffers from end-stage liver disease, who ended up in the hospital for some time with ascites (fluid swelling in the abdominal area - his liver is basically cooked). She felt sorry for him, became his greatest advocate for getting himself well (he has no other people who would do that for him in his life), and they developed feelings for one another. He is now supporting her financially (he has some inherited money) because she is too depressed to look for work again (she has been out of work for 7 months now). This man has teeth rotted down to the nubs, and a basically broken body and partly clouded mind. Not everything works properly, if you know what I mean (i am fully functional, with a good job, not depressed).

 

The decision to part was mutual, she would run over to his house (which is filthy, I might add) and go on 2-day drinking binges. More than once I went over there to take her home and put her to bed to recover. Finally, I saw where the relationship was going and decided I needed to save my own sanity...but i will NEVER understand what she sees in this man....he lets her do whatever she wants (he is now 2 months sober), she drinks heavily in front of him and is now basically living there. She doesn't want to work, doesn't want to get well, and doesn't function except to watch tv for most of the day.

 

This is a very sad tale, but writing about is theraputic for me. When I first met this girl she was a ray of sunshine, welcomed me and my kids into her world, took good care of herself and all of us.

 

Now she is a shadow of her former self and it just makes me cry to think ther eis nothing more that I can do for her right now. I see all of her wonderful colors in her rainbow and the person she really is, she is so ill right now. I pray for her on a daily basis, would perhaps LOVE to try it again, but certainly not under these conditions...much healing to do on her part.

 

May God reach out and touch her heart, heal her depression, open her eyes, and show her EXACTLY what is going on in her life that she needs to fix....because there is nothing more that I can do for her now. I am hurting very much over this breakup and i know she is too, I know she loves me but her illness is driving her life choices right now.

 

Pray for her too, please.