CurlyIam Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Does giving ultimatums ever work? What's your opinion on this subject? Does one person wanting/needing something really badly ever have the right to impose it to the other person? We're all animals and we all have needs and we stay within relationships to have these needs met. So what happenes when something really important affects the other person? When are ultimatums understandable/excusable? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 An ultimatum means that things are pretty screwed up. I've never given them. I just take the high road and leave before I reach that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 I wish things were that easy. I ask this because at times they're legitimate. I've got this friend who wants to take her relationship to the next level - she wants to move in with her guy. He's not saying "yes" or "no", but she's at this point where she wants more than just a day per week end. So she told him how she feels. that's an ultimatum, because she either moves forward with this relationship or lets it go (as staying where she is makes her unhappy). I've told her that IMHO, she should thank Lord that he didn't say "yes" because moving in is a real fuss and a real commitment. But the mere fact of her asking him that... is it fair? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Things are easy, it's just that our emotions get in the way. They don't call it the crossroads for nothing... Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 i think ultimatums are unnecessary in most cases, and just cause resentment for the person given them the most common is probably a situation like this one, or one that one wants to marry and one doesn't. if you love someone enough to live with them or marry them, wouldn't you be willing to wait for them to be ready? if you really loved this person, why would you be so willing to end it? otherwise, it seems like you're only with them to satisfy you own needs. ultimatums hurt both people, i think. i call ultimatums "old tomatoes." don't know why i shared that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 What if that person isn't ready for you now and will maybe never be? how much can you wait whan he gives you no time frame? I'm against ultimatums myself and as I've said earlier, she's lucky because she can't have what she wants. Bt if she really does want it, Kate... how long can you wait? I don't know exactly how long they have been together, a couple of years, I think. Wait for what? Until when? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam What if that person isn't ready for you now and will maybe never be? how much can you wait whan he gives you no time frame? Depends on how much you like to torture yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Ultimatums are to be used only in extreme circumstances. When I frequented an AD/HD spouse board, telling the person with AD/HD to get treatment or say goodbye to the marriage was used every now and then when a partner had been part of a couple for years and promised changes never happened and the partner issuing the ultimatum was at wits' end. When everything possible else has been tried and someone feels like they will have a breakdown or are beyond themselves with stress, then an ultimatum can be used as the last attempt to solve the problem. But the person issuing the ultimatum has to be prepared to follow through. Sometimes people just don't wake up and get it until somebody tosses an ultimatum at them. Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam What if that person isn't ready for you now and will maybe never be? how much can you wait whan he gives you no time frame? I'm against ultimatums myself and as I've said earlier, she's lucky because she can't have what she wants. Bt if she really does want it, Kate... how long can you wait? I don't know exactly how long they have been together, a couple of years, I think. Wait for what? Until when? well, if you love them enough to do these things with them, you wait until you really start to lose interest in waiting anymore. at that point, you will probably be questioning your love for this person, seeing as you have uncommon interests and goals. then the separation won't be as hard. but if there's still love, there's still hope. when either runs out, time to move on, i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme But the person issuing the ultimatum has to be prepared to follow through. Sometimes people just don't wake up and get it until somebody tosses an ultimatum at them. Very true! I admit that using them can back fire and wound the ultimatum-giver very badly, but hey, that girl is stuck in that situation . I call it "desperate means for desperate needs", LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam I call it "desperate means for desperate needs", LOL! very true. maybe even better than "old tomatoes." Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 People loathe ultimatums because it often means "no more having and eating your cake, mate." Or it forces a woolly-minded partner to make a decision and stop wasting your time. I respect Westernxer's decisiveness about these things, but I tend to be a bit more uncertain when it comes to knowing whether it's time to say adios - and I know that just walking away before I've tried that final measure can leave me feeling uncertain and regretful. If you're only 65% certain that a relationship isn't going to work out, issuing or receiving an ultimatum can lift you to 100% certainty - and if that means getting you out of the wrong relationship more quickly, then I'm all for it. I can think of at least one relationship where things could have ended a good bit sooner - and a lot of heart-break could have been saved - if I'd just been a bit more pro-active in the business of issuing an ultimatum. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 IMO ultimatums are perfectly acceptable. Equally, it's perfectly acceptable to dump someone for giving one. Link to post Share on other sites
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