Question for OW regarding moving on from MM

[mingomatic]

Hi all. New user here.

I'm not a OM or OW, but currently I'm involved with a girl who was a OW and I happened to find out because the MM got dumped in favour of me. Basically she told the MM that she met me and wanted a relationship with me, so she didn't want to continue the affair. MM panicked and proposed to her (his own marriage was on the rocks already, according to him). My girl still rejected his proposal. MM felt jilted and emailed me with photographic evidence , selfies, screenshots and texts etc , hoping to get revenge on her. This screwed up my head immensely. I posted on some other thread to find out about my Maddona-Whore complex, but people replying to my thread have emphasised the fact that my girl should be dumped because she kept in contact with the MM and this behaviour from her was unlikely to change.

 

Understandably , OW want to bury their past . Have any former OW here managed to find another socially acceptable single guy that they really dig and then go on to develop a successful LTR? Do you all still miss the MM when you're with the new guy? Do you ever feel like confessing to your new partner about your past? Do you ever try to seek out the MM when you're arguing with the new guy ?

Or former OW who managed to reconcile successfully with their spouses who

a) knew about the affair and truly forgave them?

b) were none the wiser?

Edited March 7, 2018 by mingomatic

[burnt]

Hi all. New user here.

I'm not a OM or OW, but currently I'm involved with a girl who was a OW and I happened to find out because the MM got dumped in favour of me. Basically she told the MM that she met me and wanted a relationship with me, so she didn't want to continue the affair. MM panicked and proposed to her (his own marriage was on the rocks already, according to him). My girl still rejected his proposal. MM felt jilted and emailed me with photographic evidence , selfies, screenshots and texts etc , hoping to get revenge on her. This screwed up my head immensely. I posted on some other thread to find out about my Maddona-Whore complex, but people replying to my thread have emphasised the fact that my girl should be dumped because she kept in contact with the MM and this behaviour from her was unlikely to change.

 

Understandably , OW want to bury their past . Have any former OW here managed to find another socially acceptable single guy that they really dig and then go on to develop a successful LTR? Do you all still miss the MM when you're with the new guy? Do you ever feel like confessing to your new partner about your past? Do you ever try to seek out the MM when you're arguing with the new guy ?

Or former OW who managed to reconcile successfully with their spouses who

a) knew about the affair and truly forgave them?

b) were none the wiser?

 

I am an xMW xOW.

 

The start of the start of the affair was five years ago. From the start of the affair to the end, I was in contact with xMM for about two years. (The affair didn't last that long--it was just intermittent on and off contact for a long time). After that, it took me another year to get over xMM. Within that time frame there was no one else in my mind--I didn't think for one single moment that I'd ever be able to let go. I divorced my spouse and left my life behind and moved onto another part of the country.

 

Extreme excruciating non-stop pain without any support system will do a number one you, I suppose. When I did finally get over him, it was absolute. Even if the entire world dies, even if he cuts his arms off, I wouldn't volunteer to spend a single moment in his presence at this point or ever.

 

I dated someone last year and fell for him deeply. I didn't think I had it in me to ever love another, but I did. Though I was and am acutely aware that it is no longer possible for me to love anyone for the rest of my life with the depth, intensity, and sincerity that I put into xMM. That side of me is gone, truly permanently gone. I was ready to commit for life with this new person last year, but the relationship didn't last because he didn't feel the same way about me.

 

My guess is, IF your GF is still in contact with her xMM, that only means one thing: she is not over him. Affair dynamics are not simple--they are like the most self destructive addictive psychological game. It's not possible to just flip a switch and "be done with" the affair partners. It will take her a long time to be fully done with him.

 

My guess is she is genuinely trying to be done with him, but is unable to fully cut ties. Emotionally she is probably still a slave of him, but rationally she does want to start something healthy with anyone but him.

 

Chances are she is forcing herself to date and forcing herself to be with anyone else to forget him. It is possible she cares about you, but chances are he is in her mind a LOT.

 

Please realize, I am only guessing based on my own mindset, and I could be completely wrong about her, but if you do stay with her, do realize that you will have to be more than patient and chances are she is going to be back and forth with him again and again many times before she can finally be done with him.

 

On a completely unrelated note,

I'd suggest, you contact this MM"s wife and tell her the truth about the sweet gentleman she is married to. What a prize! He is married, cheating on his wife, and when his mistress tries to move on, he goes to destroy her life too. He has the audacity to contact you--that's beyond ugly.

 

It is clearly none of your business, but he has taken the initiative to contact you, it's only fair that he gets a taste of his own medicine.

[mingomatic]

I am an xMW xOW.

 

The start of the start of the affair was five years ago. From the start of the affair to the end, I was in contact with xMM for about two years. (The affair didn't last that long--it was just intermittent on and off contact for a long time). After that, it took me another year to get over xMM. Within that time frame there was no one else in my mind--I didn't think for one single moment that I'd ever be able to let go. I divorced my spouse and left my life behind and moved onto another part of the country.

 

Extreme excruciating non-stop pain without any support system will do a number one you, I suppose. When I did finally get over him, it was absolute. Even if the entire world dies, even if he cuts his arms off, I wouldn't volunteer to spend a single moment in his presence at this point or ever.

 

I dated someone last year and fell for him deeply. I didn't think I had it in me to ever love another, but I did. Though I was and am acutely aware that it is no longer possible for me to love anyone for the rest of my life with the depth, intensity, and sincerity that I put into xMM. That side of me is gone, truly permanently gone. I was ready to commit for life with this new person last year, but the relationship didn't last because he didn't feel the same way about me.

 

My guess is, IF your GF is still in contact with her xMM, that only means one thing: she is not over him. Affair dynamics are not simple--they are like the most self destructive addictive psychological game. It's not possible to just flip a switch and "be done with" the affair partners. It will take her a long time to be fully done with him.

 

My guess is she is genuinely trying to be done with him, but is unable to fully cut ties. Emotionally she is probably still a slave of him, but rationally she does want to start something healthy with anyone but him.

 

Chances are she is forcing herself to date and forcing herself to be with anyone else to forget him. It is possible she cares about you, but chances are he is in her mind a LOT.

 

Please realize, I am only guessing based on my own mindset, and I could be completely wrong about her, but if you do stay with her, do realize that you will have to be more than patient and chances are she is going to be back and forth with him again and again many times before she can finally be done with him.

 

On a completely unrelated note,

I'd suggest, you contact this MM"s wife and tell her the truth about the sweet gentleman she is married to. What a prize! He is married, cheating on his wife, and when his mistress tries to move on, he goes to destroy her life too. He has the audacity to contact you--that's beyond ugly.

 

It is clearly none of your business, but he has taken the initiative to contact you, it's only fair that he gets a taste of his own medicine.

 

Thanks for sharing. After I confronted my GF with what I knew, she broke down and cried. She admitted to everything. She even felt a bit guilty and said that I should go find a good girl, and she felt ashamed and undeserving.

 

I was swept up in slightly foolish, chivalrous passion and told her I forgave her. I told her I loved her but she didn't say she loved me like in the movies. I did ask her whether she still loved him but all she would say 'But he has lots of problems' .

 

Later on, my retroactive jealousy reared its ugly head and I did all kinds of things I wasn't proud of. Constant inappropriate sexual innuendo because I excessively sexualized her according to the pictures that guy sent me. Bouts of anger and insecurity trying to coax an 'I love you' out of her. Sniping and unkind comments insinuating things about her sordid past. She tolerated it for a while, but eventually it got too much for both of us. I was not sleeping properly, unfocused at work and moody. She also felt fearful of me. I went for IC and took sleeping pills, but it still was a problem.

 

Now we're taking a break and things aren't looking good. But I must say the break has been good for me because I'm sleeping better. But reading on the internet made me realize that retroactive jealousy is not just a 'normal male instinct'. It's pathological. So I guess it's more IC for me.

 

It's unlikely we'll get back together even though she has messaged me for dinner once or twice. I've ignored those.

 

When I self reflect, and also from the few posts I got from LS, I think I'm better off without her. Living with the constant doubt, fear and jealousy is not good for me. I can't peer into her head and know what she's thinking. Trusting her and risking being cuckolded later on is a big ask for me, and I'm just not cut out for it. As you say, knowing that I might never be as loved as him would wound me greatly. It would wound any man to know that a woman settled for him because he was more socially acceptable and not the true love that appealed to her.

 

Having said that, it's likely that she would lose all her love for him (she probably has) because of his vindictive, cowardly behaviour in emailing me. If she's got half a brain, she'd know that he cannot be trusted and if she cheats on me, he would likely use it as leverage against her. I guess I was lucky that way. But I shudder to think what would happen if he had just kept quiet and continued contacting her.

Edited March 7, 2018 by mingomatic

[Popsicle]

I don’t know, I had a stint as a single OW. I no longer talk to him though and have no desire to. Single men are so much better. Your girl needs to cut all ties with the MM.

[mingomatic]

I don’t know, I had a stint as a single OW. I no longer talk to him though and have no desire to. Single men are so much better. Your girl needs to cut all ties with the MM.

 

That's the thing. The first time I confronted her, she didn't apologize for keeping in contact with him. She said 'I thought he was a good guy . We could be friends. From now on I'll just send short replies ' That made me so mad, but the white knight in me just tried to keep an even temper. I asked her again nicely, please cut contact with him, and she said she was too scared of him to cut off contact because he might go even more ballistic and disseminate his confession to colleagues, her parents , her siblings etc. I relented a bit.

 

Two days later at lunch , I ask her again about her contact with this guy.. and she says 'Oh, nothing. We talked about the weather. I tried to keep my replies short and delayed them for like an hour after he asked. ' I got really hopping mad and said ' Let me see the messages'. She said no. I got up to leave in a huff. She was visibly frightened and grabbed onto my arms, not saying anything. She begged me to stay. Again, I relented. We ate lunch without talking about it any more. She of course tried to be more attentive to me than usual, wiping food off my mouth and serving me food.

 

Later that afternoon, she said she finally stood up to him and told him she wanted to stop contact. He was furious initially, according to her. Eventually he simmered down and was calm and placid. She said he begged her to tell her when she was going to block him and not leave him in the dark.

 

Again, I wasn't satisfied. Some part of me was willing to be understanding. After all she was trying to appease a potential psycho who had damaging information and who was still seriously not over her. Her interactions with him would be out of fear and therefore not true emotional cheating, right? Turns out that really did not sit well with me as the days went by.

[mingomatic]

I don’t know, I had a stint as a single OW. I no longer talk to him though and have no desire to. Single men are so much better. Your girl needs to cut all ties with the MM.

 

What helped you snap out of your stint? Finding another guy? Or did he stop it with you? Who dumped whom?

[carhill]

Having been around this a lot IMO if she was truly with you, this guy would be dead to her. She could shut him off like a faucet.

 

That she straight out told you is a disclaimer. A combo shyte test and liability waiver. That exMM apparently knew how to contact you adds more fuel to it.

 

I'd suggest requesting she change her phone number and e-mail and focusing on your relationship. See what the response is. Yeah, I know humans are devious and such trivialities don't stop people who want to be in contact with each other. It's more to observe how she prioritizes and communicates.

 

Unfinished business is what I smell. Good luck!

[mingomatic]

Having been around this a lot IMO if she was truly with you, this guy would be dead to her. She could shut him off like a faucet.

 

That she straight out told you is a disclaimer. A combo shyte test and liability waiver. That exMM apparently knew how to contact you adds more fuel to it.

 

I'd suggest requesting she change her phone number and e-mail and focusing on your relationship. See what the response is. Yeah, I know humans are devious and such trivialities don't stop people who want to be in contact with each other. It's more to observe how she prioritizes and communicates.

 

Unfinished business is what I smell. Good luck!

 

Yeah, she tagged me in one of her Facebook posts. She said he asked her if I was the new guy. She admitted it. From there on it was easy to google me and find my work email and picture from my company's website.

[Popsicle]

What helped you snap out of your stint? Finding another guy? Or did he stop it with you? Who dumped whom?

 

I stopped with him. What made me stop was just waking up. I faced the reality of how, despite whatever he said about the wife, I was still second-place to her and that felt ****ty. I learned about cake eating and how there really was no love there. I got tired of the drama, and that's all it was. I realized that I was just lonely and I needed to look towards other men. I didn't find another guy for a while but when I did, it was so great. I was asking myself what was a thinking pining after some married guy. So stupid.

 

Since your Gf is apprehensive about cutting MM off, I think you need to leave your GF and cut her off. As in stop talking to her and tell her why. She is being stupid, and I hate to say it but A LOT of women are stupid with carrying a torch for a married man. It's all a mindset that they think is some sort of profound love. It's not. But you, OP, can not reason with stupid and I suggest you stop wasting your life and time with her. YOU also need to move onto greener pastures - a better woman. I often think those who have been betrayed who choose to stay and moan about their partners past affair are stupid too. Move on, you deserve better.

[Popsicle]

That's the thing. The first time I confronted her, she didn't apologize for keeping in contact with him. She said 'I thought he was a good guy . We could be friends. From now on I'll just send short replies ' That made me so mad, but the white knight in me just tried to keep an even temper. I asked her again nicely, please cut contact with him, and she said she was too scared of him to cut off contact because he might go even more ballistic and disseminate his confession to colleagues, her parents , her siblings etc. I relented a bit.

 

Two days later at lunch , I ask her again about her contact with this guy.. and she says 'Oh, nothing. We talked about the weather. I tried to keep my replies short and delayed them for like an hour after he asked. ' I got really hopping mad and said ' Let me see the messages'. She said no. I got up to leave in a huff. She was visibly frightened and grabbed onto my arms, not saying anything. She begged me to stay. Again, I relented. We ate lunch without talking about it any more. She of course tried to be more attentive to me than usual, wiping food off my mouth and serving me food.

 

Later that afternoon, she said she finally stood up to him and told him she wanted to stop contact. He was furious initially, according to her. Eventually he simmered down and was calm and placid. She said he begged her to tell her when she was going to block him and not leave him in the dark.

 

Again, I wasn't satisfied. Some part of me was willing to be understanding. After all she was trying to appease a potential psycho who had damaging information and who was still seriously not over her. Her interactions with him would be out of fear and therefore not true emotional cheating, right? Turns out that really did not sit well with me as the days went by.

 

 

So go spend some time reading in the OW/OM forum to get an idea of where their head/thoughts are. I've seen the vindictive ones and this MM sounds like one. Why is he being so vindictive? Because he wants to destroy her and you, but mostly her. Is that love? I think not. Like you said, it's scorched earth. It's total Fatal Attraction. He thinks HE'S a victim of her. I can not know where your girls heart is, but they both were in the wrong. She went all in thinking he was going to leave his wife for her, but he didn't which hurt her, so she got a single man. He got all high knowing this girl was crazy in love with him and that he could feel something again, then he finds out that she has a single man and thinks he's been played by her. He's angry. They both were lying to each other about their undying love. If it were me in your shoes, it would be too much drama for me and I'd run from it all, But if you really think this girl is something special to fight for, then I'd ask her if she wanted me to talk to the MM. Her answer would be telling.

[PegNosePete]

the white knight in me just tried to keep an even temper. I asked her again nicely, please cut contact with him

You should not have said "please" at this point. You need to lay down a firm boundary.

 

You should have said, "I am not prepared to remain in a relationship with someone who is in contact with their former MM". And then the ball is in her court. If she talks to him again, you walk.

 

After all she was trying to appease a potential psycho

If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. She is keeping him as backup in case things don't work out with you. No self respecting man allows a woman to keep a backup option going like this!!

[whichwayisup]

As long as she is in contact with exMM, you're doomed. She has feelings for him and that contact feeds those feelings even more. She doesn't want to cut him off and get him out of her life.

 

Don't waste your energy and heart on someone who isn't over their previous ex (or in this case, affair partner).

[mingomatic]

So go spend some time reading in the OW/OM forum to get an idea of where their head/thoughts are. I've seen the vindictive ones and this MM sounds like one. Why is he being so vindictive? Because he wants to destroy her and you, but mostly her. Is that love? I think not. Like you said, it's scorched earth. It's total Fatal Attraction. He thinks HE'S a victim of her. I can not know where your girls heart is, but they both were in the wrong. She went all in thinking he was going to leave his wife for her, but he didn't which hurt her, so she got a single man. He got all high knowing this girl was crazy in love with him and that he could feel something again, then he finds out that she has a single man and thinks he's been played by her. He's angry. They both were lying to each other about their undying love. If it were me in your shoes, it would be too much drama for me and I'd run from it all, But if you really think this girl is something special to fight for, then I'd ask her if she wanted me to talk to the MM. Her answer would be telling.

 

You don't know how right you are. His mail to me was full of things like 'she was the devil sent to tempt me and I failed ' 'she is the winner and I am the loser' and how she gets to come out unscathed while 'his world is in ashes'

 

Seems like we're broken up now though. Not because of the drama. Because of me being unable to deal with her past. Classic MWC

[mingomatic]

So go spend some time reading in the OW/OM forum to get an idea of where their head/thoughts are. I've seen the vindictive ones and this MM sounds like one. Why is he being so vindictive? Because he wants to destroy her and you, but mostly her. Is that love? I think not. Like you said, it's scorched earth. It's total Fatal Attraction. He thinks HE'S a victim of her. I can not know where your girls heart is, but they both were in the wrong. She went all in thinking he was going to leave his wife for her, but he didn't which hurt her, so she got a single man. He got all high knowing this girl was crazy in love with him and that he could feel something again, then he finds out that she has a single man and thinks he's been played by her. He's angry. They both were lying to each other about their undying love. If it were me in your shoes, it would be too much drama for me and I'd run from it all, But if you really think this girl is something special to fight for, then I'd ask her if she wanted me to talk to the MM. Her answer would be telling.

 

I did message the guy back once, telling him that him keeping up contact with her was unproductive , please go away.

 

He replied ' I'm not going to go away for your convenience. You aren't a man. You can't control your woman. Why don't you ask her whether she's been contacting me?' Then he blocked me.

 

That was the day I confronted my GF and told her that I got an email from this MM detailing their affair. I also showed her a screenshot of my exchange with him. All the while, she was scared and looked stressed.

 

Yeah, two days later she told me she decided to NC him, but for reasons I felt were wrong. She should have done it out of respect to me, not because 'I thought he was a good friend, and he betrayed me' . Then she requested me not to contact him. Said she didn't want to set him off. I suppose if I had gloated to him, I'd be inflaming things.