Does exMM’s wife want to become my friend?

[Conqueror]

Hello. Many of you have been following my story. DDay has been almost 3 years ago. Everyone has moved on, had babies, moved into new homes, etc. I have absolutely no desire for ExMM at all now. I am even able to cope with the fact that he and his family moved into my neighborhood and his child goes to the same school as mine. His wife reached out to me basically saying she wanted us to be able to speak to each other and that the past is the past. A week before Thanksgiving, when I went to pick my child up from school, she was picking hers up at the same time.

 

She was tailgating me the entire time. When we got to the main road, she even passed someone illegally in order to to get behind me only to tailgate me again. She ran a red light and then cut me off on the highway. I was behind a dump truck, for Pete’s sake and there wasn’t a lot of space there. I’m still baffled by this and wondering why! I was here first! Smh. Recently, she started showing up at company meeting with exMM. That’s cool. That’s her husband after all. They were acting lovey Dovey and all and I think it’s a beautiful thing. For some reason whenever she sees me she practically goes out of her way to wave at me. When we were going to our cars the other day, she was waving at me as she drove off.

 

I waved back. Sometime ago, I asked God what is the meaning of this. I asked him how on earth did they end up moving to the same neighborhood that I live in. I even asked God if there is a mission or a lesson that I need to learn from this and perhaps does he want me to become this lady’s friend. I honestly believe that she is a nice person. I believe that maybe she doesn’t think that I am a bad person after all. I just made a bad decision being with her husband at the time and falling for his BS. I have never gone back. I have never contacted him again. Does she want to talk to me or doea she want to become friends? I have never gone back. I have never contacted him afterward.

 

And my focus is just on my family. It appears as though he is a changed man too and maybe he isn’t a bad guy after all. All of this talk he did 3 years ago saying he would kill my husband i believe is just talk. Don’t get me wrong, not being delusional or blind. But i feel that if i have changed, maybe he has too. Does she want to talk to me or that she want to become friends? Idk if it is just me but it seems like everytime I go to the restroom at these meetings, she somehow ends up in there too. But usually I am walking out as she is walking in. What is the meaning of this?

 

Is there a bigger destiny that God wants us to fulfill together?

 

Forgive me for any typos. I may have copied and pasted something twice by accident but can’t pinpoint it.

Edited February 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think this has anything to do with God. I think this woman is kinda confused and you should keep your distance. If she waves, wave back but that's it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds as if she's doing her best to be cordial to you and sometimes she may over react to your presence. Her behavior may even out at some point but it doesn't seem problematic to me.

 

I also don't see that there's a lesson God is trying to teach you here but that's between you and God. I don't think others can decipher what God is doing in our lives, when we ourselves can't figure it out!

[BluesPower]

What you need to be most concerned about... is what your husband thinks about all of this.

 

From your perspective, he is the person that you should be most concerned about. Not her.

 

How does he feel about all of this?

 

I say be polite but not friends...

[anika99]

I think his wife has some confusion here. Not sure why she's doing this but maybe it's because she still has unanswered questions about the affair. Maybe she thinks that if she becomes friendly towards you she can get more information. Maybe her self esteem is still in the trash and she wants to get know you so she can learn what it was her husband saw in you? Maybe since she lives in your neighborhood now and her kid goes to the same school she thinks she had better be nice to you lest you do something to have her or her child shunned.

 

There could be other possibilities but whatever her reasons are I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with her at all. Say hello, wave back, be nice when you have to see her but otherwise have nothing to do with anyone in that family.

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

Does she want to talk to me or doea she want to become friends? I have never gone back. I have never contacted him afterward. And my focus is just on my family. It appears as though he is a changed man too and maybe he isn’t a bad guy after all. All of this talk he did 3 years ago saying he would kill my husband i believe is just talk. Don’t get me wrong, not being delusional or blind. But i feel that if i have changed, maybe he has too.

 

This is more puzzling. You have said that your concern is your family and yet, you are ready to think that an outsider who colluded with you in violating the sanctity of your marriage can be thought of as a good person?

 

Don't get me wrong. However much he has changed, he is the same person who has emasculated your husband, ripped his heart out and left a permanent hole there. Will that ever change? Will your husband ever be able to think of him as someone who isn't a bad guy after all? And if you are remorseful as you claim to be, shouldn't you be on the same page as your husband when it comes to perceptions about enemies of your marriage? Shouldn't he or his wife or any of their's presence be a huge trigger to all the painful memories of what you once did to your marriage? Your BH probably would be triggered. But if you feel so bad about what you did, wouldn't you be triggered too? If you aren't triggered, I am not sure if you can say that you are remorseful. You probably regret the affair and you are glad that you are out of it and you got your family back. But if they do not represent to you what has been permanently damaged in your marriage or to your BH's self esteem, then that is not remorse, is it?

 

In any case, IMHO neither of you should even be in the same area. If your BH accidentally sees xAP or his BW, that will be a huge trigger for him. How is your BH doing? Have you spoken to him about all of this - including your current views about xAP? Sorry I am being blunt here. For you to be even thinking of any kind of relationship with BW is callous and inconsiderate of BH's feelings. Then again I don't know how your BH's view of all this is.

Edited February 13, 2018 by Nirbhao.Nirvair

[FMW]

I agree with everyone else. Keep your distance. Be polite if you pass each other, but don't initiate or encourage interaction. My guess is God wants you to focus on your H and your family and stay away from xMM and his W. It sounds like she hasn't been able to get past the betrayal, and any effort to be close to you cannot be a healthy thing.

[road]

There can be many reasons why.

 

Your post though reminds me of the "Godfather" the advice is given that

you keep family close and enemies closer.

 

When their is no NC the healing post D day stops and your mind

is allowed to fester as an open wound. This is why after an affair moving

far away from the AP and their family should not just be a common sense

requirement but the law.

[Conqueror]

I agree with everyone else. Keep your distance. Be polite if you pass each other, but don't initiate or encourage interaction. My guess is God wants you to focus on your H and your family and stay away from xMM and his W. It sounds like she hasn't been able to get past the betrayal, and any effort to be close to you cannot be a healthy thing.

 

I’m definitely keeping my distance.

[Conqueror]

This is more puzzling. You have said that your concern is your family and yet, you are ready to think that an outsider who colluded with you in violating the sanctity of your marriage can be thought of as a good person?

 

Don't get me wrong. However much he has changed, he is the same person who has emasculated your husband, ripped his heart out and left a permanent hole there. Will that ever change? Will your husband ever be able to think of him as someone who isn't a bad guy after all? And if you are remorseful as you claim to be, shouldn't you be on the same page as your husband when it comes to perceptions about enemies of your marriage? Shouldn't he or his wife or any of their's presence be a huge trigger to all the painful memories of what you once did to your marriage? Your BH probably would be triggered. But if you feel so bad about what you did, wouldn't you be triggered too? If you aren't triggered, I am not sure if you can say that you are remorseful. You probably regret the affair and you are glad that you are out of it and you got your family back. But if they do not represent to you what has been permanently damaged in your marriage or to your BH's self esteem, then that is not remorse, is it?

 

In any case, IMHO neither of you should even be in the same area. If your BH accidentally sees xAP or his BW, that will be a huge trigger for him. How is your BH doing? Have you spoken to him about all of this - including your current views about xAP? Sorry I am being blunt here. For you to be even thinking of any kind of relationship with BW is callous and inconsiderate of BH's feelings. Then again I don't know how your BH's view of all this is.

 

I agree. I would have never wanted to live near them. I would never want anyone to have that constant reminder of a hurtful time for everyone involved. Last year at a meeting, ex MM asked me where i lives and i told him the area where i lived. This area is small and has only 1 elementary school. A few months later on the first day of school, i saw his wife taking his child to the school my child was attending. That’s how i found out they moved to my area. Why someone would want to do that is beyond me. Smdh! There goes my happy new beginning. Now I see her practically everyday dropping their child off at school.

[Conqueror]

There can be many reasons why.

 

Your post though reminds me of the "Godfather" the advice is given that

you keep family close and enemies closer.

 

When their is no NC the healing post D day stops and your mind

is allowed to fester as an open wound. This is why after an affair moving

far away from the AP and their family should not just be a common sense

requirement but the law.

 

I totally agree that former AP’s should not live close to one another. I lived here first. He moved to this area months after I did.

[Conqueror]

I think his wife has some confusion here. Not sure why she's doing this but maybe it's because she still has unanswered questions about the affair. Maybe she thinks that if she becomes friendly towards you she can get more information. Maybe her self esteem is still in the trash and she wants to get know you so she can learn what it was her husband saw in you? Maybe since she lives in your neighborhood now and her kid goes to the same school she thinks she had better be nice to you lest you do something to have her or her child shunned.

 

There could be other possibilities but whatever her reasons are I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with her at all. Say hello, wave back, be nice when you have to see her but otherwise have nothing to do with anyone in that family.

 

Maybe you’re right. I would never shun her or her child. They did nothing wrong..